Takes

Jimmy Garoppolo's date with a porn star was actually a charity auction win

The porn star won an auction, a charity auction, to spend an evening with Jimmy Garoppolo. So he was saving kids' lives by taking the porn star on a date. I don't know if this is true or not. In fact, it sounds exactly like something that you would make up to tell your girlfriend... I'm saying that what actually happened was the porn star paid a couple grand probably for a nice evening out on the town with a nice young quarterback.

Anyone who isn't 'Team Russillo' is on the wrong side of history

This is a heavy one, but you don't want to be on the wrong side of history. So if you're not Team Russillo, you're going to be on – history will not look fondly upon you.

Brock Osweiler helped his teams by keeping the defense on the field

The Texans had a really good defense. And so Osweiler did a great job of keeping their best unit on the field. [Same with the Broncos]. Brock Osweiler knows how to have his team play to its strengths by always keeping the defense on the field.

If you claim you were hacked on Twitter, you should tweet vile things to make it look real

If you want to say you got hacked... before you do that just start tweeting out the craziest most vile swastikas dick pics own it just get go insane the weird links... It's so easy to actually fake like you got hacked instead of just saying, whoops, I got hacked.

Eddie Lacy is only signing with the Seahawks for a Skittles sponsorship

Lacey might just be angling for a Skittles sponsorship. So we saw Marshawn's locker. Maybe Marshawn's locker is still filled with Skittles, and Lacey was like, you guys don't even have to pay me as long as I can live in this locker.

Mike Glennon is going to be great and perfect for the Chicago Bears

Mike Glennon's gonna be great for the Bears he's gonna be perfect and he is exactly he's exactly who the Bears would get in this situation because when you look at all the Bears quarterbacks they all suck... you need the guy who half the city is like, I think he could be okay. And then the rest of the city is like, you guys are all idiots.

The 49ers having no quarterbacks is liberating for Kyle Shanahan's play-calling

If you don't have any quarterbacks on your roster, then there's no chance that Kyle Shanahan is going to be able to call too many passing plays late in a game that they're winning... Shanahan's just taking away his ability to throw the ball too much.

The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine

I think if you're a Dallas Cowboy, you should be allowed to do cocaine. I think that's one of the rules. The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine.

A meteor will wipe out humanity next week, so you shouldn't pay your bookie

Expert says Meteor could wipe out Earth next week, marking the end of humanity. You want to know where the spin zone comes in? Hank, you're in my boat. We've had a tough, tough run of it with the old bookie. End of humanity in a week. Just dodge that call... Do not pay your bookie. You just got to run out the clock here.

Concussions aren't real

But actually concussions aren't real. So I don't know what Tebow is trying to get out there. Little Tebow is not the kind of guy who pretends to believe in stuff that doesn't actually exist.

DeAndre Jordan values an Olympic Gold medal over an NBA ring because he'll never win a championship

I like it because Carmelo [Anthony] and DeAndre [Jordan] are both guys who are kind of talented. But they're probably never going to win a championship unless they change teams. So what better way for DeAndre to capitalize on the surge of patriotism... than to say, yeah, you know what? It's all about the medal.

Trent Richardson being cut is good because it starts his Hall of Fame eligibility clock sooner

Great news for Richardson. Now the clock can start on his five-year eligibility until he can get into the Hall of Fame. So he can get it in 2021 instead of 2022.

The St. Louis Cardinals 'statement loss' is a ridiculous spin by a losing team

My favorite team in Major League Baseball, St. Louis Cardinals, they had a statement loss against my actual favorite team, the Cubs, on Wednesday. They showed determination and grit, that's a quote, when they lost to the Cubs. Colton Wong said, 'I think we still made a statement in the loss.' In the loss? Don't let the Cardinals get too hot with all these statement losses they're throwing out there.

Stanley Johnson is actually in LeBron James' head by making LeBron think he's crazy

So you're thinking LeBron has probably read this and was like – like laughed it off, like, ha, ha, ha, ha, Stanley Johnson thinks he's in my head. And then there was a quick pause, and he's like, uh – maybe he is. I don't know.

Meth Johnny Manziel would be better than weed Johnny Manziel because you want him on edge

I would put meth Johnny Manziel over weed Johnny Manziel because weed would mellow him out too much... you want Johnny like on edge, right? You want him to be running around a little bit. The best plays that he had when he was in college were like, he was tweaking almost like he was just panicked.