Takes

LeBron James will not sign with the Houston Rockets because he hates the city

Houston is my hot seat because the word on the street from, directly from LeBron James' lips. During the season when they were in Houston, he hates Houston as a city... The strip malls? The congestion? When you pull up Google Maps and it's just a ring of red... I believe that he hates Houston. I'm taking them off. We're officially taking them off the Pardon My Take big board for LeBron.

LeBron James is signing with the Lakers now that Bronny has enrolled in an LA school

Gary Payton, recurring guest Gary Payton, is saying that LeBron, Bronnie Jr. has enrolled at a school, private school in L.A... My two favorite things about free agency... is school updates where the kids are going to go to school and then realtor updates. Who's looking for houses where?

The Warriors' owner took a direct shot at Kevin Durant by saying Steph Curry 'earned' his deal

[The Warriors owner] said Steph Curry, though, has earned the right to get whatever deal he wants because he's been there since when they were bad and saying that Steph Curry earned it, which is a direct shot at Kevin Durant.

LeBron James is breaking his social media blackout by using his wife's Instagram

LeBron James, who said he's not going on social media one time the entire playoffs... decided that after the Eastern Conference Finals that he was going to do an Instagram takeover on his wife's Instagram account, which to me seems like he was on social media and not focusing on the biggest series of his life.

Lauri Markkanen will average 50 points per game by his eighth season

Dirk's peak was 26 points per game. If you do the math, by Lauri's eighth season, he's going to be averaging 50 points a game.

Adam Silver is a narc for reporting email threats to the police

Adam Silver, he turns out he's a narc... Everyone thought that Adam Silver was the cool commissioner. But if he's so cool, how come he called the police on the guy that threatened to murder him? And had him arrested.

Kyrie Irving won't be happy that the Celtics are 'Brad Stevens' Team'

Kyrie's not going to be happy that this is Brad Stevens' team. Kyrie left Cleveland because it wasn't his team. And now he's gone somewhere else, still not his team. You think LeBron sends Kyrie a U-up text tonight?

LeBron James will probably lose to the Pacers in the first round (but maybe not)

Not only is [LeBron James] about to lose to the Pacers in the first round, which will be embarrassing for him... Probably not.

The Sixers are easy to guard in the playoffs because Ben Simmons can't shoot

Ben Simmons can't shoot, so if you just take them out of his hands, it's a lot easier to guard a team with four players instead of five.

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather to try and bond with LeBron James

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather... He's getting on LeBron's level. They're going to have a lot to talk about. They're going to sit next to each other on plane rides and just talk about Fredo.

The Rockets can take down the Warriors if they stay hot and the Celtics steal one on the road

I am officially saying, as of this date, January 31st, I'm a believer that the Rockets, if they get hot for a couple games... Hank was explaining how the Celtics can beat the Warriors in the NBA Finals... you just win two games and then you just get lucky for two games... I'm a believer if they get hot at the right time, they're going to take down the Warriors.

Dirk Nowitzki is just a poor man's Lauri Markkanen

Fastest player in history to 100 3-pointers, Lauri Markkanen, the Finn Reaper... I actually think it's reversed now. Dirk is just a junkyard Lauri. He's a poor man's [Lauri].

LaVar Ball is disrupting everything as a small business owner

I love every second of it. LaVar Ball pisses off. Because it's like he's disrupting everything. He's created his own shoe company. He's going to create his own league. Like everything he does is just a small business owner just saying fuck you to the big guys. And guess what? People want to watch.

The Celtics are saving the NBA and the league's viewership growth is because of them

NBA viewership's up like 32%. Celtics are the best team in basketball, so basically the Celtics are saving the NBA.

The Celtics have officially overtaken the Patriots as the heart of Boston

My hot seat is the New England Patriots. They're no longer the best team in Boston anymore. The Celtics have won 14 straight. They've captured the heart of the city. Many people are asking who's going to be the next team to lose, the Patriots or the Celtics. I honestly don't know.

Kyrie Irving is significantly better than Isaiah Thomas

I think we need to find every single person who thought that the Kyrie trade wasn't good and ban them from ever watching basketball again. Because Kyrie Irving is so fucking good. And all the people that flipped out about Fultz... Kyrie Irving is... he was finishing at the rim in ways that it took my breath away.

Joel Embiid is a bad contract because his knees won't let him play

They just paid Joel Embiid like $150 million, even though his knees are terrible and he's probably not going to play.

Malcolm Gladwell would probably beat LeBron James in a long-distance foot race

LeBron got challenged by Malcolm Gladwell to a foot race... These fucking nerds, all they do is they go and find the biggest alpha on the block... they're like, hey, I'll challenge you to this sport that's not a sport and we'll make it really long distance so you get super tired. And I honestly can see Malcolm Gladwell winning. Nerds are always faster because they have to run from their bullies from a young age.

The 'TNT Bulls' home winning streak technically survives because the NBA was too cowardly to schedule them on TNT

The NBA has run away, cowards. They have not scheduled the Bulls, the Chicago Bulls, on TNT Thursday night this year... Alternative facts, the Bulls really fucking suck, and they probably didn't want to put them on national television. But nonetheless, the record, the 20 straight home wins on TNT, you can't lose if you don't play.

Derrick Rose signing with the Cavs is sad and marks the end of his relevancy

Derrick Rose just signed with the Cavs... He's going to be LeBron's little sidekick. Is he going to be Robin? It's very sad how his career has turned out. $2.1 million to play with a guy that he absolutely despised when he was in Chicago.

If Derrick Rose stays healthy this season, the Cavaliers will win the NBA Championship

A lot of people are going to say, if Derrick Rose can stay healthy this year, then the Cavs are going to win. As a matter of fact, if there's anybody out there that's like a deadbeat dad in Cleveland... if Derrick Rose can play a full season... then I'll be your real dad.

The Bulls front office vote for Executive of the Year was a self-vote by Gar Foreman

Gar Foreman, he got a single vote for executive of the year. ... I still think it was himself I think it was himself it's like James Harden getting one vote for defensive player of the year yeah survey says it was himself

Brad Stevens is coaching for his job because the #1 pick brings higher expectations

My hot seat is Brad Stevens. We advance another round. It means he has at least four more games. He's coaching for his job out there. And the number one pick. That's higher expectations.

Scott Brooks is still an awful coach in big games

Scott Brooks, kind of a good coach. And then, like, they watched him in the playoffs... Oh, yeah, Scott Brooks. Oh, yeah, he's still awful. Oh, shit, he just tried to play John Wall and Bradley Beal 24 minutes in a game seven in the second half. Like, oh, yeah. Turns out he is a shitty coach still.

Doc Rivers will be fired by the Los Angeles Clippers

My other hot seat is nepotism because I think that Doc Rivers is going to get fired.

LeVar Ball will eventually replace Luke Walton as the Lakers' head coach

In about two years when LeVar Ball gets Luke Walton out as a Lakers coach and takes over as coach. That's going to be great.

Tyronn Lue has Stockholm Syndrome and has absorbed LeBron James's mentality

It sounds to me like he [Tyronn Lue] has Stockholm Syndrome. Because this is something that LeBron James would say about himself. Like, leading this Cavs team is the hardest job... I think he's kind of absorbed his stars mentality a little bit.

Paul George's rivalry with LeBron James is completely manufactured

All rivalries pale in comparison to the Paul George-LeBron James rivalry. ... Paul George said that his rivalry with LeBron James is for the culture. ... a crazy rivalry that I don't think anyone including LeBron James knew existed. ... it's kind of like what we're doing with that snowflake cuck Mark Cuban just creating a rivalry out of nowhere.

LeBron James is a coward for not participating in the NBA Dunk Contest

LeBron James that's not in the dunk contest again. Kind of a coward move. Michael Jordan was in the dunk contest. Back in the day, you had your best athletes in it. Vince Carter. You had your Vinces, your J.R. Smiths. You had everybody.

Phil Jackson is only at the Knicks because James Dolan is a sucker

I respect [Phil Jackson] for spotting the sucker in the room and basically saying, oh, James Dolan wants me to come and work for him, and I don't have to move, and I don't have to do anything, and he's going to pay me millions of dollars. What's the worst going to happen?

Brad Stevens is on the hot seat

My hot seat, Brad Stevens. He's 5-5. He's coming into the season, predicted to be number two. He's coaching for his job.

A team of college basketball players could beat an NBA team because they try harder

NBA players don't try. They don't try like the college kids... I can't be the only one who thinks that a team of college players could put together a team and beat an NBA team. At least they would try harder.

Mike Brown is the ultimate hot seat guy and a sacrificial lamb for the Warriors

Mike Brown's the ultimate hot seat guy. And I actually like this move by the Warriors, by Steve Kerr. Got to have a hot seat guy around. So if Kevin Durant starts to falter, if this team, this super team doesn't do so well, Mike Brown's going to be the first to go. Also, Mike Brown is a sacrificial lamb. He stumbles out of bed every morning on the hot seat.