Takes

The Minnesota Vikings franchise is the 'Hall of Very Good' of NFL teams

Minnesota Vikings franchise hall of very good 65 seasons. 32 playoff appearances in 65 seasons. They've literally been in the playoffs almost exactly half the time. ... They've never won a Super Bowl. They're the hall of very good franchises.

Above-ground pools are 'very good' and belong in the Hall of Very Good

Our second pick is going to be above ground pools. ... They're very good. They're very fun. I've had a fun time in an aboveground. ... So much better than no pool.

Canada is a 'Hall of Very Good' country, but not a top-three country

Our next pick is gonna be Canada as a country, which is very good. Not Hall of Fame country... They're just very good. Seems pretty good... But have they ever been in history, a top three country? No. No. And that's okay. They're like the Scottie Pippen of countries.

Titty fucking is 'very good' but not 'Hall of Fame' level

We want to take titty fucking. Yeah. It's very good. ... It's not Hall of fame. Hall of Fame is sex. ... If you're titty fucking in an above ground pool in Canada, you're having a very good time. Yeah.

Zelda: Ocarina of Time is the best video game ever made

We are gonna go Zelda: Ocarina of Time... widely known as the best game ever... It's like known as being the best game ever.

The Stanley Cup tumbler craze is overhyped because it is just a cup

We're gonna take Stanley cups, drinkware, the big fucking Stanley Cups that everyone goes crazy about. All the women love it. Don't understand the hypes... It's literally just a cup... they're almost like beanie babies, like the newer version of Beanie Babies where people collect different colors.

Soccer is the most boring popular sport in the world

Soccer? Don't under don't understand. It's the most popular sport in the world. Yep. By far. Yep. And I watch a game and it seems so fucking boring. Like I get the moment that you get the goal is very fun. But every other moment in between it is like, when are they gonna fucking do something?

Taylor Swift Easter Eggs are stupid and overhyped

We're gonna take Taylor Swift Easter Eggs. Not Taylor Swift. The music, we understand the music... I, for the life of me do not understand when Taylor Swift just like matches a couple numbers... and everyone fucking goes full investigative journalism mode... it's fucking stupid.

Marvel movies are overhyped and cheesy for adults

I don't understand the hype as an adult is Marvel movies... I like good movies, but... the Marvel movies being like, you know, people like camping out for Marvel for superhero movies... it never made sense to me when they're like cheesy superhero movies.

Cold plunges are a form of performative suffering for wealthy people

It was widely considered like one of the worst parts of our week when like everyone on our team had to do a cold plunge and then out of nowhere it has just become widely known as like the best thing that people are like paying to go do for luxury... life is so easy that they like to do something that makes them feel pain... I heard about this on a podcast.

The hype around being an adult is unmerited; everyone rushes to grow up for no reason

Being an adult, I don't understand the hype on like being an adult. Everyone. You're as growing up. Everyone was like, I can't wait to get older, get older, get older. And I'm like, why are we rushing these things?... I don't get the hype on everyone wanting to age so quickly... I just, not all the aspects are the best.

AI is overhyped and will likely ruin everyone's life

I don't get the hype on ai. I feel like at best it's gonna just like, ruin everyone's life. Except for like a few people who will make all the money... I don't get why anyone is like pro ai... this could be really bad for everyone.

A cracked or shattered iPhone screen is incredibly sexy

The cracked iPhone. It is so sexy... when her iPhone screen is so shattered that she's got like tiny little cuts and abrasions on her thumb from using it. It's so hot. Hot. I got utterly unusable.

A girl throwing with perfect form is one of the hottest things imaginable

Throwing a perfect spiral. It is so sexy. The Kelsey Plum video... A girl throwing with perfect form is so hot. It's a regular thing... when a girl does it, it's so hot.

One of the best parts of getting old is being able to get away with light shoplifting.

Light shoplifting. Just a little bit of light shoplifting. Some of it, when you're old you can kind of just walk out with shit. And people aren't gonna get mad at you. ... Oh, I didn't know. I, I put the, that candy bar in there. ... Whoops.

I can't wait to use a handicapped parking spot when I'm old

Handicapped parking. I can't wait to fucking do it... Primo spots. Oh, I always pass it. I'm like, obviously don't want, I'm very thankful to be able to be able, but if you're old, that's a good, that's a good deal.

One of the best things to look forward to when you're old is watching your enemies die.

Watching your enemies die. I got some enemies that I wouldn't hate seeing die. ... and like the older you get, the better chance you have to watch them die.

Riding a bike as an adult is overrated compared to being good at golf

Guess what? Riding a bike. Overrated When you become adult. Golf is way more useful. Like I would trade being able to ride a bike for being able to golf well instantly.

Quitting a job you hate is the best feeling in the world

Our last pick, we're gonna take quitting. No better feeling. Quitting is so satisfying. It's the best feeling. If you ever quit a job you don't like, best fucking feeling in the world.

Quiche is a superior breakfast food to frittata

I like quiche. I like quiche. I think [it] is superior. Superior to frittata. The pie crust, it's quiche. I like quiche.

Italian food in Italy is far superior to American-Italian food.

American food is meant to be had in a chain restaurant... Italian food in Italy is better than American food in America. Correct. I have never been to Italy, but I imagine.

Con Air is a bad movie because the plot is ridiculous

Our first pick is going to be Conair. Mm. I feel like that's a good movie. It's a really, but you think about the plot of the movie. It's bad.

Nobody cares about your fantasy football team

The first pick [for Mount Rushmore of things people don't care about], we will take your fantasy team. Don't care about your fantasy team. It's a good pick. When I say it to someone, I'm like, this is the most boring thing I could possibly tell someone.

Nobody cares about the NBA All-Star Game

NBA All Star Game. Do not care. Do not care at all. Fun to complain about, but it's just, it's the do not care at all. No one cares.

Disney World with kids is the absolute worst place in the world to be violently hungover

Disney World with kids would be hell on earth. Because then you actually actively have to parent and chase them around and worry about where they're being and stand in lines and eat gross food. I actually don't think that there's, I've never been to Disney World as a kid or an adult, but I think that might be the worst place in the world.

Construction workers are the groundwork of civilization and deserve more credit

So much infrastructure to the entire, everything that we do. This building, all of our homes, all, all of the establishments we go to. I mean, it's everywhere. The groundwork of civilization, all the construction workers is deserve so much credit.

Michelangelo is the best Ninja Turtle because he is the only true 'party dude' and stays chill

Michelangelo Ninja Turtle party dude. Party dude. He literally just eats pizza and parties. And I think extremely true. I think as much as Raphael wants to fuck April O'Neal, I think, I think Michelangelo is what? April? O'Neal. Lusts after... He's a part, literally is a party dude. He's always trying to keep everyone chill.

It is embarrassing for a grown man to wear a bike helmet

You just can't, you just look like a fucking fool and you look like an idiot. Especially when you get off the bike and you're like, walking without the bike.

Getting hit in the head with a ball is always embarrassing regardless of the situation

Getting hit in the head with a ball, no matter how it happens, is always embarrassing. Like I'm saying, you could be playing catch it hits you in the head. That's very embarrassing. But even when we're playing hoops out here and like everyone's shooting around and you're not even looking and the ball hits you in the back of the head, you're embarrassed.

It's embarrassing for a person to use an umbrella even though it's better than getting wet

Holding an umbrella... even though it's obviously way better than being wet... there's something about holding an umbrella that just sucks.

Jack Doherty is a '1-1' pick for people who need to be punched in the face

Jack Doherty's our pick. That guy needs to get punched so fucking bad. I several times I consume his work, I just see him on Twitter and I hate him. He goes around with his bodyguards fucking with people... as far as internet people go, he's 1-1.

Memorial Day is the best weekend of the year

Memorial Day weekend's the best is the best weekend of the year. Hank knows start of the summer.

October is the clear 1.1 pick for best sports month

I'll take October first... October's one one... October's so good. October has, I've become everything. I've become more of an October boy.

It is a soft move to block people on Twitter during an argument

Blocking people on Twitter during an argument. I understand people block people on Twitter, but when someone will get in an argument and then just block the person when like they're about to reply. That's the softest thing in the world.

Secretariat was definitely on steroids

I'm gonna take Secretariat. Some would say the the greatest athlete of all time. But its heart was like three times too big. We've documented that tirelessly on this show. Secretariat definitely on steroids. Randy Moss, white, Randy Moss agreed. Chances are very, very high.

McDonald's French fries are definitively yellow

McDonald's French fries are yellow. If you were to give a little kid an outline of French fries and told him to color it, they would get the yellow crayon to color it. Thank you, Hank.

Mick Foley (Mankind) is the toughest person ever

I'm gonna go with Mankind, Mick Foley, toughest dude ever fucking going. When he got slammed on a bed of tacks from Undertaker from the top of the Hell in a Cell... he is literally the toughest.

I wish I were still young enough to have wet dreams because they were like awesome virtual reality

Having a wet dream... I wish those rocked. It was basically virtual reality and it was awesome. But you can't do it anymore... I haven't had a wet dream since I was 12 years old.

I used to think that if you dug a deep enough hole in the ground, you would eventually reach China

If you dug deep enough you could reach China. I honestly thought that I could... every kid and I I was probably is is that wrong? ... I looked this up a couple months ago. It's actually embarrassing how shallow the deepest hole ever dug is.

I used to think that kissing was the same thing as having sex

Kissing equals sex... that I thought for a long time. That's a really good one. That's how you thought babies were made... whether you say sex or go, they're kissing. I was like, oh, they're naked kissing... because you would watch a movie and they would [kiss] and then whatever.

TV reruns are actually actors performing the exact same script live for a second time

I used to think that when you'd watch a rerun of a show on TV, that it was an all new taping of the exact same script... I thought that like, I'd be watching Saved by the Bell... They're doing the same song, but they're just taping it again for us.

I used to think my testicles were made of Play-Doh and that eating actual Play-Doh would make them grow bigger

I thought my balls, my testicles were Play-Doh. So when my parents told me don't eat Play-Doh, I thought they were trying to be like, Hey don't eat Play-Doh because your balls will just get bigger because it will just go right to your balls... You just don't know what they are when you're a little kid and you start touching 'em, you're like, this is weird. I'm like, oh, it must be Play-Doh.

I used to believe that all adults were smart and understood exactly what was going on

I honestly used to think that every adult was smart. I thought if you were grown up, you knew what was going on. And then you grow up and you're like, we're all dumb. No, we're all really fucking dumb. I was probably smarter when I was a kid than I am now.

Nutty Bars are a top-tier snack pick

Gonna go with Nutty Bars. Love them. Love them. Yeah. You know that You'll get my vote on that. It's a solid pick.

Doritos are the best snack

I will go with Doritos. Cool Ranch Doritos are my favorite. Doritos are the best. They really are the best.

You would choose pizza over donuts for the rest of your life because you can't eat donuts every day

If it's pizza or donuts for the rest of your life, you'd have to take pizza. Like, I'm just being honest, like I love donuts, but you can't eat donuts every day. You could eat pizza almost every day.

Pie is vastly superior to cake as a dessert

I'm more of a pie guy than I'm a cake guy. I think pie clears cake all day. Birthday cake. Pretty decent pie. Vastly superior.

Ice cream is vastly superior to cake for birthday celebrations

Ice cream is better than cake. Why don't they just do ice cream at every birthday? No, they do cake way more than ice cream at a birthday. [Ice cream] is better.

The tennis ball is the most versatile ball for individual use

Tennis balls I think are more versatile than a baseball or a golf ball. If you had the option to be left alone with a tennis ball, a golf ball or baseball... it's tennis ball all day. You throw it against the wall, bounce it off the ground, throw it up to yourself.

A bowl is a perfect delivery vessel because you never have a bad meal served in one

There's nothing really that you have a bad bowl of. You know what I mean? When you're getting, when you're getting a bowl out, you're getting just good. It's like soup, ice cream. Cereal. A bowl delivers great things.