Takes

Sam Bradford is a walking cryptocurrency

I think he's [Sam Bradford] actually just a cryptocurrency. I think he's like his own Bitcoin. I've been buying a lot of Sam Bradford coins, so I'm going to be rich someday.

Purdue is the Toronto Raptors of the NCAA tournament

The Purdue Boilermakers are the Toronto Raptors of the tournament. No matter how good they look in the regular season... they feel like the most unthreatening two-seed in the world.

Pooping with the door open is an alpha move

I love pooping with the door open. That's a real man thing. Because you have a master of your domain kind of thing. I'm watching over everything while I take a shit.

The NCAA selection committee snubbed Louisville and USC to avoid talking about the FBI investigation

Stay woke. Louisville and USC, both two teams under the FBI watch. They got out. So, interesting. I actually think there is an element where the selection committee said, well, let's maybe keep these two teams out because we don't want everyone talking about the FBI during March Madness.

The 49ers are going to be trash next year

49ers are going to be trash. That's my hot take. I think window is closed. No more glory hole.

ESPN should hire Curt Schilling and Keith Olbermann for a PTI-style debate show

Politics are big now. Trump is huge. Pick a side. ... hire a PTI-style debate show with Curt Schilling and Keith Olbermann. And just like the MJ-LeBron debate comes up every day, just do a Colin Kaepernick debate every single day. People want to hear that.

Championship week is better than the NCAA Tournament

Hot take championship week might be better than the tournament. Because you actually know the teams, unlike in the March Madness, when you're like, I don't know how these teams are going to match up.

Kobe Bryant is the GOAT over LeBron and Jordan because he won an Oscar

Kobe Bryant, our supporter, just won an Oscar. MJ and LeBron trash. He's our GOAT. And this proves it. How many Oscars has LeBron and MJ won? That's right. Zero.

Josh Allen pushing the revolving door proves he is an alpha leader, while Sam Darnold is a beta

I'm going to say that it was probably Josh Allen who pushed because guess what? He's a leader. And when he sees a problem, he fixes it. So Sam Darnold, way to be a beta, bro. Hey, Sam Darnold, you're just going to let robots run your life?

I would punch myself in the balls 12 times to get Saquon Barkley on the Bears

I would punch myself in the balls 12 times for Saquon Barkley to magically just be on the Bears. Just magically. You just compile, you know, you trust the process, like Ryan Pace told us.

Russell Wilson 'invented' the concept of letting time pass to cure a concussion

Russell Wilson invented just how to make time pass. He was just like, here's how you get rid of your concussion. Ready?... Drink five cups of water a day. And in six days, you're going to feel better... and in six days, I will have cured you. So water cures sunburns and concussions.

Meryl Streep is the Derek Jeter of acting — she gets nominated just on name recognition alone

Is Meryl Streep the new Derek Jeter? Is Meryl Streep just getting voted into the All-Star game out of name alone?... Her range isn't what it used to be. When you lose your range, it goes quickly. And you know what? She won't change positions either.

Winston Churchill beating Hitler is essentially 'stolen valor' for an actor playing him

[Gary Oldman is Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour]... yeah, he beat Hitler. Yeah. You know what? Isn't that stolen valor, though? If you dress up like the guy that beat Hitler, you're taking credit for that.

Chris Farley is not funny at all

I'll stick by the not funny... in Dan Dakich's world, which is my own sweet little world, and it's a damn good world, that I don't think Chris Farley's very funny at all. And he's still alive... That dude was not funny. Still isn't funny. I can turn his stuff on today, and he's not funny.

Rick Pitino didn't have a chance to defend himself against the NCAA

I'm standing up for Rick in that point. He didn't have a chance to defend himself... I think we are now officially a free Rick Pitino podcast because I was moved. I was moved.

US Women's Hockey beating Canada is more meaningful because hockey is all they have

It just feels good to beat Canada because you know in hockey, that's all they have. It bothers them a lot. And Canadians can't get bothered... We know you're bothered. We know you're triggered right now.

LeBron James' tears after winning the Cleveland championship were fake

I'm not a huge LeBron fan. I feel like he's very calculated. I felt like when he cried after he won it for Cleveland, he felt like he had to cry because MJ cried when he came back and did his thing and it made it emotional. Fake tears.

Kobe Bryant is the real GOAT because he doesn't need a debate partner

LeBron versus MJ is the GOAT debate... that means that LeBron and MJ need each other to be a part of the goat discussion... which means Kobe's the goat. Kobe doesn't need LeBron or MJ to be considered a goat debate. They're just Kobe. He'd debate against himself. Kobe 8 versus Kobe 24.

NBA playoff seeding should be based on a team's record against the gambling spread

I like for playoff seeding, I think we should do instead of best record, it should be best record against the spread. Let everyone start actually playing for the spread. It would be unbelievable if teams are up by like seven and the spread's nine and they're just gunning.

Russell Wilson has never actually had sex

I'm a Russell Wilson sex truther. I don't think that Russell Wilson's actually had sex. If he has, it's probably through a sheet. He's just not cool enough to have sex.

The WatchESPN app allows the network to spy on you inside your house

Alex Jones thinks that Bill Walton was being 100% serious... It would also be great if Bill Walton accidentally exposed this, and ESPN was trying not to let this out, and he was just off on one of his weird trips, and he unwittingly uncovered the most giant conspiracy in the history of cable television.

Establishing the run game is the foundation of all football success

Mine [Mount Rushmore] is establishing the run game. Love when a team establishes the run game. Just run, run, run, run, run. Because then you get that play-action pass and the cameraman misses. It opens things up. ... Everything starts with establishing the run. That's just a fact.

Cam Newton is a pile of trash

I watched Super Bowl 50. It was being replayed. [Cam Newton] stinks. That's my hot take.

Winter Olympics athletes aren't that impressive; you just have to be born in the right place

The Winter Olympics are definitely the Olympics where you can sit there and if you watch it long enough, you can convince yourself you could have been an athlete in every single sport. It's not hard. It's just essentially like if you were born in a weird European country and they didn't have basketball yet, you would be a speed skater.

Bill Belichick letting Matt Patricia leave but keeping Josh McDaniels proves he thinks Patricia is a dummy

The other fallout is [Bill] Belichick must think Matt Patricia's a dummy because he's like, 'No, you go ahead. You're not going to be the coach of the New England Patriots when I leave. So you go ahead and don't even look back.'

Mike Tice retiring because players 'don't want to be coached' just means he sucks at coaching

Mike Tice is going to retire, and he says it's because players no longer want to be coached... When you say that you're quitting your coaching job because players don't want to be coached, you're just saying, 'I suck at coaching.'

Carson Wentz proposing to his girlfriend right after the Super Bowl was a smart move to protect his job

Did you see Carson Wentz propose to his girlfriend today too? ... That's actually really smart on Wentz's part because his job is being questioned by some people. And the person who may have taken your job [Nick Foles] also is packing an absolute unit. And so you have to lock that shit down.

Isaiah Thomas is a mole sent by Danny Ainge to mess up the Cleveland Cavaliers

I'm of the opinion that Isaiah Thomas is a mole. I think that he has been sent to the team... I think this was all worked out. I think it's a fake feud between him and Danny Ainge... We need you to go over there, mess them up, call out Kevin Love, because LeBron's going to be mad because that's his job to call out Kevin Love.

Malcolm Butler was benched because of a gentleman's agreement trade between Bill Belichick and Sean Payton

Nobody knows why [Malcolm Butler was benched]... I actually think it's something else entirely. I think it's part of a gentleman's agreement between [Bill] Belichick and Sean Payton just to keep him healthy for the trade that is yet to be finalized. But it's definitely coming.

Wisconsin football will never be relevant no matter how many games they win

Wisconsin could win 400 games in a row. Miami goes on a four-game win streak. [Miami is more relevant]. That's why it's a joke. No one cares about Wisconsin. People have nostalgic bullshit [for Miami].

Josh Allen should be the #1 pick because he looks great in shorts

Josh Allen? ... He's tall. He's got big hands. He's got a cannon arm. Clearly, I'd take him number one. ... He also looks great in shorts. That's another thing about him.

To beat the Patriots, the quarterback needs to look like a mouth-breathing moron

To beat the Patriots, you have to look like a mouth-breathing moron. Eli Manning, he has put the book out on how to beat the Patriots. Nick Foles had that going when he had the weird glasses. Then he cleaned up, and you're like, this guy actually looks not bad.

Nebraska is back because Scott Frost is hospitalizing players with Rabdo

Nebraska is back. Nebraska is back in a very, very big way. Scott Frost just implemented his conditioning program at Nebraska. And he got two players were hospitalized... with Rabdo, which means they're building up some muscles out there. That's a culture change.

Supporting the Chief Wahoo logo is actually anti-military because it represents stolen valor

Take a good look at Chief Wahoo because Chief Wahoo has one feather in his cap, right? And he's going around by Chief. This is stolen valor... that I word, is stealing valor from proper Chiefs. So if you support Chief Wahoo, then in reality, you're actually anti-military.

Fortnite is the hottest game in the streets and is curing kids' depression

Fortnite, the hottest game in the streets. It's free... You're hearing stories about these kids who finally win a game or two of Fortnite, and their whole lives they get cured from depression.

Doug Peterson is a quarterback whisperer and the real reason Carson Wentz was successful

I think that Carson Wentz is not as good as people think he is. And it's actually Doug Peterson is a QB whisperer. Because he's had enough time now, and Nick Foles looked... He was doing everything that Carson Wentz had done earlier in the year in that game against the Vikings. And I think it's not an aberration.

Players should be able to fight one fan per year

I would like to see them implement my longstanding idea that players should be able to fight fans. One fight a year. You get to fight any fan that mouths off to you. You get to go in there and beat their fucking ass. And if you lose that fight, you have to give your salary to the fan.

Kirk Cousins is not a franchise quarterback because he grills steaks in aluminum foil boats

He was grilling steaks on his grill, outdoor grill, with aluminum foil boats. That right there, red flag. Not a franchise quarterback. What the fuck are you doing, dude? ... It sounds like maybe he's got a dirty grill. Just scrape that shit up, Kurt.

Kentucky stinks and might actually miss the NCAA tournament

Kentucky, hot take. Kentucky might miss the tournament. They stink... Kentucky is terrible, and if they continue on this path they're on, they might fall out of the tournament at the last second.

Zion Williamson is basically LeBron Jr.

They landed Zion Williamson, who's basically LeBron Jr., has the craziest mixtapes of him ever.

Zion Williamson has high school explosiveness, not NBA explosiveness

I'm going to squat on a Zion Williamson take. I'm going to say he doesn't have NBA explosiveness. Even though he has like a dunk video where he's just dunking. I'm going to say he has high school explosiveness, not NBA explosiveness.

The 2018 Cavaliers' panic is real and they won't recover this time

For the first time ever, I think the LeBron-like freakout that everyone goes through with every team LeBron's in... I think it's real this time because they gave up 148 points to the Thunder... I don't think he talks to Isaiah Thomas. I think it's like a cold shoulder situation.

Yolked: A gym that serves gourmet egg breakfast sandwiches

All in my notes, it just said, Yolked, and it's a gym and egg sandwich breakfast combo... Y-O-L-K-E-D... you can get yolked and then you get an egg sandwich.

Blake Bortles is the 70th best quarterback in the NFL

Jacksonville is the best team in football... the problem is you've got to knock them down a few ranks because they have the 70th best quarterback... No, I'm not taking anything back from what I've said. Sorry. Negative.

Case Keenum has a Kurt Warner-style Hall of Fame career coming

I'm a Case Keenum believer, which means it'll probably burn me. But I've said that he's got the Kurt Warner Hall of Fame career coming.

If you appear on a screen for your job, you should be allowed to use steroids

My new rule is if in the course of your profession, you appear on a screen, you should be allowed to use steroids. That's a fair... It should be legal... If you appear on a screen in your job, just go ahead and shoot up whatever you want.

Dirk Nowitzki is just a poor man's Laurie Markkanen

Fastest player in history to 103 pointers, Laurie Markkanen, the Finn Reaper... I actually think it's reversed now. Dirk is just a junkyard Laurie. He's a poor man's [Markkanen].

The Saints should blow up the Drew Brees and Sean Payton era

Not to brag what I called it, but you should probably blow up the Drew Brees, Sean Payton Saints. Didn't win a Super Bowl.

Tom Izzo is overrated

Tom Izzo's overrated. Lost at home to Michigan. Can't do that... Tons of talent, and they are wildly underperforming.

Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football

All of [Jeff Fisher's] players are going to the NFC Championship game, and I love it because it just solidifies that Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football.