Takes

The Detroit Pistons 90s horse logo jersey is one of the worst ever

My number one was the Pistons throwback. Remember when the Pistons changed their logo in the 90s? The green and yellow and red horse. The worst jersey criteria is when the original jersey was great and the original logo was great. They're like, we're just going to make everything weird colors.

The Phoenix Coyotes 90s jersey is the worst of all time

And then my four is probably the worst jersey of all time, the Phoenix Coyotes. You remember that one? That was awful. That was the most disgusting jersey I've ever seen in my life.

The New England Patriots current jerseys are awful

I'm going to go with the Patriots jersey... No offense, Hank, but I think the Patriots, for being such a great team, have had awful jerseys for the last 20 years.

Yellow jerseys are disgusting and make for a bad viewing experience

My number two is the Nashville Predators. I just hate yellow. I hate when they're playing games and their whole arena is yellow. It just looks disgusting.

The sun is scientifically cold because space is cold

Where do you land, by the way, on our theory that the sun is, in fact, cold? I'm a fan of the space that just seems to shut everybody down. Space is cold and everyone just... When you said you were willing to hear it out, I was just going to say space is cold. That's it.

Nobody who writes a book actually reads it cover-to-cover

I have a working theory that nobody that's written a book has actually read their book. Do you listen to your podcast over and over? Yeah, sometimes.

Stephen Hawking has been dead for years and his public persona is an AI government puppet

Stephen Hawking died a long time ago, but the government has kept up the illusion that he's alive in order to get their space propaganda out there to the nerd community. He's literally dead, and it's artificial intelligence that's talking.

Mark Zuckerberg wears the same clothes every day as a 'nerd shield'

My number one [nerd] is Mark Zuckerberg. Big time nerd. You know he's a nerd for a lot of reasons, but the fact that he just can't ever stop wearing the same clothes, he's just like, that's his defense mechanism. It's a little shield. Nerd shield.

Using an Android phone makes you a huge nerd compared to using an iPhone

He's not an iPhone guy. That's a huge nerd. Huge nerd. Like, well, all of China doesn't use an iPhone. They use Androids. Actually, the Android operating system is superior. It moves faster. I don't care that I make all my friends hate me because they have to text in green bubbles.

We cannot trust the theory of gravity because Isaac Newton was a virgin

The fact that we're trusting gravity with a guy who never had sex seems a little suspicious. Doesn't know how woman on top feels.

Jar Jar Binks is actually the ultimate Sith Lord

Jar Jar Binks is actually the ultimate Sith Lord.

Everyone who watches Game of Thrones is a nerd

Everyone that watches Game of Thrones. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Did you hear about Game of Thrones? Yeah. Do you want me to tell you? I've been reading spoilers.

Honey Nut Cheerios are the greatest cereal of all time

I've got a great value pick at number two: Honey Nut Cheerios. I think they're the goat. I'm just gonna say that... you forget the bee puts his honey in there for you.

Froot Loops are the superior cereal to Apple Jacks because Apple Jacks taste like pink snot

Apple Jacks and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you can't eat like many, many bowls... they taste like pink snot. It's gross. Fruit Loops are superior Apple Jacks that look exactly the same.

Apple Jacks milk is the best leftover cereal milk on the list

Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Apple Jacks are both not only good cereals, but the milk in the cereal bowl after the cereal's gone is better than any other cereal on the list.

Jimmy Garoppolo is essentially Cody Kessler with a better logo

The way I've described him is it's like if you go into a shop and you've got 10 shirts that are exactly the same. It's like buying the one with the Nike logo on it. It's not necessarily a better shirt. It just looks better. [Garoppolo] and Cody Kessler is not a big difference.

Mitchell Trubisky will win at least five Super Bowls

Kian, tell me, as a Bears fan, that Mitch Trubisky is going to be a franchise quarterback and probably win no less than five Super Bowls.

Mitchell Trubisky should start immediately rather than sitting

Normally, you want to sit a rookie quarterback if he needs to fix his footwork or fix his throwing motion... But Trubisky's got good feet. He reacts to pressure well... I would play him so he can learn. He's got good accuracy. He's a good athlete. He's really poised. He can go through reads. And I'd happily take him as a starter.

Brock Osweiler has no idea what he is looking at on the field despite his physical advantages

Brock Osweiler is beautiful because he's like a deer in the pocket where he's just falling over himself. And he's got all that height to see everything, but he has no idea what he's looking at. So he just ends up throwing the ball at defenders all day.

Tom Brady showed signs of regression in the 2016 playoffs despite winning the Super Bowl

The playoffs last year weren't great. I know they won the Super Bowl, they came back, but in the fourth quarter of that Falcons game, if you go through it, he threw the ball to defenders. On the Edelman catch, if you look at where that ball arrives and where he threw it, it was straight to the defender... That's just lucky.

I used to think my testicles were made of Play-Doh and eating more would make them bigger

My number one, I used to think that your testicles were Play-Doh. So I thought if you just ate more Play-Doh, you'd have bigger balls. I used to eat Play-Doh. For sure. I mean, it's kind of like the Bruce Arians drinking paint there. You got to try all things if you want to have bigger balls.

If you eat tuna fish before you go swimming, you will drown

The old wives' tale, if you eat tuna fish before you go swimming, you'll drown. I really, really thought that. I used to think it, for some reason, specifically tuna fish... basically it was mixing, you know. It makes no sense. You consume a fish to get better at swimming.

Mark Trestman was a smart hiring choice for the Chicago Bears

I said that the Bears thought outside the box when hiring Mark Trestman, and it will pay big dividends as they have one of the smartest coaches in the NFL now.

I genuinely thought I was an elf for two years because of my pointy ears

When I was a kid I actually I thought I was an elf for a while. Because I had pointy ears, right? They're super pointy. It was the pointy ears... this is all inside my own head. And I never told anybody about it. And then like two years later, I was like, oh, thank God, I guess I'm not an elf.

Wally Szczerbiak and Keith Van Horn were going to be incredible NBA players

I thought that Nick Kaner-Medley, Wally Szczerbiak, Steve Wojciechowski, and Keith Van Horn would all be incredible NBA players.

I could make the pros in five years as a knuckleball pitcher with seclusion and a personal chef

I said if you put me in a cabin in the middle of the woods with a personal chef and a knuckleball specialist, I could be in the pros within five years. I think with some training, seclusion, and just a lot more training, I could make it to the double A's and then, you know, who knows what happens from there.

Rajon Rondo is just one notch below Paul Pierce in Celtics history

When Rajon Rondo got traded to the Mavericks, I said he was a notch below Pierce, who was like a notch below Bill Russell.

Curling is chess on ice and is a perfect mix of brain and brawn

It's chess on ice. It's a perfect mix of brain and brawn, and yeah, it's fantastic. The sweeping is incredibly taxing.

Rugby is the fastest growing sport in America

I can't say rugby because rugby is definitely not obscure. It's very mainstream. In fact, fastest growing sport in America.

Owning a dog and having a child are essentially the same thing

Owning a dog and a kid, same thing. Yeah, for example, sometimes my dog, he sleeps in really, really late, and I have to wake him up to take him outside to use the restroom.

99% of office meetings could be solved with a text thread

I would say that 99% of meetings in general could just be solved with a text thread.

Meditating is a top-four way to cool down in the summer

My last one is just meditating. Meditate... when I said meditating, I meant cool down like when you get hot in an argument. Like when you ever get in a really big argument. You need to take a deep breath.

Laying on the bathroom floor is the greatest feeling when you have the spins

This is actually more for when you have the spins, but it still is the greatest thing in the world. Just laying down on the bathroom floor... There's actually no better feeling in the world. It's great. When you're hot, when you're drunk, when you have the spins.

Zing Zang is the only acceptable Bloody Mary mix

The things I hate the most about bars, number one, when they make their own Bloody Mary mix instead of using Zing Zang. Because Zing Zang... It's the perfected Bloody Mary mix. There's no topping it. It's perfect all around.

An overcrowded bar actually makes less money than one with 20% fewer people

You know what's funny is that bar with 20% less people in it would actually make more money that night. And that's the sign of a rookie owner. Because when a bar gets that crowded, I can't get waitresses to you. Bartenders can't serve everyone. Half the people in the room don't have drinks.

Bar farters are a major societal problem

Number one, I have a longstanding issue with it. Bar farters, anyone who farts in a bar, because they know they have the masses to hide behind. I think it's bullshit when you're walking through a bar and boom, it smells like someone just took a shit on the floor.

If a bar offers wings on the menu, they are obligated to provide wet naps

No wet naps when you have wings on the menu. That's another big one. Need that.

The best way to enjoy a boat is to have a close friend who owns one rather than owning it yourself

My number three is having a friend with a boat but not actually owning one yourself. So you never want to be the guy with the boat. You want to be the guy that's got a good friend. They'll take you out, and if you throw them some fuel money, you're good.

The best way to enjoy a lake is to float in the middle with a life jacket and five beers

I like to just put on a life jacket and just sit in the middle of the lake and just drink beers, drink like five beers while I pee and just do nothing else. So you just sit there. It's great. You get all your friends just sitting there doing nothing.

Mike Krzyzewski and Bill Belichick are the two best coaches of this generation in any sport

Would you guys agree that in any sport, take all the major sports, is there a better coach in our generation than Coach K? Belichick, Krzyzewski. I don't know if you get any better than that.

Nick Saban's resting heart rate is just 'angry'

Nick Saban, because Nick Saban, he's like a volcano that only erupts every now and then. But when it does, and Nick Saban, you get the added bonus where he yells at his coaches... His resting heart rate is angry.

60s and 70s rock was specifically made to be listened to in a car on the highway

Bands in the late 60s and 70s made all of their music so that it sounded beautiful in a car going 75 miles on the highway.

Diversify your investment by buying scratch tickets in multiple states to become a millionaire

On a road trip, little pro tip, you buy scratch tickets or lotto tickets at every single stop in multiple different states. It's called diversifying your investment. And you will then become a millionaire.

Wikipedia is the greatest website of all time

My number one is Wikipedia. The best website of all time. I don't think I even need to explain it. We have a Wikipedia club.

The 2003 Yahoo Fantasy Football page was perfection

Michelangelo never created anything close to the perfection. That was on the 2003 Yahoo Fantasy Football homepage.

Madison Square Garden is the best place to play in the NBA

My number one pick, my favorite city always to visit is New York. The Garden is one of the most fun places to play. Just the energy, even when they're not as good or even if they have more hype. It's always a good crowd, great city.

Phoenix is a sleeper NBA city with huge potential

Number two, kind of a sleeper city for me, is Phoenix. Young. It's a good time. Great weather always. I like to get in there a little early. Just take my claim, put them on the Mount Rushmore, and then when they do blow up, it's like, hey, I was here from the beginning.

Toronto is a premier NBA city because it is culturally diverse and a great tax city to play in

Number three, I'm going Toronto. North of the border. Toronto's great, culturally diverse country. Solid fans, great tax city to play in. Also Drake, you could be friends with Drake.

Boston is a top-four NBA city to visit and play in

I'll tell you, I went with Boston as number four. Great call. I think definitely half of me [loves it]. I mean, half of me loves it. The other half, it's hit and miss. It depends on who I run into.

Indianapolis is a top-tier walkable and 'scootable' sports city

I have never had a bad time in the city of Indianapolis. It's a very walkable city... I hate DUIs even more [than walking]. It's a very scootable city. If you have a scooter, it's easy to get around.