Takes

LeBron James lost Game 1 on purpose to pad his all-time stats

LeBron actually lost this game on purpose so he can pad his all-time playoff stats.

LeBron James needs to get back on social media to play well

I think Zero Dark 23 is actually bad for LeBron because he's such a millennial. He needs to be hooked up to his endorphin stream that comes from his Instagram account and his tweets. He needs to get back on social media.

The Celtics are the most likable team in the NBA playoffs

I think that the Celtics are the most likable team in the NBA playoffs right now.

The Raptors are so inside their own head that they have to treat Game 1 like a Game 7

The Raptors are so inside their own head that they start the playoffs with a game seven. Just trying to win a fucking home game. You're kind of blowing your load when it's game one... you're the one seed and you're treating it like a game seven.

LeBron James will not go to the Sixers if they win the title this year

The Sixers don't want to win this year... if the Sixers win this year, then there's no chance LeBron goes to Philly. LeBron James is many things now, but he's not a ring chaser.

Derek Jeter will not last five years as Marlins owner

I'm being told by some other people I know in baseball... We don't think Jeter lasts the five years. We think that the owners and investors have a pressure on him.

Russell Westbrook is LeBron James's motivation for getting triple-doubles

Skip Bayless is basically saying that LeBron James just started to get triple doubles because he saw all the attention that the media was paying to Westbrook, and not because he's really good at basketball or anything.

Patrick Reed hasn't taken off the Green Jacket since he won the Masters

He showed up in the green jacket at the Rockets game. He has not taken it off. Well, yes, you're right. He has not showered. He has not done laundry. That's pure Patrick Reed for you.

Oscar De La Hoya's alleged sex tape is one of the wildest ever

The sex tape features one blonde and one brunette... in one scene, the women are seen performing sex acts on him with kitchen utensils. [A source] said it's one of the wildest sex tapes he's ever watched.

Ben Simmons should be eligible for Rookie of the Year because he didn't play a game his first year

He didn't play one game [his first year]? Then he's a rookie. I mean, you didn't do anything on the court to gain any experience or stuff. I think he's a rookie.

Jon Lester has 'the yips' and it is a sensitive subject

I don't really want to talk to him about [his bounce pass to first]. When you have that, when you don't want to throw the ball, I mean, it's in your mind. You don't want anybody to talk to you about it. Riz [Anthony Rizzo] talks to him all the time about it... I couldn't do it. It's a sensitive subject.

I would love to have Bryce Harper on the Cubs

I would love to have Bryce on our team. Who wouldn't? He's great.

MLB is making the stitches on baseballs bigger to create better GIFs

This year they're just making the stitches a little bigger, make more movement, better gifs, more social traction... When the pitches are going like four feet across the plate straight up, it's a little suspicious.

Gregg Popovich is an enormous dickhead

I think Greg Popovich is a... Enormous dickhead... He's gotten so much positive reinforcement for being an asshole that now he's just like, it's good if I'm an asshole.

John Cena broke off his engagement because of the PMT studio

He came into this studio. He saw what a chick looks like with four nipples. He saw the size and depth of my belly button. And boom, now his future wife's sex with his future wife is not as sweet. We clearly broke him up.

Foot injuries are not serious and everyone will think you're a pussy if you complain

Nobody likes it when somebody milks an ankle or a foot injury, okay? It's not that serious. If you got bit by a dog, it'd be a different story. Foot injuries are not serious. If you complain about them, everyone's just going to take your big push.

The Capitals losing Game 1 is good because you can't win a Cup without adversity

This is how you find out what your team's made of. You can't win a Stanley Cup if you don't have to battle through some adversity. Good news is we got it out of the way right away.

The Timberwolves are the hottest team entering the playoffs because they already played an elimination game

The Timberwolves, we can now say, are the hottest team in the playoffs because their playoffs already started. They played an elimination game against the Nuggets. So they already know what it's like to have playoff intensity.

Karl-Anthony Towns is a top 10 player and the clear leader of the Timberwolves over Jimmy Butler

Any time that you can get a team that has a really, like, a transcendent talent on there, like Cat, it's going to be fun to watch them in the playoffs... If we're playing Who's Man's with the Timberwolves, this is not Jimmy Butler's team. This is Cat's team. Cat is probably a top 10 player.

The Bucks might sweep the Celtics in the first round

Bucks are maybe even going to sweep the Celtics.

I am rooting for LeBron to get to the Finals just so he can lose for a 10th time

I'm rooting for the Cavs in the Eastern Conference this year... Because I want LeBron to lose again in the finals. I want the losses. I have the dream in my mind, the dream that Hank spoke out loud last year when he's like, what if LeBron ends up losing 10 NBA finals? So I am all in on the Cavs up until the finals.

The Warriors will beat the Cavs in the Finals in only three games

I'm going Cavs-Warriors again, and the Warriors win in three games.

The OKC Thunder are not a super team and Carmelo Anthony is trash

I do not give a fuck about the Oklahoma City Thunder. I do not care that they have three quote-unquote superstars because Melo is trash. Paul George and Russ Westbrook are still very, very good, but they are not going to beat anyone. Even if they win their first series, they're not going to do anything. It's like this thing that happens to everyone's brain where they see a couple of splashy names on a team together and they say super team. They don't let them get in a series. They could beat anyone. They could not beat anyone. They're not good.

I can make a fake inflatable Chick-fil-A to drive customers toward a real restaurant I own next door

We just make an inflatable Chick-fil-A that's never open, and then right next door is our Popeyes. It's a false flag franchise.

I am going to go viral singing Cardi B songs

I think I can go viral being a Cardi B remixer... I'm literally just going to sing her lyrics into a camera and just be like, check it out, y'all. I love Cardi B... My goal is in the next week to go viral singing Cardi B.

Football is a six-inch war focused on running the ball

We've got to run the ball. I mean, that's football. That's what this game's all about. It's a six-inch war. If you can't move people, you can't win. And, you know, that's the name of the game, no doubt.

Nerds run the world, but they don't run the football

Nerds run the world, though, brother. That's true. But they don't run the football. No, they don't, but we do. So we run the ball for them.

Kinnick Stadium is one of the hardest places to play in the Big Ten

It's great in Kinnick. You know, they're right there behind me, literally found in the front row of Kinnick. I mean, they are awesome. I mean, they are on you from the minute you walk in. It is pretty darn good.

Opponents lose to Northwestern in Evanston because they can't wake up for 11 a.m. kickoffs

Northwestern is a little smaller. Maybe a little sleepier. Guys have trouble getting up at 11 a.m. when they're posing... It's because it's 11 a.m. Everybody fell asleep in Madison... Couldn't wake up at 11 to play.

Success for Northwestern means winning the Big Ten West

We can't control that [Rose Bowls], but we got to win the West.

Colin Kaepernick will not get an NFL job this year

No, I don't think he's [Kaepernick] going to get a job this year.

Putting puppies and DJs in the locker room is the key to keeping Rob Gronkowski from retiring

I actually think this is a great idea to keep Gronk around if you just fill the locker room with puppies... If you fill the Patriots locker room with nothing but puppies and DJs, Gronk will be there for life.

Bill Belichick could make Lamar Jackson a star on the Patriots

I think Bill Belichick probably make anyone good. [Lamar Jackson] won a Heisman... He made Matt Cassel good.

The NFL eliminated Color Rush Thursdays as a direct shot at Pardon My Take

I might be a narcissist. I might be an egomaniac. But it's hard for me to think this isn't a direct shot. They had one card in the battle against Pardon My Take, and that was the Color Rush. Besides that, we had all the leverage. And guess what? They came at us hard. Quite literally the darkest day in NFL history.

Swallowing gum is completely normal and no different than eating candy

I'm trying to educate the world that it's not, you can swallow [gum]. It's the same thing as candy. It's the same thing as a Tootsie Roll. It's the same thing as a piece of licorice. Once the flavor goes away, you swallow it.

I am nervous that Scott Frost is building a powerhouse at Nebraska

I'm very nervous about Nebraska... We're going to walk into Nebraska and Scott Frost is going to build an 11-win team. And I'm going to be very, very upset about it.

The fact that Andrew Luck isn't healthy proves that books are officially junk science

He says that he's been reading a lot as part of his rehab. Nerd. So he's been reading a lot of books and nurturing himself with literature. The fact that he hasn't gotten better means that books are officially junk science, right? If that's his treatment course.

Mark Zuckerberg is definitely a robot and failed his attempt to look human in front of Congress

He looked like a robot. Like full... If Mark Zuckerberg's sole attempt was to try to persuade people that he's not a bad guy... he failed terribly. He did because he looked like a robot. He had a terrible suit. He had a bowl cut... He just looked exactly like I would expect a robot to look.

Carmelo Anthony stinks as an NBA player

Can we, as like a society, just agree that we're not going to believe the bullshit hype with the Thunder? Melo stinks. I watched him play. All he does is run up and down. He runs three-point line to three-point line, and he doesn't play any defense, and he doesn't really move on offense, and he bricks shots. He stinks.

The Rockets and Raptors are frauds until they win a big game

These playoffs are the 'we don't actually believe in these teams' playoffs because everyone's talking about the Rockets, everyone's talking about the Raptors, and I don't believe in either of those teams until they actually win a big game, and neither of them are going to do it.

James Harden is in such bad shape that he will get winded and struggle if a playoff series goes deep

James Harden's in such bad shape that if a series goes six or seven games, he's going to be winded and he's going to go like one for 20 again like he did last year.

The Warriors know James Harden is mentally soft and will grind him down in a seven-game series

I have a feeling the Warriors know that James Harden is, dare I say, mentally soft and that they can get to him. And in a seven-game series, they are going to be able to grind him down and beat the Rockets.

The 2018 Cavaliers have the least margin for error of any LeBron James team

I would say this year's Cavaliers have the least margin for error of any of [LeBron's] Cavaliers teams since he came back. And, you know, if Kevin Love gets hurt again somehow during this playoff run or if something bad happens like that to that team, there's no soft landing.

The Pacers will be a much harder first-round challenge for Cleveland than people think

Right now, as we have this conversation, the Pacers are matched up against the Cavaliers. I think that series is actually going to be harder for Cleveland than other people might think. The Pacers are legit tough this year.

The Washington Capitals will sweep the Columbus Blue Jackets

John Tortorella is a world-class piece of shit, and I love watching him get beat. I'm predicting a sweep in the first round.

Journalists should be allowed to punch each other because of 'freedom of the press'

There's a little thing out there called freedom of the press, which means that journalists are allowed to do whatever they want... and say whatever they want, and you can't do anything about it. So they arrested this guy for just being a reporter.

Dating a man named Tristan, Tyler, or Travis is asking to get cheated on

This is what happens when you date a guy named Tristan. You're kind of asking for it. Double T. Tristan, Tyler, or Travis, if you date any one of those three, and Tyler can be a boy or a girl, you're asking to get cheated on. Trev and Trav are definitely guys who are just guys being dudes. And what do guys being dudes do? They get horny.

Mark McGwire's claim that he didn't need PEDs for 70 home runs is ridiculous

Mark McGwire has come out out of nowhere and said that he didn't need PEDs to hit 70 home runs. He could have done it without him. All I got from this is Mark McGwire did PEDs. Sammy Sosa now was the home run king in 1998 with 66 home runs. It is hilarious to look at a picture of Mark McGwire on the A's and then look at a picture of Mark McGwire on the Cardinals.

A man is most masculine and extra horny when he is asleep

I think technically when a man is asleep, he's the most masculine he can be. So that's like, it gets extra horny. I feel like that's exactly what happens. I think that's just science.

Golf needs an asshole like Patrick Reed

I love Patrick Reed. I do love this man. He is a basic bitch. He's a man baby. On the golf course. He's a man baby. He's amazing. Yes, he's an asshole, but golf needs an asshole.