Takes

Michael Porter Jr. fell in the draft because he doesn't have a spine

Michael Porter Jr. doesn't have a spine because that's the only reason why he fell all the way to the 14th pick. People actually thought – like he obviously was injured at Missouri... I'm just convinced he just doesn't have a spine.

Donovan Mitchell and Dante DiVincenzo are the grittiest backcourt in history

I'm also psyched about the grittiest backcourt, perhaps, in NBA history with Dante DiVincenzo and Matthew Dellavedova. Ooh. Try driving to the hole and not drawing a charge with those two on the court.

Zion Williamson will be a big time bust

Zion Williamson, bust. Big time bust. That guy stinks. He's got no explosiveness. That's what I'm saying because he's got a ton of explosiveness. So if you just say it's not NBA explosiveness, people are like, wow, that guy knows something that we don't know.

Lionel Messi is dead

Messi's dead. Messi is dead. Dunzo. Listen, it's a team sport. Go back to Argentina, Messi. Okay? It's a team sport. Argentina stinks. Messi's great. Yeah.

Dwight Howard is the worst teammate of all time

Dwight Howard, the worst teammate. Can we say he's the worst teammate of all time? Embrace the bait... Dwight Howard just being the worst teammate ever and no one wanting him. He alienated his teammates before we met him.

Dwight Howard would work on the Celtics

I actually think he would work on the Celtics. Call me crazy. But they wouldn't let him be the alpha. And if he didn't fit, he wouldn't fit. But I think he could fit.

Luka Doncic is the best NBA prospect ever

I'm officially a Luka guy. I've never seen a second of film of him... I'm going to go with best prospect ever.

LeBron James playing all 82 games at age 33 is highly suspicious

LeBron James, 33 years old, 15 years in the league, played all 82 games. Seems like his durability's going up at 33. Most athletes, their durability goes down. [Implying HGH use].

Argentina might be better at the World Cup without Lionel Messi

I think that Argentina might be better without Messi now. The whole team, they're in the win-win-for-Messi mode. And it weighs on their shoulders. Too much pressure.

The Jay Cutler trade was the worst trade of all time for the Chicago Bears

So my worst trade of all time probably, I know this is my fourth, but it's really the worst, was the Chicago Bears getting Jay Cutler. Really bad trade. Very terrible trade... He got just his shit pumped by Aaron Rodgers again and again.

Tony Romo is a fraud for talking about qualifying for the U.S. Open for five years and never doing it

I would like to see Tony Romo. Wasn't there talk of Tony Romo qualifying for a U.S. Open? ... So is he a fraud? I mean, he's been talking about it for the last five years. I don't know.

Cristiano Ronaldo is the Mike Tolbert of soccer because he just poaches goals from one yard out

He just runs it in from one yard out. The team gets all the way down, and they're like, all right, go ahead. Give it to the fat guy. He'll run it in. That's Ronaldo.

A winning pitcher hugging a batter after a strikeout is a disgusting display of pity

This is disgusting. I would put one in that pitcher's ear hole next time he got up... That's a more disgusting move than pimping a home run. That's showing up your opponent more. Go up to him and be like, 'Hey, I'm going to give you a big hug because you can't handle this big loss.'

The US will win the 2018 World Cup

I'm going with the U.S... They could still come back. You never count the U.S. out until they're totally out.

Teams should hesitate to sign LeBron James to a Supermax contract due to his 'compound fracture' hand injury

how does lebron's like terrible terrible very very painful looking um displaced compound fracture hand injury affect his free agency status because if I was a team, I would hesitate against paying a guy with an injury like that a Supermax contract.

The NBA should abolish the draft and let college players become free agents immediately

Are we sure we need an NBA draft? Why not let the guys just become free agents? Like, they just graduated college, and now they're just free agents out of the gate. And it's like people just try to sign college players. Because it's going to happen anyway.

Luka Doncic is overhyped by 'nerds' and the EuroLeague is a garbage league

The nerds love Doncic, and it almost is offensive to me just how they talk about Doncic. There's like a slant against college basketball in how people talk about Doncic. I'm not going to pretend like I've watched the guy, but my problem is the beef I have is that everyone else is pretending like they've watched the guy... you go look at who's actually won EuroLeague MVPs and what it takes to win a EuroLeague MVP, and you're like, holy shit. That is a garbage league. These are not great players.

If the Blazers had drafted Kevin Durant over Greg Oden, they still wouldn't have won any titles and KD would have left anyway

if they take KD [in Portland]... then they don't win any titles, and then he leaves. How is KD's situation in Portland any different than what it was in OKC? It wasn't. He still wouldn't have won any titles. He would have left. That's my two cents on that.

There is no one in the world who can beat me in a combined competition of every single sport

It also helps my longstanding theory that there is no one in the world who can beat me in every single sport. I'm talking every single sport, like darts, skiing... [Justify] can't beat me in basketball... I'll cross him up.

The Washington Capitals dynasty has already begun

The dynasty has already begun.

The torch has passed from LeBron James to Kevin Durant as the league's best player

I think Torch goes directly to Kevin Durant. I don't see how you can make the argument that it's LeBron's league anymore.

The NFL has a 'charity problem'

I'm going to go as far to say, does the NFL have a charity problem? Might be. Might be. Let's look into that.

Donald Trump was intimidated by Nick Foles' physical presence

I think Trump might have been a little intimidated having Nick Foles... True, big dick Nick. You can't have a guy like that storm into your Oval Office... Especially with Melania around now. He basically becomes the president.

Melania Trump's absence is a genius way to control the media narrative

I hope she's just it actually is genius. If I could totally see like President Trump being like, let's just have Melania never be shown in public again. Just so there's always like a conspiracy theory in my back pocket that can take like take control of the media narrative at any point.

Clay Matthews might be over the hill because of his slow reaction time

I think Clay Matthews might be over the hill because his reaction time was really bad. It was pretty slow. Really slow. This was a softball... You should be able to get your glove up.

LeBron James insisted on Kendrick Perkins being on the Cavs specifically to kill J.R. Smith if he made a mistake

The reason why LeBron insisted on getting Kendrick Perkins on his squad was just for this type of situation. I fully expect Kendrick Perkins to kill J.R. Smith.

Steve Kerr can't coach dunking because he's never touched a rim in his life

Have you noticed that the Warriors are the worst team in the NBA at dunking? ... I think it's because Steve Kerr's ever touched a rim in his life. So he can't coach dunking. That's the one part that he can't teach the guys about.

The 1996 Sonics were just as good as the 72-win Bulls

I don't think they [1996 Bulls] were the best team of all time. We was pretty damn good our goddamn self. ... I mean, we had won, what, they won 72, we won 64? ... I think that Sonics team, we won zero plus five years in a row yeah five years in a row.

I would have trash-talked Gary Payton off the court if he hadn't faked an injury in 2014

Are you scared that I would have trash talked you off the court? ... I mean, that was someone was covering for your ass because your ass didn't want a piece of me.

Getting an honorary doctorate makes JJ Watt think he's an actual medical doctor

JJ Watt thinks that getting an honorary doctorate makes him an MD. He's actually a doctor now... He literally thinks that he can go and operate on someone. When he's next on a plane and someone has a stroke or a heart attack, 'Is there a doctor on this plane?' JJ's like, 'Yes, that's me.'

A Sixers insider created the burner accounts to get Bryan Colangelo fired so LeBron James would sign

I think someone inside the Sixers organization created these accounts to get rid of Bryan Colangelo so that LeBron would come to the Sixers... I think someone in the Sixers organization did it so that they could fire him, and LeBron would be like, 'All right, that asshole's gone. I'm coming to the Sixers.'

The Cubs should throw at the Pirates for failing to throw at Anthony Rizzo

The Pirates neglected to enforce an unwritten rule, meaning the Cubs should actually throw at the Pirates today to make them respect the unwritten rule of throwing at Rizzo.

Chris Paul not playing Game 7 with a hamstring injury is weak compared to hockey players

So my hammy hurts so bad you can't go out and jump up two inches off the ground and take a jump shot because you're hammy? Are you kidding me? You can't get a shot? Like hockey players, you know how many shots? There's probably, I bet you 18 or 20 guys got a needle somewhere in their body last night just to go out and try to battle for the cup... It's a long way from the heart.

There should be a reality show called 'The Amazing Racist' for people fired for racism

Everyone that gets fired for being racist should go on a reality show together. They should make a reality show called Racism Island... The Amazing Racist... The winner is the first person to get fired for being too racist from the show that you go to for being fired because you're racist.

Chris Paul's shimmy was disrespectful to the game of basketball

When I say it was disrespectful, it wasn't disrespectful to Steph Curry. It was disrespectful to the game of basketball that he did it because they're friends. And so he did it like as a playful thing. I don't like that. I don't like playful jousting. You've got to hate the other men.

Brad Stevens struggles because he's too good to understand Ty Lue's bad coaching

I also think that Brad Stevens sometimes struggles coaching against such a bad coach. Ty Lue is such a bad coach, and Brad Stevens is such a good coach, that he can't put himself in the mind of a serial killer. He needs to just smoke a bunch of bath salts before drawing up a gameplay against Lou because you can't guess the weird moves that he's going to make.

A football team can never lose if they run the ball every single time

I've never seen a team lose a game of football if they ran the ball every single time. I haven't seen that either... If we can be successful running the football... the fans know we're running it, the opposing team knows we're running it, we're running this ball and we're going to get positive yards.

If Brad Stevens loses the series to the Cavs, it is one of the all-time choke jobs

I mean, if [Brad Stevens] loses the series, you've got to chalk that up as one of the all-time choke jobs, right, Hank?

Riley Curry is a fraud for not facing the media after a loss

My problem with Riley [Curry] is she's always the first one to show up after a big win, and she never steps to the podium and faces the music after a loss... Like a fucking coward. Like a fraud. Riley Curry's a fraud.

Stephen A. Smith is using the N-word on air to get ESPN to fire him so he can reunite with Skip Bayless

I also have a theory that Stephen A. Smith is just trying to get broken up with at ESPN because he misses Skip Bayless so much... God bless the broken road that will eventually lead Stephen A. Smith back to skip. And if he has to drop the in-bomb a couple times on the air, so be it.

Steph Curry is definitely hurt because he's incapable of having a bad game otherwise

Oh, he's definitely hurt. Because there's no way that Steph Curry could have a bad game. No, this is Steph Curry we're talking about. He doesn't play bad. If he plays bad, it's because he's got a messed up MCL or an ankle injury.

The CHL Fortnite addiction story is a hoax created by an old-school GM

I'm a little bit woke on this... I'm a little bit woke that some grumpy Canadian GM was like, all these kids are playing their video games all the time, so we're going to make up a scare and make up a player and say that he's not going to make it.

LeBron James might just quit on the Cavs

LeBron definitely is not close, but he's definitely got in his mind, like, I might just quit on these bums. Like, these guys stink. And, like, what do you even tell LeBron when you go, J.R. Smith went 0 for 7.

Adam Silver is a narc for reporting email threats to the police

Adam Silver, he turns out he's a narc... Everyone thought that Adam Silver was the cool commissioner. But if he's so cool, how come he called the police on the guy that threatened to murder him? And had him arrested.

Kyrie Irving won't be happy that the Celtics are 'Brad Stevens' Team'

Kyrie's not going to be happy that this is Brad Stevens' team. Kyrie left Cleveland because it wasn't his team. And now he's gone somewhere else, still not his team. You think LeBron sends Kyrie a U-up text tonight?

The Celtics are better off without Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward

They're a better team without Kyrie and Gordon Hayward. Yeah, everyone keeps saying, well, they'll have their two best players back next year. Well, do you really want that? No, you don't. You get rid of them. You dump those salaries. Yeah, you reload on draft picks. Yeah, you sign Terry Rozier to a 10-year contract.

Ty Lue is the worst coach to ever win an NBA championship

The biggest mismatch of the series is Brad Stevens versus Ty Lue. Like, Tyronn Lue is a terrible coach. He's the worst coach to ever win a championship, and the fact that he's got to match Brad Stevens, like, that sucks for the Cavs.

Jordan Spieth should take off his hat so people only focus on him being bald rather than his bad golf

Spin Zone or PR 101, [Spieth] can just take off his hat and people be like, oh shit, you're bald. That's the bald guy. So no one will remember that you did the snowman thing.

The Raptors should hire LeBron's manager Maverick Carter as their next head coach

The only way that Dwane Casey could have kept his job is if he was somehow just really good friends with LeBron. They should name Maverick Carter their head coach.

Marlins Man is likely joining Donald Trump's legal defense team because top firms are rejecting him.

My theory is that I think that Lawrence Levy, Marlins Man, is joining the Donald Trump dream team because Trump can't get any more lawyers to represent him. He's been rejected by like five or six of the top law firms. Marlins Man's probably number seven or number eight. And if I was in a tough spot and I needed somebody on my side to just like harass my opponent until they got so annoyed... I'm going to Marlins Man probably first.