Takes

The Cowboys are an absolute joke and worse than a fraud

The Cowboys are a joke. They are an absolute joke... Worse than a fraud. Because a fraud would imply that they are good but fraudulent. A joke, I don't even want to fucking spend time with them.

Golf takes too long and should be reduced to 14 or 15 holes

Nobody wants to spend five and a half hours out there... Literally, I would just make it like 15 holes, 14 holes. Because then you get to go in the 19th hole a little bit quicker.

No matter how smart you think you are at 20 years old, you are actually an idiot

No matter how smart you think you are, you're an idiot... This is why everyone older than you hates you, because they all went through the exact same thing where it's like I got everything figured out, and then you just realize you don't. And it doesn't mean you're not smart. It doesn't mean you're not creative... [but] you can't have any of this perspective that you're going to need.

A VCU home game is more life-altering than a 10-day trip to Europe

Yeah, but you haven't been to a home game at the Siegel Center [VCU]. And I was like, this was peak Shaka [Smart]. This was Travion Graham, Briante Weber. Like, you want to do push-ups on picket fences when they put the press on. So this was kind of my subtle way after we broke up to kind of, like, send, you know, a shot across the bow.

The Rams should trade Aaron Donald to recoup draft picks

The Rams... essentially the gist of it was nothing is off the table here and even possibly trading Aaron Donald would be... because they don't have picks. They don't have picks in the next two drafts. So now they might have to pay back some of that all in to get some draft capital... It'd be crazy if they did that, but they would also get a lot back for it.

The movie Cats will release a new version next week to exploit its own failure

I'm a little bit woke because it is getting people talking about the movie Cats... what they're doing is they're taking the movie back. They're re-editing certain scenes and sending an entirely new version out next week. So now the people that already saw it are going to want to go back and see it again.

Blake Bortles was the glue that held the Jaguars together

One must ask was Blake Bortles the glue that held the Jaguars together? Oh for sure. I mean, that's that's why I ran. Wanted to go to LA.

Jim Boylen is the worst coach in the history of basketball

Yeah, he is the worst coach in the NBA. He might be the worst coach in the history of basketball... He called a timeout with 33 seconds left in the third quarter to stop the run... there is a timeout that's naturally [between quarters]... He's such a fucking idiot.

I will fight anyone who is genuinely mad about John Rothstein's texts

If you have a problem with John Rothstein texting good luck and most of the time getting left just completely ignored by the coach, come fight us. I will actually punch somebody... open invite to anyone who is mad about this genuinely mad. If you have to actually be mad, we will fight you.

Aaron Rodgers sucks now

I think Aaron Rodgers sucks. I think Aaron Rodgers sucks now. Aaron Rodgers looks like... a shell of himself... By Aaron Rodgers saying we're going to win ugly, he's getting out in front of the story so no one is drawing attention to the fact that he sucks now.

Zion Williamson is a Duke bust

Might be out for the whole year. Jesus Christ, dude. Bust. Fucking bust. Another Duke bust.

Lamar Jackson should sit out for three years to get a big contract

Should Lamar Jackson sit out the next three years of his career so he can get that big contract? No, we're going to NCAA if we're gonna bowl gamify. That's also NBA-ify three seasons of the NFL's Anthony Davis being like 'I want to be traded now' even though I still have [time] playing under contract.

Bill Belichick intentionally created the Bengals filming controversy as a rallying cry

[Bill Belichick] thinks that this was specifically ordered by Bill Belichick to have it become a controversy so that he can then reverse it and use it as a rallying cry to fix the Patriots' problems. he thinks this was specifically ordered by Bill Belichick to have it become a controversy so that he can then reverse it and use it as a rallying cry to fix the Patriots' problems.

ACC is the worst conference ever and Clemson will make the playoff even if they lose

The ACC is the worst conference ever and yeah, Clemson makes the playoff if they lose, for sure. Clemson's biggest opponent will be boredom because the rest of the ACC sucks.

The decline in high school bullying is making kickers mentally weak

I actually think that the decline in bullying is making high school kickers more mentally weak... They're not able to be bullied at a young age. Nature would say if you're a kicker, you should get bullied a little bit in high school. You should start to weather that storm that way when you get to the NFL where you're getting death threats by strangers online, it's not affecting you as much because you got shoved in a locker when you were in ninth grade.

The NFL should revoke the home playoff game for the winner of the NFC East.

Take away a playoff game. Take away the home playoff game from the team that wins the NFC East. They don't deserve it.

Nick Foles is an average-to-below-average quarterback who stinks despite his Super Bowl win.

If you took out his 27 touchdown, two interception year, he's played 44 games. He's had 44 touchdowns and 32 interceptions. He stinks. ... He is completely average to below average at his profession, but he has reached moments where he has been exceptional.

Michigan football is a myth that is not on the same level as Ohio State or Alabama.

I'm actually kind of agree just because the Michigan myth is one of the greatest myths going in all of college sports. They have won half a national title in the last 60 years. And they make you think that they matter and that they're on the level of Alabama and USC and Ohio State and Clemson even now. ... realistic Michigan fans probably were like... We aren't going to get better.

Pat Shurmur should be fired for making Mitch Trubisky look like an average quarterback

Pat Shurmur you should be fired if you make Mitch look competent... Pat Shurmur should lose his job for making Mitch look average.

Elon Musk is just a front for Jeff Bezos

Elon Musk is just a front for Jeff Bezos because his Cybertruck was one of the funniest things I've ever seen... when people talk about Elon Musk doing stupid shit, they forget about Jeff Bezos.

The NFL is actually punishing the Steelers by not suspending Mason Rudolph

I actually think that the punishment for the Steelers is not punishing Mason... the league punished the Steelers by not suspending Mason Rudolph. Exactly. Yes. Duck [Hodges] [is] okay.

The Packers are frauds and their defense is a fraud

I convinced myself the Packers are frauds every single week until they win the Super Bowl and then I cry in a puddle... I think their defense is a fraud.

The Jets +3 against the Raiders is the start of a run to the playoffs

My Underdog is the Jets... Jets plus 3 the run the table. Yeah, they're good. We're in the middle the early stages the table runner. Yes, but I think that they could handle the business at home.

Ben Simmons made his first career three-pointer too early

I actually think that he did it too early... Because it was such a big moment. He should have waited till like year 10 looks like your virginity you get it out of the way. Yeah over quickly than you do it a million more times.

Luka Doncic is the best player of all time

Is Luka Doncic the best player of all time? Yes. I think so. I think he's going to be—he's really good. Of all time. He's crazy. 42 point triple double.

The Packers' defense is 'fraud city'

The Packers' defense stinks. That defense is fraud city... I don't think that team's getting a big stop when they need it at the end of — in a big, important game.

Daniel Jones needs a vice like smoking or video poker to improve his play

I think Daniel Jones biggest problem is I don't think he has a vice. I think he needs to maybe be a smoker or I don't know like video poker or something a gamer. Because it just feels like he's a little too plain. His vice is literally just throwing interceptions. So you need to shift that vice to something else.

Imagine Dragons music should be in the public domain

I think if it's Imagine Dragons Imagine Dragons should just be in the public domain there should not be the other attack. They got to protect their art like what those guys make beautiful beautiful art Imagine Dragons The Beatles Mozart and happy birthday.

Coach K is not as good a head coach as Roy Williams

I think that Coach K is not as good a head coach as coach Williams has interesting. I think if you look at what Coach K's tenure at Duke... While Roy Williams has been at UNC by any measurement. You can say that Roy Williams has been more successful.

Tom Izzo is overrated because he hasn't won a title since 2000

Tom Izzo is overrated. That's because he's other... He just hasn't won the big one. This is coasting. He's coasting.

The Jets should draft Tua Tagovailoa and move on from Sam Darnold

If the Jets were somehow to get the first pick, do they take Tua? I think you would. I think you'd take Tua. Sam Darnold doesn't look like a quarterback anymore... You gotta get star power, you gotta get that name that pops in the Big Apple.

Jameis Winston is a future Hall of Famer

I'm a Jameis believer now. I think Jameis is going to be a Hall of Fame quarterback. He has all the makings for it. He has a bunch of advanced statistics... Jameis Winston is the unluckiest quarterback of all time. He commits turnovers at the worst possible times just out of pure luck.

The Washington Redskins are more likely to win a World Series than a Super Bowl in the next five years

I said earlier today that I think the Redskins are more likely to win a World Series than they are Super Bowl in the next five years. Yeah, I'd agree. I'd agree just just by like a random shit show of occurrences that somehow become a major league team.

Justin Verlander can't win a World Series game and isn't clutch

Verlander can't win a game of the World Series which is kind of bullshit narrative... but that's not going to get in between me and we're hot takes. We are a Jose Jose has his own sick. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Right. I'm a results-based gato and six that I'd actually keep metal Hall of Fame me too agreed not clutch.

We should use truth serum to find out if Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey are guilty

You just look at the [Steven Avery] case... just give them truth serum and will fucking find out in two seconds if they were murder... There is sodium pentothal. Sodium Pentothal, yeah. Yes methamphetamine. Okay a combination. Yeah combination and a cigarette... and you can find out where the bodies are. Did they really do it?

I could fight my way out of this room right now and beat everyone up

[Big Cat]: Could you fight your way out of this room right now? [Dog]: Oh, yeah all of us on you - well you think David would be there too. [Big Cat]: So he take David out. He's he goes out of the room and he's like dog they're going to fight for their life to keep you in this room. [Dog]: Well you get out. When do you get an a gang like that? And you get somebody jumps you you take one of them and It could don't quit beatin him and you just because you're going to you're getting it from the side in the back of you is keep hitting the one right there.

The 2019 Patriots defense is the best of all time

The Patriots defense is going to be regarded as the best defense of all time. Not even '86 Bears defense... They're already forgotten about.

Matt Nagy is just an arrogant, cocky version of Marc Trestman

Matt Nagy is just an arrogant cocky Marc Trestman. That's what he is. He's a guy who thinks that he's smarter than he is and has over thought pretty much every big situation... the guy this year, he stinks.

You don't need a bullpen in baseball; you can just use starting pitchers

I also think it'd be hilarious if the Nationals somehow stumbled their way in ass backwards to figuring out that you don't actually need a bullpen in baseball. You can just put your starting pitchers in to be your bullpen the entire time. And you don't actually need three days rest or four days rest.

Tom Brady could return to the 49ers just to 'cuck' Jimmy Garoppolo again

I was going to say how funny it would be if he just went to San Francisco and was like, I want to finish my hometown team. Jimmy, you're out. Just cucks Jimmy again.

The Falcons are the worst team in the NFL

Are the Falcons maybe the worst team in the NFL? See they still have that lingering sense of they were winning in the Super Bowl a couple years ago... but they are really, really bad. Their defense is one of the worst I've ever seen.

Aaron Judge is too tall to be a consistent hitter

My hot take [is] that Aaron Judge is too tall... Altuve would be basically at his tits and [Judge] can't like get his body down that low... the strike zone is much bigger. It's a fact that the strike zone is bigger.

Bryce Harper should get a World Series ring if the Nationals win one

Bryce Harper should get a World Series ring if we win one. He got this whole thing started. He said, 'I'm here to bring a title back to D.C.' Bryce Harper, we're doing it for you.

The Kansas City Chiefs are a soft football team

I'm going to say it again. I did say it last week that the S word, I'll say it. They're soft... When you can just go into a team's home environment... and run the ball like the Colts did and like the Texans did, you get the soft tag for me.

Clayton Kershaw should embrace Satan to fix his playoff struggles

There's only one more thing for [Clayton Kershaw] to do to try to turn this around and that's go completely satanic. Flip the script. Embrace Satan. Become goth Clayton Kershaw. Cornrows... mascara... black lipstick. Just like flip the script on God entirely. See if Satan will give you a hand.

Zion Williamson won't be an explosive dunker anymore because he measured at 6'6"

Zion's on the hot seat because I don't think he's going to be able to be an explosive dunker anymore now that he measured in at 6'6".

I don't trust anyone who marries someone they went to college with

First of all, right off the bat, I don't really trust anybody that gets married to somebody that they went to college with.

The Chiefs are a regular season team that will get bullied in the playoffs

It's kind of like the old Peyton Manning Colts teams who would put up, you know, insane stats in the regular season and then get bullied in the in the postseason.

Lamar Jackson is poised for a big drop-off in the second half of the season

Lamar Jackson stinks talk about him. He stinks again... I think that this is a team that is poised to take a big drop-off in the second half of season. Lamar Jackson to notice. I notice this take he he looked a step slower than he has the first few weeks.

I would trade a first-round pick for Justin Tucker

Honestly the way the Titans are built where its defense and you don't know which Marcus Mariota you're going to get I would trade a first-round pick for Justin Tucker.