Takes

The Ravens are severely overrated

I do think the Ravens are severely overrated. ... They've done a major comeback to earth for the last couple weeks.

Betting every single moneyline underdog is a winning strategy

I love 11 Moneyline underdogs. ... It worked out really well for me last week, and I'm very concerned because I know it's probably not going to work out as well. ... I've convinced so many people in the office that it's a winning strategy.

Time was invented by women to make men feel bad about their performance in bed

Time was just invented by women to make you think that you don't last long enough at sex.

It is selfish to live past 100 years old

Once the clock strikes 100, at that point, you should just let go. You're being selfish if you live past 100. Yeah, you're kind of trying to show everyone up.

LeBron James only supports NCAA likeness rights to keep elite competition out of the NBA

He wants to players to get paid. So they're more likely to stay in college the elite players so they don't come to the NBA and compete against him. That's what's really happening.

Patrick Mahomes is allergic to air conditioning and indoor stadiums

Mahomes first game indoors... I just think he's allergic to air conditioning... He's the reverse the maybe that is his one Kryptonite, right? The ceilings is... healing is literally the roof. He can't handle the fact that he can't throw the ball like a million million yards in the air when he's throwing it deep to someone he needs the sun. He's like a plant.

The Ravens are frauds

The Ravens are frauds. Ravens are hot Ravens are frauds not fraudulent footballs. I don't know what fraud means in the context of football team really but it feels great to call a team a fraud.

You cannot win with a kicker named Zane

You can't win with a kicker named Zane... Zane does sound like a guy that rides like a go-ped and sells weed to surfers... has frosted tips... probably has a pacifier in his mouth because he's just so high on Molly all the time.

The University of Virginia will never win a big game in their 'candy-ass' orange uniforms

UVA can't win a big game... Candy-ass... UVA can't win a big game. Okay D'ass that orange that that it's candy-ass... They will never win a big game. I have said it and so it hath been said.

The Green Bay Packers are dead

Today is Friday, September 27th, and the Green Bay Packers are dead.

Elon Musk is actually a front for Jeff Bezos

Elon Musk is actually Jeff Bezos. It's his front. So Elon Musk is like we're going to go to Mars... so everyone talks about him and then Jeff Bezos is in the background doing the real shit doing the drones doing all that.

Jeff Bezos remains bald to keep the 'fire within' to destroy the world

Bald guys are angrier... I think he keeps himself bald to keep that Fire Within. If he had his hair he be like everything's perfect. Why would I build a bunch of robot drones that could kill the world?

Michael Vick is not the moral authority to criticize Cam Newton's fashion

Michael Vick saying how dare you sir to Cam Newton wearing ridiculous postgame outfits... so strong words from the moral authority of quarterback play. Stay stick to just playing football don't do anything outside of football like wearing ridiculous outfits or murdering dogs.

Frank Gore's longevity at 36 is more impressive than Tom Brady's.

Frank Gore, he's 36 years old. He's never going to stop... This would be a take: Frank Gore and his age is more impressive than Tom Brady and his age... a running back shouldn't be playing at 36.

Anyone named 'Chase' is limited to being an SEC quarterback, a NASCAR driver, or an American Ninja Warrior course builder.

We realized that if your name is Chase... it's essentially SEC quarterback, NASCAR driver, and American Ninja Warrior course builder. That's it. That's it. Could you imagine being like, 'here's my doctor, his name is Chase'?

Wisconsin is the best college football team in the country right now.

I've officially got my hopes up for the Wisconsin Badgers season. As I sit here right now, I think they're the best team in the country.

Justify's Triple Crown should be vacated because the horse is a cheater

Justify is a cheater. The horse. I hope you're sitting down... Horse racing is not on the up and up. Justify tested positive for using a banned substance... As far as we know, Justify is guilty as sin, and his triple crown win should be, what, vacated? Are we doing that? I would like my money back.

Justify should be branded with an asterisk like cattle

You know what they should do? They should fucking brand him with an asterisk. Like a cattle brand. He's going to have to wear that on his hindquarters for the rest of his days.

Each NFL team should be allowed one legal body slam per game

DeAndre Hopkins doesn't get enough credit for one of the coolest nicknames... Nuke. So when he body slammed the defender, which I believe that each team should get one body slam a game, just like you get one body slam, we get one body slam.

Green Day is officially an 'oldies' band now

I was thinking that Green Day would you consider them to be classic rock at this point... yeah I guess... when does the 90s become classic rock... I think it's now. Fuck. I think Green Day is an oldies band.

Alabama could beat the Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins are trash. The Dolphins are trash and Alabama can beat them. What's a better, what's a better debate? That is Yukon women's basketball bad for women's basketball. Right. Or which school is the real DBU?

I would return to the NFL for $10 million if I could wear number 69 and be tackle eligible every play

Let's say $10 million... You get to wear number 69, and you report as tackle eligible every single play... [Gronk]: You know, that's a pretty good deal... Three games before the playoffs, $10 million, wearing number 69... Yeah, I would take that deal.

The Jaguars should trade for Eli Manning following Nick Foles' injury

Nick Foles broke his clavicle... I'm going to say a name for who the Jaguars should look to trade for. Eli Manning. Let's get it going. Let's get him back with [Tom] Coughlin. Get the band back together. The defense is good enough. All you need is Eli to win nine games.

MLB general managers should be fired if they ever miss the playoffs

If you're not going to make the playoffs... you're only as good as this year, though, and they're not going to make the playoffs. If you can't make it... you've got to go. If you ever miss the playoffs, you should be fired.

Philip Rivers would have won six Super Bowls if he played for the Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger

I actually think that if you put Phil rivers on the Pittsburgh Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger, they probably would have won like six Super Bowls. Philip Rivers was the best quarterback in that draft.

The SEC is effectively dead and should relegate Tennessee or Missouri

SEC is pretty much dead. So I think they have to look at getting rid of either Tennessee or Mizzou at this point. If you lose a week one game against an inferior opponent, you should just become a member of whatever conference that they're from.

LeBron James is an asshole for trying to trademark 'Taco Tuesday'

LeBron's an asshole. Let's just go business hour with LeBron. I do just hate him. He is trademarking Taco Tuesday. Trying. This is the guy who his big inventions, his big ideas, business ideas. Talking in a barbershop. With his friends. Space Jam 2. Remember when he created Plinko?

My upcoming diss track will put Drake out of business

Oh, yeah, the diss track is coming. I wrote it on Friday. So, yes, I'm continuing my battle against Drake. I murdered him. He's dead. He's already dead. I haven't even laid it down yet. I almost feel bad putting Drake out of business like this.

Kyle Sloter should start for the Vikings over Kirk Cousins

Kirk Cousins needs to be benched. Kyle Sloter needs to start the season for the Vikings... This guy's the best fucking player in the history of any league's preseason of all time... If he gets cut, there should be 31 hungry teams chomping at the bit to pick up Sloter.

Short people take over the world for moments and then are infamous for the rest of history

Short people take over the world. For moments. And then are infamous for the rest of history... Tall people run the world day to day. But ironically, they have to be looking over their shoulder.

The Lakers signed Dwight Howard to be the fall guy for LeBron James

Lakers fans, no matter what happens, no matter how shitty the team plays, they're going to hate LeBron or they're going to hate Dwight more than they hate LeBron. So LeBron has a real easy fall guy to point at and Dwight Howard and then be like, we got rid of the fall guy. Now it's time for us to gel as a team.

Jewel was the Rihanna of her time

Jewel was Rihanna before Rihanna. I'll say it. [Big Cat: That strong?] Yeah.

Aaron Rodgers is a try-hard loser for his Canada Boys outfit

Three years after that joke was funny, and probably like 10 years after that joke was funny, Aaron Rodgers hopped on. Classic. Way to go, dude. You fucking try-hard loser.

Ezekiel Elliott should continue his holdout because Jerry Jones is being disrespectful

Zeke maybe man all this disrespect being thrown away by Jerry Jones. I don't have to take it to seek. It's kind of a bad look though to be like, I can't believe that he said zi KU... I don't have to take it to seek.

Peeing in a pool is safer and more logical than getting out to use the bathroom

Stop peeing in the pool? Don't pee in a pool. You're unsafe... You're more likely to injure yourself getting out of a pool and getting back in true than you are if you just stay in the pool and P true... if you walk through the house after being in a pool, you're creating an enormous slip and fall Hazard facts... p in that Soul tip.

The United States should just invade Greenland if Denmark won't sell it

There are other ways to take over a country besides buying it like fuck it. Let's just ride. Well, what's Denmark going to do to stop us from invading green? Nothing. Absolutely. Nothing. Yeah. There's probably some treaty that would stop it. But that's a piece of paper. Denmark has bigger fish to fry.

MLB should have its pros pitch to kids during the Little League World Series game

I wish they played on an actual Little League dimension field... Kids pitching, Paxton Lynch just went deep... Major League Baseball players hit it. Yes. And just have it be.

The Washington Redskins locker room is less safe than a WWI trench

You'd have better luck getting injured at the bottom of a trench in World War One than in that Redskins locker room right now with all the shit that's like creeping around.

Kyler Murray is an absolute bust

Kyler Murray looks pretty bad. [...] We're ready to declare after this first half maybe Kyler Murray's a bust. [...] Kyler Murray is an absolute bust.

Green Bay should move the Packers franchise if they need gimmicks to get fans loud

It's a sad, sad day when the Packers need to find gimmicks to be louder. [...] If you have to ask the Green Bay fans to be louder, maybe just move the whole franchise.

The Cowboys should pay Dak Prescott $75 million per year

As not a Dallas Cowboys fan, I hope they pay Dak as much money as possible. 70. 75. Okay. Fuck it. Deal. Full send.

NFL teams should be allowed to give one rookie a monk haircut as team building

I think that you should be allowed to give one rookie a monk. Yes, yes, I agree. That's not hazing, that's team building. That's funny. Big difference. If it's funny, it's not hazing.

Christian Pulisic stunk in his Chelsea debut and might not be ready for the bright lights

I watched the whole game. He stunk. Is he not ready for the bright lights?... I'm just going to say, as someone who was ready to declare this the biggest moment in USA soccer history, yeesh, maybe we have to start getting the narrative that he's not from America.

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning... Dude, who gets salmonella from fucking eggs anyway? That's such bullshit.

Daniel Jones is currently the best quarterback in the NFL

Daniel Jones is the best quarterback in the NFL right now.

David Montgomery is the greatest running back in history

David Montgomery is the greatest running back I've ever seen in my life.

The Cleveland Browns are 'America's Team' for the 2019 season

The Cleveland Browns are America's team this year, as first coined by me... I stole that take from Hawkins... but the Cleveland Browns are America's team this year.

Michael Crabtree didn't sign with the Cardinals because he feared Aqib Talib

My cool throne is Michael Crabtree. So Michael Crabtree decided not to sign with the Arizona Cardinals yesterday... It would have been a terrible move for him because he would have had to play against Aqib Talib twice. Oh, he didn't want that chain snatched. Yeah, the Dunn chain was about to hang over his neck, and Aqib Talib was about to swipe it off.

Goat cheese is 'chick cheese' and not for guys

Goat cheese? Are you kidding me? That's chick cheese, bro. I disagree. That's a big time chick cheese.

Drake is not a talented rapper and has 'low T'

I don't get why Drake is pop. I don't really like his music... I don't think he's a talented rapper. They're all slow. He's low T. Drake is very low T... He does the thing where he rhymes the same word with the same word a lot. He's kind of slow. He mumbles. He's got low T. Actually, he's kind of like me.