Takes

There will be sports played in some format this summer

I think that there it sounds more and more like there will be Sports at some point this summer. We don't know what that formats going to look like. We don't know if there will be fans.

Jerry Rice and Randy Moss are the two best receivers in NFL history and it is not a debate

Jerry Rice and Randy Moss... you agree they're just on there absolutely? They're one and two and that's not even a debate. That's not up for debate.

Calvin Johnson is a better receiver at his peak than Terrell Owens and Marvin Harrison

I think [Calvin Johnson] is a better receiver at his Peak then T.O. and Marvin are. If you look at it has a higher yards per reception than everyone else that I just listed. He also has the the greatest receiving season in 122 receptions 1964 yards, and he was playing on the Lions.

Larry Fitzgerald has more career tackles than dropped passes

Look at number one: [Larry Fitzgerald] has more tackles than dropped passes in his entire career. That's fucking wild, isn't it?

Randy Moss is the best receiver in the history of the NFL

Randy Moss is the is the best receiver in the history of the NFL, Correct? I don't care what he did to [the] caterer in the barbecue... he was also the greatest wide receiver all time.

Mike Gundy needs a filter because he says exactly what many college coaches are thinking out loud

Mike Gundy definitely needs a filter to run these things through because there's nothing that he said that was a lie about how a lot of major college coaches think. He just said the quiet part really really loudly.

Tigers and other big cats are capable of catching the coronavirus

Tigers because... cats in general... big cats are now capable of catching the virus. The one at the Bronx Zoo is sick.

I will bike around the perimeter of Manhattan in under 3 hours and 15 minutes

The perimeter of Manhattan, it's a about a three-hour bike ride. Okay. Now there are some places. I don't know which streets to take exactly. So I'm going to I'm going to give myself three hours 15 minutes. Okay to get around the island of Manhattan.

Fans will hate watching sports with no crowds after just two days

Two days into baseball and stadiums... with no fans in the stands and guys sitting like eight seats apart in the bleachers people going to go like this blows. I don't like this everyone hates everything. No one's gonna like it.

The virtual NFL Draft is a recipe for disaster and will be hacked

The idea of the NFL going 'Hey, we're going to do virtual draft' which by the way, that's it. That's the recipe for disaster. Oh, yeah people people are a thousand percent going to hack it and you're going to be like Andy Reid's going to be on an iPad trying to figure out what's going on in someone's going to send him a porn link or something.

Maryland would have made a Final Four run in the 2020 tournament

I do honestly believe that [Maryland] were one of those 15 20 teams that could have made a final four run... you're probably always going to think the most positive outcome was what would have happened because who sits around goes, 'you know, we probably lost to Akron in the first round.'

The Redskins should take Tua Tagovailoa over Chase Young if they want a franchise QB

I'm started talked myself into Tua because I think that he has a better chance of being a great great quarterback than Dwayne [Haskins] does... If you need a quarterback, which you do, I think you kind of have to bite the bullet and take Tua.

Aside from quarterback, the edge rusher is the most important position on a football team

The second most important guy you can get besides a quarterback is someone that can tackle the quarterback.

AJ Soprano is the worst TV character of all time

AJ Soprano is the worst character of all time. I fucking hate it.

Joffrey Baratheon is a detestable character and I want to throw things at the TV when he appears

Joffrey absolutely hate him every time he's on the screen. I want to throw something at it... I hate that kid.

Robert California's character marked the end of The Office being good

I'll go with Robert California that fucking soaked... then Robert California just it's like, alright, this show is completely over.

Wendy Byrde in Ozark is very similar to Skyler White in Breaking Bad

The mom from Ozark [Wendy Byrde]... she's actually very similar to Skyler White. She's innocent at first, signs off on the husband, then she tries to take over the business and flex her muscles.

Vincent Chase is a terrible TV character

I think Vincent Chase is a fucking terrible character. Vinnie Chase. I hate Vinnie Chase... What does Vinnie Chase do that's memorable besides make stupid decisions, box smoke shows, and hang out and smoke weed?

There has never been a better time to get a cold sore than during the quarantine

How about this for positivity? There's never been a better time to get a cold sore. I'm just saying that if you do get cold sores now is like you're hitting the lottery if you get one you don't have to go into work for a couple weeks, no one's ever going to know.

Returning to normalcy after the pandemic will be a gradual process, not a sudden switch

We're also not going back to normal like a light switch. We're not gonna be like, 'Hey, there we go. Now everyone just go party and we're cool.' It's going to be such a weird gradual thing where everyone is scared of each other because of germs.

The NBA is definitely going to cancel the rest of the 2019-2020 season

I saw it briefly and scrolled right by it. And then this is the first time thinking about the fact that [Adrian Wojnarowski] kind of hinted that and NBA is definitely going to cancel the rest of the season.

The NBA's proposed Horse tournament on Instagram Live is the most boring idea ever

Adam Silver is considering having the best players in League Play horse against each other live on Instagram, which is just sounds like the most boring idea of all... there's no way like horse is the fun game when you're like five years old... I would rather watch these players go through their regular work out.

Global dimming will cause a short-term increase in global warming this summer

There's something called global dimming which is the effect that aerosol and all those little particles have... It actually protects us a little bit from the sun's rays and makes the earth a little bit cooler because we put so much shit into the atmosphere now that all that's dipping down. It's actually going to increase the short-term effect of global warming, so we're doubly fucked.

Internet 1.0 (less cynicism and sarcasm) is making a comeback

I'm bringing back internet 1.0... We're not trying to fuck with people were just being nice trying to signal boost all the artists out there... less sarcasm less cynicism in the internet and less like everything is the worst and we're all going to die.

The Kansas City Chiefs should sign Tom Brady to mentor Patrick Mahomes

I think the Chiefs have the upper hand right now... there's rumors that they're not happy with Mahomes and his leadership. They want Tom there for a year, have him grow... I think they pay Tom and just wait for a year for an extension with Patty. Give him a one-year deal.

Brian Flores is an unbelievable coach and the Dolphins won't be as bad as they look

Brian Flores really good he was a quality control special teams dude when I was there in New England dude Rose the Rings unbelievable Coach and he's I mean I thought he did one of the best coaching job The NFL last year... Hopefully no Dolphins get offended like the trashiest football team... But [Flores] I thought did one of the best coaching jobs.

The COVID-19 pandemic is the easiest time ever for athletes to get away with taking PEDs

It would be the easiest time ever to take PEDs, the absolute absolute easiest time, because you could get out of it. Like, what are they going to say, 'No, you don't have symptoms'? Yes, I do. And then you just maybe you just cough or something. You will not get tested.

The ideal modern NFL running back is 5'10" or shorter and around 205 pounds

If I'm a head coach, even in the NFL, I want a back that's 5'10" or shorter. People are going to laugh, but I don't want a six-foot-two running back. I want a 5'10" or shorter, 210 to 200 pounds running back who's fast, can catch the ball, and then I'll go get a six-foot-two, 225-pounder that can run on the goal line.

NFL offensive coordinators will fail miserably trying to replicate the Derrick Henry model with big backs

There are going to be offensive coordinators that just try to plug any 6'3" 235-pound guy in at running back and it's going to fail miserably.

The 17-game NFL season is not worth it due to the physical toll on players

Absolutely not dude. I don't need another game. Like what about another... Nah, dude not worth it. Really our bodies are so fucking hurt after the season like 16 games and then you got the playoffs if you're lucky enough to make it that far and I don't know we just don't need another game.

You should never help an opposing player up after you pancake them

Don't fucking help him up. What the fuck are you doing? If you pancake a guy, don't fucking pick up a guy that I just pancaked. That's my bitch.

Rick Pitino is definitely a guy who has nipple rings

I think the two of them probably have a lot in common as you like Cuomo Rick Pitino has probably a nipple ring guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah big time nipple ring guy if he doesn't have them he loves them.

Sautéing onions with butter is the greatest smell ever

Sautéing onions is like the greatest smell ever. Yeah, some butter.

Vikings used magic mushrooms to cure concussions and it could save modern football

Essentially Vikings might have caught cured concussions and save football. If they do the research and develop a drug where it's like, okay, this would actually speed up the process... these Berserkers definitely had CTE and like a lot of them lived to super old ages... we could save football.

Mike Francesa is making his content less accessible to the few people still listening

My friend says it was like hey, you know, what's a good idea to make sure that my content is even less accessible to the people? ... It's the MLB model. Yes. If he was smart, he would just start his own Twitter account for his own show. But I guess he's sunk a lot of production costs into doing the mics on app.

The quarantine will result in a generation of "Corona Livers" due to the massive spike in alcohol consumption.

Alcohol consumption is going way off in America. People are talking about having Corona babies. They're going to be Corona livers in about three or four months.

Robert Kraft's mask donation should be treated as a good deed regardless of his politics

I just feel like we're at the point in time where it's like any good deed that can help the greater cause here, let's just let it be a good deed. What's especially egregious considering that he could go right down the street to Chris Sale and be like, 'Hey Chris, can you cut up some more MLB jerseys to Masks?'

Sports won't have fans in attendance for at least a year

I'm convinced we're not gonna have fans for a year. So the no fans ship has really sailed. Just give me a camera with a ball on the screen moving back and forth.

2021 college sports will likely feature both football and basketball played in the spring.

I actually saw an idea... that looking more and more like the springtime in college sports is going to be both football and basketball next year. That would be crazy. That would be nuts.

If Steph Curry played in 1951 Indiana, they would burn him as a witch.

If Steph Curry was in 1951, Indiana, do you think they would burn him as a witch? Yeah, for sure. ... you never see it. You never see do it. They're probably actually just burned Kyrie for his weird beliefs before he even stepped foot on a basketball court.

Tony Romo's massive contract was purely a result of being in the "absolute perfect place at the perfect time."

I have no idea. I have no animosity jealousy anything I am happy for [Romo]. And he doesn't do what I do. So, you know, I wonder but others in this business trying to follow that model to me Romo was in the the absolute perfect place at the perfect time with two networks that were dying to either keep him or get him and it just came up at the right time for him and he cashed in.

Joe Buck is still trying to make the "Playoff Damien" [Williams] nickname happen despite it not being a thing.

Joe Buck was great as always even though he's still trying to make playoff Damian happen. ... you blatantly made up a nickname for playoff Damien that no one in America ever thought was real and thought you could just like say it and we be like, oh, yeah, his name is definitely playoff Damien.

Busting out of the World Series of Poker on the first hand was a worse life experience than my father abandoning me.

It was one of the worst moments of my life honestly. ... [Worse than abandonment?] Oh, yeah. Oh it was it was a horrifying experience is $10,000 by in... I sit down first hand Shuffle Up and Deal. ... It was a hand I could never get away from... pocket tens. Sammy Farha had Ace 10. ... that was it. I mean it was a horrible horrible beat.

LeBron James will be super annoying and try to make the Michael Jordan documentary about himself

I already know the LeBron's gonna be super annoying during the MJ Dock and try to make it all about LeBron and I don't even think LeBron's in the MJ doc, which is sneaky awesome.

Bats are the worst animal because they take away things like March Madness

I'm gonna win the strap with first pick because it's the number one most Wanted animal in the world right now his ruined the entire world. It's bats. Bats fucking suck. Fuck bats. ... Secondary take away March Madness. Don't do ecosystems... I will never forget that we didn't get March Madness in 2020.

I could take a boa constrictor in a wrestling match

I think I could take a boa constrictor. I don't think a boa constrictor could take down like a fucking well... I just punch it in its brain over and over. I would you kick a boa constrictor up doesn't have to take down a boa constrictor our python an anaconda might get you.

Hitler's dog, Blondi, was a bad dog because dogs take on the personality of their owners.

I'm gonna go on a limb and say that Hitler's dog blondi is bad because dogs they take on the personality of their owners. You know that. ... I'm going to go on a limb and say that Hitler's dog blondi is bad.

It is better to be a career backup like Chase Daniel than an all-time great like Dan Marino who never won a ring.

It's like the age-old question. Would you rather be Chase Daniel or Dan Marino? ... and I think Dan Marino would haunt you like that would haunt you like it haunts Dan Marino. Where is Chase Daniel has is probably very at peace with like, you know what this was my ability. I maxed it out and I really couldn't get more out of it.

Billy Mitchell's wife is the reason he is the 'King of the Nerds'

I actually kind of think his wife has big tits and I think that that is the greatest equalizer in like nerd world where they're like, 'Whoa, Billy look at the fucking the tits on your wife' and then he just becomes the King of the Nerds.

Brian Koo truly is a bootlicker and reminds me of Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in "Boogie Nights."

Brian Koo... scurrying around the video game place calling himself a prodigy calling Billy with updates... he truly is a bootlicker... He actually reminds me of Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in Boogie Nights. ... falling around Dirk Diggler and being like, you're awesome dude.