Takes

A star-studded WrestleMania would be the most electric event to kick off the return of sports

If there was going to be one event that's like kicking off sports being back, a star-studded WrestleMania where it's like this is the event tonight. You have all the celebrity cameos, you're gonna have all the athletes, all the crowd, and then it's like starting after tonight sports are back on. It would be the most electric event of all time.

Paying a running back is never worth it

Tell me when paying running back is worth it. It's never worth it. It sounds like a good idea at the time. And if you're a new head coach, this is such a new head coach move... it's like ordering shots of Jagermeister. Well, sounds good. And then later on it's like having sex raw dog. It's good in the moment. Nine months later you're like, 'fuck, I definitely should have done that.'

Aaron Rodgers is the fourth greatest quarterback since 1980

My number four [is] Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback that I've ever seen in terms of like the throws he can make, everything that they can do. Now granted the last couple years not as great, but in his prime... the Packers were never out of a game.

Dan Marino was Patrick Mahomes before Patrick Mahomes

Dan Marino had five years where he led the league in passing... he was like Patrick Mahomes before Patrick Mahomes. When you talking about his second year in the league when he had 48 touchdowns in 1984... which is fucking ridiculous.

Ben Roethlisberger is the sixth greatest quarterback since 1980

Number six: Big Ben Roethlisberger. He has twice as many Super Bowls as Aaron Rodgers.

Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith will eventually reunite on a show together

Skip and Steven Naismith will eventually get back together. I agree. They miss each other because Max [Kellerman] is not the worthy foe... it's been our theory on this show that Skip and Steven Naismith will eventually get back together.

Digging up old draft prospect tweets is lame, and it's a red flag if a 13-year-old isn't tweeting 'crazy stuff'

I actually think there's nothing lamer than plotting ahead and trying to fuck up the biggest night of somebody's life because they had some weird tweets. If you're 13, and you're not tweeting out crazy stuff, you're not taking enough chances and that to me is even more of red flag.

The 49ers and Bears saved lives by not winning the Super Bowl or drafting Mahomes

My cool throne is the Niners because they saved lives by not winning the Super Bowl... the Bears saved all the lives by not drafting Mahomes because it was funny. Chicago would never celebrate anything ever. Tear down the Jordan statue.

I would not have a spot in today's NBA

No, not at all. I would probably be playing overseas... I'm glad I came along when I did. nowadays, if you assume that you gotta have a 40 inch vertical, you gotta be able to run the floor like a gazelle. No way I would have been able to keep up with the pace.

The NBA will not return to finish the 2019-20 season

Now I've come to the conclusion... I honestly don't see the NBA coming back. It's going to be hard... I couldn't see myself leaving my family right now to go with it and play an isolated area on the bubble.

Rudy Gobert is essentially a savior for forcing the world to take COVID-19 seriously

Rudy was kind of like a bad guy, but he was almost like a savior... he possibly saved some lives by doing an immature act because after the incident, the NBA led the charge and shut down sports. From there it was a spiral where everyone else was like, 'it's time to shut down the world.'

Mark Jackson deserves more credit than Steve Kerr for the Warriors dynasty

Mark Jackson built that coach over there. Mark Jackson is on record calling the Splash Brothers the Splash Brothers. He's on record talking noise saying 'I got the best two shooters in the world.' Steve Kerr just happened to see the stroke go right.

Russell Westbrook is the greatest Thunder player ever, even if KD was the best

Russell Westbrook was the greatest Thunder ever. I didn't say he was the best player to ever play for the Thunder... the greatest is like a person who held it down... put up some great numbers. When you hear the name Thunder, you think of this person. Katie [Durant] left the door open.

Kevin Durant will win NBA MVP in the 2020-21 season

I actually think [Kevin Durant] is going to win the MVP next year on top of it... with him going to the Nets, I think it's going to be his team. It is his team.

The Lakers would have won the title this year if the season continued

The Lakers [would have won]. They were peaking at the right time. LeBron was on his way of challenging Giannis in my eyes to winning the MVP. They have the best duo in the league since Kobe and Shaq.

Old school NBA coaches are becoming extinct

It's a different type of it's not like old school no more. Like these old school coaches are coming extinct. It's a player's league. You got to have coaches that's going to understand the players... I almost think that Gregg Popovich's time is almost, you know, he's done a great job, but maybe it's time for new change.

Gregg Popovich's time with the San Antonio Spurs has run its course

I almost think that Gregg Pop's time is almost... as great of a job as he's done, but at some point we all run our course and maybe it's time for new change over there with the Spurs.

Church is one of the worst places to be drunk

My number one, I'll go with... Church. If you just like taking sacrament too many times, blood of Jesus. You're the biggest lightweight of all time and you're an embarrassment.

Meeting your significant other's family for the first time is the worst place to be drunk

With your significant other's family for the first time. You do not want to be that guy. You will 100% be that guy or girl because you will 100% or it's a big experience. It's gotta happen someday further down the line, but at first... you then become the drunk guy forever.

Taking a tequila shot right before sex makes you a 'stallion'

Right before you have sex. Dude, I'm about to be a stallion. You don't have the anxiety. You don't know if it's not going to work yet. In that moment if you're [drunk] I'm just gonna go for it.

A 'nice light buzz' is the best way to fly on a plane

A nice light buzz is a great thing to have on a plane. You can't get too drunk on a plane because then it really starts to suck, but a nice light buzz is a great thing to have.

The NBA HORSE competition is completely uninteresting

We did have HORSE last night which I'll tell you right now. I did not watch did not tune into that. Zach LaVine, that's really the only Zach LaVine who competes in every single like off-the-books contest there is... Chris Paul, Paul Pierce, really no interest in it whatsoever.

MLB should use completely random divisions if they play a shortened season

I'm actually all for this because it's going to be such a weird season anyway. If they play a shortened season that why not have just completely random divisions and have it beat something totally different where we always look back and I'm like, oh, yeah, that was the season that the Cubs were in the same division as the Giants.

The NFL Draft is the only thing keeping sports fans going right now

The only thing that we have pulling us forward right now is the NFL draft. And thank God that that's there because that's at least giving us something to talk about. It feels normal that it's going to happen.

The NCAA will never give up a football season because they need the free money

I think that college is there's just no chance that they're going to give up entire football season. They're gonna figure out a way to make their free money like without that free money... if they miss a football season, they might have to just declare bankruptcy.

The DC Defenders are the rightful XFL Champions

The XFL, it sucks. But I am declaring DC Defenders champions on behalf of all the fighters... the stats don't lie. So first place in the East toughest division heart of strength of schedule. I'll take it.

I am back on the Tua Tagovailoa train because he looks better throwing without college stripes

Watching [Tua Tagovailoa] throw with an NFL ball looks good. Like the witchcraft is gone or whatever. It looks I think it goes from looking like it's spinning clockwise to looking like it's spinning counterclockwise now that it has the stripes off. So I'm 100% on board the Tua train.

I am considering drinking baby formula daily to lose weight

What if I just started drinking baby formula every single day. Do you think I would lose weight?

I could break 100 on the golf course playing left-handed

I don't know if I broke a hundred, that'd be pretty good. I'd be happy, pretty satisfied... I can hit it pretty far. I think I hit it like the driver... somewhere, I mean the guy hit it like 300 yards [left-handed].

Donald Trump is a better golfer than Barack Obama

You've golfed with both Trump and Obama who's better? [Trump]. Trump's better, a little better. Yeah.

Our handball team with NFL quarterbacks and golfers would go undefeated

I feel like team pardon my take would be pretty solid... I don't see ya [losing]... undefeated minimum.

Playing golf without fans will be awful and weird

I don't know, I feel like it's gonna be weird. I think it's gonna be awful without fans. I really do. Like how weird is it going to be watching on the TV? ... Imagine this: you sink the putt on the last hole and no one's clapping.

College football coaches are the last people who should be commenting on the coronavirus

I can't stress this enough like the very last people that you want to comment on coronavirus are college football coaches. They cannot at any point understand what's going on... All they're thinking about is getting their boys back... If you want a quote that will not look good, just go ask any college football coach in America.

Calamari is a trash appetizer

Calamari. Everyone always orders it. I'm always at tables where they just like, oh, well, just get calamari, assuming I want calamari. I'm just like no... if you don't have sauce, it's disgusting.

Deviled eggs are gross as a party appetizer

I think deviled eggs are gross to eat like an appetizer form. Like if you're out and you eat a deviled egg, it's like okay have cool egg breath for the rest of the fucking night, dude.

The Bloomin' Onion is a disappointment; just order onion rings

Whenever you order it, it's always disappointment. The Bloomin' Onion. Think about it, like why? Just order onion rings.

Bigfoot is a prehistoric ape called Gigantopithecus that hides its tracks by burying its dead

There's actually a giant ape, a prehistoric ape called gigantopithecus... If they were burying their dead, it means that they have ways to cover up their tracks. So if they like kept going on this, they could definitely figure out ways to like totally avoid humans at all costs like secret tunnels and stuff under the woods.

There are alligators living in the New York City sewers

New York city sewer gators... they brought them home, they then saw that they were getting way too big or they got bored of them and were flushing down the toilet. They're all the New York City sewers eating giant rats. They're actually down there because it's super hot during the winter, it's super cool during the summer. Confirmed.

The Beserker Blood Cult will make us more efficient drinkers by donating blood

The idea is we show like this is where called does it's called the Berserker blood cult... on Friday, we donate blood platelets or blood and then we like just become blood making machines... you buy alcohol and you can buy less alcohol because your blood levels are lower so your BAC gets higher so it's economical.

Donating blood and platelets frequently is like an oil change for the body

I like the idea of donating my blood more frequently because it's like a car oil change, right? Yeah, like if my body if I'm walking around with old blood then I'm going to act sluggish. It's not going to be as efficient. But if I give a bunch of my blood, the new blood's better.

Dana White being forced to cancel UFC events makes me very nervous about the return of sports

The UFC canceling their next pay-per-view is making me scared... when Dana White has to adhere to the rules makes me a little nervous.

Bill Belichick won't care about Gronk leaving; he will just view it as getting a draft pick for nothing

There's not a single person better equipped to have like two of his star players leave him willingly than Bill Belichick... He'll probably get a great draft pick for and just keep moving on like not even think about... he would absolutely get something for nothing because Rob's not coming back to play.

The traditional post-game handshake in sports will likely never return

My fire fest of the week is I don't think that they're going to be any more hockey handshakes at the end of Big Time Stanley Cup Playoff Series because Dr. Fauci said that he doesn't think the handshakes ever go to I'm back. I'm happy about this... It absolutely is weird. If it was any other part of your body that you did this with it would be bizarre.

Dayton would have beaten Kansas to win the National Championship this year

I think they can beat Kansas... having a rematch with the national player of the year, the national Coach of the Year, a mid-major. When's the last time a mid-major won a national championship? It's been a long time.

Michigan State's hypothetical run would have ended with Tom Izzo and Cassius Winston winning it all against a nobody

I feel like they would have it feel like a fanfic for Michigan State would have had them playing complete nobody came and coming out of nowhere in the finals. So it would have even been a memorable final except for Izzo and Cassius Winston.

I will break my wrist if I attempt to ride a skateboard during the tandem bike tour

I'm bad at balancing in general. So I've always wanted to surf or skateboard can't do it. If I get on a skateboard, I guarantee you within probably less than a second, I will break my wrist very bad.

Stephen A. Smith can now win the Presidency after condoning legal marijuana

Steven Naismith just condoned legal marijuana. I think he actually now can win election as president of the United States... No one is going to beat him in a debate unless he's going up against Skip Bayless.

Bill O'Brien and Mike Zimmer will definitely be the ones to mess up the virtual draft technology

Bill O'Brien the head coach and Bill O'Brien the GM would be at the top of my list for that... I don't see them either one of them as being technology guys... Mike Zimmer definitely is going to be up there.

Jerry Jones will definitely screw up the virtual draft technology by fighting over control with Stephen Jones

Jerry Jones simply trying to like rip the iPad out of Stephen Jones' hands and having fall and and logout is definitely on the table here... Jerry Jones still opens up his web browser it's probably Netscape and it goes to backpage.com.

The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon was ahead of its time regarding stadium politics

I love the owner being like I'm an Eagles fan my whole life. I love this city and they're like, so you're not going to move. He's like, yeah. It's like so you're going to stay at the at this current Stadium. He's like, whoa didn't say that. We need a new Stadiums like hey, look there's every problem that every ownership video team has had ever had for the rent for the next 25 years... Stan Kroenke probably watch this was like, oh this is how it's done.