Takes

Butts are on the Hot Seat because boobs are back in style

My hot seat is butts. Big hot seat because New York Post... they just wrote a trend piece about how boobs are back. So going to put butts square on the hot seat. Guess what? You thought it was cool to have a big butt? Everyone that went out there and got butt implants, you might want to see if those go two ways and you can just move them up to your chest.

The Bears are back and have solved Kevin White's injury issues by reminding him that he was once good at football

The Bears have another first round pick this year with Kevin White. This is the third year that he's the first round pick. And we're going to be fine because it turns out the Bears... are trying to remind Kevin White he was once good at football. So, problem solved. We're off to a really good start. Bears are back.

Honey Nut Cheerios are the greatest cereal of all time

I've got a great value pick at number two: Honey Nut Cheerios. I think they're the goat. I'm just gonna say that... you forget the bee puts his honey in there for you.

Froot Loops are the superior cereal to Apple Jacks because Apple Jacks taste like pink snot

Apple Jacks and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you can't eat like many, many bowls... they taste like pink snot. It's gross. Fruit Loops are superior Apple Jacks that look exactly the same.

Apple Jacks milk is the best leftover cereal milk on the list

Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Apple Jacks are both not only good cereals, but the milk in the cereal bowl after the cereal's gone is better than any other cereal on the list.

Bryce Harper will eventually sign with the Philadelphia Phillies

If you were to ask me straight up, [Harper goes to] Philadelphia. Philadelphia... Because it's 212 feet to right field, 279 to center, and 175 feet to left. So he's thinking Hall of Fame.

Manny Machado will end up playing for the New York Yankees

I think Machado ends up with the Yankees, and I think Harper goes to Philadelphia.

Bryce Harper will sign with the Cubs because his dog is named Wrigley and he wants to play with Kris Bryant

I think [Harper] is going to come to the Cubs because he wants to play with Kris Bryant. Went to high school with him. His dog's name is Wrigley. Connect those dots.

Being a great clubhouse guy means having no ego and not intimidating teammates

I'll tell you what makes a great locker room guy: immediately when you're hung like the light switch in the off position. Got it. So I think that immediately lowers a lot of stuff... When you care about guys and truly care about them, you want guys to do well.

The Yankees win the World Series if Sonny Gray remains an ace

The Yankees win the World Series if your boy Sonny Gray stays at number one.

The Yankees win the World Series if Masahiro Tanaka maintains his current level of pitching

The Yankees win the World Series if Tanaka throws the ball the way he's been throwing.

The Indians win the World Series if Jason Kipnis and Lonnie Chisenhall return to their top form

The Indians win a World Series if Jason Kipnis and Lonnie Chisenhall return to Chisenhall's first half and Kipnis what he was in 2016.

The Astros win the World Series if Francisco Liriano moves to the bullpen and gets out tough lefties

The Astros win the World Series if Liriano could move to the bullpen and get out tough lefties.

The Nationals win the World Series if Stephen Strasburg stays healthy

The Nats win the World Series if they have Strasburg. Simple. Open and shut.

The Cubs win the World Series if Jake Arrieta returns to his Cy Young form

The Cubs win it all if Jake Arrieta pitches to his Cy Young form, even give me the 16 version of Jake Arrieta. If he steps up and becomes that guy, because they need him as that guy.

The Cubs are a different team when Addison Russell is playing at his full potential

I think the Cubs, they're a different team when Addison Russell is who he should be. So that's a guy who, when he's feeling it and he's hitting the ball the way he should be hitting the ball, he's playing defense how he plays defense, I think their lineup completely changes.

Theo Epstein is smarter than most GMs because he trusts his instincts and asks players for feedback instead of just relying on spreadsheets

He's way smarter than a lot of those guys. Just because you're in this certain job title, there's not a whole lot of instincts going on in some of these places, bro. Theo has a unique gift of knowing boys club, of knowing clubhouse stuff... he goes out and asks players for things. Do you think this guy's good?

Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens definitely belong in the Hall of Fame

Barry Bonds? Yes. I think yes. Roger Clemens? Yes.

Space is cold, therefore the sun is actually cold

Why is space cold if the sun is hot? We think the sun is cold. Outer space is black, but it's cold. So shouldn't outer space be really, really hot? [The sun] is not [hot]. Have you ever looked the sun directly in the eyes? Never have. Right. So does it even exist?

Odell Beckham Jr. is the best wide receiver in the NFL

I'm saying he's the best wide receiver in football. Odell Beckham, is it really the hair that makes him memorable or is it the fact that he's the best wide receiver in football?

Michael Jordan would amputate his own leg just to win a game against LaVar Ball

Michael Jordan is also so competitive that if LaVar responds to him, he might get his leg amputated just to play one game of basketball and beat him.

The Ravens team president is named Dick Gass

I was reading an article about [the Ravens], and I forgot the team president's name is Dick Gass. Dick Cass, but it's Dick Gass.

LeBron James is dead and Steph Curry murdered him

LeBron James is dead. D-E-D. Dead. Steph Curry murdered him. Kyrie backstabbed him, went behind his back. Very Shakespearean, this whole thing.

The NBA offseason is currently better than Game of Thrones

LeBron James, the NBA offseason has now become, I hate to be the guy who's like the offseason is better than the real season, but it's making a run for its money because it's better than Game of Thrones.

LeBron James is definitely the alpha over Steph Curry

You could tell that Steph Curry... practiced that [impression] in front of a mirror a lot. Like, he's so deep into Steph Curry's head. LeBron James is definitely the alpha in this situation.

Steph Curry and Kyrie Irving are on the lamer side of NBA players

Those are two of, like – if you look at, like, the coolness factor of NBA players, [Steph Curry and Kyrie Irving] are definitely on the lamer side, and they are clowning on LeBron.

LeBron James will average 30-10-10 this season

LeBron is going to go on a rampage this year. He's like 30-10-10 for sure. Just mark it down. I mean, this is what happened in the NBA Finals... His numbers are going to keep going up.

LeBron James will lose early in the playoffs and leave Cleveland

He's going to gas himself out, lose in the first or second round of the playoffs, and then leave town.

Jon Jones will easily beat Brock Lesnar if he stays clean

Jon Bones Jones, if he stays clean, he will kick the shit out of Brock Lesnar. I mean, he can fight with anyone. He will beat him up.

I will win the World Series of Poker Main Event again

I still think I'm going to win [the World Series of Poker Main Event] sometime, and I'll tell you why. It has the best structure of any poker tournament we have... you just have a lot of time to work your chips up.

Tobey Maguire is the greatest celebrity poker player in the world

The biggest celebrity winner probably in the world is Tobey Maguire... He's really good. Ben Affleck is an excellent poker player as well, and these guys play in some high-stakes games.

Charles Barkley is a good gambler who just gets unlucky

I played blackjack with [Charles Barkley]. We played high stakes blackjack together recently, and he was playing really good. He was unlucky, I've got to say. He was playing perfectly. And I was playing perfectly, and I think I won $30,000, and he went the other way... but I mean, he was just unlucky.

Colin Kaepernick clearly should be signed by an NFL team

To start the offseason, I thought the Colin Kaepernick storyline was bullshit. But now it's kind of like, all right, he's clearly – someone's just – like, he should be signed. They signed two backup quarterbacks that I had never heard of.

Going through a divorce while your wife is pregnant is a baller move

Congratulations, I will pray for our son. Going through a divorce while your wife is pregnant is a baller move.

Every reporter should Google themselves once a week

If you're a reporter, if you're a journalist, you have to be able to take the heat as well. Every reporter should Google themselves once a week, I would say. Got to make sure your name's out there. Read all the hate possible.

I want to name my son 'Winner'

I want to name my son, my eventual son, Winner. Okay this is along the same lines of naming him coach. It's an alpha name... who's gonna be like no I don't want to have winner on my team.

NFL critics who claim they stopped watching are actually still watching every Sunday

You know my favorite are the people on Twitter that say, I can no longer morally watch football. You are a fucking liar because I know you're fucking watching the Red Zone from 1 o'clock to 7 o'clock every fucking Sunday. You can't stop watching the NFL. You can't. Like it or not, it's here.

Joe Flacco's back injury will actually benefit Danny Woodhead's usage

I think that's just more touches for [Danny] Woodhead. [Joe Flacco's] going to have a great year, and I'm telling you, this is going to be good for Woodhead.

Magnus Ver Magnussen is the second greatest athlete ever behind only Barry Bonds

I don't think there's ever been an athlete that's better at what they do than Magnus [Ver Magnussen], with maybe the exception of Barry Bonds.

Roger Goodell skipping the Patriots season opener is a sign of disrespect that will lead to another title

Probably when [Roger] Goodell doesn't show up to game one. That's going to be a clear sign of disrespect that [the Patriots] are going to have to avenge by going to the Super Bowl and winning another championship.

I would bet on Stephen A. Smith in a fight against LeBron James

I would put money on Stephen A. Smith in a fight against LeBron James.

LeBron James is setting up excuses to leave Cleveland by blaming Kyrie and the front office

This is all setting up. You first have the GM situation. You have Dan Gilbert acting crazy as always. You have Kyrie asking for a trade. LeBron can now leave Cleveland and be like, it's not my fault. It was all on you guys.

Jimmy Garoppolo is essentially Cody Kessler with a better logo

The way I've described him is it's like if you go into a shop and you've got 10 shirts that are exactly the same. It's like buying the one with the Nike logo on it. It's not necessarily a better shirt. It just looks better. [Garoppolo] and Cody Kessler is not a big difference.

Mitchell Trubisky will win at least five Super Bowls

Kian, tell me, as a Bears fan, that Mitch Trubisky is going to be a franchise quarterback and probably win no less than five Super Bowls.

Mitchell Trubisky should start immediately rather than sitting

Normally, you want to sit a rookie quarterback if he needs to fix his footwork or fix his throwing motion... But Trubisky's got good feet. He reacts to pressure well... I would play him so he can learn. He's got good accuracy. He's a good athlete. He's really poised. He can go through reads. And I'd happily take him as a starter.

Brock Osweiler has no idea what he is looking at on the field despite his physical advantages

Brock Osweiler is beautiful because he's like a deer in the pocket where he's just falling over himself. And he's got all that height to see everything, but he has no idea what he's looking at. So he just ends up throwing the ball at defenders all day.

Even in retirement, Jay Cutler is a better quarterback option than Josh McCown

I think I'd take Jay Cutler, even while retired Jay Cutler, because Josh McCown is, much like Ryan Fitzpatrick, he's one of these brilliant players who fits every system... but throws loads of interceptions, runs into every sack, and can't run any system.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL

Well, I think the obvious one is Aaron Rodgers... [His struggles were because] His wide receivers can't catch the ball. Davante Adams can't get open. Jordy Nelson couldn't move because he was coming off an ACL tear.

Tom Brady showed signs of regression in the 2016 playoffs despite winning the Super Bowl

The playoffs last year weren't great. I know they won the Super Bowl, they came back, but in the fourth quarter of that Falcons game, if you go through it, he threw the ball to defenders. On the Edelman catch, if you look at where that ball arrives and where he threw it, it was straight to the defender... That's just lucky.

Philip Rivers had a better career than Tony Romo because he reached an AFC Championship game

Better career, probably Rivers, because he actually got to an AFC Championship game... Rivers is phenomenal at making the players work as designed... Romo was kind of great at playing outside of the system, outside of structure when the pocket broke down.