Takes

The McChicken is the most fuckable sandwich

I think number one's got to be the McChicken. It's like the Lance Armstrong of fuckable sandwiches. [The guy in the video] destigmatized fucking the McChicken.

Joey Bosa needs to shave his goatee to win over public support during his contract holdout

Number one is, dude, you got to shave the goatee. No one's going to be lining up behind you to support you if you're wearing the goatee. Right now, Joey Bosa, he looks like the evil dimension version of Joey Bosa. You're not doing yourself any favors with the facial hair.

Joey Bosa likely has a gambling problem because he is demanding his signing bonus money immediately

Just knee jerk here. Gambler to gambler. Sounds like Joey Bosa has a gambling problem. Like I need that money now, man. I need it right now. Like that's he thinks that he's being, you know, sly here. But as a gambler, I can see what he's doing. He's clearly got some big debts he needs to pay.

Joey Bosa should condition his contract signing on the Chargers agreeing not to move to Los Angeles

I've got some really good PR advice for Joey, though. Here's how you get the public back on your side. It's very easy. You release a statement saying, 'I will accept the Chargers' offer under the condition that they agree to not move the team to L.A. next year.' Instantly, all of San Diego loves you, and there's nothing that the team can do about it.

Dropping a 'trash' signature sneaker is the new version of a celebrity sex tape for staying relevant

Dropping a trash signature sneaker is like the new sex tape. That's how you get people talking about you.

Charlie Weis hacked life by getting paid $24 million specifically to not work

But if you really look at the facts, what Charlie's done with his career is what we should all strive for. And that's he's getting paid $24 million to not work. And in what world – he's basically hacked life, OK? ... He has figured out how to design an offense that's so bad that people will pay you not to implement it.

Charlie Weis will never get another coaching job unless he gets rid of his aggressive pet parrot

My biggest takeaway from the article is that he's not going to get another job until he gets rid of the bird in his house. ... It's a sun conure that dive bombs anybody that walks into his house. ... I think he got the parrot to get himself fired quicker at Kansas.

The Ryan brothers are the 'original feminists' because Rob Ryan carries weight like a pregnant woman

Is Rob Ryan the original feminist? I mean, he's pregnant, basically. He has to walk around with that weight, right? He's got that belly. I think he's in a hat tip to all the women out there who have gone through childbirth and the beautiful child thing that is childbirth. Rob stands with you.

Pigs in a blanket are the best finger food and appetizer available

I also think that pigs in a blanket get a bad rap. I think people try to be really classy at their weddings these days and they don't do pigs in a blanket. We need to like rebrand pigs in a blanket to bring them back because they're the best finger food and appetizer out there.

Crab cakes are better with 75% filler rather than lump meat

I like the filler. ... Exactly. I want 75% filler in my crab cakes. ... Have you ever tried to eat like a 95% crab meat crab cake? Oh, it's disgusting. It's like eating a can of tuna fish.

90% of Spanakopita is inedible because it's too dry

Spanakopita can be really, really dry. Like 90% of the time, it's almost inedible because it's super dry.

Mussels are officially a finger food

Mussels. Does that count? Finger food. ... I love mussels. ... And I eat them with my finger. ... I always eat mussels just with my fingers.

The Seahawks are easily the best team in the NFC for the 2016 season

Well, they're easily the best team in the NFC. Not a problem.

The Seahawks offense will not suffer any drop-off without Marshawn Lynch

I put my money on Russell Wilson, and I don't think that there's any lapse in terms of their offense by having Marshawn Lynch out of it.

Setting an alarm clock one hour early creates a positive start to the day

When the alarm goes off in the morning... my first thought of the day is positive because I go, yes, I get to sleep another hour. Positive thought. ... I'm positive in the morning. I am now in the midst of waking up in disarray. You're like, oh man, I gotta get up. And I'm like, wait a minute. No, I don't. Not for another hour.

Skip Bayless is better at insulting athletes than Stephen A. Smith

I'm just saying, like, if you needed somebody, if it came down to it, you needed one guy to hurl out one insult at an athlete, who are you going with? I'm going to Skip. ... I think he's better at it in general.

The NFL should be criticized for not suspending Aaron Hernandez while suspending Hope Solo for six months

Don't let this distract you from the fact that the NFL has yet to suspend Aaron Hernandez. ... Aaron Hernandez gets nothing and Hope Solo suspended for six months for talking.

Twitter is primarily composed of memes and ISIS recruitment

It's just memes and ISIS recruitment. That's what Twitter is. It's a real problem out there. Real problem out there.

The internet needs to consolidate the excessive number of golf news websites

Just consolidate all these golf sites. We don't need 17 golf sites writing the same golf stories. ... consolidate all these golf sites.

Houseboats are the safest long-term investment due to rising sea levels

Polar ice caps. The whole world's going to be the ocean eventually. I'd say houseboats actually are probably the safest investment out there. ... I'm talking like three, 400 years here. You might want to be the guy with the houseboat.

If you're actually good at Madden, I don't want to hang out with you

If you are the guy that plays Madden and you were really good at Madden, I don't like you. That tells me that I don't want to hang out with you.

I'm staying away from Derek Carr because his brother David was so bad

I actually stay away from Derek Carr because I remember David Carr and how bad he was. I'm like, I'm not touching that guy.

The Little League World Series is losing its way because the mic'd up coaches are too soft

I think the Little League World Series is losing who they are. I think the mic'd up coaches saying that they love all their kids too much... I'm here to watch kids screw up and cry. If you're going to make me feel bad about that, I hate you.

I want the Fox NFL Sunday injury music played at my funeral

I actually said a couple of years ago, I want that song [Fox NFL Sunday injury music] played at my funeral... seriously... if I'm dead, you guys are going to die too.

Joe Flacco is definitely an elite quarterback

Is Joe Flacco elite? Duh. Obviously. He won the Super Bowl. Hello.

Maryland will never feel like a real member of the Big Ten

Does it bother you that Maryland will never be a real member of the Big Ten? ... It makes me want to puke every time I see Rutgers and Maryland for the football schedule.

Mighty Mighty Boss Tones songs sound happy, but the lyrics are actually quite grim

The boss tones are pretty, you know, it's like happy sounding music. The lyrics can get kind of grim.

Tiger Woods will likely never win another major championship

Gun to my head, Tiger wins another major? Probably not. I mean, I don't know. He hadn't played golf all year. Also, there was a gun to my head.

Stanford will win the Pac-10 this year

Prediction for Stanford football this year. Well, I can't... I have a hard time saying winner of the Pac-12, so I'm going to say the winner of the Pac-10 still.

I'm betting on Ole Miss week one because Hugh Freeze held a fake funeral for himself

As people who know my gambling problem, I will be betting Ole Miss week one without a doubt. If you bury a football, if you plan a fake funeral for yourself, if a beloved mascot dies, that team's going to win the next game.

Tom Brady's absence from practice might be linked to a heist or Roger Goodell's death threats

Tom Brady cut his thumb and missed the second preseason game... he then missed practice on Sunday and Monday... Roger Goodell just said that he received some death threats... Did Tom Brady take part in a heist? Something happened.

Tim Tebow will be signed to a baseball team by next Wednesday

Tim Tebow update next Tuesday... Tim Tebow will be signed on a baseball team as of next Wednesday.

Peter King will inevitably 'eat the trash' again and tweet something offensive

Peter King... he's like a dog that keeps eating the trash and getting sick... Within a few months, Peter King will eat that trash again. He knows he shouldn't eat the trash, but the trash is there and it's delicious.

Rio's Olympic infrastructure will be well-maintained and beneficial for decades

The Olympics are over. Rio, I have no doubt in my mind all the buildings, all the goodwill, all of the tourist money is going to go into great hands. And they're going to be on the up and up for the rest of the century.

Pooping your pants from trying too hard makes an activity a sport

If you poop your pants from doing it too hard, it's a sport. I don't care what it is. That's my litmus test for does it qualify.

The color-changing pool was the biggest story of the Rio Olympics

Silver gold medal of takeaways. Storylines of the Olympics goes to the color changing pool. Yeah, I just I want you know how they have the live cameras on the grizzly bears every spring up in Alaska. You can watch them fishing for salmon. I want a live cam 24 seven on the pool as it's changing colors.

Rio's Olympic venues will be abandoned ruins with graffiti and skateboarders almost immediately

I'd say it's probably already dry. I'd probably I'd say it's probably already got graffiti on it and there's like skateboarders in it.

Usain Bolt would be a scary NFL wide receiver

Tony Dungy actually did come out and said that Usain Bolt would be a scary wide receiver. So it's good to see that. Good to see someone else is thinking along our lines. Guys really fast. Put some pads on them.

Jimmy Butler is a perfect fit for the Milwaukee Bucks

[Jimmy Butler is] getting ready to be the greatest, most apt Milwaukee buck of all time. Like there has never been a better fit.

Carmelo Anthony is too cool for the Banana Boat crew

I think Carmelo is too cool for the banana boat. I think that LeBron James, Chris Paul, Dwayne Wade, this new kind of athlete, this new super team-creating kind of athlete, they're lame. They're not hard. Carmelo's hard.

UFC 202 was the best main event fight in a long time

UFC 202, I want to mention it quickly because as a sports fan, that was one of the best main event fights I've watched in a long time. It was one of the most hyped ones probably since Mayweather Pacquiao, but it was so, so good.

Falling asleep on strangers during transit is a power move

Falling asleep on strangers is absolutely a power move. Big transit sleeper, yep.

Winking at men is a high-level power move

And then finally, winking at men. Yeah, winking's good. It's like winking when you introduce yourself to somebody. That's a sweet move.

SportsCenter highlights of twins games are obsolete in the mobile era

If you just rolled tape from one of [Dan and Keith's] shows and watched it now, you'd say, man, that Twins highlight was pretty long. You just can't do a minute 30 of a Twins highlight that people have already seen on their phones.

It is incredibly difficult for media personalities to leave ESPN and find the same level of success

There's a pretty strong track record that leaving, you know, it's hard to go out there and take on, as Dan Patrick labeled it long ago, the mothership and win. ... People are lazy, man. ... If you make me memorize a new number [on the cable box], I hate you a little bit more.

Bill Simmons struggled on TV because he is a writer competing against trained performers like John Oliver and Marc Maron

Mars [Marc Maron], the other guy they compare to him... you're a stand-up comic for that many years, you have balls the size of pumpkins because you talk for a living. ... He's a performer. ... Bill is a brilliant guy on a lot of fronts and TV is still a relatively new thing for him.

LeBron James's post-Finals interview in 2016 was one of the most authentic athlete moments in years

LeBron after the finals was really cool because our show was the post-show, and it was him after an iconic thing that happened in sports. ... He was human and he was honest. ... memorable with a guy who's as big a deal as there is in sports after doing something that had never been done in sports before.

Tom Brady is injury-prone because he spent 12 years on the injury report

Is Tom Brady injury-prone? That's what it sounds like to me. It sounds like he's a China doll. Yeah, been on the injury report more than any other player. Got bit by the injury bug.

The Ryan Lochte robbery incident in Rio is like the worst Jason Bourne movie of all time

Since it's swimming, we get to watch this play out like the worst Jason Bourne movie of all time.

An unwritten rule of the 'bro code' is that you break it to save your own ass

That's an unwritten rule of bro code is that you break bro code to save your own ass.