Takes

John Gruden to Tennessee is happening because his skin tone matches the school's colors

John Gruden's face is the perfect match for the Feng Shui of Knoxville... I'm feeling the groomers more than I ever have felt the groomers. I'm feeling them in my plums.

Viruses might actually be aliens from a meteorite

Viruses might be aliens. They might have crashed on a meteorite. No, you know why? Because viruses don't have all the facts of life. Like, life needs to reproduce. Viruses replicate. They replicate, but not like other cells. So, it would make sense that they evolved on a different planet.

Colin Kaepernick and Arian Foster struggle because they are vegans

Kaepernick is a vegan, how can you, like, look at all the vegans, look at Arian Foster. He's out of the NFL now because he's a vegan. [Arian Foster's hamstring fell off] because he's a vegan.

Asparagus is poison and green vegetables are generally bad for you

Asparagus is poison. Green vegetables are poison... It's the worst vegetable. Like asparagus is disgusting. And then you eat it and your body's like, yo, dude, just a reminder what you just ate. That was really disgusting. Here's some disgusting piss.

Millennials are ruining football because their brittle bones are not breastfed long enough

It's millennials that are ruining football, but with their brittle little bones, they're not breastfed until a proper age, and so they all get hurt.

Losing the Super Bowl is better than winning because you avoid the Super Bowl winner hangover

You know what my favorite take of the week might have been? It was one of the Boston sports guys. They said that it's almost better to lose the Super Bowl because you don't get a Super Bowl hangover if you lose it. And so it didn't really work out that way this weekend.

Any NBA coach who picks up their landline desk phone is a bad coach

I would fire Jason Kidd if I were the Bucks... what coach is at their desk just picking up their phone? Their landline. If you're an NBA coach and you've picked up your landline in the last 10 years, you're a bad coach.

Barstool Van Talk is already the best show on ESPN

I said to my man, I said, this is the best show on ESPN already. SVP is room for improvement. There's a lot of room for improvement. Keep it fucking real, Big Cat... No one wants to see any fucking highlights from a motherfucker in a suit at 11:30 at night.

The Giants are probably better without Odell Beckham Jr.

Should we just embrace debate right now? Are the Giants better without Odell Beckham? Hmm. Probably.

Instant replay should be abolished in sports

I think we should actually get rid of instant replay. All together, just give it all the power back to the refs and the umps... I feel like I watch instant replays more than I watch sports now.

The MLB playoffs are rigged for big markets

The final four cities represented in baseball, New York, L.A., Chicago, Houston. Those are the four biggest cities in America. The four biggest markets... Bud Selig at it again.

Cam Newton stinks again

Cam Newton stinks again. Well, that's not entirely true. Okay. He kind of stinks. He likes to go up and down. I feel like when Cam, when everyone's like, ooh, Cam's putting it all together. He's like, hey, guys, watch this. Hey, hold my avocado. Watch this. Because he's a millennial. He's going to fucking just throw three interceptions and look like trash.

Umpires are more likely to be lenient with Trevor Bauer because he supports Donald Trump

I think he would be more likely to be a successful pitcher as a Trump supporter because I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most umpires are probably Trump supporters. Blue Lives Matter. That's what they call umpires... I feel like Country Joe [West] might be pulling the lever for Trump... umpires would be more likely to be lenient with a Trump-supporting pitcher.

Whataburger's actual burgers are trash

Whataburger is trash... Whenever you talk about a burger joint, you're talking about the burger. You can't say you've got to try Whataburger, but the chicken's really good. I know this great rib joint, but you've got to try the salmon.

LeBron James should play for the US Men's Soccer team

LeBron actually should play for us. If you were to take the best NFL athletes... could the Chiefs qualify for the World Cup under the instruction of Andy Reid?

Theo Epstein's Cubs strategy includes installing black mold in the visitor's clubhouse

If you know anything about Theo Epstein, his plan is to draft impact bats, find pitchers in the free agent market, and install black mold in the visitor's clubhouse.

The 'Golden Age' of podcasts is over now that people are making wedding planning podcasts

The couple that met because one was a fan of his podcast and then they're getting married and they're creating a podcast together about going through the wedding planning. That right there is like if you could think of the most stereotypical podcast podcast. It is over, boys. It is all done.

Mark Sanchez running into someone's butt is the only thing that can heal the world right now

We need Mark Sanchez to run into someone's butt. That's the only thing that can bring this world back together. ... run the butt fumble play every single down until it happens.

The Chargers won the Eli Manning-Philip Rivers trade once and for all

Odell Beckham, more like 0-5, Odell Beckham. The Giants remain winless, and the Chargers win the Eli Manning-Philip Rivers trade once and for all.

Andrew Luck is not a Super Bowl winning quarterback because he orders chicken at steakhouses

I asked what Andrew Luck's order was [at St. Elmo's], and they said he usually gets chicken. So that's been my big red flag. My one red flag is he orders chicken at a steakhouse. That's not a Super Bowl-winning quarterback.

The early 2000s Miami Hurricanes defense could have beaten NFL teams

I agree. I mean, it was some, we could have beat some NFL teams, absolutely. [Could you have taken the Browns?] Absolutely.

Dirk Koetter is a trash head coach

I think I officially am saying Dirk Koetter's trash. And I'm basing this off one game that I watched. It was a primetime game... Dirk Koetter, you are in the trash pile.

Kareem Hunt is a fantasy football sleeper

He's a rookie, but I'm finally going to pick him up on my waiver wire. I'm talking about Kareem Hunt. He's my sleeper of the week.

Cam Newton only alienates male teammates, therefore he cannot be sexist

All Cam Newton really had to do, if we're being honest, is just be like, hey, if I'm so sexist, how come I only alienate my male teammates? How come I refuse to dive on balls when men are there? I cross to the other side of the street when I see men on a loose ball.

High school is useless and you don't learn anything you use as an adult

I'm kind of in agreement with [LaVar Ball] because who needs high school? Name one thing that you learned in high school that you used today. That's what I thought. No. You don't learn shit in high school.

The Titans signing Brandon Weeden creates a quarterback controversy in Tennessee

I have Marcus Mariota. So speaking of letting a bull into a China shop, the Titans signed Brandon Weeden. So that is a QB controversy in the waiting. I love it.

Sean McVay is winning with Jeff Fisher's players and Jeff Fisher didn't get enough credit for developing them

McVay is winning with Jeff Fisher's players. That's the thing. It's a bad situation because obviously Jeff didn't get enough chances to develop his guys. And so somebody else comes in and they take advantage of it.

Alabama's second string could win the SEC

Alabama debates are back... could Alabama's second team win the SEC? Because they're deep. Real deep... the Hawaiian quarterback [Tua Tagovailoa], the second string, it would be unbelievable.

OJ Simpson could redeem his public image by murdering Bill Cosby

If OJ wants to, if he really wants to be a success in America again, go kill Bill Cosby. So if OJ just straight up murdered Bill Cosby, I think you'd see a lot of people forgive him. Forgive and forget.

LeBron James moving to the Lakers is just him copying my move to LA

I love Ohio. A lot of people say that. But when LeBron leaves Ohio for L.A., he's going to be copying me. I'm just getting out ahead of it a little bit. I'm the first person to ever move from the Midwest to Los Angeles for career opportunities.

AAU coaches are the real victims in the NCAA scandal because players force them to profit off their likeness

The players are the ones who are victimizing the AAU coaches by putting them in a position to profit off of the players.

NFL ratings are down because players aren't sleeping with Kardashians anymore

Do you think that's why NBA ratings are up and NFL is down because none of the NFL players are sleeping with the Kardashians?

Michael Beasley knows too much and is officially 'too woke'

Michael Beasley, I'm following him officially in the category of knows too much... We finally figured out 12% is the point where you reach too woke.

Derrick Rose and Dwyane Wade will turn into a pile of dust if they collide in practice

I would say, man, I'm really looking forward to those practices where Derrick Rose and Dwyane Wade just, like, accidentally run into each other and turn into a pile of dust.

Sam Darnold isn't actually good, he just throws 'good looking' interceptions

I also have a theory that I'm working on that Sam Darnold's not actually good, but his interceptions look good. So even when he makes a bad play, you're like, this guy's good.

I would definitely win a 3-on-1 fight against Siciliano, Rapoport, and Schefter

Take me down? Or, like, what do you mean? Murder you. Yeah... No. Absolutely not. I don't know what he's smoking... I am being cocky. I would still kill him.

You are a fake fan if you don't watch Thursday Night Football because of a 'bad' matchup

If you're the kind of fan that doesn't watch Thursday Night Football because you've got work tomorrow morning or it's between two of the worst teams of the past 25 years or some other excuse like that, guess what? You're a fake fan. Fake. Fraud. Shame.

Kirk Cousins owes Sean McVay and Kyle Shanahan half his salary for making him look adequate

Honestly, Kirk Cousins owes both of those coaches probably half of his salary. That's how you knew both of those coaches were good is that they were able to make Kirk look adequate at times.

Aaron Hernandez's CTE was probably caused by smoking weed, not football

When you say he has CTE and everyone says, well, because he played football... He smoked a lot of weed... Chronic. What does the C stand for in CTE? Chronic. Chronic. If you look up the symptoms of CTE, it's forgetfulness, probably inappropriate laughter... paranoia. I mean, I'm just connecting the dots here.

Listening to Tim Tebow speak for years is enough to fuck up a guy's brain

What about the fact that he [Hernandez] had to listen to Tim Tebow speak for like a couple years? That's got to fuck up a guy's brain, let's just say. Maybe start figuring out where this could come from, and we'll buy into this whole CTE stuff that you're selling us.

Tom Brady never dated Ivanka Trump because her vagina is too acidic for his diet

The female vagina, the pH levels of it, 3.5 to 4.5. It's acidic like a tomato. No chance Tom Brady eats it. Like a glass of orange juice. No chance. Inflammation city if you touch that thing. Ass, I didn't know, so I checked ass. Ass is actually more pH neutral. So he could have eaten her ass.

I am firmly anti-Tony Romo as a broadcaster because he provides too many spoilers

I'm fucking sick of everyone saying how great Tony Romo is... It's impressive that he calls plays, but I don't really want to know what's coming. It's a spoiler. He's literally doing in real time spoilers right in my face. And everyone's like, Tony Romo, such a breath of fresh air. I am firmly in the anti-Tony Romo until people just cool down a little about it.

Cheating on your wife shouldn't count as cheating if you are under 5'5"

If you're under 5'5", I don't think it's cheating. Yeah, you're fulfilling your natural destiny at that point. You're just shocked that a woman pays attention to you.

StatCast is a complete hoax and is likely just one guy making up numbers

StatCast is the fakest, fraudest thing ever... Every fucking time, it's just like a ball's hit hard. Oh, it was 119 exit velocity with an angle of 47... It's literally a guy—sitting somewhere probably in like Arizona it's Nate Silver... he's just watching games he's like okay that looked like a hard hit ball 108 miles an hour.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is acceptable because 'pipes are pipes'

A hole is a hole. We all agree with that, right? ... I think you mean pipes are pipes. ... I don't think I did anything wrong. ... [PFT tells story of pissing in the kitchen sink].

Fantasy owners should be able to suspend their own players from real-life games

As a fantasy football owner, if I owned Odell Beckham, I think that it should be within my right to actually suspend him. From real games. If a high enough percentage of Odell Beckham Jr.'s fantasy football owners are mad at him for doing something, then let's say above 65%.

The Saints should clean house and move on from Sean Payton and Drew Brees

The Saints need to just clean house, I think. I think it's time. You know what I mean? It's enough watching Drew Brees and Sean Payton be 7-9 and keep thinking, hey, why isn't Drew Brees thrown into Marcus Colson more? That's what I think every single game that I watch the Saints. I'm like, just move on. It's over.

Kesha's new album is the greatest album ever created

So I don't know if you guys have listened. Her [Kesha's] album came out last month, but I just caught wind of it. It is probably the greatest album that has ever been created.

The New England Patriots are dead

The New England Patriots are dead. Actually, they're still going to win the division, but it's times like this I thank my lucky stars I'm not a New England Patriots fan.

Thin Andy Reid might be better than Bill Belichick

Thin Andy Reid—maybe all the fat was the dumb stuff that made him call timeouts at inopportune times. Thin Andy Reid might be better than Bill Belichick. Two and one. The Chiefs are two and one under Andy Reid against the Patriots.