Takes

The Bears are not Super Bowl contenders even if they trade for Carson Wentz

Something's afoot, and I would like to stem the tide. I don't think I can, but it feels like something's afoot here because the Bears are not a Super Bowl contender with Carson Wentz, especially not with giving up a first-round pick for him.

LeBron James could absolutely make an NFL roster and would be the best two-sport athlete of all time

LeBron because he would have been the best two-sport athlete of all time making a NFL roster. I actually believe him. I don't know why anyone would say, oh, LeBron couldn't make an NFL team. No, he absolutely could. Without a doubt.

I would definitely eat three steaks a week to help the earth

The recommendation was if you eat less than... If you eat three steaks a week and you decrease it, you will like greatly help the earth. And then someone was like, who the hell is eating three steaks a week? And I just did the Homer Simpson gift. Like I am for sure.

Rudy Tomjanovich was a better coach than Phil Jackson or Gregg Popovich because he valued player input

My favorite was Rudy because I love it when a coach comes to you and asks you what's the feel of the game, what you see out there... With Phil [Jackson] it's, oh, we're going to run this. With Pop [Popovich], we're going to run this. Rudy did it more often than those two.

Players-only meetings are for losers

In my mind, team meetings are for losers because right now you're floundering in the wind, you're getting ready to point some fingers, and people's feelings get hurt in team meetings. If you just talk about it on a constant basis, you get used to it.

James Harden handled his exit from the Rockets poorly

Every scenario is different. And in James' way, I think—I love James as a player, I think he handled it wrong... For them to actually still bend over backwards for this guy and send him to where he wants to go shows you how much love they have for him... You should respectfully go to the organization that's done everything for you and do it quietly.

The Lakers traded me because they thought I was washed up after the 2003 playoffs

I had an awful playoff series from three, and the Lakers thought I was washed up. So that's one of the reasons they got rid of me. But I'm like, do you realize that this is – I've won five championships at this moment... My body just was tired.

Modern NBA stars would still be considered 'soft' in the 90s era

If these guys [international players] would have came in during my era, they'd still be soft. Because there was a different era where—guys, you know, you wasn't running over to the monitor because some guys say I got a hit in the head... It makes me so mad now when you see these guys.

The NBA should remove the foul call for shooters lunging into defenders mid-air

I don't like that part where you can jump in the air and a guy lunges into you and you get the call... That was all charges when we played because it wasn't your natural shooting motion... Let's just take that out the game.

1999-2000 Shaquille O'Neal was the most dominant player in NBA history

That 2019, 2000 Shaq was probably the most dominant player ever in the NBA because he was in shape. He had no injuries and, he was scared of Phil, and so he wanted to win a championship.

Zebras run toward grass fires because they can't outrun them

Zebras run towards grass fires because they know they can run through them and get to the other side that's burnt out because they can't outrun the fire.

Tailgating out of a Chevy Silverado is the 'Ground Zero' of attending a football game

Tailgating is coming back next year. I'm going to say it right now. And you want to be tailgating out of a Chevy Silverado. That is ground zero if you're going to a football game.

JJ Watt will spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on thank-you ads for Houston

I think that there's probably at least like $300,000 or $400,000 that [JJ Watt] has earmarked right now to take out full-page thank you ads to the entire city of Houston. He's probably going to be buying billboards all over Texas, thanking them for his time there.

JJ Watt has more ties to potential teams than any free agent in NFL history

I would contend that JJ Watt being a free agent, he has the most ties to the most teams, strong ties to the most teams that a free agent has ever had.

Ryan Pace and the Bears will offer JJ Watt the most money on the market

Ryan Pace is going to offer him somewhere between $150 and $200 million... He's never going to be that JJ Watt anymore. So that's the perfect time for Ryan Pace to be like, yo, I'm going to give you $50 million just so I can tell people that we have Khalil Mack and JJ Watt on the same line.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are the most likely destination for JJ Watt

The list for me starts and ends with the Pittsburgh Steelers just because I know JJ Watt, and he's going to want to go play with his brothers and have them rub that in our faces... That is the quintessential JJ Watt destination.

If Urban Meyer doesn't draft Trevor Lawrence at #1, someone will trade to #2 and take him immediately

If Urban Meyer does not draft Trevor Lawrence, then someone's going to trade up to number two, and then they'll take him there.

Trevor Lawrence gives off Paxton Lynch vibes and could be a bust

Trevor Lawrence kind of gives me Paxton Lynch vibes... Your best case scenario with Trevor Lawrence is Tom Brady. Your worst case scenario is Paxton Lynch... His throwing motion reminds me a lot of Paxton Lynch's... they kind of like are built the same.

Trevor Lawrence will not bring 'electricity' to an NFL offense by himself

I don't see him just like bringing electricity to an offense. like making plays with his feet, like even when he has no blocking, you know, I just, I'm a little skeptical... the thing is he needs a supporting cast to be good.

Trevor Lawrence's long hair is a 'look at me' move

I do also think that the long hair makes you look a little bit shorter... The long hair is also like a look at me move. And I don't get – Big time. It's a big look at me move.

The Water Dogs MUST draft Chris Hogan in the Premier Lacrosse League

[Chris Hogan] has declared for the Premier League lacrosse draft... We have equity in the Water Dogs. Whatever we have to do to get Chris Hogan on our team, we have to do it.

Jordan Spieth is now a likable underdog because he has been so bad

Everyone likes Jordan Spieth because he's been so bad and such a head case for so long that he gets the pity... now he's an underdog despite the fact that he's won millions and millions of dollars playing golf.

Loyola Chicago is in great shape to make the NCAA tournament

They're in great shape to make the tournament... If they make the tournament, everyone's going to talk about [Sister Jean].

I am growing my long hair back

First off, the hair is coming back... But I needed to cut it. It was getting long, and we were kind of in a losing skid, and I felt like changing it up could have helped me. And it did... It'll come back.

I can bench press and out-squat DK Metcalf

[DK Metcalf] was saying that he could bench press more than you... [Donald:] Yes... He's a wide receiver. I'm a defensive lineman. So we live different... [PFT: Squatting?] We live different.

James Harden literally ate his way out of Houston

Yeah, that is what happened, James. You got fat. James, you got fat. You ate your way out of Houston, which is very difficult to do.

I would fight a Paul brother and probably nobody else

I'd fight a Paul brother, and I probably wouldn't fight anybody else.

There should be a 'TopGolf' but for football

TopGolf. But for other sports... There should be TopGolf but for football. You're the quarterback... imagine you have a football, and then in front of you is this big field, and there are people that are running routes, and you can hit the receivers with passes... They keep score of every ball that you throw.

Tom Brady putting on a knee brace before getting drunk is genius thinking.

I love the knee brace. I love Tom Brady, like an offensive lineman wearing a preemptive knee brace during a football game. He goes out and gets drunk and he puts a knee brace on before he does it. That's thinking ahead. That's the difference between him and all the other quarterbacks.

The odds of Tom Brady winning a Super Bowl in any given season are the same as Steph Curry hitting a three-pointer.

Somebody pointed out on Twitter earlier today that the odds of Tom Brady winning a Super Bowl are about the same as the odds of Steph Curry hitting a three-pointer in any given season. Like him taking one shot from three is about the same at the start of the year as Tom Brady winning a Super Bowl. That's crazy to me.

I am deeply jealous of every athlete who can look good in a regular T-shirt.

Whenever I see athletes that are just in great shape wearing T-shirts, I'm like, man, I wish I could look that good in a T-shirt. It must be so cool to just be like, I'm going to throw on a T-shirt and look awesome... I'm comfortable saying that I'm very jealous of every athlete who just walks around in a t-shirt and looks awesome.

Tom Brady's 'drunk' tweet and stumble off the boat were a choreographed joke.

I'm very woke about the drunk Tom Brady tweet thing because I think it was on purpose... He was having fun with the fact that people thought he was too hammered to walk after he got off the boat. I think they were doing it as a joke. I think the guys were like, 'hey, let's pretend that Tom, you're so hammered that you can't walk.' Tom Brady has gotten so good at the Internet in the last three years that I think he's fucking with everybody.

Russell Wilson has completely lost touch with reality.

I'm going to take back everything I said about Russell Wilson. He's no longer corny. This is just who he is. And I think he just doesn't have any sense of reality. So it's not even worth being like, 'hey, man, come back to reality.' He's gone. He's long gone.

Success in a celebrity marriage requires both people to be 'weird as hell.'

I actually think that for celebrity couples to work, you actually both have to be weird as hell. It helps because if it's just if somebody is too normal in a celebrity relationship... it doesn't work. You have to have two different parts of crazy in a celebrity relationship, I think, to actually make it work in the long run.

The Cowboys and Seahawks should trade Dak Prescott for Russell Wilson.

Maybe they figure out a way to get Dak [Prescott] to Seattle and Russ [Wilson] to Dallas. Yeah. Russell Wilson's war, the Texas Congressman lobbing missiles, throwing bombs. I'm just saying, it's just going to be very interesting where all the chips fall here.

Russell Wilson is the J.J. Watt of 'corny' cliches taken to the extreme.

Russell Wilson is J.J. Watt to a millionth degree... J.J. Watt is a normal person when you break it down... J.J. Watt is just very nice. Russell Wilson is nice and he thinks he's solving the world's problems. And he also think he was like, I think he probably thinks he's a prophet.

Urban Meyer will be successful in Jacksonville because he'll hire whoever he needs to win, regardless of character.

I now am fully changing my take on Urban Meyer. I think he's going to be very successful in Jacksonville because Urban Meyer hiring Chris Doyle and being like, fuck you world... it clearly is Urban's show. He hired a dude who was fired like six months ago for a very racist things in Iowa. And that to me says that Urban is going to just... hire based on how they can get their team closer to winning and nothing else with character.

Urban Meyer’s 'college warlord' style will fail with NFL millionaires.

The person that he's bringing in [Chris Doyle], it might've been effective when talking to student athletes in college. When you're talking to millionaires in the NFL, it might not fly the same way... I can also see like a first-time NFL coach that's a big shot used to not having anybody check him ever... coming to the NFL and realizing pretty quickly, 'wow, I can't tell everybody how to do everything all the time.'

I will fight Darren Rovell anytime, anywhere for zero dollars.

My Fyre Fest is that Darren Rovell doesn't look like he's going to fight me anymore... I told Barstool, I said, 'I will do it for zero dollars.' And I removed all stipulations. Anytime, anywhere, I will fight Darren Rovell. Anytime, anywhere. He just loves being talked about... The only thing I will say is anytime, anywhere, if he wants to fight me, I will show up and I will kick his ass and I will do it with a smile on my face.

COVID is no joke, even for peak athletes like me.

My Fyre Fest is I have COVID. It pretty much sucks. It's low-key not a great time... a peak athlete like myself, I've had trouble breathing all week. It has not been fun. I've literally just done this show, and after we hang up, I'm like, gasped beyond belief. It is no joke, and you shouldn't take it seriously... i know i sound preachy but guess what i'll fucking say it this thing is no joke

Getting COVID is karma for not following through on my promise to inject myself if March Madness was canceled

If you remember, around this time last year... I said that if they don't play March Madness, I will inject myself with coronavirus. Well, they didn't play March Madness, and I didn't inject myself... So I think that getting it is finally karma, and on top of that, it means that we officially will have a March Madness tournament this year.

Tom Brady's 'We Will Win' texts are the most confidence-inducing messages in the world

The story that came out that Tom Brady texted his entire team every night the week leading up to the Super Bowl just saying, we will win. And I have to imagine that's got to be – like in terms of text messages you can get, that has to be the single most confidence-inducing text message you can get from anyone at any point in your life.

The only way to sustain Super Bowl runs in the NFL is to funnel money through a quarterback's side business

The only way you can do that [sustain Super Bowl runs] is if your star quarterback has an alleged money laundering operation that's taking place as his company behind the scenes that you can funnel money to instead of spending cap hits on that.

The Bucs won the Super Bowl because they got hot at the right time in late December

A lot of times when it comes to the Superbowl, it is a lot about getting hot at the right time and playing your best football at the right time of year... Earlier in the year, the [Buccaneers] did look like a team that had a lot of issues and weren't on the same page. And if you get everything together come late December and you roll it into January, you can be the best team.

Patrick Mahomes will probably win the Super Bowl next year

I think [Patrick Mahomes] is probably going to win a Super Bowl next year.

NFL coaches should go for two points every single time

93% of extra points were made... 48% of two-point conversions were completed... realize that they should go for two every single time. But they won't do it... if you have a good offense, you should absolutely go for two points every single time.

The 90s starter jacket and script hat is the pinnacle of coach fashion

The absolute pinnacle of coach looks will forever be the nineties when it comes to the script hat and the starter jacket. That is the coolest that coaches will ever look in any sport ever... I miss those days. I wish guys would wear starter jackets again.

Jose Canseco didn't have any power and essentially quit the fight

Once he punched me, I realized the fucking wizard behind the curtain was fucking just a man. I fucking went after him... He didn't give me... He quit. No, he quit.

I'm officially on Team Bulk now and plan to be jacked for the summer

I'm rocking my whoop right now. We're all training, actually. I'm on Team Bulk right now, so I'm putting on some clean weight. I'm going to be jacked up. I'm going to be looking like a beast come summertime in the swimsuit, get my summer bod ready to go.

The eagle on the 17th hole at the Waste Management Open was 'stupid luck'

No, that was just dumb luck that it went in. That was just real dumb luck... I'll be honest with you, it shouldn't have gone [in]. That's just stupid luck, man.