Takes

Pandas are dumb as shit and terrible parents

Pandas. They're dumb as shit. They will hand you, you could google this, if you go to a panda in captivity and it has a baby... and you put out an apple, it will hand you its baby and take the apple. Swear to God, nobody talks about this. They're dumb as shit. They're mean, they're terrible parents. Bad moms.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially back

The U is back. Cam Ward is electric. He was electric last year. He he's awesome in the U. Yeah. It does feel like they're another team where a week one win on the road in the SEC, they now are in the driver's seat.

Florida State won't win another game until the fan who promised to eat dog shit actually does it

Coward, coward deleted his account. You gotta follow now that, listen, they're not gonna win any more games until this guy eats the dog shit out. That's facts. That's how it works.

No team in the Big 12 will finish with fewer than three losses

My hot take about the Big 12 is that nobody is coming outta that league with fewer than three losses. I think it's gonna be a one-bid league.

Nico Iamaleava is the best quarterback in the country

I'm telling you, Nico's [Iamaleava] the best quarterback in the country. Size-wise, talent-wise, ability-wise, fit in the offense that he's in... I already have the future on Nico's Heisman.

I will not draft Travis Kelce for moral reasons related to his podcast

This is the number one sports podcast. Yes. That's it. There is no other sports podcasts. There will be no talk of that person [Travis Kelce] on this... No Travis Kelce on our team. I love that. Good, good. Take a stand.

Jason Tatum's All-Star MVP trophy tattoo is negative 5,000 aura

To me this just calls into question his aura even further. Negative 5,000 Aura. How's getting a tattoo of force? Because he likes All Star MVPs then. That's also a terrible trophy.

Jayson Tatum has no aura

Boston is an amazing team, but they're just not fun. No. Tatum is not fun. He has no Aura. Tatum is like, once your mom starts being like, this isn't fair. It's like, shut the fuck up dude... No, you don't get greatness from a supportive mom. You need a bit of like, yeah, maybe he should be on the bench.

Kobe Bryant is overrated relative to the all-time elite tier

I don't want to say what I think—Kobe's, he's very overrated. Because he is rated so high. Like he gets talked about like LeBron or Michael Jordan. I don't think he's in that spot. He wasn't the best player on the three-peat team... Shaq was an absolute monster.

I would press a button to win 10 Super Bowls even if it killed one Bears fan

[PFT asks if he'd press a button where one fan dies but he wins 10 Super Bowls] I think I take it. 10 Super Bowls. That's a lot of Super Bowls. That's, that's great.

Patrick Mahomes is so good at football that he is throwing behind-the-back passes out of boredom

I said that it should have been taunting running that play because Patrick Mahomes is now bored of football. He's so good at football that he he can't play like a normal quarterback because it's too easy for him. So he just ups the difficulty level. Now he's throwing behind the back passes.

The worst NFL team would win gold in Olympic flag football with only one hour of practice

I think if you took the worst NFL team and then made them the flag football team, they would probably win the gold. An hour. They'd probably pick it up an hour.

Boobs are officially back in style and the undisputed 1-1 pick for soft things

I'm going boobs. Correct. Boobs are back now. Sydney Sweeney brought boobs back for a while... And I'm glad that they are. Yes. Very soft.

Joe Milton should have been a top 10 pick and is a sixth-round steal

Number one I had Joe Milton. 'Cause Joe Milton is fucking awesome... History repeats itself. That guy, how did that guy last until the sixth round? That guy should have been top 10. Patriots get a six round steal.

LIV Golf should allow all steroids and make the tour totally rule-free

I was shocked to know that Liv had a steroid policy... You have no rules. You play golf with shorts. They should, if you're the Liv Tour, make everything legal. Have it be steroids, but golf. Tackling. Yes. And a football and pylons.

LeBron James is on steroids because of his size and longevity

I will go with LeBron James. I mean, how is he not on steroids? That big. I'm not throwing a flag. That's probably an honorable mention. I mean there's, that's probably an honorable mention.

Steve Kerr is a 'fucking idiot' for his Olympic rotations and benching Jason Tatum

I'm an American first and foremost before anything else. So I, I was happy for our country. Yeah. I think Steve Kerr is a fucking idiot. Even his own player Draymond Green was chirping him on Twitter saying, you know, you gotta mess with the lineups. They're clearly not working in the first half. You have Jason Tatum, one of the best players in the NBA, didn't play at all.

Guardian caps are doing more harm than good and encouraging players to swing helmets in fights

I think the Guardian scrum caps are actually doing more harm than good. Yeah. I think they're, their players are ripping them off and they're like, oh, it's not that hard of a helmet. I can swing it at a guy's head now. It's like a pillow fight. It's encouraging bad behavior.

The 'fake punt punt' is a legitimate trick play that would confuse opposing coaches

I just want to be able to call one play... Ready for this play? Fake punt. Punt. You snapped the ball to the fullback or someone standing about five yards behind the center. And then he lateral punts or then he punts... No one expects the fake punt. Punt. Because they say, oh, fake punt. Then he punts. It will fuck everyone up. Sometimes you gotta fuck people up.

You shouldn't stop printing money; you should print even more to solve inflation

You gotta go through the wall. So like when you're like, oh we printed so much money that it doesn't like it's not worth anything. That's when you print even more money. Right. You can't quit printing money. You gotta be committed to printing the money.

Dealing with Hank in the morning is tougher than childbirth

Dealing with Hank when he wakes up in the morning. That's very tough. Yeah. Probably tougher than childbirth. If you actually have to do it. Like if childbirth verse, like if you're like, Hey, every day you have to just wake up Hank, I'd take childbirth.

If Taylor Swift takes over Sundays, I need to see a sex tape

If Taylor Swift is gonna be taking over our Sundays, I'm gonna need to see a sex tape. These are my demands at Pardon My Take.

Steve Kerr is a piece of shit for not playing Jason Tatum

Steve Kerr is a piece of shit. That's, that's really what this all boils down to. Jason Tatum did have a better plus minus than Joel Embiid. So there's that.

Joel Embiid is the worst player in the entire Olympics

[Joel Embiid] is the worst player on the fucking team, probably in the whole Olympics.

The New York Yankees need to extend Aaron Boone immediately to show they believe in him

I think that you have to give Aaron Boone an extension and show that you believe in him. And then the rest of the the clubhouse is gonna truly believe in him too. Then you'll be fine.

Jordan Love's training camp hold-in is one of the most selfish things a player has ever done

Jordan Love is the first player to do this. And it's disgusting. This is one of the most selfish things I've ever seen a player do... he's not going to practice with his team until he gets his new contract.

Aaron Rodgers is currently less of a diva than Jordan Love

Is Aaron Rodgers less of a diva than Jordan Love? Aaron Rodgers at Training Camp, Jordan Love is not a training camp.

Patrick Mahomes is the 'animal' I would most like to be

I would like to be Patrick Mahomes. Humans are animals. Scientifically, they are, they literally are animals. If you could pick any animal to be, Patrick Mahomes would be a pretty fucking sick animal to be.

I will 'sweet talk' Leonard Floyd to avoid another injury on Monday Night Football

I'm gonna have to sweet talk him [Leonard Floyd] a little bit. Pay him off. Just let me get through play five.

Mike Florio and Colin Cowherd look like morons because Caleb Williams officially signed with the Bears

All who said that there was 0% chance that Caleb Williams was going to sign with the Bears. That he was gonna force a trade. That he was gonna demand ownership. Florio said he was gonna play another season at USC. You all look like morons. Caleb Williams is officially signed as a Bear.

The MLB should allow players suspended for steroids back early if they win the Home Run Derby

Our idea that we had last year was one of the best, which is if you test positive for steroids, you can get out of your suspension by winning the Home Run Derby.

LeBron James only brought Bronny into the NBA to bolster his GOAT case against Michael Jordan

Some people could argue that LeBron, when he realized that he wasn't going to win six titles and match MJ, he's like, 'what else can I try to get that will, they'll say in my GOAT conversation' and having Bronny—playing with Bronny—will be there. MJ's son never played in the league.

Offsides should be removed from soccer

Offsides should be taken out of soccer. There should be no offsides.

Nike is likely behind Jalen Brown and Kyrie Irving being left off Team USA

And I do think there is probably some truth to the Nike thing where Kyrie is also, you know, if Jalen Brown's a snub, Kyrie's a snub... They're both very outspoken against Nike. Coincidence? Probably not. I think not.

I wish I had used steroids during my MLB career

I look back now, I go, fuck, I wish I would've done 'em. Yeah. To be honest with you. I wish I would've because I, I don't think I would've, I I think I would've gained velocity. You know, I, I, I think in that aspect, so with my ability to throw strikes, I think it would've made me a lot better.

I would kill Hitler if I was on the 1936 Olympic team

I think I would wanna be Jesse Owens and just win gold medal Right. in Hitler's face... And I would kill Hitler while I was there. Kill Hitler.

Pete Alonzo is the biggest loser in sports during the Home Run Derby

Pete Alonzo with the home run Derby is the worst. He is the biggest loser in sports when the Home Run Derby comes around. ... He, dude, he gets laser focused. He meditates backstage. He goes into like a little panic room by himself in between rounds and just focuses and visualize home runs. And the home run derby isn't even that fun anymore.

Titties are a type of meat

Titties is meat. Great choice. ... They're made out of meat. ... Is it the Mount Rushmore meat that you eat? Fact or fiction. ... I enjoy looking at the meat.

The Jordan Poole contract is the worst in sports history because it destroyed the Warriors' chemistry

I think you could make the argument that the Jordan Poole contract was the worst contract ever given out in all of sports. Not just because of the money given to Jordan Poole, but what it did to the rest of the team. Because that was like Klay watching that. Draymond watching that. It like screwed up the whole vibes of everything.

Duke and John Scheyer failed as a 'Brotherhood' by not stopping the Kyle Filipowski grooming

Duke, do something. I mean, it's, let's proud Duke. Why wouldn't you... they clearly didn't say it strong enough. They cared more about getting points and rebounds out of the guy than his own mental health wellbeing. The brotherhood means nothing. The brotherhood is essentially the brotherhood until you get groomed as a high schooler and then gets snatched up and then have your girlfriend excommunicate your family.

Jared McCain is the best shooter in the draft, better than Reed Sheppard

He's the best shooter in the draft. He's the best shooter since Steph Curry... There have been two freshmen in NCA history with a 0.611 plus true shooting percentage. Two, two hundred ten three point attempts and 150 plus rebounds. And that's Jared McCain and Steph Curry.

Dog influencers use their pets' social media accounts to get dates

How often do you think fucking happens between two dog owners or a dog owner with that Instagram handle of their dog and uses the DMs to fuck? ... She slid into my goldendoodle's DMs... not Ms. Peaches because Dave is famous in his own right. I'm talking about like the people who have no fame, but their dog has insane fame. You definitely use that dog to fuck, right? A hundred percent yes.

Jason Tatum has no 'aura'

I have no aura. Perfect. Exa—great. Find it. That's, I have no aura... If you see it, you can tell, you can use, you don't have to know the definition... KG has a shit load... [Tatum] has no aura. No. Like Big Cat doesn't even, literally doesn't know what the definition of or is. He just knows... you can tell.

If you protest at a sporting event, your punishment should be getting hit with a ball from that sport

Your punishment should just be directly related to the sport. They should have to go stand at the tee box and Scottie Scheffler and Tom Kim get the tee one like right at them. That's what it should be.

Caitlin Clark is on the 'can't win the big one' list because she never won a title at Iowa

Caitlin Clark can't win the big one. She has not been able to win the big one. She lost... she literally college cannot win the big one and like, I don't know what else you could say about it.

The Bulls traded a winning player in Alex Caruso for a losing player in Josh Giddey

I am mad. I continue to be mad at this franchise. They fucking suck Jerry Reinsdorf. All he wants to do is win 40 games... Giddy Caruso. I love Caruso. He's a friend of the show. I love Caruso. This comes down to you traded a winning player in Alex Caruso for a losing player in Josh Giddey.

Patrick Mahomes is not the biggest threat on the celebrity golf circuit

I don't think Patrick Mahomes is the biggest threat on the golf course. Oh, okay. On the football field obviously is the biggest, but golf course I think a little different... I know he does have like a real golf hole in his backyard... I just don't see him winning it.

Jason Tatum has negative aura

Hank, would you like to speak at all about the fact that Jason Tatum has negative aura? It just didn't feel authentic, which again, this is very nitpicky because they just won the title. He just kind of speaks in memes and thinks in memes.

LeBron James is just a Brian Windhorst merchant

I would make the argument that LeBron is just a [Brian Windhorst] merchant that [Windhorst] made LeBron not the other way around.

Rory McIlroy's makeup sex with his wife is propelling his US Open performance

Now that [McIlroy] is back, he's having the makeup sex, and the makeup sex is propelling him to get in the hole.