Takes

Millennials have ruined the tradition of cheating in baseball

Millennials have ruined cheating in baseball. That's what I'm taking out of the story.

Les Miles is coming for Magic Johnson's title as the most obvious tweeter on the internet

Magic, you're on the hot seat. If Les [Miles] starts figuring out how to predict MVPs and stuff, Magic might be out of a job.

The band Toto is responsible for more deaths than Hitler because of their songs about rain

It's those assholes from that band Toto when they blessed the rains over there. They just turned all the rains in Africa into hurricanes. Toto the band is responsible for killing more people than Hitler.

Men should cover up their legs and never wear shorts

Hot take. The once and future king of Mount Rushmore season, shorts. Cool take. I kind of hate shorts. I think men should cover up their legs.

Alabama would have lost by 40 points to Texas in 2010 if Colt McCoy didn't get hurt

I think we would have lost by at least 40. It's in large part, too, because if you guys have been to the Rose Bowl in January, it's that humidity. It's the humidity in the air that gets you, and I'm just not sure we were conditioned well enough to hang if Colt didn't get hurt.

Incest should be legal if the people involved are attractive enough

There should be a rule against making incest illegal if you're hot enough... every time that you see purebred dog, guess what? That dog's got a shitload of incest in its lineage. If you're above like a nine... you should be allowed to commit incest because those are good genes you got going on.

I will not vote for Sam Darnold for the Heisman if USC changes the name of their horse Traveler

I will not vote for [Sam] Darnold if they change the name of that horse... I got to vote. If they mess around with my horse, I'm off him. I won't vote.

Brock Osweiler being benched is a win because it keeps him off the Browns jersey of failure

His name is not going to be on that Browns jersey that has the list of every single quarterback that they've had for the last 20 years. Because once your name goes up there, it's up there forever... And Osweiler would be like the perfect punchline on that thing.

It is only socially acceptable to burn LeBron James' jersey

Any player that is a traitor to the town that he was born in and then leaves twice. That's fair. So LeBron James. It is now socially acceptable only to burn LeBron James' jersey.

The sport of boxing will implode if Conor McGregor beats Floyd Mayweather

The sport is going to implode if Conor McGregor beats maybe the best pound-for-pound fighter of all time. So you're saying maybe it's time for the panic button for the sport of boxing.

Anyone who isn't 'Team Russillo' is on the wrong side of history

This is a heavy one, but you don't want to be on the wrong side of history. So if you're not Team Russillo, you're going to be on – history will not look fondly upon you.

Major League Baseball should arm umpires with tasers to defend themselves against players.

What if we just gave tasers to umps? Oh my god. Yes, let's arm umpires. Yes. I'm 100% on board with arming umpires. ... We need to start arming them so they can defend themselves.

Oatmeal raisin is a trash-ass cookie

Because that's a trash-ass cookie. That's a trash ass cookie. Oatmeal raisin is not a Mount Rushmore cookies cookie.

The 2017 solar eclipse is a shadow designed by scientists to get us excited about space

I think it's Something that's designed by scientists to get us excited about space, but it's actually pretty lame Well, you know what the in eclipse is it's a fucking shadow. Yeah, we're excited about a shadow.

Big Ben is a hypochondriac who spends his time searching WebMD

I think it's time that we officially diagnosed Big Ben as being a hypochondriac. Big Ben, when he's not on the practice field studying the playbook, he's at home searching WebMD.

Coach K used his knee surgery as an alibi to recruit Marvin Bagley

Coach K went into surgery on Friday, and then boom, on Monday, the best recruit says, I'm going to Duke. Now, he went in surgery at Duke's hospitals, so is there a chance he just didn't go to the surgery, and that's the greatest alibi ever, and he was on a private jet greasing the wheels... for Bagley?

The wind in Chicago will help Roberto Aguayo's accuracy by pushing the ball back to the uprights

He's so wildly inaccurate that the wind is actually going to push his balls back towards the uprights.

The Patriots would be viewed as frauds if not for the coaching collapses of Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, and Andy Reid

A 30 for 30 about how everybody would look at the New England Patriots as being the biggest chokers of all time if it weren't for the three biggest Super Bowl collapse coaching jobs with Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, and Andy Reid forgetting how clocks work. If it wasn't for those three, then everybody would say, I think the word we'd be using with the Patriots wouldn't be dynasty. It would be fraud.

Bryce Harper injured himself because he was too focused on adjusting his hair for the cameras

The real culprit in this situation, I don't know if you saw, but as he was stepping on the base, Bryce Harper was more concerned with adjusting his hair. The hair flopped out, and he put his hand up there to try to straighten his hair out, look good for the cameras. Guess what? You should have been paying attention to your knee.

McGregor will pay goons to bet on Mayweather so he can lose the fight and still get paid

I think that McGregor is sending out a bunch of his goons to every single casino, putting money on Floyd Mayweather to win in the first round, and then he's going to come out and just shoot him, take him down, do like a double leg, beat the shit out of him, and then lose the fight, but he still gets paid like a few million dollars for winning.

Any amount of weed up to 50 pounds should be considered personal use for Zach Randolph

I think any good lawyer will be able to get him off because there's no amount of weed that's too much for Zach Randolph to have as personal use. ... You could have like 20, I'm going to say 20 to 50 pounds of marijuana, and that should have qualified under personal use for the two of those guys.

The sun is cold because space is cold

If you got a rocket ship and you took it into outer space and you stuck your finger out the window, your finger would freeze because space is cold. So if the sun's hot, how come space is cold?

Tim Tebow literally cured autism by shaking a fan's hand

No, he cured autism. ... Well, he went up and shook the guy's hand, and then he went up and hit a home run. ... so he cured autism, so it's okay to vaccinate your kids.

Coach K uses surgery as an excuse to take a break when his team is struggling

Coach K. He just gets a surgery every fucking day. ... Usually when his team's like, oh, maybe the number one recruiting class isn't so good. ... he's had every part operated on, so he doesn't really have any other excuses.

Alabama football would be terrible if it had higher SAT requirements

Josh Rosen... said that if you raise the SAT score requirement to get into Alabama, they'd have a shitty football team. So he's calling the entire state of Alabama dumb, basically... why would anybody want to go to school in Alabama if they had to be smart to go there?

The moon controls both the oceans and human periods

The moon controls all the earth's oceans and periods so it's just kind of it just controls all the liquids in everyone's bodies that's why sometimes when guys look at the moon they start coming. It's just gravity pulling it out of her balls.

The sun is scientifically cold because space is cold

Where do you land, by the way, on our theory that the sun is, in fact, cold? I'm a fan of the space that just seems to shut everybody down. Space is cold and everyone just... When you said you were willing to hear it out, I was just going to say space is cold. That's it.

Colin Kaepernick should change his name to 'Cody' to get signed by an NFL team

I think step one, we say this to a lot of quarterbacks, change your name. Change the first name. Give me a good, solid American name like Cody. Cody Kaepernick. That screams rodeo cowboy.

Butts are on the Hot Seat because boobs are back in style

My hot seat is butts. Big hot seat because New York Post... they just wrote a trend piece about how boobs are back. So going to put butts square on the hot seat. Guess what? You thought it was cool to have a big butt? Everyone that went out there and got butt implants, you might want to see if those go two ways and you can just move them up to your chest.

Space is cold, therefore the sun is actually cold

Why is space cold if the sun is hot? We think the sun is cold. Outer space is black, but it's cold. So shouldn't outer space be really, really hot? [The sun] is not [hot]. Have you ever looked the sun directly in the eyes? Never have. Right. So does it even exist?

Michael Jordan would amputate his own leg just to win a game against LaVar Ball

Michael Jordan is also so competitive that if LaVar responds to him, he might get his leg amputated just to play one game of basketball and beat him.

LeBron James is dead and Steph Curry murdered him

LeBron James is dead. D-E-D. Dead. Steph Curry murdered him. Kyrie backstabbed him, went behind his back. Very Shakespearean, this whole thing.

I would bet on Stephen A. Smith in a fight against LeBron James

I would put money on Stephen A. Smith in a fight against LeBron James.

Mitchell Trubisky will win at least five Super Bowls

Kian, tell me, as a Bears fan, that Mitch Trubisky is going to be a franchise quarterback and probably win no less than five Super Bowls.

Mike Vick's dog training experience will help him as an NFL coaching intern

There are actually probably some lessons from [Mike Vick's] dog training days that he could directly apply to training athletes. He's going to keep his young quarterbacks on a short leash until they're trustworthy.

Watching football is more dangerous than playing football because of binge drinking

I would even submit that watching football is more dangerous than playing football because when you're watching football, you're binge drinking. You're around buddies. You're more likely to get into a fight. You're more likely to puke, pee on yourself. You get all sorts of diseases from that.

Prisons are dangerous because inmates aren't allowed to masturbate

That's why our prisons are so dangerous, because there's a bunch of guys that can't crank it. They just got testosterone going out their eyeballs.

The sun is actually cold and is a big fraud

2017 is the year that we found out that the sun was a big fucking phony. The sun is not hot, and if you want any more proof, space is cold. How come it gets cold at the top of Mount Everest? ... Because there's hot magma underneath the earth as far away from the sun as possible.

Mike Gundy's mullet should be considered an NCAA recruiting violation

I actually threw out the idea that [Mike Gundy's] mullet might now become a recruiting violation because who wouldn't want to play for him?

Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods in golf right now

The real question is it sounds like Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods now.

Pregnancy is controlled by a woman's mind and Plan B is usually a placebo

Plan B, to my understanding, is actually more often than not a placebo... it tricks the woman's body into thinking that actually she's not pregnant because pregnancy is controlled ultimately by your mind. Only mentally weak women will get pregnant.

Lonzo Ball playing well in Summer League means the Showtime Lakers are back

The Lakers are back. Oh! The Lake Show is back. So Lonzo Ball's been playing pretty well in the Summer League, and so that can only mean one thing, and that's the Showtime Lakers are back.

Tennis is the only sport where crying is acceptable and mandatory

I think that if there's one sport where crying is acceptable, if not mandatory, it's tennis. In fact, if Federer had wept... You have to cry in tennis. Then he's the classiest gentleman of all time to play the game.

Floyd Mayweather plays up his illiteracy to have an excuse for tax issues

I have kind of a stay woke actually on Mayweather. I think that Mayweather isn't actually illiterate but he likes to play it up because that way he has an excuse when he doesn't fill his taxes out correctly.

Owning a dog and having a child are essentially the same thing

Owning a dog and a kid, same thing. Yeah, for example, sometimes my dog, he sleeps in really, really late, and I have to wake him up to take him outside to use the restroom. ... Stella's taken care of all day [by a walker], just like your baby.

Wearing a dry-fit jockstrap while golfing will change your life

I'm going to give you three things that will change your life. Number one, jockstrap while golfing. ... Number two, Gold Bond powder. ... Number three, baby wipes. If you do those three things, I guarantee your life will be better. Calvin Klein makes these dry-fit jock straps that are like silk. It's like sleeping naked in silk sheets.

Painting your dog is fucked up and the dogs feel embarrassment

I think painting dogs is really fucked up. I think the dogs know. Dogs can feel embarrassment. They can. I'm standing pretty hard on this one.

I am firmly on Team Paint Your Dogs

I am firmly on team paint your dogs. Dogs don't see color, by the way.

Aaron Judge's height will eventually drive him toward playing football

With Aaron Judge, the thing about him is he could be the face of baseball. His problem is he's too tall. I'll tell you why. He is a guy that once he starts having a lot of success in a sport that's maybe not as athletic as some other sports, people will be like, why didn't you play football? And then he'll start talking about football. All roads lead back to football.

The Marlins fake their attendance numbers using Wi-Fi logins

I bet the Marlins do their attendance based on how many people log into the Wi-Fi every night. It kept on kicking us out like every 10 minutes, and then it would just come right back on. I bet the Marlins count it as like 50 people... every single person counts for like 15.