Takes

Adam Schefter is an undercover warlock casting spells through the media

I can't think of a story I'm rooting for more than Adam Schefter to be an undercover witch... Could you imagine if he's just casting spells on people? I wouldn't be surprised. Two cell phones. One of them is a magic wand... That's exactly what somebody that didn't have to pee would say. It's called an old red herring. He doesn't piss ever. He's the witch, dude.

Noah Fant is a bust

Noah Fant, no offense. Looks like bust. I'm putting the bust tag right now on Noah Fant. Bad attitude. I told you about bad attitude. More like no effect on this game. Got him. Trash. Bust. Burn. Put it on the board.

LeBron James doesn't love his kids because he lets them play basketball instead of football

I would actually say that the worst thing that LeBron James is doing, the proof that he doesn't actually love his kids, is that they're playing basketball and not football. Like LeBron James should have been a football player to begin with. He's always kind of taking the coward's way out.

Every pair of identical twins has kissed each other at some point

I have a theory that every twin, they kiss at some point. Because they're like, you look like me, I look like you. We're all kind of narcissistic. If I saw myself, I'd be like, give myself a little smooch.

Adam Silver is on a war against toxic masculinity

[Steve Ballmer] will just cry. And guess what? Adam Silver, you can't fine a man for crying. As a matter of fact, that's the last thing Adam Silver would ever do because he is on a full war against toxic masculinity.

Short men should uniformly disavow Bagel Boss

We have to uniformly, all us real Short Kings, disavow Bagel Boss, man. He's also declared himself to be the MLK of short people. I don't know if you saw that.

Jake Gyllenhaal's acting in military movies is stolen valor

Fuck Jake Gyllenhaal. I've heard he's kind of a dick. Like, the whole method acting thing, it's like, dude, chill out. You weren't actually in the military. It's stolen valor, basically, what he does to just try to play badass characters all the time.

College football coaches should wear helmets and full pads on the sideline

Why the heck do baseball managers wear full uniforms?... Imagine if other sports did this. Give me Coach O [Ed Orgeron] in a helmet and full pads, parlayed with Greg Popovich.

Baseball needs mic'd up manager arguments to be more interesting

When we get these sound clips [of Aaron Boone], baseball becomes more interesting. So figure out a way to have the manager mic'd up... Stop asking, why isn't Mike Trout a great star that we can all market? We don't care about Mike Trout's mammoth home runs. We want to see two grown men yell at each other.

The final season of Game of Thrones was actually awesome because it received 32 Emmy nominations

Game of Thrones because they led all TV shows with 32 Emmy nominations. That's actually the most all time. So the final season turns out it was awesome. So critically acclaimed. All you idiots that say that it sucked, you're wrong because Emmys matter more than your stupid opinion.

The sky is actually flat

The sky is flat. The earth's not flat, the sky is. The sky's flat.

Big Baller Brand is failing because of government regulations

I don't know what the problem was, the big baller brand, because the business plan was solid. They had great spokespeople getting free advertisement all the time. And now they're just relegated to the discount rack at Kohl's. Well, not with all this regulation.

Pete Sampras is the tennis GOAT

I was actually rooting for Djokovic too because the more that you can poke holes in Federer's resume, the more you can say Sampras is the GOAT. ... He is the goat. Sampras is the goat.

The Area 51 storming petition is an alien or government setup

This is a setup, though, don't you think? ... The government is trying to get rid of all the people that are like crazy and do theories online. Or is the setup that the aliens have set this up and they're trying to eliminate everyone who believes in aliens.

The Clippers would need to win 17 championships to take over Los Angeles

[The Clippers] better watch their back. ... They'd have to win 17 [championships]. They'd have to go 17 in a row probably for people to start saying it's no longer a Laker team.

Chris Paul essentially has to retire now after being traded to the Thunder.

I actually think Chris Paul has to retire now, right? ... [He'll] get traded to the Oklahoma City Thunder for basically a guy who will hold the ball even more in Russell Westbrook.

Christian Yelich is not a true home run hitter because he's too skinny

Yellich sucks. He's not good enough to win a home run derby. I still, even a year later, even though he's, like, got 31 home runs or whatever. He doesn't have a home run swing. No, he does not. He's too skinny.

Lakers Twitter had the worst two-week showing of any fan base in history

Lakers Twitter had the worst two-week showing of any fan base, basically attacking anyone who would say that Kawhi was going anywhere but the Lakers... It was a full-blown, why wouldn't he go to the Lakers? We're the greatest team of all time, even though we haven't made the playoffs in forever.

I want Russell Westbrook to be traded to Miami for the ultimate second-round exit team

I want him to go to Miami because Russell Westbrook and Jimmy Butler together in Miami, the all-time 44 win, never going to go past the second-round team. Like, they would be a dynasty of that.

The Night King in Game of Thrones just really loves cocaine

All I took away from The Night King... He fucking loves cocaine. biggest showboater of all time. Like, bro, you were walking so slow to try to win that game.

Being a 'koozie guy' is a sign of a weak drinker

This might be a controversial take, but I think I'm anti-koozie. Because maybe I'm just a guy that likes to drink his beer fast enough where you don't need a koozie. Maybe koozie is a crutch for the week. It's a participation trophy for drinking a beer like Aaron Rodgers.

Every NBA player should be allowed to fight one fan per year with no legal consequences

I had the idea every player should get to fight one fan a year. You can call them out and no legal recourse. You don't get arrested. Nothing happens... Once you use it, you lose it.

Poutine is not the national food of Canada

Poutine is not the national food of Canada. I have never had poutine before. Now suddenly everybody's Mr. Poutine. This is poutine. This side and the other thing.

Doc Rivers looked like a better coach when Austin Rivers was on his team because Austin was such a shithead

Doc Rivers appeared to be a better coach when he had his son on the team because his son was such a shithead that if you could squeeze a little bit of blood out of Austin Rivers, then you looked like a fucking genius.

Tim Tebow should be the manager of the New York Mets

There's one clear pathway out of this, and that's Tim Tebow. Why don't they make Tebow the manager? Because he can't hit a baseball. Right. He won't ever threaten to fight a reporter. Right.

I hate the Walenda family and their high-wire acts

My other hot seat is the Walendas. I fucking hate those people. I'm so sick of them. It is bullshit that you watch it and you're just hoping [they fall]. And they're on straps and those sisters singing about glory to God the whole time because, you know, really God cares about you being an idiot and walking on a high wire over Times Square.

Be fat on your wedding day so you look better for the rest of your life by comparison

Some old man gave me advice on that, too. He said, whenever you get married, make sure you're really fat because then that's the one picture that everyone compares you to the rest of your life. Because that's the one picture you put in your house. It's like you on your wedding day with your wife. And so when you're walking by, they're like, damn.

Zion Williamson is the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years

Is Zion Williamson the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years? The most beloved. I'm talking about everyone loves him... universallly sports fans it feels like everyone's rooting for [Zion].

Space Jam 2 is a front to pay players off the books and avoid the NBA salary cap

Space Jam 2 is just an excuse to pay players off the book and avoid the salary cap. Palenka, he doesn't have to know anything about the salary cap. All he has to know is LeBron James' cell phone number and be like, hey, is the money good? Right. Okay, awesome. He's got a spreadsheet. Can you shave $10 million off Lola Bunny's contract and funnel it to Anthony Davis?

Brett Favre would be a better NFL quarterback today because defenders can't touch him

I would actually make the argument that the rules of the game have changed where Brett Favre would probably be a better quarterback right now. Can't touch the quarterback. Just throw the fuck out of the ball downfield and get pass interference.

Mark Zuckerberg is going to run the world and we should all start bootlicking him now

The guy who just stole the world's privacy and helped rig elections is now going to control our money... I'm going to start bootlicking the shit out of Mark Zuckerberg because he's going to, like it or not, he's going to run the world. So you might as well get on his side early.

Aaron Rodgers hates and despises Matt LaFleur

Aaron Rodgers, Matt LaFleur, not off to the best start. And I'm not making like a mountain out of a molehill. I think Aaron Rodgers hates Matt LaFleur. Despises him.

The Raptors are the first team that can actually be called 'World Champions' because they are Canadian

I think we can actually say world champions for the first time because they are Canadian. They have stolen our trophy.

The deer seen on the US Open broadcast are fake and being let loose from a truck

Those are fake deer... I'm saying there's a guy. I'm saying a guy's standing on the beach with a big fucking truck of deer and just letting them loose. I don't mind that, actually.

Mike Allstott is a sellout because he is a high school coach who doesn't use a fullback

Mike Allstott, one of my heroes, all-time fullback... is a sellout. He's a high school coach, and he doesn't use a fullback in his offense.

The Achilles injury should be renamed the 'Kobe Heel'

We need to rebrand the Achilles injury. We named it after a dude that lost a war like 5,000 years ago. And we're still calling it the Achilles. It should be the Kobe heel.

Dabo Swinney should be referred to as 'Osama bin Dabo'

Dabo Swinney said that when he's going on recruiting visits through Alabama, he's got to like duck cover, go in underground tunnels... He said that he is Osama bin Dabo when he's traveling throughout Alabama. So that's a pretty solid quote from Dabo Swinney... Osama bin Dabo is now officially what we're going to call Dabo Swinney from now.

Peyton Manning was good at overthrows, so we should have sent him to visit ISIS

Manning's so good at overthrows. Maybe we should send him to pay a visit to ISIS. Really good joke on my part. About five minutes later [Reilly tweeted]... maybe he should go to the Middle East.

Tom Cruise is washed up and would lose to Justin Bieber

Bebs is a beast. He's in the prime of his career right now. And Tom Cruise is washed up.

Mark Stevens pushed Kyle Lowry because his 4K technology makes him think the players aren't real

He's exposed to all the finest in 4K 3D technology when it comes to watching these games live. He's probably watched games on his couch where it felt like the players were diving into his living room. So he's probably comfortable shoving at them and getting away with it because they're not real. So when he's at a game, he can't tell what's in the Matrix and what's real life.

Cord cutters are not real sports fans

People who are cord cutters are not sports fans. I'm just going to say it right now. Because you are buffering and you're watching a minute behind. You care more about the money you're saving than sports, than the actual sports and being up to date. You are not a real sports fan.

If you own $500,000 worth of any singular product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it

I actually have a theory that if you own $500,000 worth of any product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it. ... But any singular product. ... Like Dwight Howard's snakes.

Paul Pierce is a coward who didn't actually poop his pants in the 2008 Finals

Paul Pierce... I actually don't really buy it. I don't buy it either. I think he admitted as much that he was just using it kind of to get a headline as a joke. ... I think Paul Pierce has just waited till it's been like the tide has turned on it. And he's like, now it's safe to say this. So he's doing it. He's kind of a coward. And he's not only a coward, but he's doing it. And I don't think he actually had to poop his pants. I think he just thought he was really, really injured.

Kobe Bryant is better than LeBron James

If you're a LeBron stan, take a moment, have a little self-reflection, and realize Kobe's better than LeBron.

LeBron James is the greatest loser in NBA history

[LeBron James] will forever be known as being absolutely great at not succeeding... perhaps the best loser ever.

Aaron Rodgers chugging a beer poorly has cursed the Packers

Curses are back because ever since Aaron Rodgers didn't chug his beer, which we'll get to in segments, the Bucks didn't win another game and Matt LaFleur tore his Achilles and is going to be coaching out of a cart this spring. Aaron Rodgers cursed their team, 100%.

The Milwaukee Bucks were lucky to play the Pistons in the first round

Milwaukee's lucky. We played him four times in the regular season, lost all four. But, like, I guarantee you if we play a ninth [game].

I am stronger than Steph Curry and could box him out

I actually do think I'm stronger than Steph Curry... I could box Steph Curry out... I got a much bigger ass. My ass is... Steph does not know how to handle an ass.

I cucked Coach Cal, Coach K, and Bill Self by signing RJ Hampton to the New Zealand Breakers

I think it's safe to say that we cucked the shit out of Coach Cal, Coach K, and Bill Self all in one fell swoop. We made a damn strong offer, Big Cat. A damn strong offer.

Eli Manning is probably a great French kisser because his mouth stays open all the time

He probably actually is a pretty good French kisser because his mouth just stays open at all times.