Takes

Taysom Hill will be the next Drew Brees

I am convinced now that Sean Payton will have the next Drew Brees in Taysom Hill because he had that one throw... Taysom Hill's throwing 50-yard bombs. It's not fair.

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America is the end of civilization

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America... fucking ridiculous... This is the end of our civilization, folks. Everything that we stood on for the longest time, America, what it was founded on, not feeling bad for kickers when they fuck up. Guess what? It's over. You got one job to do.

Cliff Kingsbury is overrated in terms of attractiveness

I don't think Cliff Kingsbury is as hot as people are saying he is... wearing sunglasses all the time in pictures is the easiest way to make people think you're more attractive than you really are... I really do think he's got a weird mouth. A little sideways.

Alabama is the worst 14-1 team of all time

Is Alabama the worst 14-1 team of all time? There probably is a team out there, and remember when I told you a little trivia, 1897 was the last time the team went 15-0... I think they got dethroned by Alabama.

The blueprint to beating Tua Tagovailoa is hitting him in the groin in the first quarter

The blueprints out there for how to beat Tua [Tagovailoa] is hit him in his dick in the first quarter, and then he'll just be thinking about his balls for the rest of the game.

NBA players are egotistical 'assholes' compared to modest NHL players

It's the ego on these assholes [in the NBA] to think that they're bigger than the team. They're bigger than the league... LeBron carries wine into the fucking game. Looking like a clown. And by the way, no hockey player would ever do that. They're going to say my teammates are the best teammates of all time because they don't need everything to be about them.

Men who buy cats are betas who want to be dominated by an animal

You're dealing with a cat guy here. Cat guys are not alphas. Not an expert negotiator. He basically got a cat because he's such a beta that he wants an animal that will dominate him... If you get a cat as a male in the United States past the age of 10 years old because you want it, you should not be allowed to date one of our American women. Go to France.

I could beat some professional golfers on the senior tour

I could beat, not be one, I could beat one [professional golfer]... Trevino, all the old guys... At some point, the father time is on my side. I'm 41... An average round for me, if I go out and just play average, I'll shoot in mid-80s.

The AFC East has consistently sucked worse than any division in the history of sports

The AFC East has consistently sucked worse than any division in any sport in the history of balls. Ever since a ball was invented, no team has had it easier than the Patriots.

Bill Belichick tricked the world into thinking Rob Gronkowski was unhealthy this year

I think that it's a major stay woke that the greatest trick Bill Belichick ever pulled was convincing the world that Rob Gronkowski was unhealthy this year so he's just been playing possum.

Mike Tomlin is in his 'Les Miles season' where his luck has run out

This is his [Tomlin's] Les Miles season. You can be a shitty coach that makes bad decisions but gets lucky and you'll be fine. But the second your luck runs out, then everyone realizes how shitty you are. In the last four games, all their luck has gone away. I feel like this might be the end for Tomlin.

Nick Foles is the greatest quarterback of all time

Nick Foles is the greatest quarterback of all time. I think that's fair. What, did he have four touchdowns today? He was amazing. He was incredible.

Australia doesn't exist

Australia doesn't exist. It's made up. If you're the king of England, would you rather just put all your prisoners on a boat, send them halfway across the world, and then pay for them to be fed? Or do you think that old king of England would have just sank that boat and just told everybody, hey, the prisoners are over in Australia now. They're fine.

Men evolved to nut fast to avoid being killed by woolly mammoths

From a Darwinian perspective, it's actually an advantage. Guys evolved to nut fast. Right. So we can spread our seed and be more efficient so that we don't get killed when we're like having a romantic tryst by a wandering woolly mammoth or T-Rex.

Losing Josh Gordon makes the Patriots focus more and gives them a playoff advantage

Luckily, they— Everyone's saying that [they're done]. So it's basically they just have to dig deep, worry about coaching, and worry about fundamentals, which is where they have the advantage over every other team. And so losing Josh Gordon and knowing that Gronk might not be healthy, it's like, all right, everyone has to focus extra and then execute in the playoffs.

LeBron James would be the best netball player in the world right now

How long do you think it would take for LeBron James to be the best netball player in the world? Probably he is right now already.

The Miami Dolphins might be the worst 7-7 team in NFL history

The Dolphins are the other team where it's like, this team is 7-7. They might be the worst 7-7 team in the history of the NFL. And I'm sure Dolphins fans will get upset about that. But actually, you'll probably agree with me. They make no sense.

I could throw for more than 57 yards in a regular NFL game

If you gave me a Nerf ball, I'd throw for more than 57 yards. [PFT: In an NFL game?] In an NFL game. I actually, you know what? Fuck it. I'd throw for more than 57 yards with a regular ball. I'd be a gunslinger. I'd just throw it every play. Really what I'd just do is screen pass, screen pass, screen pass.

A documentary of Lenny Dykstra looking for God would be the most watched thing ever

This is the greatest story of all time. Lenny Dykstra's pursuit to find God. How is this not a Netflix documentary? This would be the most watched thing of all time. Lenny Dykstra just walking around the world looking for God.

Tits are officially making a comeback in 2019

This is going to be the year where tits make a comeback too. That's right. Yep. It's no longer ass season. Asses have had their little time here. People have been all about the ass.

Gen Z is ruining the reputation of millennials

Gen Z should get more crap on the internet than millennials... Gen Z is 1995 to 2008... You guys are the ones who are actually fucking everything up because you guys are like the 18-year-olds, the bratty 18 to 22-year-olds... You're the ones who are fucking it up for the millennials. You're giving us a bad name.

The Panthers should cut Cam Newton if they lose to the Browns

Panthers, by the way... if you lose this, maybe cut Cam Newton. Cut him. Straight up cut him.

Zion Williamson blocking shots into the crowd is effectively a turnover

But when you block a shot and the ball goes into the crowd, that's a turnover. You might as well be turning the ball over, Hank. Why doesn't he catch the balls instead of blocking them?

I am going to own the Washington Redskins one day

I want to make my intentions very clear that at some point I'm going to own the Washington Redskins. I'm just saying. It's one of those tricks that you read in business books. If you say it enough, no matter how weird it is... everybody will believe you.

NFL punts into the end zone should be worth two points if the punter weighs over 300 pounds

If you should have a guy who's over 300 pounds punting the ball and if they can punt it into the end zone, it's worth two points no matter where you are on the field.

Sean Payton was trying to be a gentleman by wasting challenges for the Cowboys

I thought it was going to be Sean Payton trying to show off for [Jerry Jones], but instead it was Sean Payton being a gentleman. Tossing his two challenge flags in the first quarter... so that way when there's a terrible first down mark, he can't challenge it in the fourth quarter.

Adam Thielen is better than Calvin Johnson

Adam Thielen's better than Calvin Johnson. True. Fact. His best record just got broken by Adam Thielen, bro.

I will box Darren Rovell with my left hand tied behind my back

I will tie my left hand behind my back, and I will box [Darren Rovell]. So there you go, Rovell. You want to challenge it to a decathlon that I'm never going to fucking do? There it is. We will box, and I will box you with just my right hand.

Baker Mayfield is pranking Adam Schefter with fake news tips

Baker Mayfield... has been tipping off Adam Schefter with fake shit and making him look like an idiot because he knows we got a little rivalry with the P-Man.

Mike McCarthy intentionally calls bad 4th down plays to spite statisticians

He fucking hates those people that tell him that [to go for it on 4th down]. So he's like fine, you know what, I'll do it. All right, we'll see how it works. And then he kind of intentionally calls the worst part possible so it gets blown up so he can be like, see, I told you. It doesn't work.

Ayahuasca could help fix Markelle Fultz's mental block

That could actually probably help Markelle Fultz because it's all in his mind. [Ayahuasca] will clear you up... his brain is broken.

The Philadelphia Eagles are officially 'done'

The Eagles, I mean, I don't want to jump ahead here, but they're done. They're dead. We're doing done chain on the Eagles. Can we strip them of the Super Bowl championship... because they have not defended it well.

Aaron Rodgers might throw the rest of the season to get Mike McCarthy fired

I wouldn't be shocked if Aaron Rodgers throws the rest of the year. [He wants McCarthy to get fired]. He's sick of him.

The Patrick Mahomes ketchup-shaming in the media is a Chicago conspiracy

I think that this is something that's been planted... by you Chicago elitist types who hate ketchup, and you are dead set on finding something wrong with Pat Mahomes so that you can be like, actually, Mitch is better.

The writer of the 'I Miss Northwestern Losing' article is dangerous to society

Pat Fitzgerald actually is an awesome coach. We have friends on that team... But their alumni, when they're writing shit like this, you're dangerous to society. If you are struggling this much with watching sports, they're not for you.

Sean Payton signed Dez Bryant to pick his brain for the Cowboys job next year

My other thing about this is I think Sean Payton signed [Dez Bryant] so that he could pick his brains about the Dallas offense and all the players on that team so that Sean, when he takes the Dallas job next year...

Duke could beat the Cleveland Cavaliers

Zion Williamson, R.J. Barrett, Alex O'Connell. It's the big three, and Paul Pierce told them they could beat the Cavs, and they could. Dukes, yeah.

I could knock out Floyd Mayweather in a punch-for-punch contest with training

We flip a coin, and you get to punch the other person. No hands up, no movement, no anything. And I would knock him out before he knocked me out... I need at least three months to train my neck.

NASA is inventing stories about aliens to secure funding against Space Force

This goes back to my theory that NASA is just inventing cool shit to talk about so they can continue their funding because right now they're going up against Space Force. But I would assume that, like, this would be something that Space Force would really get a lot of money thrown into their coffers for. If you think that there's aliens that are actually checking us out.

Literally anyone could play quarterback better than Nathan Peterman

I am starting to feel like this is actually cruel that they keep putting [Peterman] out there. Like, Sean McDermott, what are you doing? You can find anyone, basically anyone, and I mean anyone, that could play quarterback better than Nathan Peterman.

There is a coordinated plot to destroy the game of football

I don't think there's any question there is [a plot]. When you think about... how many sports do you know where there's legislation to try to ban a particular sport, tackle football? Do you know of any other sport?

Gold Glove is the dumbest award in sports

Gold Glove is the dumbest reward possible. And I'm not saying that just because Javi Baez didn't win one he should have. It's still the dumbest reward. ... I feel like if you get one gold glove you just end up getting gold gloves for life.

Space Jam 2 is a fake movie used by LeBron to launder money to potential free agents

Couldnt you just offer [a superstar] a role in Space Jam 2 and through your production company pay him, I don't know, $30 million a year? Kevin Durant takes the veteran minimum on the books and... Now, I took it a step further than that because this movie has been delayed and delayed... I'm not sure that it's a real movie. ... He's got a fake movie. Follow the checks. Follow the money.

The Houston Texans are a legitimate Super Bowl contender

I've talked myself into the Texans are a legitimate Super Bowl contender.

Bryson DeChambeau is an asshole for deciding to leave the flag pin in while putting

He has decided that this year he will be leaving the pin in when he putts... depending on the coefficient of the restitution of the pin. What an asshole.

LeBron James is suffering from alcohol withdrawal after drinking two bottles of wine

LeBron, this is a symptom of alcohol withdrawal... He had at least two bottles of wine, to himself, split maybe with a couple glasses to his three-year-old kid or whatever... that would put his blood alcohol content at above the legal limit... which means the next day he was going through symptoms of alcohol withdrawal, which is maybe why they lost.

Bill Belichick leaked the Josh Gordon suspension news to find a rat in the organization

Somebody was saying that Bill Belichick smells a rat inside his own nest. And he leaked that information to one person. And he was like, if this makes its way to Ian Rapoport's Twitter account, then I know that it's you, and it breaks my heart, but I know it was you.

Illegal streams for the Tiger vs Phil pay-per-view will lead to a hacking bloodbath

If you are a hacker on the internet, the Tiger and Phil pay-per-view illegal streams will be a field day. Because I would imagine a lot of 50-year-old white dudes trying to find a Twitch stream will end up with a lot of hacking... It's going to be a bloodbath on the internet.

Never trust a 'cat guy' like Todd Gurley

This goes along with my long-held opinion. You don't trust a cat guy. [Todd Gurley]'s got two cats. Anybody that makes the honest decision to have an animal live in your house that also craps in there, I will not trust you with a single thing.

Winning big college football games requires changing up jerseys to get everyone excited

That's how you win football games. That's how you win big football games. You change up the jerseys, get everyone excited, don't pay the players, put all that money into doing different jerseys every week. New helmets.