Takes

Tony Romo's massive contract was purely a result of being in the "absolute perfect place at the perfect time."

I have no idea. I have no animosity jealousy anything I am happy for [Romo]. And he doesn't do what I do. So, you know, I wonder but others in this business trying to follow that model to me Romo was in the the absolute perfect place at the perfect time with two networks that were dying to either keep him or get him and it just came up at the right time for him and he cashed in.

Joe Buck is still trying to make the "Playoff Damien" [Williams] nickname happen despite it not being a thing.

Joe Buck was great as always even though he's still trying to make playoff Damian happen. ... you blatantly made up a nickname for playoff Damien that no one in America ever thought was real and thought you could just like say it and we be like, oh, yeah, his name is definitely playoff Damien.

Busting out of the World Series of Poker on the first hand was a worse life experience than my father abandoning me.

It was one of the worst moments of my life honestly. ... [Worse than abandonment?] Oh, yeah. Oh it was it was a horrifying experience is $10,000 by in... I sit down first hand Shuffle Up and Deal. ... It was a hand I could never get away from... pocket tens. Sammy Farha had Ace 10. ... that was it. I mean it was a horrible horrible beat.

LeBron James will be super annoying and try to make the Michael Jordan documentary about himself

I already know the LeBron's gonna be super annoying during the MJ Dock and try to make it all about LeBron and I don't even think LeBron's in the MJ doc, which is sneaky awesome.

Bats are the worst animal because they take away things like March Madness

I'm gonna win the strap with first pick because it's the number one most Wanted animal in the world right now his ruined the entire world. It's bats. Bats fucking suck. Fuck bats. ... Secondary take away March Madness. Don't do ecosystems... I will never forget that we didn't get March Madness in 2020.

I could take a boa constrictor in a wrestling match

I think I could take a boa constrictor. I don't think a boa constrictor could take down like a fucking well... I just punch it in its brain over and over. I would you kick a boa constrictor up doesn't have to take down a boa constrictor our python an anaconda might get you.

Hitler's dog, Blondi, was a bad dog because dogs take on the personality of their owners.

I'm gonna go on a limb and say that Hitler's dog blondi is bad because dogs they take on the personality of their owners. You know that. ... I'm going to go on a limb and say that Hitler's dog blondi is bad.

It is better to be a career backup like Chase Daniel than an all-time great like Dan Marino who never won a ring.

It's like the age-old question. Would you rather be Chase Daniel or Dan Marino? ... and I think Dan Marino would haunt you like that would haunt you like it haunts Dan Marino. Where is Chase Daniel has is probably very at peace with like, you know what this was my ability. I maxed it out and I really couldn't get more out of it.

Billy Mitchell's wife is the reason he is the 'King of the Nerds'

I actually kind of think his wife has big tits and I think that that is the greatest equalizer in like nerd world where they're like, 'Whoa, Billy look at the fucking the tits on your wife' and then he just becomes the King of the Nerds.

Brian Koo truly is a bootlicker and reminds me of Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in "Boogie Nights."

Brian Koo... scurrying around the video game place calling himself a prodigy calling Billy with updates... he truly is a bootlicker... He actually reminds me of Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in Boogie Nights. ... falling around Dirk Diggler and being like, you're awesome dude.

Billy Mitchell is an assistant who talks in the third person to reporters

Shawn Jones is definitely Billy, right? Talking the third person. That's absolutely it's an assistant that Billy made up like Trump made up John Baron back in the 80s to like talk to reporters and shit.

I am officially cancelling all sports until 2022 to avoid further heartbreak

I'm approaching [cancellations] the exact opposite way. I am cancelled sports for 2020, 2021 and possibly 2022 and anything that we get that comes sooner than that is a bonus. I'm not gonna let myself get my heart broken over and over... the world has ended and sports are over.

The future of sports is video games and closed-set UFC fights

The future of sports is everyone watching video games and then every three weeks or so a closed set where Dana White has people beat the fuck out of each other. That's all we have.

The NFL should play on a remote island or in Hawaii to save the season

The NFL actually should be looking at like island property right this second. They should be looking wherever the fucking Bahamas Bowl is played... go to Hawaii. Go back to the Pro Bowl.

OJ Simpson should have been left off the NFL 100 list

OJ Simpson, like I get it, but I mean, come on, you could have very easily not put OJ Simpson on this list and nobody have been like, 'Hey, what the fuck? Why don't you put OJ Simpson on the list?'

Adrian Peterson, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Marshall Faulk were snubbed from the NFL 100 Running Back list

I think the three running backs that they totally missed and that at least two—no, actually, I think all of them are better than Earl Campbell: Adrian Peterson should be in there, LaDainian Tomlinson should be in there and Marshall Faulk should be in there.

Adrian Peterson has better longevity and is a better overall back than Earl Campbell

Adrian Peterson had eight years over a thousand rushing yards and one year he had 970... Earl Campbell had five years over 1,300 yards. And if you go their best year to best year... I think Adrian Peterson's better longevity-wise as well as a running back than Earl Campbell.

LaDainian Tomlinson's peak was so ridiculous he's a top-four back all-time

LT was a—LT very clearly should be on this list... Adrian Peterson and LaDainian Tomlinson are probably two of the top four in the right [at their peak].

Sean Payton will care even less about rules and optics after surviving the coronavirus

When Sean Payton survives the coronavirus he is going to be giving so many fewer fucks than he even was before. He's just going to go out there and be like, 'Taysom Hill, you're going to do onside kicks and recovering yourself.' He tweeted his playbook the other night. He's getting right now—love it, need more of it.

An NBA owner could theoretically marry a player to circumvent the salary cap

Could an owner theoretically marry a player in order to circumvent the salary cap? It's actually brilliant, isn't it? I don't think [there are] any holes in that.

John Stockton never stretched before games or practices during his career

John never stretched. I don't think anybody would believe it. He'd warm up, go up and down maybe twice with a basketball and then go 'Alright, let's go' and just bust everybody's asses. Unbelievable... he played 16 years without missing a game. So I guess it worked for John.

The Olympics should have kept 15s rugby instead of switching to 7s

If you had the 15s with the great horses, you know, they only can only play once a week... rugby sevens, I thought was a great addition, but [15s] has the great horses.

Circus Peanuts are the most trash candy ever invented

My first one is no-brainer: circus peanuts. They suck. Universally regarded as the most trash candy to ever be invented... I think they're just invented so like dads can have candy that they know that their kids won't eat.

Rolos are trash because they feel like they are going to pull your teeth out

Rolos are trash. You take a bite of Rolos, I feel like every time I take a bite of Rolos my tooth is coming out with it.

Milk Duds are a trap because they get stuck in your teeth for four hours

I fucking hate Milk Duds. You never eaten a Milk Dud it didn't get stuck in your teeth for fucking hours? The most annoying candy to eat... It's like a fucking trap every time.

A-Rod probably saved sports and the world by talking to President Trump

A-Rod probably saved sports and the world but I'm not bragging about it... Sports will probably be back before you even know because President Trump called up A-Rod on Friday night.

A-Rod used to buy three custom suits for every rookie on his team to teach them how to dress in the big leagues

A-Rod every year would buy every new player on the team, every rookie who was coming up, three new custom-made suits... he'd take them to his tailor, he'd buy them three suits and say 'this is how you have to dress, you're in the big leagues now kid.'

I could survive retirement if I were able to gamble on sports every night

I might never be able to retire because I'm like a worker bee that needs to be working... if I had the ability to still gamble on Sports at night? Would that keep me working enough? Because that just part that you have to pay your you have to pay your gambling debts... I think the answer is yes.

Knicks fans hating James Dolan even during a global pandemic proves they still have passion for the team

I would actually be worried for Knicks fans if they didn't have that reaction. It means that they still have sports hatred in their blood. They can still feel passion about the man that has given them some absolutely nothing for the last couple decades.

The NFL Draft being virtual will give a massive advantage to organized teams with good scouting

Every general manager in the league is freaking out right now because... it's a terrible idea from a talent evaluation side of things to have this draft when you can't go see them... it's going to give the teams that have their shit together such a huge leg up on every other team.

Britney Spears set a world record by running the 100m dash in 5.97 seconds

Britney Spears set a world record in the 100 meter dash. She ran a hundred meters in 5.97 seconds on a treadmill which is four seconds faster than Usain Bolt... no one's gonna break that record.

Jordan Love is the perfect fit for the Raiders because he has the huge hands and big arm that the team loves

Mel Kiper said Jordan Love to the Raiders which would be awesome because Jordan Love is like the perfect huge hands big arm guy the Raiders like... still don't change much, keep doing you Raiders. Love it.

John Gruden is gun-shy about hiring any NFL player that has a prominent Instagram account

I think John [Gruden] is actually just gun-shy about hiring any single NFL player that has an Instagram account after what happened last year with Antonio Brown. If he hears the term social media around a player that he's evaluate. He's like, I'm out that social media. It's the devil's work.

The secret ingredient to success is how long a person takes to feel sorry for themselves after a failure

When I really analyzed over the years what a secret ingredient is... it was exactly what you just said: how long they take to feel sorry for themselves... It's how long it takes. Some say 'oh poor me' and some get right back up.

You should use specific numbers like $990,045 for real estate offers to make the buyer appear more thoughtful

I never let [the buyer] go in with a 990 or for I always said put it in at nine hundred ninety thousand and forty five dollars or some shit like that. Why because... what do you think the seller owes a why that price because they've given its so much careful thought they really I arrived at exactly the value they want to really come in The Sweet Spot. This is what they have to offer and they mean it.

The 'Comfy' is my most profitable Shark Tank investment ever

The one that I made the most money on already in just a few short years, millions of dollars, is Comfy... They've sold over 70 million dollars... I took just a 30% of their interest just because I like the guys.

My worst Shark Tank investment was a weight loss lipstick that burned people's lips

The lipstick that makes you lose weight. It doesn't make you lose weight. What it does is burns the crap out of your lips so you don't want to eat a hot dog... terrible. That's a real thing.

Lori Greiner is the best merchandiser on Shark Tank

Lori's great product. She's the best merchandiser on the show. I'll see her stupid little Nickel Dime shit that she's made millions of dollars on and hater while I'm shopping for my food. It's just terrible.

Eliminating strict vacation policies and allowing people to set their own hours actually results in a more dedicated team

The more you say to the people that work on your team. Don't work hard take a week off. There's no vacation schedule here go home soon... the more you do that the heart of people work... you get a real dedicated people that work from their own volition and what you get is a team that can't be beat.

Flavored 'Water for Dogs' is a billion-dollar business idea

I came up with a billion dollar idea maybe quadrillion or trillion dollar idea: its water for dogs... why not a little flavored water for your dog? So you can either go with the Savory option and have it be like a bacon flavored water or bone broth water.

Bears in zoos do not hibernate because they have constant access to food and warmth

Animals in zoos do not hibernate. Bears in zoos don't hibernate if they have plenty of food and water and warmth. They don't hibernate. Hibernation is only in a state of cold.

Bears recycle their urine and feces into carbohydrates while they hibernate

They recycle their poop and pee while they hibernate... we don't poop and they turn it into more carbohydrates while they hibernate.

Grizzly bears are as fast as racehorses in short sprints

Grizzly bears are as fast as a racehorse... they can reach speeds up to 42 miles per hour in a Sprint.

Polar bears and penguins have never met in the wild because they live at opposite poles

Another fun fact polar bears have never met a penguin in the wild... Penguins are in the South correct? Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, they love the Sun.

Mitchell Trubisky is unable to throw the football to his left side

Trubisky can't throw left. He can throw right. That's why we actually did the Cam Newton... cam cancel, right?

To be a successful NFL quarterback, you have to be an 'absolute weirdo'

To be a good quarterback in the NFL, you got to be an absolute weirdo. Okay, cool guys burn out. You can't be cool... real swag is no swag... winning multiple Super Bowls makes you weird.

The US government should issue medals to everyone staying inside for quarantine

They should mail us medals for staying inside because we are saving lives. Great generation. This is our D-Day. They should just ship us as you create a new type of life-saving medal from the US government and send us like one every week so we can pin them to our shirts walk around feel good about it.

Owning a tiger is a drug no different than smoking crack

I actually think that being around these animals is a drug... you get addicted to the rush of these awesome animals that kill you, but you don't think they can kill you because they grow up around you. Having a tiger in my opinion is no different than smoking crack for the first time. It's cool, I'm sure it feels great.

Kevin Spacey is the runaway worst Kevin of all time

Kevin Spacey is number one on our bad Kevin's... he is I think he's like the runaway worse Kevin of all time. We should put an asterisk next to Kevin Spacey and then be like clearly Worst Kevin Captain because the other Kevin's don't really deserve to be in association with him. He's at a Pantheon all on his own.

Kevin Federline is the American dream

Kevin Federline [is] the American dream. Everything about Kevin Federline is something you should strive to do. You get married to a superstar in her field, you get a shitload of money, you wear jeans suits all the time, have three do-rags and a hat on at all times, and then you just live off the teat of being like a guest appearance on a reality show twice a year for the next 50 years.