Takes

Sports could save millions of lives by providing a model for solving COVID-19

Sports might save millions of lives. And this is definitely not just me talking insane because I haven't had any sports on TV... Because if you can test, if you have a test case and a model for how to solve it amongst a given population, you can expand that out.

History will vindicate the claim that Bryson DeChambeau is roid raging

I think that history is going to vindicate our Bryson [DeChambeau] takes sooner rather than later. This is a classic roid rage type. If I'm on a witch hunt, he's roid raging out there. Guy stinks. Big time.

Mark Zuckerberg definitely has ass implants

Mark Zuckerberg surfing has hit the internet... I noticed right away. The dude's got a fucking donk. He has got cheeks. Big-time cheeks... I think it's an ass implant. Mark Zuckerberg is a nerd though... he can't just do something that's so obvious. What he can do is get a fake fat ass.

Washing Oreos with water is a delicious way to eat them

Would you wash an Oreo with water? Yes. Always... No, try it. Next time you get some Oreos. Hank does. It's actually delicious.

If a bear can use nunchucks, a gorilla can fly a Black Hawk helicopter

It turns out that bears actually can use weapons... If a bear can pick up a nunchuck, a gorilla can pick up a fucking rocket launcher. A gorilla would be able to fly like a Black Hawk helicopter if a bear is able to use these martial art weapons.

George Kittle should call himself a quarterback on Twitter to cash in on Mahomes money

George Kittle has said he will go to training camp no matter what... He should just change his position in his Twitter profile... He should just call himself a quarterback. Try to cash in on this Patrick Mahomes money.

ESPN+ is the worst app in the history of the world

My entire thoughts on the evening are fuck ESPN+. It's the worst app in the history of the world. Every time there's a fight, this is what happens every single time. I buy it on my phone. Doesn't work on my phone. I try to login on my computer. Doesn't work on my computer.

The entire world might be made of cake

There was a video titled, 'These are all cakes.' It's like a three minute video... it blew my mind. Then everyone convinced themselves that you know, maybe the world is just a giant cake. Like the Matrix.

The 'Soup Tube' business idea is an absolute wave of the future

I would pay, I'd probably have like five or six different soup tubes installed in my kitchen right now... Out of the Monday readings we've done, Dave & Buster's guys is number one... Soup Tubes is number two... I would unironically purchase this.

NBA players are self-deputizing as Karens in the bubble

It's not the journalists that are doing it. It's actually the players. The players have self-deputized as Karens. I actually want every NBA player should get a Yelp account and I want to read their Yelp reviews of the hotel afterwards.

I could complete a pass in the NFL if given four downs

I think I could complete a pass if it was maybe to Edelman and he takes two steps. It's a wide receiver screen... I'm talking about like a Jet Sweep type thing where the it's just about the timing and you get the ball and you just pop it in front of you.

I would give up my left leg from the knee down to have Patrick Mahomes on the Bears

I think I'd give up a leg to have Patrick Mahomes on the Bears. A full leg, knee down... left leg. You don't need your legs in your 40s. I just couldn't imagine having [him]. Everyone would assume you were a veteran.

I am better at kicking field goals than 50% of the players on the New York Red Bulls

I think I am better than 50% of New York Red Bulls soccer players at kicking field goals in football. From 35 yards, yes. Then 50% of MLS, yes.

I am a better pitcher than Curt Schilling was through age 28

I find it really fun to just position a position where like you're [Curt Schilling] either worse than me or you have to admit that advanced stuff matters. I'm better than him with certain regular stats at this point in my career through 28 years old.

The Washington Generals have a better winning culture than the Redskins have had for the last 30 years

If you are a Redskins fan most people that I know are totally on board with the name change just because it's a new fucking page. It's turning the page. They've been so bad that the name Washington Generals is more aligned with a winning culture than the Washington Redskins has been for the last 30 years.

I think Bryson DeChambeau is taking steroids

I'm out on Bryson DeChambeau. Yes, he's big the bombs. Guess he's put on weight, but he's artificially I'm going to say it right now. I think he's taking steroids. I think that it's artificial popcorn muscles.

I will inject myself with coronavirus if they cancel March Madness

Right before 24 hours before they decided there was going to be no March Madness. I said I would inject myself with coronavirus if they cancel March Madness.

Gambling on which celebrities or athletes will test positive for coronavirus should be a new sport.

They should let us start betting on these things. They should let us start betting on who tested positive and that will be its own sport... It's basically like watching reality television like Big Brother with celebrities and then the gamble is who will stay coronavirus free.

The Bears were right to sign Nick Foles because there were no other good quarterbacks available

Looks like the Bears were really right to sign Nick Foles because there's no other good quarterbacks out there. Yeah.

I am sexually attracted to the 'alpha' energy of Karens in public

I think I'm sexually attracted to Karens. Like I don't care what they're saying or what they're doing... Whenever I see a Karen video gets me going it's like a little bit of that craziness... They exude some kind of like, oh my God, like you just get a look from a Karen and you feel like you did something wrong.

The Mississippi state flag should feature the logo of the most recent Egg Bowl winner

It should be if depending on who wins the Egg Bowl that year if it's Ole Miss or if it's Mississippi State their logo gets to go in the upper left-hand Corner the flag for the remainder that year... that would be incredible the flagpole.

A 2020 World Series title for the Mets would deserve four asterisks

Mets huge huge asterisks for four asterisks for what if they win the World Series.

The new Rangers stadium looks like a cheap Home Depot shed

it looks like a cheap shed that you buy at Home Depot to like keep your garbage cans so that the raccoons don't get it... it looks like a toolbox that you would see in the back of your most sunburned neighbors truck.

I could kitesurf right now by just letting the wind do the work

I don't think windsurfing is at heart I said for those I don't think it's nice I just fucking hang on I said right here I think I could kitesurf yeah just let the wind do all the while I watch it I was like dude all you gotta do is listen up and then bring you down.

Theo Epstein is a genius for not trading Kyle Schwarber because he knew a pandemic and 60-game season were coming

Theo Epstein is a fucking genius. He knew that we were gonna have a pandemic and then a 60-game season and that's why I didn't trade Kyle Schwarber in 2016.

Ben Roethlisberger's porn addiction admission is a genius move to distract from his real past

This was genius by him. Of course everything that he does is genius, right? Be like, I'm not talking about my real past. I'm talking about my porn. And yes, this is the androstenedione in the locker for Mark McGwire that Roethlisberger's bringing.

It is easier to make the US Olympic handball team than it is to bowl a 300 game

What's harder to do: roll a 300 or make the US Olympic team handball team? Absolutely make the US Olympic handball team is easier than rolling a 300.

LeBron James intentionally sat out the end of the 2019 season because he was tipped off about COVID early

You remember that picture of LeBron James staying at the end of the bench far away from his teammates... knowing what we know now about LeBron James is financial ties to the Chinese government do you think he got tipped off ahead of time and was like hey I got to stay away from people so much that I'm going to try to send them all to New Orleans?

NBA 'Aura' rings prove that the wealthy have access to secret medical technology

Why doesn't everybody have a titanium ring that will tell you 3 days in advance if you're going to get [the virus]? It essentially confirms what we all knew but didn't fully know that rich people just have medicine and technology that the rest of us can't have access to that will keep them alive forever.

I want to buy a Wiffle ball league and become the Vince McMahon of Wiffle ball

I want to buy a wiffle ball leak and I watched probably three hours of this Wiffle ball league in Michigan... I want to be the Vince McMahon and Wiffle ball and and bring them all together and make a national Wiffle ball league because you know what? I actually think Wiffle ball could just be the new sport.

I want to create a giant mutant species of bullfrog using CRISPR technology

So African bullfrogs really cool... he sells these Gene I think it's and it's for frogs. So he does it on like home lab frogs... we could This frog which is already giant. We could make it even bigger. if I were Jack Ewing... Can we just I am backing to make a mutant frogs Yeah, but it's totally legal with science.

Virginia Tech sucks and their traditions are stupid

The bottom line is Virginia Tech sucks and their traditions are stupid.

Hockey is not one of the major four sports

No hockey doesn't count hockey doesn't count. Not one of the major four sports. What's the fourth? MLS?

Saying the word 'fuck' improves pain tolerance, so Philip Rivers should start cursing to win a Super Bowl

researchers found that saying the word fuck can improve your threshold for pain... when you say fudge or dang it or gosh darn it, it's worse... could you imagine what he would be like as a quarterback if he actually said fuck? ... Do you think if Phil Rivers starts cussing, then he wins a Super Bowl? Probably.

I am reclaiming Hawaiian shirts for people who like to party

Apparently, this has become like a race war white supremacist thing to wear Hawaiian shirts... Fuck you. You will not take... I'm reclaiming Hawaiian shirts for people that like to party. I will not allow the Hawaiian shirt to be co-opted.

Roger Goodell is actually on the Barstool payroll to play the ultimate heel

There's actually a conspiracy theory going on now that Roger Goodell works for Barstool because he continually plays into our hands. And I actually am starting to buy it. I'm starting to think that it's not so far off to think that Roger Goodell is on Barstool's payroll deliberately to play the heel.

Going to space isn't impressive because we've already done it a lot

I think it's cool that we've done it 100,000 times already... We went to the moon in the 60s. Technology has advanced a long way. We're not going to learn anything new from Elon Musk going to the moon. It's just for him to pat himself on the back.

Car eyelashes are a psycho move and reveal specific lifestyle traits

The front lights eyelashes. Psycho move... VW bug, throw the eyelashes on, probably own at least three pugs. Like the Venn diagram for pug ownership and eyelashes on your car is a big circle. And yeah, probably living a life alone.

Roy Williams is only the second-best coach in the ACC

Roy Williams. Ty Lawson called him out. I mean, everyone knows Roy is a little bit suspect. It's not surprising. Second best coach in the ACC.

Texas A&M's biggest rival is fun

I've always said Texas A&M's biggest rival is against fun. So it makes sense. Like, you know, you go to Texas A&M and you wear your class ring and you do trick shots.

The LeBron vs. MJ debate has evolved into whether LeBron would be a better #2 than Scottie Pippen

LeBron James has been Quoted as saying that he would like to have played with MJ not against them... now the debate has shifted to would LeBron James be a better number two than Scottie Pippen is. So now we're comparing that now we're saying would LeBron be a better number two than Scotty was to Jordan.

Mark Cuban made a mistake by not buying 10% of Big Cat's brain for $1 million

I'll go with Mark Cuban up buying 10% of my brain he's an idiot that was a dumb business decision I'm going to make I'm going to make that money back it was for a million dollars he regrets it 1 million dollars and he got all my lifetime earning from that day forward.

Queso is technically a soup because it's a liquid served in a bowl

I think queso's the soup... You use like chips, which are basically spoons. They're edible spoons. Yeah, it's bread. It's like the bread that comes with soup. I think queso's the soup.

The water cup from beer pong is the world's most powerful disinfectant and can help stop the virus

the most powerful disinfectant thing known to man, the water cup in beer pong. So we've had the solution in front of us our whole lives... it's scientifically proven that if you fill a red solo cup up two-thirds of the way with room temperature water and then get everybody in the party to dip their fingers in it over the course of the night, no one's getting sick. If that ball hits the ground, you dip it in the water cup, you're good to go.

Josh Allen has a rocket arm but he doesn't have the 'rocket science' brain to grasp complex offenses

Let's take a guy with a super strong arm, very athletic, but might not, all the intangibles, but might not, you can't really measure what's in the brain as of yet. Josh Allen. Careful. Billy. He has a very high IQ. Careful, my friend. You can have a rocket arm, but you might have a rocket arm, but you might not have rocket science. If you want to fly a rocket, you have to be smart.

Swag Kelly would have three Super Bowls by now if he had a coach talking in his headset 24/7

Swag Kelly, essentially. Like, if you put Peyton Manning's brain into Swag Kelly's body. I mean, we should have Swag Kelly to have someone talking in his brain 24-7 because he would probably have three Super Bowls right now. Just be like... Don't go into the house, Swag Kelly. Don't go into the house. Don't go back to the bar with an AK-47. Just don't.

Porn sites are pushing specific genres to collect blackmail dirt on the entire country

I think that the porn sites have been complicit recently... on most major porn sites, they feature heavily the whole stepson-stepdaughter dynamic even if you never click on those videos and watch them, they're pushing those on you. I think that they've been doing that so that now they know that anyone that's been to one of these websites has either accidentally or on purpose clicked on one of those, so they have dirt on everybody in America almost.

Sports teams should secretly tape games during the season to release during future pandemic lockdowns

My idea is every single sports franchise needs to, every single year, play a game that is secretly taped that we do not know the result of, and then save it in case of something like this happening again. Because could you imagine if we had even the NBA champion Mavs from that season playing a game against the Heat... and we broadcast it, and it's like, boom. You don't know what's going to happen. You can bet on it.

I think Ronnie Coleman was clean because you've got to believe in something

I think Ronnie Coleman was clean. Bro, you got to believe in something. Ronnie Coleman's a hero.

Judas belongs on the Mount Flushmore of worst teammates of all time

I'm going to go with Judas. I consider Judas to be a teammate. Sold out Jesus. All about the contract situation. Really fucked things up for the rest of the world because he was so selfish.