Takes

Groundskeeper 'The Freeze' should be an all-time pinch runner in the All-Star Game

The freeze is hot, right? Hilarious... So pinch runner, all-time runner, the freeze. So he just stands behind the catcher, and as soon as the ball's in play, he's running.

We should have portable gyms in trucks so people can work out during their commute

We need to have portable gyms. So instead of your commute, you get in the back of a truck and you work out while you're commuting to your job. No one likes to commute. No one likes to go to the gym. Get them both out of the way at once.

Serena Williams isn't the best athlete ever if she won't play Wimbledon while 9 months pregnant

I am upset, though, that Serena's not playing because she's pregnant. So I guess she can play when she's just like three months pregnant, but she can't play when she's nine. Fully pregnant. Not the best athlete of all time. With child. I can think of 700 male tennis players that would be fine playing when their wives were pregnant.

Thomas Jefferson forged signatures on the Declaration of Independence to look cool

I'm a big 7-4 truther because I don't think that all these guys actually signed the Declaration of Independence because only a few people could actually write back then. And all the handwriting looks very similar to me. I'm thinking that a lot of the signatures were actually forged by Thomas Jefferson just so that it would look like he had a bunch of people that supported his cause so he'd look cool.

Blake Griffin is funny for a basketball player, but he's not a better podcast guest than me

I'll tell Blake to his face, you're funny for a basketball player, but you're not a better guest than me... I'll tell Blake to his face, you're funny for a basketball player, but you're not a better guest than me.

NASA is creating neon clouds to distract Donald Trump and maintain their funding

The fake nerds at NASA are just doing anything that they can to stay in front of Donald Trump, like distracting him like a laser pointer on the wall that says NASA so they can keep getting funding. They're back on their bullshit. They're making fake colored clouds. Shooting rockets up and just shooting out neon colored clouds.

Serena Williams could beat Roger Federer

I'm going to say it. I think Serena could beat Roger Federer. Ooh, okay. I'm actually going to be the first person to say that, so come at me.

I can beat a 54-year-old Michael Jordan one-on-one

I mean, I always think of somebody who's a lot older than me. In the 50s, I have a pretty good shot of winning. ... No, I was just saying that because he's pretty older now. I think I have a pretty good shot at it.

I have better shooting range than Steph Curry

My confidence is in the all-time high, so I'm always going to think I have a better range, even though I don't. ... [I've] got better [range]. Period.

John Calipari intentionally finishes in the Final Four instead of winning titles to avoid NCAA sanctions

Calipari, yeah, he's crooked. He's rigged. But guess what? He's not drawing all that attention to himself by flaunting his rings. He's staying right behind. He's got his rabbit pace car that he's chasing. And he's fine. That's how he gets away with it. That's why he's slick Cal.

Brooklyn artisanal craft bourbon is better than Kentucky bourbon

Your bourbon is second best in America to Brooklyn artisanal craft bourbon. ... Brooklyn is where you find the best bourbon in America. ... Japanese whiskey, however, is better than both Brooklyn and Kentucky.

Diversify your investment by buying scratch tickets in multiple states to become a millionaire

On a road trip, little pro tip, you buy scratch tickets or lotto tickets at every single stop in multiple different states. It's called diversifying your investment. And you will then become a millionaire.

Kentucky is a football school now

Mark Stoops, we talked to him about Kentucky's a football school now. We decided.

Lauri Markkanen is 'Baby Dirk'

Here's my only Lauri Markkanen spin zone that I'm going to try to sell myself on. I think I'm just going to call him Baby Dirk. And just hope he grows into it. He's a white European dude. I'm just going to call him Baby Dirk and hope everyone's just like, hey, maybe he's Baby Dirk.

Taking acid is dangerous; freshmen should stick to binge drinking

But I'm just going to say, for the record, taking acid is very dangerous. Stick to safe things, like binge drinking your freshman year.

Cody Bellinger is definitely on steroids

Cody Bellinger, Los Angeles Dodgers phenom. He just hit his 21st home run of the season... I think if he stays on this pace, he's going to hit like 58 home runs or something, huh? ... That's kind of what Cody's doing with steroids. Because you're not allowed to use them at all. They test you all the time.

Jim 'Bones' Mackay was Phil Mickelson's personal bookie

Phil Mickelson and his caddy, Bones... they are splitting up. I mean, we all know why, right? Two reasons. One, Phil didn't go to the U.S. Open... and two, Bones was probably Phil's bookie, and Phil probably can't gamble anymore.

Brooks Koepka is too attractive to win a major tournament

[Brooks Koepka] is way too attractive to win any kind of major tournament. Usually you need a receding hairline, some Phil Mickelson man boobs, some Tiger Woods inner demons. Give me one flaw that I can make fun of you for on Twitter and make me feel better as a person.

NBA prospects suck until they actually prove it in the league

I'm of the mindset that the best players in the world are currently in the NBA, and if you're not in the NBA yet, then you suck. I don't see anybody competing against the superstars for the next five to ten years. I haven't seen [Markelle Fultz] play, so he must suck.

Mike Brady is a beta male for raising kids that aren't his

Mike Brady [is] raising somebody else's kids. He's got to pay for all their education and their trips to Disney World. Those weren't even his kids. He's not a real man. He's a beta male. He's stuck paying for an alpha male's problem.

Tim Tebow just needs to have sex to fix his baseball issues

Tim Tebow just needs to have sex. It's gotten to that point, Tim. That's too much aggression. I mean, a bat going into the first five rows, that happens. A bat going into the second deck. That's a guy who needs to have some sex. Just come once.

Apple purposefully sells iPhone chargers that break so you have to buy more

My number one [minor inconvenience] is buying iPhone chargers from, like, a gas station, and then when you plug them in, they just don't work... [Steve Jobs] basically has made a charger that cannot be duplicated... They have chargers that you can charge your iPhone once and it's just charged forever. They just won't sell them to us.

We should bring back shoplifting until credit card machines are streamlined

I'm going to bring back shoplifting. Just stealing from gas stations. Until they figure themselves out. I don't want to wait in line to pay for something. Martial law.

Every season is ass-eating season

It never goes out of season. Well, maybe like the dog days or something. August is not for asses. Asses are like Europe. They just take August off.

Kevin Durant lost his man card for spitting out a beer while celebrating

All the money in the world, all the championships in the world, they can't buy you back your man card. So he was in the locker room afterwards celebrating, took a sip of beer, and just spit it out all over himself.

Mitch Trubisky should start early because the Tim Tebow model worked for John Fox

John Fox... just said he wants to start getting Mitch Trubisky as much experience as possible, as early as possible... because it worked really well when he got Tebow. All that experience right away.

Dennis Rodman is the greatest American diplomat in history

Dennis Rodman... has proven that he is the greatest American diplomat in history... He just went to North Korea. But he freed that hostage that was over there.

The Warriors would have been a better team if they never added Kevin Durant

The concern I had with the Warriors... they kept their top three players, but other than that, they made major moves. They got rid of rim protection... for a guy that I thought was redundant... throughout the regular season, it was looking correct. Now, in the playoffs, it looks idiotic, and I got to own that.

Eddie Lacy is purposely sucking while in shape to prove he was better when he was fat

What's to say Eddie Lacy meets all his goals, gets in shape, and then purposely sucks? So everyone's like, wait, he was better when he was fat.

The U.S. government should use being a hockey fan as an interrogation technique for terrorists

The United States government should make one of their new enhanced interrogation techniques for terrorists. Just make the terrorists become a hockey fan. Watch three overtimes. And then have to watch playoff games until their team loses in the Stanley Cup Finals.

LeBron James's legacy is intact only because the Cavaliers avoided a sweep

The two other stories we had, one is because the Cavs didn't get swept, LeBron's legacy is intact. It's a lot of legacy talk. If you get swept, the legacy is out.

Celebrating a tie in soccer is un-American and makes me want to puke

The amount of celebration over a tie makes me want to puke... Very un-American. We play to win the game. That's why we've won every war we've ever been in. That's America.

You cannot be the GOAT of tennis if your specialty is clay

I don't think that you can be GOAT if your specialty is the clay. It's like basically Steph Curry using the three-point shot as his crutch. If we want to get into it, really the goat should just be the best player on grass.

Jeff Van Gundy is white-knighting for Khloe Kardashian because he has a thing for her

But what it sounded like, it sounded like Jeff has a little thing for Khloe... So he's white knighting, really. He's trying to fuck Khloe.

The Warriors are a better team without Riley Curry

By the way, Riley Curry, where has she been this postseason? Hasn't been facing the music. Is it a little false flag? Are the Warriors a better team without Riley Curry?

Sidney Crosby is the biggest thug in hockey

Is Sidney Crosby the biggest thug in hockey? He did two things tonight... He dribbled P.K. Subban's face off the ice like it was Deron Williams just dribbling out of bounds... And he threw a water bottle onto the ice during play. Wow. Dangerous.

Buying a trampoline for your kids is like buying a gun range for your family

Buying a trampoline for your kids is a terrible, terrible, terrible idea. I can't stress... it's like buying a dizzy bat race slash gun range for your family. That's how bad it's going to be. Everyone's going to get hurt.

The ultimate parenting life hack is buying a trampoline for your neighbor's kids

Here's really what the life hack is right here. Buy your neighbor a trampoline for his kids... He can fucking assemble it. He can hurt his grass. And now your kid is not around anymore. Just tramp cuck him.

The Cleveland Cavaliers have the worst hair of any team in NBA history

It just occurred to me, the Cavaliers are probably the NBA team with the worst hair of all time, and they're matched up against the team [Warriors] with the worst facial hair of all time.

The NHL needs another Sidney Crosby concussion to get back into the limelight

I'll tell you what we need. We need a Sidney Crosby concussion. That always gets the NHL into the limelight. Just another one of those. Even if he's not concussed, just say, yeah, he's concussed and he's actually going to skate tomorrow.

Morton Andersen is the best soccer player of all time

Morton Andersen, best soccer player of all time. [Because Ronaldo's goals are only worth one point].

Professional sports should allow players to fight one fan per year to keep them in check

Every single sport should allow a player to have one time a year where they can fight a fan. It would keep fans in check. You never know if you're going to be that guy... It's like, and then once you use it, then the fans can really go in on you because it's like, oh, he's already used his this year.

The NBA is now Kevin Durant's league and the torch has been passed from LeBron James

Are you ready for my hot, hot, hot take from Game 1 of the NBA Finals? Hit me. The torch has been passed. It is Kevin Durant's league. Whose man's is the NBA? I said that, yeah. It's Kevin Durant's man's. Passed that off. He said, here you go, KD. It is your league now. Your league.

Every player on the Pittsburgh Penguins is using steroids

The Penguins did their – I think everybody on the Penguins is using steroids. I'm going to put it out there. You know what? I think that's the only explanation. They're really good in game sevens when the other team is always super tired. I'm putting it out there. Cheaters, all of them.

NASA is firing a rocket into the sun to distract the public from the search for aliens

NASA's come out. They're shooting a rocket into the sun. I don't really understand what's going on... NASA's trying to keep us off the aliens. That's pretty clear because if you're sitting in NASA... Find the aliens or fire a Roman candle into the sun, which we know already is really hot.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are the funniest long con in professional sports history

The Jacksonville Jaguars might be the funniest thing to ever occur in professional sports. This has been a long con. We've all been owned... It's like a Wes Anderson movie. It's like you don't really appreciate a Wes Anderson movie. That's what the Jaguars are saying to everyone. You don't look at it the right way.

The Browns hiring Ryan Grigson is a threat to the AFC North

My hot seat is the AFC North. And my reason why is because the Browns hired Ryan Grigson. So watch out... I'm very excited to see how Ryan Grigson can fuck up the Browns even more. It will be interesting. That's a great challenge for that guy.

Duke bullied the refs into calling the 2015 Championship game differently at halftime

That Final Four, that championship game, would you agree with my assessment that Coach K got to the refs at halftime and basically bullied them into calling a completely different second half? Therefore, Wisconsin technically was the national champion.

Guys need big pubic bushes to make their dicks look bigger

Evolutionarily speaking, guys needed big bushes to make their dicks look bigger... Right. I don't know if you've seen a lot of penises recently, but they're not great looking solo. So you need a lot of distractions.

In every pair of twins, there is an alpha and a beta pre-cum twin

You know how when you see twins and you're like, okay, that's the pre-cum twin and that's the real cum twin. You can tell. There's one twin that's always a little bit stronger, better looking, more gregarious. The other one's the pre-cum twin.