Takes

Ohio State's program lacks class compared to Michigan

My hot seat is Ohio State. I'm sorry. The Ohio State University. We went to Michigan today. We met with Jim Harbaugh. It was great... All class exuding from the campus on Ann Arbor, unlike those guys down in Columbus. I'm just saying. They could – You still can rectify it. We're going to Columbus today. I don't want to be too mean to the guys in Columbus, but I'm just saying you guys are behind right now.

Lane Kiffin is thinking too hard

Lane's thinking too hard. Let's just say that. He's thinking a little too hard.

Coach Orgeron will have a five to ten year reign of dominance at LSU

I think that this performance by LSU's draft picks, that's going to push Coach O's recruiting over the top. I'm going to predict a five to ten year reign of dominance for Coach O by [Leonard] Fournette and Jamal Adams.

Mike Gundy has decided to be a crazy person for the rest of his career as a branding move

I think what happened was he went out and he saw how good it felt to say something crazy and be perceived as like a crazy dangerous person in public that he's like you know what I'm just going to be fucking nuts for the rest of my career that's my brand that's what I'm going with I'm going to out crazy Mike Leach.

Atlanta is primarily a college football town rather than a pro sports town

It is a football town. I mean, you know, it's more of a college football state it really is... Saturdays in the fall are all about them dogs. That's by Alabama, the University of Georgia.

As President, I would start a MAC spring football season on the Monday after the first round of March Madness

If I ever become president, the Monday after the first round of the tournament, we start the MAC spring football season. It's a three-day season. I don't care. Just give me something. You can't give us nonstop betting action for four days straight and then just snatch it from our little hands.

Jim Harbaugh's enthusiasm for his own colonoscopy makes him a 'basic bitch'

Jim Harbaugh, who yesterday tweeted, 'attacking this day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind before my 1:30 p.m. colonoscopy.' I also like it because he's kind of a basic bitch. He has like a black and white picture of him smiling in the middle of a street in Ann Arbor. Like, 'hey, I'm about to go get my butthole fingered.'

Jim Harbaugh should not be attacking the day with enthusiasm before a colonoscopy; he needs to let his butthole relax

I'm pretty sure your doctor's orders before that procedure include do not attack this day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind. Like that's a day that you just chill out for a while. Like let your butthole just kind of relax.

I believe some college coaches will 'cover the spread' to keep their alumni happy

I think the answer to your question is yes. I don't want to hedge on it. I think that there have been coaches certainly in the past who would cover for the alumni in a certain situation.

Kentucky football will go 8-4 in 2017

I think they're going 8-4. You know, they beat Louisville this year, went to a bowl for the first time.

Baker Mayfield will get NFL starts solely because he has an all-time great name

I'm going to put a little flyer on Baker Mayfield. You guys know I'm a big name guy. All-time name. That name is going to get him some starts in the NFL. People are going to take some shots with Baker Mayfield solely because of his name.

Brian Kelly knows he is on the hot seat at Notre Dame

Brian Kelly knows that he's on the hot seat. I mean, the people in the facility, the players and the coaches know that if they don't improve, things are going to change. So going into this year, Brian Kelly knows that he has to improve, and hopefully they can.

Chip Kelly will try to steal someone's job as a behind-the-scenes villain at Alabama

If there's somebody who's able to undermine and sneak around and steal somebody's job, it's definitely Chip. Chip is a behind-the-scenes Shakespearean villain. He's going to be doing everything that he can to make sure he gets that job.

Alabama could win 10 games with my dick as offensive coordinator

At the very least, Chip's going to win 10 games at Alabama because Alabama could win 10 games with my dick at offensive coordinator.

If a coach with personal issues wants to rehab their career, they should go work for Nick Saban

This is PR 101 in general for any coaches out there who might have a drinking problem... Lane Kiffin looking at you. If you want to be rehabbed, go to Nick Saban. Let Nick Saban scream in your face in front of the nation on Saturday afternoons on CBS... and you'll be back on track.

Butch Jones' 'five-star hearts' recruiting philosophy is a spin for missing out on actual talent

Butch Jones, Tennessee, they're back... Butch Jones said this after maybe a less than stellar recruiting class: 'We want five-star hearts and five-star competitors.' So he's not looking for five-star recruits. He's looking for five-star hearts.

Tennessee will start the next season 3-0 and then lose every remaining game

Tennessee. They're going to start 3-0 and then lose all the rest of their games. And then pretend to like that stupid color orange. No offense.

Jim Harbaugh's story about being hit by a mail truck as a kid is probably fake

Jim Harbaugh was Hit by a mail truck driver When he was 7 years old And he found the mail truck driver Nearly 50 years later In Iowa... This is a fake story. This is a fake story by Jim Harbaugh because this is... you can't come up with a story that's more Jim Harbaugh than this.

Michigan football counts national championships they won before black people were allowed to play

Michigan football counts all the national championships they won before they let black people play.

Lane Kiffin was happy to see Alabama lose the National Championship because humans love to see bad things happen to their exes

The second you move on from [a relationship], there's a small part of you that will always love to see bad things happen to that person... And Lane Kiffin is, by all accounts, a much bigger dick than normal people. So you have to believe that he was popping bottles.

Alabama recruits should be upgraded from Dodge Chargers to Mercedes

Fair or not, Nick Saban should stop giving everyone, all his recruits, Dodge Chargers... Maybe upgrade them to the Mercedes, the new Mercedes, please.

The South only has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson once college football season ends

Basically the South has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson. [College football] is the South's real time to shine.

Nick Saban probably hasn't been to a dentist in 30 years and just deals with the pain

Nick Saban, he hasn't been to a dentist in 30 years. And he's had cavity pain for all 30 years. ...He just deals with it. He's like, my mouth hurts. ...Day in, day out. That's just what happens.

Lane Kiffin is a 'child' and a 'loser' who air-mailed the national semifinal

Lane Kiffin is a child. And Nick Saban tried to nurture him and be a father figure. And in the end, he punched Saban in the mouth on the way out... I think it was the fact that Lane Kiffin, and this is hard to imagine, this statement I'm about to make, literally air-mailed in the national semifinal in college football. It's like he didn't bother... I just think he's a loser.

Lane Kiffin is toxic and will never get hired by another school that matters

I argued in favor of Kiffin for a long time. I really liked him. But in being down at the national championship and being with all the people that matter in college athletics, he's even more toxic today than he was a year ago because of this incident. I don't think anyone else will hire him. He would have to upset somebody of epic proportion to get on a radar screen of a school that really mattered.

Picking Alabama to win every game isn't being a homer, it's just being smart

The reason I like Alabama, and don't laugh, I've picked Alabama in every single game since the Iron Bowl in 2010... And that doesn't make me a homer. It just makes me smart. Because you guys know how many times Alabama has won since 2011.

Michigan fans are the most arrogant and elitist fan base in college football

It's Michigan. But Michigan, first of all, it's a good school. But it's not Harvard. They think they are not. Michigan fans, Michigan graduates are just the most arrogant, elitist... The fans talk like it's Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and Caltech wrapped into one. It's not. It's a good school that's won a half a national championship in 60 years.

I would bet against Michigan making the College Football Playoff in the near future

I wouldn't lock that down. I mean, it's possible, but I'm not going to be one of these, well, anything's possible. Well, not really. I would probably bet against Michigan [making the final four].

Nick Saban seriously considered taking the Texas head coaching job

I know he seriously considered going to Texas. I reported in a book that I did... that a group of Texas supporters floated a hundred million dollar offer to him. ...I think he listened.

Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football

I think Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football. I really do. I think Charlie Weis was better than Brian Kelly. He was more hilarious. I don't totally disagree. No, you're right about that. I mean, he was expensive from a food standpoint. But I think Notre Dame can afford a couple of extra buffets, but Brian Kelly, I mean, he really... anyone's cooler than Brian Kelly.

Nick Saban owns Mercedes dealerships in Alabama and Tennessee

[Saban] does own two Mercedes dealerships... one in Birmingham and... he owns one in Nashville. He's a part owner of them. I don't mean to say he's a total silent owner... it's public.

Alabama will win and cover the -6.5 spread against Clemson in the National Championship

Six and a half is the spread. I'm going with Paul. Going Alabama. [PFT]: Clemson. [Big Cat]: I will take Alabama.

The Ohio State vs. Clemson total will go over 28.5 points

I like Ohio State's team total over. I think it's like 28 and a half. They're definitely going to score. They'll crush that.

Nick Saban should have his man card revoked for getting a massage because of neck pain from watching film

Nick had to go out there and get a massage because he watched too much film and hurt his neck. So take his man card, Hank.

Nick Saban is using Hitler-style propaganda to motivate Alabama

This is actually a real technique that Hitler used. To just make up fake news and pretend that you're oppressed. It's called propaganda. Saban's Goebbels. So you're in charge of thinking of all these bad things to say about Alabama.

Chip Kelly will be the offensive coordinator for LSU

I'm just going to put this out here. Chip Kelly to LSU. Offense coordinator? I'm just saying, Chip Kelly to LSU, even though him and Coach O, they don't speak the same language.

Star players only sit out bowl games when the bowl has poor leadership

If those two clowns of bowls [the Citrus Bowl and the Sun Bowl] had actual leadership running the show, I don't think that the star players would be sitting out.

Kirk Herbstreit's take on players sitting out bowl games is invalid because he wasn't an NFL prospect

[Kirk Herbstreit] forgot to mention the fact that he only started one season at Ohio State and he wasn't good enough to play in the NFL, so that wasn't even an option for him.

I have no problem with players sitting out bowl games because the system is corrupt

I have no problem with any of these guys sitting out any of the bowls... I like players taking care of themselves when the system is corrupt.

The Heisman represents the player with the biggest campaign, not the best player

Let's not call it the best college football player because it doesn't represent the best college football player. It represents the guy with the biggest campaign who happens to touch the ball.

The NCAA is struggling so much that they cannot even afford to pay their labor costs

If you paid attention last week, they announced that I think four bowl games this year didn't have a sponsor. So thoughts and prayers to the NCAA. I don't know how they're going to make any money with all their labor costs being what they are.

Mark Dantonio's approach to fixing Michigan State's problems by 'firing himself' is a great PR move

Mark Dantonio... he fired himself, kind of. He said, to be honest with you, I've taken the approach of, hey, I'm a new coach coming in here. I'm going to fix the things that the other guy did last year... and that's how I'm going to take the approach.

A college football coach shouldn't be fired if there's a 'rat' in the building selling plays

So if you missed the story, literally the radio guy for Wake Forest has been selling playbooks and insider information to all of Wake Forest's opponents for the last three years. I didn't know anyone needed help to beat Wake Forest... You can't fire a coach if there's been a rat in the building, right?

Lane Kiffin took the FAU job in Boca Raton as 'self-limiting behavior' because the women there are too old to hit on

Here's my spin zone for Lane Kiffin taking this job in Boca Raton. If he wants to go fuck any guy's wife, it's probably like a 100-year-old woman, so he's not going to do it. It's kind of like self-limiting behavior... Lane Kiffin's not going to go to a place where he just wants to cuck every dude he sees. It's like if you're an alcoholic, go take a job in Utah.

Lamar Jackson should write a Players' Tribune article announcing he is 'returning' to college (even though he has to)

Write an article for Players' Tribune saying that you're coming back to college. And say, 'hey, after talking it over with my family, doing a lot of prayer... I've decided that the right move for me at this time is to return to Louisville.' Because [he's] not eligible for the NFL.

The Heisman Trophy should just be awarded to the first five picks in the NFL Draft

My Mike Greenberg dumb rule, they should just make the Heisman the first five picks in the NFL draft. So instead of picking the best college player, give us the best, the guys who are going to be in the draft.

Heisman winners should be eligible for the NFL Draft regardless of age

Whoever wins the Heisman should be eligible for the draft no matter what. If they're a freshman, it's your golden ticket.

The Big 12 needs a championship game to avoid being shunned by the playoff committee

The 13th game. That's important. ... if [Oklahoma] could have won their last nine games and then played in a championship game, another high-profile game, I think matters. Those guys that play 13 games and they get hot, they have an opportunity to be able to move up. And the Big 12 has fixed that. So next year at this time we'll be playing a championship game.

Mike Leach is a brilliant jack-of-all-trades who knows a little bit about everything

No, he's brilliant. I mean, he thinks he knows everything about everything. The truth of the matter is he knows a little bit about everything. ... He stays up all night long, watches documentary after documentary, and reads books and doesn't sleep very much.

Complaints about there being too many college football bowl games are invalid

Shut the fuck up, people who complain about too many bowls. Oh, there's too much football. Free football is always good. If there's something, oh my God, I don't want to have another game I can bet on on a Tuesday afternoon when I don't want to talk to my family over the holiday season. Shut up.