Takes

LeBron James is one of the worst teammates of all time because he takes all the credit and trades everyone else

LeBron James. Can't be fun to be his teammate. You're always, always in fear that he's like, if you do well, he's going to take all the credit. If you do bad, he's probably going to trade you off the team.

Seth Curry's son will grow up to be the greatest basketball player alive

Seth Curry's kid is going to be the greatest basketball player alive... He'll be taking down the Bronnies.

Elon Musk naming his kid a symbol will force teachers to learn code

Teachers are on the hot seat because this is going to start a trend amongst the nerd people community. Be like, oh, we don't even have to name our kids real names. We can just do symbols and codes. And so imagine being a teacher and getting an attendance sheet and being like, hey, Sam, Joe, X AE A-12.

You shouldn't own a Jeep Wrangler unless you actually go off-roading

Unless you live on the beach and are doing off-roading on a fairly average basis, you shouldn't have a Jeep Wrangler. If you have a Jeep Wrangler in Massachusetts... you're not getting the use out of it that you need to. You're just doing it for a status symbol.

Driving a Ford Ranger means you have no friends

The Ranger is good for nothing except helping your friends move. That's it. If you drive a Ranger, you're telling me, I don't have friends. I'm looking for play dates so badly that I will do your chores for you.

Blake Bortles is being blackballed by the NFL because he drives a Tesla

I think that Blake Bortles is being blackballed by the NFL because he drives a Tesla and because the league sponsors are motor oil companies [like] Castrol, Havoline, other competing rivals against Elon Musk and Tesla.

Murder Hornets are not a real threat because anything you can kill with a newspaper is not a problem

I'm officially done with being swayed by the Murder Hornet... fuck the Murder Hornet. If I can kill something with a newspaper, it's not a problem. It's not a problem. I'd rather be Mike Tyson's trainer or stuck in a room with one single Murder Hornet, I'd drive the Murder Hornet, I'd fuck the Murder Hornet up.

Soccer is boring because you cannot use your hands

Soccer... simple, just because any sport that you can't use your hands, that's like 50% of your body and the stuff that are much more important and you can't even use it. You're just running around, at most you're scoring one goal. It's boring as fuck.

Animals likely understand everything we say but are collectively choosing to ignore us

What if all the animals actually understood what we were saying but just just ignoring us... like the minute they figure out that we know shit's gonna get crazy and they can't talk back.

If you don't believe aliens exist, you are an idiot

if you don't think that aliens exist your fucking moron. What does it like that seems like such an obvious thing. I guess. He's more passionate about it, but I would say the people who are like, oh, yeah, there's no aliens there there the idiots.

Michael Jordan's switch-hand layup against the Lakers was completely unnecessary

The layup that Michael Jordan had in the finals against the Lakers where he jumps in the air and switches hands—completely unnecessary to do that. It's a cool-looking highlight, he didn't need to do that. You could have just done a finger roll with his right hand; he switched to his left hand because it looked cool.

NFL teams should be allowed to use a draft pick to own the rights to a college coach

Is it possible that you could draft a coach? Could you use a draft pick on a college coach to prevent another team from hiring them to be on their roster? ... If you think that hypothetically the Los Angeles Chargers are going to hire Urban Meyer as coach next year, why wouldn't you if you're in the AFC West draft Urban Meyer and then you have his rights for at least the next year so they can't hire them?

Contracting toxoplasmosis from cats will make you a fearless 'Berserker' warrior

45% of the population has this parasite called toxoplasmosis that comes from cat feces... it makes mice not fear predators so they just wander on and then the cats eat it... I want to be fearless. The Berserker cult has to contract toxoplasmosis and we'll all just be fearless Berserker warriors... when I contract toxoplasmosis, I will be an absolute fearless warrior and it will be sick.

Baseball should not outlaw spitting due to coronavirus concerns

Spitting needs to stay. It's the only place in America where a guy could just go outside and spit non-stop for like four hours and nobody says shit to him... isn't it better to be spitting all your germs out? If you have a handgun and you're constantly firing off rounds into the ground you're way less likely to accidentally shoot somebody. So we should actually be encouraging more spitting.

Jim Harbaugh dominates the Ohio State rivalry if judged on values instead of scoreboards

I love that Jim Harbaugh has gotten his dick kicked in by Ohio State year in and year out. But if we're only judging on the values imparted to those he leads, he has dominated this rivalry. Michigan fans... are definitely going to count this as a national championship, hang the banner.

Ketchup is a disgusting mask for people with bad taste

Ketchup period. Ketchup is disgusting. Anyone who jumps—it's a mask. It's the same as buffalo sauce. If you need to have ketchup like people that eat ketchup get addicted to it... I need to have a ketchup I need to have like chips but I need to have ketchup. It's just a masquerade.

The T-Rex is an absolute fraud of a dinosaur

T-Rex is an absolute fraud. We got Giganotosaurus, that's like the alpha of all the roars. It's just basically T-Rex with functional arms but like four times as big. Looks like a dragon.

Ben Roethlisberger is a top 6 quarterback of all time

Number six: Big Ben Roethlisberger. He has twice as many Super Bowls as Aaron Rodgers.

The 49ers and Bears saved lives by not winning the Super Bowl or drafting Mahomes

My cool throne is the Niners because they saved lives by not winning the Super Bowl... the Bears saved all the lives by not drafting Mahomes because it was funny. Chicago would never celebrate anything ever. Tear down the Jordan statue.

Mark Jackson deserves more credit than Steve Kerr for the Warriors dynasty

Mark Jackson built that coach over there. Mark Jackson is on record calling the Splash Brothers the Splash Brothers. He's on record talking noise saying 'I got the best two shooters in the world.' Steve Kerr just happened to see the stroke go right.

I am officially back on the Tua Tagovailoa train now that the lefty witchcraft is gone

Watching [Tua Tagovailoa] throw with an NFL ball looks good. Like the witchcraft is gone or whatever... I think it goes from looking like it's spinning clockwise to looking like it's spinning counterclockwise now that it has the stripes off. So I'm fully on board the Tua train.

Donating blood and platelets frequently is like an oil change for the body

I like the idea of donating my blood more frequently because it's like a car oil change, right? Yeah, like if my body if I'm walking around with old blood then I'm going to act sluggish. It's not going to be as efficient. But if I give a bunch of my blood, the new blood's better.

March usually has 30 days, but this year it had 31 just to punish us for the lack of basketball

March was awful... You cannot convince me that March is normally 31 days. That's your shit. March is usually 30 and this year it was 31 just like twist that knife and to be like, there's no basketball, there's nothing going on.

Stephen A. Smith can now win the Presidency after condoning legal marijuana

Steven Naismith just condoned legal marijuana. I think he actually now can win election as president of the United States... No one is going to beat him in a debate unless he's going up against Skip Bayless.

AJ Soprano is the worst TV character of all time

AJ Soprano is the worst character of all time. I fucking hate it... Every time he came on I want to fast forward.

Vincent Chase is a terrible TV character

I think Vincent Chase is a fucking terrible character. Vinnie Chase. I hate Vinnie Chase... What does Vinnie Chase do that's memorable besides make stupid decisions, box smoke shows, and hang out and smoke weed?

There has never been a better time to get a cold sore than during the quarantine

How about this for positivity? There's never been a better time to get a cold sore. I'm just saying that if you do get cold sores now is like you're hitting the lottery if you get one you don't have to go into work for a couple weeks, no one's ever going to know.

Rick Pitino is definitely a guy who has nipple rings

I think the two of them probably have a lot in common as you like Cuomo Rick Pitino has probably a nipple ring guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah big time nipple ring guy if he doesn't have them he loves them.

Vikings used magic mushrooms to cure concussions and it could save modern football

Essentially Vikings might have caught cured concussions and save football. If they do the research and develop a drug where it's like, okay, this would actually speed up the process... these Berserkers definitely had CTE and like a lot of them lived to super old ages... we could save football.

Bats are the worst animal because they take away things like March Madness

I'm gonna win the strap with first pick because it's the number one most Wanted animal in the world right now his ruined the entire world. It's bats. Bats fucking suck. Fuck bats. ... Secondary take away March Madness. Don't do ecosystems... I will never forget that we didn't get March Madness in 2020.

Billy Mitchell's wife is the reason he is the 'King of the Nerds'

I actually kind of think his wife has big tits and I think that that is the greatest equalizer in like nerd world where they're like, 'Whoa, Billy look at the fucking the tits on your wife' and then he just becomes the King of the Nerds.

I am officially cancelling all sports until 2022 to avoid further heartbreak

I'm approaching [cancellations] the exact opposite way. I am cancelled sports for 2020, 2021 and possibly 2022 and anything that we get that comes sooner than that is a bonus. I'm not gonna let myself get my heart broken over and over... the world has ended and sports are over.

NBA owners should marry their players to circumvent the salary cap

Could an owner theoretically marry a player in order to circumvent the salary cap? It's actually brilliant, isn't it? I don't think any holes in that... Michael Jordan could probably adopt his son or he could just have a son play and just write more and more into the will every year.

A-Rod probably saved sports and the world by talking to President Trump

A-Rod probably saved sports and the world but I'm not bragging about it... Sports will probably be back before you even know because President Trump called up A-Rod on Friday night.

Flavored 'Water for Dogs' is a billion-dollar business idea

I came up with a billion dollar idea maybe quadrillion or trillion dollar idea: its water for dogs... why not a little flavored water for your dog? So you can either go with the Savory option and have it be like a bacon flavored water or bone broth water.

A prime Lavar Ball would kill Zion Williamson one-on-one

Prime Lavar Ball versus Zion Williamson one-on-one? Murder that boy. Too small. He too soft. He too slow. I was way too fast for that boy in my prime. I will kill him. I was just too strong and too fast.

Dude Perfect is responsible for the coronavirus because their trick shot gong was made in Wuhan

I'm putting Dude Perfect on the hot seat. I don't know if you've seen them recently, but they were showing off the gong that they have in their Dude Perfect warehouse... and it says proudly made in Wuhan right on the big gong there. So many people are asking is Dude Perfect responsible for the stuff that's going on the world.

PB&J on hot dog rolls is a superior sandwich method and I'm never going back

I've been making PB and J's and hot dog rolls and honestly, I'm never going back. Yeah, PB&J doesn't fall out of the sample. It falls out of sandwiches in the hot dog roll. It's like a taco, you know.

Frosted Flakes is easily the worst cereal option

This is way more controversial than my last one. But easily my least favorite cereal Frosted Flakes... growing up and I go to my friend's house for sleepovers or whatever and they go on Frosted Flakes. No disgusting.

Jamal Murray should claim he has coronavirus to make people forget his accidental sex tape

PR 101 for him. I don't know what you do. You just actually say you have coronavirus. There you go think that really is the only way out. If you say you have coronavirus people will just feel bad for you and then kind of forget that that happened.

Bill O'Brien is a sleeper agent for Bill Belichick designed to implode AFC teams

I remain convinced this day that Bill O'Brien is a sleeper agent for Bill Belichick as are all of his former assistant coaches that go out across the country take jobs usually in the AFC implode teams and then come back to ensure the Patriots and get to the Super Bowl faster.

Game of Thrones Season 8 was so bad that no one will rewatch it even during quarantine

I tweeted that the 8th season was so insultingly bad that people about to be locked in their houses for weeks on end and no one's going to rewatch Game of Thrones.

Professional and collegiate sports leagues got addicted to 'cancel culture' during the initial COVID-19 outbreak

I think they got addicted to cancel culture. It just felt very rash to be like everything's canceled forever. I would have almost rather they did just we're going to delay it two weeks and then two weeks later we're going to delay another two weeks until I get to football season. Let us just me asking it throughout the entire summer and give me the hope.

If they cancel March Madness, I will intentionally contract coronavirus the next day

If they cancel March Madness—I'm not talking about playing it with no fans—if they cancel it outright, I will get coronavirus the next day. I do not want to be healthy in a world where March Madness does not exist.

Intentionally contracting coronavirus is healthier than a normal March Madness routine

I think that intentionally contracting coronavirus at the start of March Madness is probably healthier on our bodies than what we normally do to it during March Madness, which is just live off nothing but chicken wings and delicious, copious amounts of Michelob Ultra.

Chugging Tito's Vodka can help prevent Coronavirus

I think it's a bitch. I'm going to chug. I think I saw some people that were making their own hand sanitizer out of Tito's vodka and like aloe vera. Okay, so I think if you stay drunk then it's going to kill all the incoming virus and it won't be able to attach ourselves. Right? This is alcohol is an anti. Yeah antiviral.

DK Metcalf is like an aircraft carrier: powerful but unable to turn

I like to compare you to are. Craft carrier so I can you get you go you're powerful and you go straight and then you turn by degrees of like 1%... You tell everyone they're like, hey tomorrow we're going to turn and then they stay turn the aircraft Kurt.

Wearing a 'PMT Karate Black Belt' shirt is the ultimate life hack to avoid fights

I have an idea it dawned on me... we are going to start PMT karate and sell the shirt... you according to us. We are the heads of PMT. Karate you listening right now. You have a black belt. Yeah, so you are not stealing Valor... No one will fight you. That's the whole point of wearing the shirt.

Coronavirus is an overrated, fraud of a disease

It's a bitch little disease... I agree. We called it out as being a fraud being overrated last week. I'm not I'm not changing that up... I'm not convinced about this Corona thing. I'll take coronavirus to the face right now.

LeBron James is exhibiting schizophrenic symptoms via his Instagram captions

His caption of him hitting that three-point shot... Me: I bet you won't. Me: Man who you talking to me. I'm talking to you... man you must not know me well... sounds like he's schizophrenic.