Takes

The selfie is the new autograph

I don't really do a lot of autographs. I do a lot more pictures. I think I've had more pictures taken by me in the last year than anybody. The selfie is the new autograph.

A mayor is not a first responder, they are a 'fourth responder'

My understanding of what a first responder is, is when you see a disaster or trouble... those guys are going in. [Bloomberg] is not a first responder. He's the fourth responder.

I don't watch the game if the ball is out of the infield because of my bad eyes

I don't sit in bleacher seats. That's what the common people say... I have bad eyes, so I can't see that far. If it's out of the infield, I don't see it. I have to listen to the crowd.

Christian McCaffrey should have won the Heisman Trophy

Last year, Christian McCaffrey, the best football player on planet Earth, he should have won the Heisman, but he didn't get it because he's a Christian and maybe a white male, but mostly because he's Christian.

The SEC is 'bad' this year (2016)

RIP to the SEC, who's bad this year.

LSU does not have a good quarterback and will continue to struggle passing the ball

Turns out LSU doesn't have a good quarterback. Oh, you think? No doy. The 10,000th year that Les Miles has a quarterback that can't throw the ball.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen might be getting a divorce

Like, maybe things aren't going so well in paradise? Maybe the big D word coming down the pike? Like, maybe he doesn't have such close ties with Brazil anymore?

The mosquito is the state bird of Minnesota

State bird here is the mosquito, too. That's the only place you could say that.

If a fantasy league member dies after the draft but before the season starts, their players should go to waivers

I would say if the guy passes away after the draft and before the year starts, his whole team goes on waivers. Yeah, I'd say you do that.

Alabama will lose at least one game due to a brutal road schedule at Tennessee and LSU

The other top three teams in the SEC are LSU, Tennessee, and Ole Miss, and they play each of those three on the road. So it's a brutal schedule for Alabama... I'm going to say the two toughest ones are Tennessee because Tennessee is on the road... and then, of course, the LSU game.

Ohio State will win the Big Ten because they will be experienced by the end of the season

I went with Ohio State. And the reason is when they play their big games... By week 11, they'll be an experienced team. So I think they can win those two games [Michigan and Michigan State] and hence win the Big Ten this year.

The Washington Huskies are the #1 surprise team and a dark horse for the national title

My number one surprise team this year is the Washington Huskies... I've got Washington as my number one surprise team this year.

Iowa has a chance of running the table and going 12-0 again in 2016

I think Iowa's got a chance of going 12-0 again this year... I think they've got a chance of running the table.

Texas will be the most improved team in the country and see a massive win total jump

I have Texas my number one most improved team in the country... I think Texas will show a big change in record and have one of the biggest change in win totals this year.

Florida State will win the 2016 National Championship

As far as the national title this year, I did go with Florida State... I think Florida State can take it all home this year.

This is the year one conference gets two teams into the College Football Playoff

I think this is the year where one conference gets two teams in. Now, that's going to leave two of the Power Five conferences unhappy at the end of the year, but I think this is the year it happens.

Northwestern will hit the over on 6.5 wins

Northwestern, six and a half. I'm going to go with over... I'm going to have to go with over the six and a half.

My top five teams for 2016 are Alabama, Texas A&M, Notre Dame, Michigan, and the winner of Arkansas vs. Ole Miss

The top five in the countdown was Alabama, Texas A&M, Notre Dame, and Michigan... And then I had Arkansas Ole Miss.

The ozone layer is the most overrated thing in the world; without it, everyone would just be tan and good looking

The ozone is the most overrated thing in the world. Yeah, oh, without the ozone, everybody will get really tan and good looking. Oh, man, wouldn't want that.

CBS firing Mike Carey because of internet meanness sets a terrible precedent

But what CBS has done here is it sets a terrible precedent. Yes. Because if you cave into the Internet once, oh, boy, that's a lot of power that you're giving... CBS basically said we can get anyone on their staff fired.

Lions do not eat giraffes

I don't think that lions eat giraffes. No, I don't think so either. Giraffes would just kick the shit out of a lion and strangle them with their necks.

Jay Mariotti is the senior Icelandic correspondent for Pardon My Take

Jay, you will be our senior Iceland correspondent. Done... Jay Mariotti has been named senior Icelandic correspondent for Pardon My Take.

Teddy Bridgewater's injury is actually a positive for Vikings fans because it removes the stress of expectations

I mean, right off the bat, it's kind of nice. You don't have to get your hopes up. It's vacation season for Vikings fans. Like, you know, just relax. Take your shoes up. You don't have to stress yourself out during the games. You get to kind of take it easy.

Vikings fans now have no excuse to miss church on Sundays

Hey, Vikings fans, you don't have an excuse to miss church now. OK, so every Sunday, get your ass in the pew. I know you guys party hard, so you've got a lot of sins to atone for.

A player who suffers a gruesome career-ending injury should have the option to be euthanized on the field

If it's an old fullback, let's say he's like 37, 38 years old, got a lot of miles on the legs. He's about to retire and he lives and breathes for football, breaks his leg gruesomely. I think a player like that would almost rather be euthanized on the field than have to live out the rest of the life.

The Timberwolves will be the savior of Minnesota sports with Tom Thibodeau

The Timberwolves are going to be good. Tom Thibodeau is here to save you, Minnesota. So let's just... Sometimes it's good to just be like, you know what? Cancel this entire season. We're just going to go on to the next one. And guess what? The next one's pretty damn good.

Drinking a Bloody Mary after 3 p.m. should be a punishable offense

I think if you drink a Bloody Mary after 3 p.m., you should probably be arrested or shot or something.

LSU will win the College Football National Championship

On Saturday and the rest of the weekend, I picked LSU to win everything... My final team, and the winner is LSU. I think LSU wins it. You talk about, and you know, everyone's on Alabama. I'm not against Alabama, but if you look at LSU's recruiting classes... these guys are five, six, seven, eight. I mean, there's really, you know, there's not that much difference.

Ohio State will be a playoff team because they remind me of the 1986 Hurricanes

I like Ohio State. They remind me a lot of our 86th University of Miami team, Hurricanes. We had 12 players drafted. Ohio State had 12 players drafted. Everyone thought that we were gloom, doomed the next year, and we came back in 87 and won the national championship.

I am betting on LSU at 8-1 to win the national title

From your advice there, I'm taking LSU 8-1 to win the national title.

LeSean McCoy will have a massive bounce-back year in fantasy football

Take LeSean McCoy and your fantasy team. He was a mess last year. Philly was his home, right? He had all his boys there. Now he goes to Buffalo. I mean, I talked to him several times. I think he's got a new attitude. It's beyond him. Chip Kelly's gone. You know, everything's have changed. I look for him to have a big year.

Rodney Harrison is appropriating white culture by deciding who is 'black enough'

Rodney Harrison said earlier today that he didn't think that Colin Kaepernick was black enough to complain about being discriminated against. As a white guy, Rodney Harrison is frankly appropriating white culture by determining who is and isn't black enough to be discriminated against. That's something that white people have been doing for a very long time. And we do it well.

The Royals' praying mantis should be burned to kill their team's mojo

I'm just saying it'd be a real shame if someone snuck into their dugout and dropped a match in there and watched the, what's it, a terrarium? ... If you're trying to get rid of their mojo... That's a direct correlation.

The Cubs should sign Tim Tebow because he can 'defeat the sun' during day games

Tebow took flies in center looking into a hellacious sun. Did not bobble or miss one... Name me one baseball player that has defeated the sun. ... If Tebow's in the conversation, it makes our jobs a little bit easier. I wouldn't mind seeing him in a Cubs uniform. A lot of day games. ... We play a lot of day games, and we know that Tebow can beat the Sun.

Animals are better at gambling than humans

If there's one thing that I know about animals is that they're really good at gambling. You know how dogs can predict earthquakes? The octopus, he picked every single game [of the World Cup] correctly. So, yeah, Larry [the Goldfish] is going to absolutely kill it.

I would bet against Larry the Goldfish surviving for five months

If you were a betting person and you were to gamble on to whether or not we could keep a goldfish alive for five months, the answer is I would take no.

If Chip Kelly cuts Colin Kaepernick, he will be called a racist for the first time

And now if Chip Kelly cuts [Kaepernick], then for the first time is going to be called a racist. And that's not a look that Chip Kelly wants.

The Colin Kaepernick anthem protest is a viral marketing stunt for Beats by Dre

This is obviously a viral marketing stunt for Beats by Dre. We're going to find out there was a camera that was on Kaepernick on the sidelines. The National Anthem starts playing, puts the beats on, and 'I'm the man, I'm the man'. It's the sleekest beats design of all time. Nobody will even know that you're wearing them.

Bristol, Connecticut is the worst city in the United States

Bristol, Connecticut. I'm not saying that because of ESPN. I'm saying that because I've actually been to Bristol. If you look at TripAdvisor's top ten things to do in Bristol... one is a water park... and then three out of the other top four are like a museum of clocks. A clock museum... And then another one is the Museum of Fire.

Arkansas is one of the worst states in the country

And then the very last one, I'm going to go with the state of Arkansas... I feel like everywhere Brett Bielema goes, the bubble around his body is sovereign land. He's not a part of any state.

Starkville, Mississippi is one of the worst cities in America

Starkville, Mississippi. We went in the Dixie tour... I'm sure [Stingray Steve] agrees with me because literally all there is is a strip of fast food restaurants. Like, that's their nightlife. Bars closed at 12. We showed up there, and everyone on our bus got pink eye.

Las Vegas is a terrible city after the first 36 hours

Las Vegas. I fucking hate Las Vegas. Las Vegas is a great city to visit the first time you visit for the first day and a half that you're here. And then you realize that it's basically a mix of New Year's Eve and a cruise ship. And no one wants to be on either of those things.

Preseason Game 4 is a nightmare for punters because everyone is selling out to block a kick to make the team

Game four is what we like to call a nightmare... Because it's a lot easier to block a punt than it is to block for a punt. And the big selling point in all NFL camps is if you block a kick, you're going to make this team... You got guys selling out to block kicks.

I only got a college scholarship because I won $1,400 in an underground poker game

I went to this underground game in Pittsburgh. I borrowed 100 bucks from one of my friends... I had jack nine... I caught a full house... I end up having $1,400. My dad spots me the other $100. I go down to the camp. I kick a 65-yard field goal... Tony Gibson from West Virginia University is there. 'You want a scholarship to West Virginia?'... without that tournament happening, [I have] no chance.

Roger Goodell is basically a piss vampire

I just happen to have a cannon attached to my hip. Roger Goodell just can't fathom it. He needs my piss... my leg's gonna fall off soon... but I'm on no drugs so Roger Goodell is basically just a vampire sustained by piss and he just has to keep going back and drinking it from you.

I will play a maximum of three more years of football

The end's in sight, but we'll see. Maximum would be three years. Minimum would be [one].

Little League World Series pitching has become too dominant because the mound is too close

The mound is so close to home plate. The games are so low-scoring. If you have one asshole that can throw 70 miles an hour, you're going to win the World Series, basically. We need to do something about that.

A sports team needs their mascot dog to die in order to win a championship

I'm a firm believer that the dog needs to die for your team to do well. Seriously, you need to get the dog, love the dog, have the dog die, win one for the dog.

Dak Prescott is a speedster who will redefine the quarterback position

I've done a little scouting on Dak Prescott... Athletic, mobile. He's going to redefine the quarterback position. He's a speedster. I don't know if we've ever seen an athlete like Dak Prescott back there. He's instinctive. He's not a thinker.

Tony Romo's injury is actually a good thing for the Cowboys

I actually think that this is a good thing for the Cowboys. I do too. Because God bless him, Tony Romo... I don't know if there's been a quarterback that's gone from utter laughing stock... you want a guy who's lucky to be your quarterback more than anything.