Takes

Tobey Maguire is the best poker player in America

I know that Tobey Maguire is the best poker player in America.

A dog's head tilt is the best thing about having a dog

The inquisitive ears slash look when a noise or, you know, like your dog's like trying to learn something new and they give you that sideways glance. The head tilt. Oh, the best.

The first throw of a tennis ball is the best thing about having a dog

The first tennis ball throw... when your dog just loses their fucking mind and they're like, this is awesome. And that first burst of energy, nothing better.

The window for Tiger King Halloween costumes has officially closed

I think the idea that Tiger King Halloween costumes were going to be all the rage, that ship has sailed. Tiger King feels like it was 10 years ago.

Resting your hands on your knees while tired is a sign of weakness that I will exploit

I still believe if you have your hands on your knees, it's a sign of weakness and I will exploit you. [Resting your hands on your head] was such a mind fuck when that came out, when they said that it doesn't make a difference if you're tired.

I call bullshit on 'Business Insider' viral science videos

I'll clarify it as Business Insider video science. Whenever that science comes out, I call bullshit. The science that basically says, you know, every like six months they'll say studies show that people who drink six cups of coffee a day live to 100 plus... and then six months go past and they're like, studies show people who eat too much red meat die at 40.

I am reclaiming Hawaiian shirts for people who like to party

Apparently, this has become like a race war white supremacist thing to wear Hawaiian shirts... Fuck you. You will not take... I'm reclaiming Hawaiian shirts for people that like to party.

Roger Goodell is actually on the Barstool payroll to play the ultimate heel

There's actually a conspiracy theory going on now that Roger Goodell works for Barstool because he continually plays into our hands. And I actually am starting to buy it. I'm starting to think that it's not so far off to think that Roger Goodell is on Barstool's payroll deliberately to play the heel.

Going to space isn't impressive because we've already done it a lot

I think it's cool that we've done it 100,000 times already... We went to the moon in the 60s. Technology has advanced a long way. We're not going to learn anything new from Elon Musk going to the moon. It's just for him to pat himself on the back.

Degenerate gamblers who never bet against their home team are the biggest fans in sports

I think degenerate gamblers who still bet on their home team love the team so much more than when they do those fluff pieces on the local news... The biggest fan is the degenerate gambler. He's down decades to the bookie. Still cannot bet against his home team. Still can't lay off his home team.

The Green Bay Packers are the Yankees of the NFL, not the Patriots or Steelers

I just think it's fascinating as a Patriots fan that we've won six titles in the hundred years of the league... But then the Green Bay Packers won like nine or 11 NFL titles and then won another four Super Bowls. So they're the Celtics, Lakers, whatever you want to say, Yankees, Canadians of the NFL.

Field goals should be worth four points if a 300-pound player kicks them

I've always thought that if you have a 300-pound guy kicking a field goal, it should be worth four. Or if you have the guy that scores the touchdown, kick the extra point, that should be worth two.

The XFL should have forced teams to use two forward passes once a quarter

They had that thing where you could have two forward passes on one play as long as it was behind the offensive line of scrimmage. There should have been a league-wide rule: you have to do that once a quarter to get fans of the NFL being like, 'what the fuck is this?'

People who go to the beach are inherently not smart

I talked about people that go to the beach, that they're just inherently not smart people. And it's good for our population that these are the test people. We set off the atom bomb, let's have them walk towards it. We can afford to lose these people.

I want Tom Brady to take the Buccaneers to the Super Bowl, play Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs, and win his seventh ring

I want to see Tom Brady take the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to the Super Bowl and play Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs. And then he wins seven. He's got one more than Jordan. I think that would be unbelievable.

Young comics should never give up the rights to their podcasts

If there's any young comics out there watching this, don't ever give up the rights to your podcast. You build the whole fucking thing yourself... agencies are not going to be happy that they didn't get to wet their beak on that thing.

The NFL's statement on George Floyd is reactionary and only being made because it's now 'safe'

The NFL has a track record of being reactionary rather than proactive. And this is exactly what they're doing right now... They're saying it because it's safe to do so now. It's very safe because you have the people on your side.

White privilege is not something to feel guilty about, but something that requires empathy

I shouldn't have to feel guilty about being white. I agree. You're conflating guilt with empathy. That's all it is. Saying, I see black people struggling... is not the same as saying it's wrong for me to be white in this country.

The social contract is broken when a government official murders a citizen in broad daylight

When a police officer murders someone in broad daylight, the rules to society have been broken. So you can't then be like, 'let's put the rules back on by saying no destruction of property.' Like the social contract is gone.

Bonobos are the goats of apes because they have sex to solve all their problems

Bonobos are the goats of apes... These guys have governments made up on sex... Instead of like a group of bonobos meeting another group of bonobos, they don't fight, they just make love. They share 98.7% of our DNA.

Fake crowd noise in sports broadcasts is a good idea with no downside

I'm totally down with the fake crowd noise. They had it for the Bundesliga. I thought it was awesome. It really does make it seem like a real game... I don't see any downside. I know the opposition to that is we want to hear the players talk, but as soon as players know that they're on a live mic, they're not going to talk the same way.

MLB owners are bluffing about canceling the season to force a better deal

I keep going back to the fact that it feels like the owners are okay threatening this year not having baseball, and that tells you everything. Because if they are, that means that they're probably not losing as much money as they're claiming they're going to lose. They're just trying to get a good deal.

The government is coming for the First Amendment by regulating comment sections

The government is coming for comment sections. They're taking away our First Amendment. They are coming for our First Amendment and they're trying to silence the internet commenters of America. It means right now that no one's allowed to talk trash on the internet.

Netflix's Outer Banks is a bad show that is also good

I like Outer Banks. It's such a bad show. It's so bad. It's become good. It reminds me of all my favorite action movies with Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme... it is so bad, and I'm learning nothing. I'm getting dumber.

MLB players are right to stand by their collectively bargained contracts

I don't expect you to have pity for the players. This isn't about pity, but it's still about right and wrong. And if we have a contract and the contract has been collectively bargained... All right. Well, I already gave you half of it back [for games not played], and now I'm going to go honor my contract, and you want me to take half less again. Well, that's bullshit.

MLB owners should accept all business risks rather than forcing players to renegotiate contracts

If you buy a Major League Baseball team... owning it is a can't-lose proposition. But that's not how business works. If you're the owner of a team, part of that is accepting all the risk that comes along with owning that business. If something bad happens, the risk falls on your shoulders as the owner, it does not fall on the shoulders of the people with whom you've entered a collective bargaining agreement.

MLB owners will use any 2020 player concessions as leverage to implement a future salary cap

If the players choose to go ahead and say, 'yeah, we will take your demand this season to do essentially a soft salary cap for this one year,' do you think that there's any possibility that the owners don't use that as future leverage in the next negotiation? I think that they're going to take whatever they can get and any sacrifice that the players make, that's going to come back to bite them in the ass for future generations.

Baseball faces a lack of interest if the 2020 season is canceled

If they stare each other down and nobody blinks and then the whole season dissolves in the midst of this... Like people are just going to say to baseball, hey, man, no one cares. We had nothing. You guys could have filled the void. You didn't because you fought about money. Now we've got all this other stuff. Have fun being over there and us not caring about it.

I can swim 100 yards underwater and hold my breath for 5 minutes

[Billy Football's question] was how far can you swim underwater... 100 yards. You can? Yeah. [And] how long can you stay underwater if you're not moving? I don't know. Maybe around five minutes.

Truck nuts are the ultimate indicator of a douchebag

I will start with truck nuts. Truck nuts are the Mount Flushmore of car accessories. If you see a dude with truck nuts, he is 100% a douchebag.

Car eyelashes are a psycho move and reveal specific lifestyle traits

The front lights eyelashes. Psycho move... VW bug, throw the eyelashes on, probably own at least three pugs. Like the Venn diagram for pug ownership and eyelashes on your car is a big circle. And yeah, probably living a life alone.

Tape deck car adapters provide better audio quality than iPhone aux cords

To me, the tape deck aux that was hooked up to your Discman sounds clearer than plugging in an aux cord to your iPhone right now. Science will never reach that level of sophistication that we had in the year 2001 or 2002 when we developed that.

0.0 bumper stickers are the new leader for lamest car accessory

I actually think there's a new number one leader when it comes to distances that's way worse, the 0.0. I think that's the lamest. That one used to be funny, now it's so lame. The 0.0 is now worse than the half mile.

It is better to be freezing inside with no heat than sweating with no AC

I'd rather be cold than hot. [With no AC] you can almost like figure it out... take off my t-shirt, wear some shorts, no underwear... [but] I had my heat die in Chicago when it was 10 degrees out and you can't move. It gets so, so cold inside.

People in their mid-20s are losing a prime year of their life due to the pandemic

If you're in your mid twenties, you're just giving away a year of your prime. It's like Sean Payton getting suspended for a year with the Saints. Like, you have just given away a year that you'll never get back.

The Match should be held every other week with different celebrity pairings

They should take what they did with the match, too, the rematch of Tiger and Phil and Tom and Peyton and just do it every other week with a different celebrity pairing.

Watching amateur golfers is better than watching professional golfers

People love amateur stuff. Whether it's pornography or it's golfers, it's almost better watching people who aren't professionals do it.

Shows like 'The Kardashians' and 'Real Housewives' are heavily scripted and planned out

All the housewives shows and even the Kardashians who actually are really nice people. But that stuff's all scripted out and it's all planned. There's not like where they're, no one goes, well, let's go to Nobu for lunch. Oh, my gosh. There's my arch enemy.

The NFL should call their new officiating system 'Sky Judge 10,000' to prevent anyone from disagreeing with it

The thing with the Sky Judge is that all they have to do is officially call it Sky Judge or even Sky Judge 10,000, and no one will ever disagree with it. It doesn't even have to be anything new. It could be the exact same system and just say there's a Sky Judge. SJ10K.

You get drunker drinking at home than you do at a bar with the same amount of drinks

I think you get drunker in your living room drinking alone or with friends than you do in a bar with the same amount of drinks. Like, I can have six beers in my living room, and I'll puke on myself, pee myself, and go to sleep. If I have six beers in a bar, it's like, okay, my night is one-tenth of the way done.

Your imagination is better than any video game console

Turns out your imagination is way better than any video game console. We should definitely do a just hour-long Dungeons and Dragons episode.

Roy Williams is suspect and only the second-best coach in the ACC

Roy Williams. Ty Lawson called him out. I mean, everyone knows Roy is a little bit suspect. It's not surprising. Second best coach in the ACC.

A golf match featuring OJ Simpson and Tiger Woods would be the highest-rated television show of all time

Tiger Woods and OJ Simpson as a team? Who is not watching that? I do believe that that would be the highest-rated television show of all time.

Outer Banks is essentially 'The OC' meets 'National Treasure'

What the fuck is Outer Banks, man, Hank? I started watching it. It's like how is this show? It's the OC meets National Treasure. How is this show popular?

Jameis Winston's unorthodox off-season training (baseball, boxing) will work because playing actual football is what's bad for him

Jameis Winston. He is practicing football by practicing baseball. And I feel like that's going to work. He's just in that phase of his career where he's going to just do everything that's not football to get better at football because playing football is bad for him. I think this is going to work for him.

We will likely have a COVID-19 vaccine available by January 2021

If in a very, very perfect world we could have something by January to actually take that we could get. But now that there are so many billions and billions of dollars and every single lab on the planet is trying to do something, this is when the human race does things extraordinary.

NFL and NCAA football will return on schedule in September 2020

When I hear September, I just hear football. That just translates directly into football for me. So as first reported by Joel McHale, the NFL and NCAA season will happen on schedule.

Almost any outdoor sport will return to play by September 2020

I pretty guarantee almost any outdoor sport is probably going to be able to be played, I bet. Yes. And by September, if there should be more uniform and easier ways to test quickly should be.

University of Washington's Husky Stadium is the most picturesque stadium in college football

If anybody's been to the University of Washington, you can pull a boat up to the stadium. I think it's the most picturesque stadium in all of college football.

The camera angles for Washington Huskies football and basketball games are the weirdest in sports

The camera angles, both for football and basketball, are the weirdest camera angles ever. The basketball camera angle when you're watching a Washington Huskies game is insane. I don't understand how – I'm a degenerate gambler, so these are the weird things that I notice.