Takes

The US government should issue medals to everyone staying inside for quarantine

They should mail us medals for staying inside because we are saving lives. Great generation. This is our D-Day. They should just ship us as you create a new type of life-saving medal from the US government and send us like one every week so we can pin them to our shirts walk around feel good about it.

Owning a tiger is a drug no different than smoking crack

I actually think that being around these animals is a drug... you get addicted to the rush of these awesome animals that kill you, but you don't think they can kill you because they grow up around you. Having a tiger in my opinion is no different than smoking crack for the first time. It's cool, I'm sure it feels great.

Kevin Spacey is the runaway worst Kevin of all time

Kevin Spacey is number one on our bad Kevin's... he is I think he's like the runaway worse Kevin of all time. We should put an asterisk next to Kevin Spacey and then be like clearly Worst Kevin Captain because the other Kevin's don't really deserve to be in association with him. He's at a Pantheon all on his own.

Kevin Federline is the American dream

Kevin Federline [is] the American dream. Everything about Kevin Federline is something you should strive to do. You get married to a superstar in her field, you get a shitload of money, you wear jeans suits all the time, have three do-rags and a hat on at all times, and then you just live off the teat of being like a guest appearance on a reality show twice a year for the next 50 years.

Putting Aaron Rodgers in the top 5 all-time QBs is a 'cheat code' for people who just want to debate

There's a specific type of person that puts Aaron Rodgers above those other guys. The person who puts Aaron Rodgers just wants to debate for the rest of the night. It's also a cheat code because you can say he is the best quarterback... he makes all these throws. If you're designing a quarterback you would design Aaron Rodgers.

Ryan Mallett was a 'fun' bad quarterback because he couldn't set a clock

Ryan Mallett [is a] good one. He was fun because he got cut from multiple teams because he didn't know how to set a clock. That's kind of cool.

The 2003 Panthers team all took steroids at the same time

Jake Delhomme parentheses non-steroid Panthers. Because that team like when they went to the Super Bowl just everyone took steroids at the same time, it was awesome.

Big Baller Brand is worth over one billion dollars

The net worth of big baller brand is estimated to be over 1 billion dollars... what's it worth? why everybody knows it's worth a billion. Why do you think they come at me so hard? Because I know it's worth a billion dollars.

I will not get the coronavirus because my resistance level is too high

My resistance level is very high. I ain't gonna get no coronavirus man. Last time I got sick I was in kindergarten.

A prime Lavar Ball would kill Zion Williamson one-on-one

Prime Lavar Ball versus Zion Williamson one-on-one? Murder that boy. Too small. He too soft. He too slow. I was way too fast for that boy in my prime. I will kill him. I was just too strong and too fast.

LaMelo Ball will be the number one pick in the NBA Draft

Melo was both of those [most popular and best guard]. So if you're going to start your franchise you want the people in them seats? You got to get Melo. Why wouldn't he be picked number one? Anthony Edwards and his wife? Who are they?

I would coach the New York Knicks to an NBA championship in one year if they signed all three of my sons

Would I coach the New York Knicks? I'm coach that team, but I have to have all three of my boys over there. If I have all three of them go to the championship one year. That's all it took me one time and then he said it down I'm gone. My boys play at a whole different level when I am there.

Rick Kirkham is the most normal main character in Tiger King

The most normal main character in this whole thing in my opinion was Rick Kirkham. He was the producer of the reality show for Joe Exotic and he was actually addicted to crack for like 25 years and he went to Oklahoma to kind of get away from that... now he spends the rest of his days chain-smoking in Norway.

Doc Antle's zoo is just a front for a cult

You're like, 'Oh this kind of is nice like someone has these tigers and they're not crazy like Joe Exotic.' Whoops, turns out he's kind of running a cult. It doesn't say it's a cult but he also has multiple wives and coincidentally all those wives were like 17-year-old interns. If they leave they happen to give up everything that they have in the entire world.

Carole Baskin is a master at weaponizing sympathy to hide her messed up behavior

She was designed to come off as the most sympathetic character at least in the first couple episodes... but she is really good at weaponizing sympathy for her. She is almost as messed up as Joe [Exotic], but she plays it always using the holier-than-thou card. She could teach a class on how to get maximum money out of a GoFundMe.

There is a 0-2% chance Donald Trump pardons Joe Exotic

What percentage do you think Donald Trump pardons Joe Exotic? I say somewhere between zero and two percent.

Cam Newton was never given a decent wide receiver besides Steve Smith in Carolina

Cam Newton like was the Panthers... He also never had a really good wide receiver besides Steve Smith and got screwed out of probably some great years of his prime carrying a bad Panthers team to the Super Bowl in 2015... throwing for 35 touchdowns and running for ten touchdowns... and his wide receivers were Ted Ginn, Devin Funchess, Corey Brown and the 33 year old Jerricho Cotchery. That's incredible.

Cam Newton will sign with the New England Patriots

Patriots number one. I'd still like to see him [in] Chicago, but Patriots number one.

Jon Gruden will want to sign Cam Newton because he falls in love with every QB he broadcasts

That's a big time Jon Gruden move. I could see Gruden going after [Cam Newton] because Gruden probably fell in love with Cam Newton watching him in the booth on Monday Night Football. That's what Gruden does—if he broadcasts a couple of your games where you play well, he's just like, he instantly will fall in love with you.

John Elway only signs quarterbacks he would want his daughter to marry

John Elway tends to like guys that are like coaches' sons. John Elway tends to like guys that he would set up to marry his daughter. John Elway is the kind of guy that he likes a quarterback that walks in the door and you're like, 'oh that guy, he is a coach on the field.'

The Atlanta Falcons will be unstoppable next season because they have a roster full of former first-round picks.

I actually think that I'm the GM of the Falcons... if you draft someone in the first round they could suck for five years, but when it comes to trading them, I'm like, yo, that was a first rounder. At one point Mel Kiper had him in the first round. I watched the Falcons made a hype video where it was Roger Goodell announcing all the first rounders... the hype video got me so pumped up and I walked away from it thinking there is no chance in hell anyone is stopping the Atlanta Falcons next year.

Antonio Gates should have been on the NFL 100 list over John Mackey

John Mackey, if I had to pick, I would take out John Mackey and I put in Antonio Gates... John Mackey didn't even have a thousand yards in his career in any single year... [Antonio Gates] has the most touchdowns at tight end, 116.

Dan Orlovsky uses his kids' handprints on footballs to prevent people from trolling him

He is constantly reminding people watching him, hey, if you're going to tweet at me about running out of the back of the end zone, just remember you're doing that to a father of three. Most of [the game balls behind him] aren't actually game balls, they're just footballs with his kids' handprints on them.

Jason Witten is a third-tier all-time tight end

I have Jason Witten in my third or fourth tier of tight ends in the lower pantheon of all time great tight ends... Most of the seasons it's like 600, 700, 900. He is second all-time in tight end receptions, second all-time in tight end yards, but I'm going to throw a flag on that.

Hot dog water is a top-four worst type of water

I've got hot dog water. It is the equivalent of juicing a diet. Remnants of bathroom hot dog water... that's the most disgusting thing you've ever said in your entire life.

The Kardashians will purposely look like assholes to go viral because they have no shame.

The Kardashians, no shame if they do something. It's clearly like you'll find out what they're doing two moves later... they release it themselves and even though they look bad, they don't care. They have an entire enterprise built off of a sex tape... they will look like assholes to go viral. They don't care.

Dude Perfect is responsible for the coronavirus because their trick shot gong was made in Wuhan

I'm putting Dude Perfect on the hot seat. I don't know if you've seen them recently, but they were showing off the gong that they have in their Dude Perfect warehouse... and it says proudly made in Wuhan right on the big gong there. So many people are asking is Dude Perfect responsible for the stuff that's going on the world.

In a quarantine, everyone should just resort to having sex with their roommates for sanity and safety.

If you're going to have sex with somebody, have it be someone that you live with right now so that way it's not like you're going out there and cross-contaminating other people's roommates. After about like a couple weeks just look at your roommate and shrug, be like, 'we have to do this for our own sanity and for safety.'

On-ice chemistry and winning puck battles matter far more than how well players get along off the ice.

Once we really started to come together as a team and play for each other on the ice... It doesn't matter what you do off the ice. You can be buddies with your teammates and do all this shit. But if you don't play [well] on the ice, you won't win. You won't go anywhere.

Gary Bettman has done an excellent job of evolving and improving the game of hockey.

Gary Bettman has done an excellent job of that—of turning this game, changing the game, I guess. You know, there's still fights in the game and things like that, but it's not as important as it was when I played... it was a different mindset back then.

I would likely be the survivor if every NHL coach was thrown into a royal rumble style fight.

If we had say like every NHL coach gets in a big fight and it's almost like Royal Rumble. We throw everyone in the ring—who survives? [Berube]: I'd probably come out of there. Yes. Hell yeah.

Alex Ovechkin is arguably the greatest goal scorer ever considering modern goaltending

Gretzky's for me, he's the greatest like what he's done. It's hard to knock that. But Alex Ovechkin is right up there for goal scoring. I'll tell you what, in an era to score as many goals as he does in this era of hockey, and the goaltending is ridiculous—this guy is an amazing player.

Success in hockey comes down to 'playing heavy' and winning stick battles

The way I want to play the game, we need size and strength. Being physical... You can play heavy, it's just winning puck battles. That's what it boils down to. Using your body winning puck bottles, having heavy sticks. That's what I mean by heavy.

Mike Ditka is the true revolutionary of the tight end position because he was the first to have 1,000 receiving yards and enter the Hall of Fame.

Mike Ditka came on the scene two years before John Mackey. Mike Ditka was the first tight end to ever have a thousand yards receiving in a season—John Mackey never did that. Mike Ditka was also the first tight end to be voted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. So I think if you want to do who revolutionized the position, he's the guy.

Tony Gonzalez doesn't receive as much credit as he deserves because he played right before Rob Gronkowski and never won a Super Bowl.

Tony Gonzalez definitely is one of those guys that had two things going against him: One, he came right before Rob Gronkowski, the best ever, and two, he never won a Super Bowl... I feel like Tony Gonzalez doesn't get as much credit as he probably deserves.

Mistaking a water bottle full of vodka for actual water is one of the worst experiences.

I will go with vodka that's in a water bottle that you [think is] water. That's the worst. You expect water and you get a throat full of vodka.

Icebergs are terrible and serve no purpose.

I've got icebergs. Hate icebergs. What have they ever done for anyone? They're terrible. They break off, it's a sign of a bad climate... they should all stay intact.

Cardboard Boxed Water is a terrible product that tastes disgusting.

Cardboard water is my last one. Oh, that shit sucks. Like Boxed Water... it sucks, it's disgusting.

Brackish water is garbage water because it won't pick a lane between fresh and salt.

My last one is going to be brackish water. It's the mix of fresh water and salt water. It's like pick a lane. It's just shit water.

Bringing in outside free agents will backfire for the Falcons by destroying Dan Quinn's 'locker room loyalty' weapon

The Falcons look great on paper, but if you're bringing in all these like new people from the outside that's taken away Dan Quinn's best weapon, which is just having a locker room full of guys that know him and like them... you get these new voices in and they're not going to be going bad for you when you start four and seven.

A three-quarter-inch bottom-line ticker is unnecessary and sports broadcasts are better without it

I'll take sports back on TV... you can take [the ticker] away, that I can live without... I've seen some games where the bottom line just like not working sometimes... and the games I think are actually better without that, you know, eighth of an inch at the bottom of my screen taken up.

Bill Belichick should tank the 2020 season to draft Trevor Lawrence

Is there a chance that the Patriots Bill Belichick is going to tank this year with Brian Hoyer as the quarterback... he's greatest coach of all time. Would that not also make him the greatest tanker of all time and then they somehow get Trevor Lawrence and it's another 20 years.

Bill Belichick believes his system can carry a team to 11 wins even with a below-average quarterback

I actually think the Belichick with Hoyer, he's trying to recapture that magic he had and what was it 2009 when Matt Cassel took over for a season, I think Belichick thinks like if I have an average-ly talented or slightly below average quarterback and he knows my system, my system will will us to 11 wins.

Gen Z has the potential to be one of the greatest generations by combatting the COVID pandemic

I think we have the potential to be one of the greatest Generations looking at historical context... I think we have the potential if we really deal with this virus, we combat it... we can celebrate but right now we got to make the we got to do the blocking and tackling to get it done.

There will be no football in the fall if people don't stop partying and follow social distancing

We're not going to have football come fall. All right, first round for the first time since I think the invention of American football, we're not going to football and you know, if that's your driving force... just think what you're doing to William football.

The 21st century will experience a 'Renaissance' following the COVID-19 pandemic

Think about what when we get out of this... it's going to be a Renaissance of the 21st century and when we get there we can celebrate... people are going to bring back traditions that they sort of lost because they're too busy on their phones.

Hot water, lemon juice, honey, and Tylenol is an effective strategy for treating COVID-19

I'm recommending also hot green tea, lemon juice, and honey three times a day because the hot water washes down the virus... and if they have a fever give them Tylenol anyway, that's all I have to say.

PB&J on hot dog rolls is a superior sandwich method and I'm never going back

I've been making PB and J's and hot dog rolls and honestly, I'm never going back. Yeah, PB&J doesn't fall out of the sample. It falls out of sandwiches in the hot dog roll. It's like a taco, you know.

I will likely outlive Big Cat and PFT Commenter

Wouldn't it be something if I outlive the both of you? That would be something... I promise I'll be there [at the funerals].

Wheaties taste like an old person's butthole

Wheaties. Mmm great boxes and they're great workers because they just they made everyone who wins an Olympic gold medal want to be on the cover of their cereal box, even though their cereal tastes like shit tastes like an old person's like butthole.