Takes

Trevor Siemian is the perfect Northwestern quarterback because he is bad but okay

Trevor Siemian, not that bad, but also not that good. Kind of like perfect Northwestern quarterback. He reminded you that he's Trevor Siemian, but then he made a couple of throws that were okay... He was bad, but he was also good.

I will keep doing the show even if I win a million dollars in the Super Contest

If I win a million dollars, I absolutely am going to keep doing the show. But I'm going to build a studio in my house and make you guys come over and film the show from my studio so I never have to leave.

My Week 1 NFL Lock is the Jaguars +5.5 at home against the Packers

This is my stone cold lock of the week. I've got the Jaguars at home, jagging off big time, plus five and a half against the Packers.

The Bears will win outright against the Texans in Week 1

Bears are going to win outright. Just a heads up, everyone.

The next Larry the Goldfish will survive for at least two or three days

I think this next Larry is going to survive for a while... I think there's a lot of things we can do differently with this Larry that will make him live for at least two or three days.

Sam Bradford better simulates what Teddy Bridgewater would have done for the Vikings than Shaun Hill

Sam Bradford, the thinking is, I believe better simulates what Teddy would have done if he would have been able to play. I don't know that Bradford can get there... it's going to be an uphill climb, but when things settle down, they're going to be better off with Bradford than they would be with Hill.

The Rams being number three on the depth chart with the first overall pick Jared Goff is a bad sign for everyone

Number three on the depth chart is the first overall pick. That's not good for anybody. And I would say jokingly, back when the Rams picked [Jared] Goff, remember, these are the same people who thought Nick Foles was the answer a year ago. And what was once a joke, I think, is gradually becoming dead serious that maybe they've gotten it wrong two years in a row.

The Rams and 49ers fan bases will have the most fights per game now that the Rams are in LA

I think anybody who plays at the Coliseum, that's where the fights are going to be. And so that's one fan base right there... The more people you have, the greater the chance you're going to have a bunch of fights. And I don't know what it is about 49ers fans. They like to scrap. It's going to get ugly when they play in LA.

The Packers will beat the Ravens in the 2016 Super Bowl

I got Packers over Panthers in the NFC... Ravens over Patriots in AFC. It is the return of the Ravens in 2016. I got Ravens Packers in the Super Bowl with the Packers winning.

Joe Flacco is going to get himself back into the elite conversation by making it to the Super Bowl

Joe Flacco is going to get himself back into the elite conversation by making it to the Super Bowl. But when he doesn't win, that would actually — I would demand a raise here at Barstool if Joe Flacco made it. That would give me so much content.

The Saints are my 2016 dark horse team because their defense can't get any worse

How about the Saints? ... Their defense can't be any worse than it's been. And, you know, Dennis Allen is now in charge of it. They got rid of Rob Ryan... I think the Saints would be a team that could surprise some people this year.

The Bears will struggle in 2016 without Adam Gase to manage Jay Cutler

I worry about how the offense is going to be without Adam Gase there to keep Jay Cutler from being Jay Cutler. And Matt Forte's gone. I think they're going to have a hard time.

Virginia Tech will upset Tennessee at Bristol Motor Speedway

I got Virginia Tech because Appalachian State pushed Tennessee to the brink... Appalachian State should not even be on the same playing level as Tennessee. I got Virginia Tech in the upset.

The SEC is dead in 2016 except for Alabama

Do you think the stories about the SEC being dead are correct? I do, except for Alabama. because Alabama looked good last weekend against USC.

Texas is back after upsetting Notre Dame

Swoops for the win. Texas is back, folks. They upset Number 10 Notre Dame. And what an amazing win for the Texas Longhorns.

Roger Goodell should suspend himself for two games following the Mike Pereira door-pushing revelation

Roger Goodell was protecting the shield before protecting the shield was cool. Here's what Roger Goodell should do. So it doesn't look good, right? ... Roger Goodell should suspend himself... for two games... And then he'll hear the appeal... reduce it to one game and boom, I think the problem solved.

Chuck Pagano and Sean Payton are on the hot seat to start the 2016 season

I got Chuck Pagano... both the Saints and the Colts, they're in win-now mode. And not only that, but Chuck Pagano, he's been healthy for a while. I think you can fire him now, and it's not like, ooh, we just fired the guy who had cancer.

Marvin Lewis and Jason Garrett are on the 'Ice Throne' and will never be fired

Number one, he's actually – we have to come up with a term. Is it just the cold seat? ... The king of the ice throne, Marvin Lewis. He will never be fired. Here's another one, though. Jason Garrett is so lucky to have Tony Romo because every single year he's like, 'could have been good, Tony got hurt. Dang.'

Chip Kelly is on the Ice Throne because he intentionally stocks his roster with bad players to buy more time

I think Chip Kelly's on the ice throne, too... Because he's got blame gap. One thing that Chip Kelly is really great at is stockpiling his rosters with the shittiest quarterbacks... He's stocking his roster up with bad, bad players. And then he can be like, well, I didn't have the personnel this year. I'm still implementing my system.

Mentioning that Pablo Escobar dies in Narcos is not a spoiler because it is history

Pablo Escobar dies. And people are mad at me about it... Can you spoil history? ... I say that, yes, you can spoil history if it's a part of history that not enough people know. ... No one forgets that Pablo Escobar got shot and killed.

The cloud can do nothing but bad things for you; it is your enemy

Just stay away from the cloud. The cloud can do nothing but bad things for you, okay? The cloud is not your friend. The cloud is your enemy. Repeat that over and over, and you should be okay in your life.

Tim Tebow has been on a fatal dose of Adderall for the last 10 years

I think Tim Tebow has just been on almost a fatal dose of Adderall for the last 10 years. He is so obsessed with these really strange goals that he has and keeps changing jobs and doing weird stuff. This is the action of a man that is just tweaking out of his mind nonstop. 'You know what? I'm going to be a baseball player.'

Pardon My Take has more listeners than Bill Simmons

We have over 40 million listeners in six months. That's crazy... I'm just going to say it's more than Simmons. Yeah, it's more than [Bill] Simmons.

Trevor Siemian is the Tim Tebow of the 2016 Denver Broncos

I don't even care that Trevor Siemian is the starting quarterback. Every game he's been in, they've won. Absolutely. So he's the Tim Tebow of the Denver Broncos this year.

Buying a Pardon My Take shirt makes you a part-owner of Larry the Goldfish

If you buy a Pardon My Take shirt, you are an owner of Larry [the Goldfish] like the Green Bay Packers, except you actually own something, not fake own it.

Texas is back

I'm going to ask the question right now. Is Texas back? Texas is back. I think Texas is back. I mean, it was a statement win. Charlie Strong, he needed a statement win, right? Now he's back.

Wisconsin is the mediocre pushover neighbor of college football

Wisconsin's never back. They're never gone. They're just there. We literally are just like the neighbor who you can be like, hey, can I borrow your lawnmower and just not give it back for three months? And you know he's never going to come ask. It's a total pushover.

Notre Dame is heading in the wrong direction

If you had to describe Notre Dame for the last seven years, it's perfectly this. Are they back? Question mark. They've been almost back, sort of back, never fully back. But I think now they're going the wrong direction. Now they're set back.

Real Big Fish's 'Sell Out' is the ultimate summer song

Number one. This is a song that we were singing the other day... Real Big Fish 'Sell Out' play. Love it... Anytime you have a track that's just a guy going [ska sounds], you're going to have a hit. That's a summer song.

I am officially not retired and looking for the right NFL situation

I guess I am officially not retired at the moment. I think I'd pick up the right call, like the right situation that came about. I'm not completely done.

Jay Cutler has a true gunslinger mentality that leads to extreme volatility

Jay would come out in the first half and sometimes throw four or five touchdowns, and then something would happen, and he'd throw four or five picks in the second half. So whatever that switch is that gets flipped, man, once it goes, he just starts firing the ball all over the place. But that's what makes him great. He's the true gunslinger mentality.

Jim Trestle believed the punt was the most important play in football

[Jim Trestle] sits in the punt meeting, special teams, he said, 'Punt, the most important play in football.' And he just kept repeating that... I believed him because that's how we played. They called it Trestle Ball.

The Chicago Bears will win the NFC North because Teddy Bridgewater got hurt

I got the Chicago Bears [to win the NFC North]... Teddy Bridgewater got hurt. So, the only team I was worried about was the Vikings and now they're out of the way.

The Arizona Cardinals will win the NFC West

NFC picks out west. I've got the Cardinals. I like Bruce Arians. I feel like everyone's played with Bruce Arians at some point.

Chad Kelly should legally change his name to Swag Kelly

Legally change your name to Swag. No way that will ever backfire when you're out of the NFL selling car insurance in bumfuck Mississippi. You will be Swag Kelly for life and you're good.

Chad Kelly's decision to not send Mia Khalifa a dick picture shows maturity

The fact that he did not send her a dick picture tells me that he gets it. He's grown up a little bit. So just like emphasize that fact. If I were him, I would have owned it.

Mike Greenberg's belief that ties are more satisfying than overtime is the worst opinion ever

Mike Greenberg's dumb rules... I dislike overtime and college football so much that I genuinely believe ending in a tie is not only more just, it is more satisfying too. That has to be the worst opinion of all time.

College football overtime should be replaced by a coaching fist fight or Oklahoma drill

I think that if we actually just had the coaches have a fist fight, like a boxing thing. Or maybe the coaches do the Oklahoma drill in the middle [of the field]. Who wouldn't watch that?

Skip Bayless was essentially on welfare because his fandom paid Troy Aikman's salary

Back when you were a quarterback in the NFL, Skip Bayless was a fan and he paid your salary. So without him, you probably would be poor right now because you were basically on welfare and he was giving you money.

Ellen DeGeneres will get pregnant this year

I would love to see Ellen DeGeneres get it done [get pregnant]. I think this might be the year she thinks she's sexy. And I would like to see a Skip Bayless Ellen DeGeneres kid.

Jaden Smith will have a kid by next year

I got Jaden Smith... The actor, Will Smith's son... He's like 18, 19... [Big Cat: He strikes me as a kid who would definitely be like, don't worry, I'll pull out.]

Russell Wilson will have a kid by February 2017

My new pick is Russell Wilson. Russell Wilson is deaf[initely]—now that I think about it, Russell Wilson is absolutely—he's going to have a kid. He for sure is having a kid. I'm going to call it February of next year.

Marlins Man belongs in the Hall of Fame asterisk wing

Do you think Marlins Man has a chance of making the Hall of Fame? I think that he's got to be in the conversation. Put him in the asterisk wing.

Trading Sam Bradford for a first and fourth-round pick was a great deal for the Eagles

The Eagles, great trade for them. Any Eagles fan that's upset by this, I really don't know what to tell you. You just traded Sam Bradford. You weren't going to go to the playoffs, and you got a first and a fourth round.

Sam Bradford is a 'bunk credit score loan' that keeps getting repackaged despite being bad

Sam Bradford is basically like one of these bunk credit score loans that get repackaged and repackaged and repackaged and sold for normal money... Sam Bradford has sucked, will always suck, and will continue to suck. And for some reason, he just gets more and more valuable with age.

Sam Bradford is finally on a team that will put him in a position to succeed

Sam Bradford, for the first time in his career, is going to be surrounded by players and on a team that puts him in a position to succeed. You cannot underrate that. Listen, this is what we do when they trade trash players. You say, well, he's on a good team now. He's got a good defense, so he's going to have to do less.

Sam Bradford isn't tough because he wears long sleeves

One thing I know about Minnesota, if you play there, you've got to show toughness by not wearing any sleeves, right? His sleeves go down to the end of his arm. He looks like a 7-year-old in his dad's football jersey.

The Vikings will make the playoffs with Sam Bradford

I think the Vikings are going to probably go to the playoffs now. [PFT: I think you're insane.] I think that their defense is good enough, and I think more than anything, it's a mental thing. You have to show your team that you're not going to just punt on the year.

Mark Sanchez will forever be a 'notable' player rather than a successful one

Mark Sanchez is forever just a notable. Not a bad place to be... He's not good. He's probably never going to get a full-time starting job again. But he will forever be a notable. He is a name that's there.

Nick Saban doesn't have sex, he just 'soaks' and watches film

I don't think that Saban has sex. I think that Saban just soaks. You know what soaking is? Yeah, it's the Mormon thing. He just soaks it for a while. And then he's watching film, grading players at the same time.