Takes

The 'Uncrustable Diet' is the perfect way to get in shape for age 40

I'm trying a new diet that I think I invented, which is strictly Uncrustables. ... My meal plan is, I eat four Uncrustables a day. ... I think that the Uncrustable is probably the perfect snack. The perfect meal, the perfect everything.

The replacement of Sierra Mist with Starry is a handout to 'Big Corn'

This does feel like a Biden special... This is a big handout to Big corn. Yeah. To the corn syrup market. Because Sierra Mist was made with real sugar while Starry uses high fructose corn syrup.

Eating 14 hot dogs in 12 hours is not a lot of food

When you say 14 hot dogs in 12 hours isn't that much. It's not. That's a fat ass statement. Not that you're a fat ass, but... it's really just dealing with Stu Feiner all the time.

Cold pasta has no carbs or calories

Here's a, here's a little fun fact for everyone as a nutritionist, pasta cold pasta has no carbs. So that's just a fact for everyone out there. No carbs, no calories, cold pasta. You can, whenever you eat cold pasta, the next day you could just eat so much of it.

Boneless wings are slow-twitch muscles and bone-in wings are fast-twitch

Boneless wings are slow Twitch muscles and bone in wings are fast Twitch muscles. In terms of on the chicken... I think it has more higher mineral density.

You must eat only white cheese if you want to live to 100

I had a cab driver once from LaGuardia who was like, if you want to live to 100, you got to eat only white cheese. He's like, the minute you eat yellow cheese, you're going to kill yourself... He said it was such authority that I was like, damn. He must be right.

Queso is technically a soup because it's a liquid served in a bowl

I think queso's the soup... You use like chips, which are basically spoons. They're edible spoons. Yeah, it's bread. It's like the bread that comes with soup. I think queso's the soup.

There is no difference between 1%, 2%, and whole milk.

Drinking whole milk is disgusting... I do [drink it]... I bet you big guy, we do a taste test, I would be able to... there's no difference.

If you don't like mayonnaise, you are probably homophobic and misogynistic

If you don't like mayo, you're actually, well, and also, you're probably kind of homophobic and a little misogynistic. Because you're just like, your masculinity is threatened by having this creamy, delicious spread just down your throat.

Since pickles are green, a Dilly Dog is basically a salad

No, I like it [Dilly Dog]. You can put anything in a pickle. And guess what? Since pickles are green, it's basically a salad. If you wrap anything in green, boom. Healthy.

Coleslaw is both a salad and a liquid that keeps you hydrated

Coleslaw is the rare food that is both a salad and a liquid at the same time. So if you eat enough coleslaw, you stay hydrated.

Asparagus is poison and green vegetables are generally bad for you

Asparagus is poison. Green vegetables are poison... It's the worst vegetable. Like asparagus is disgusting. And then you eat it and your body's like, yo, dude, just a reminder what you just ate. That was really disgusting. Here's some disgusting piss.

IPAs are estrogenic and make you grow breasts

It is a proven fact that IPAs are estrogenic and make you grow tits.

Honey mustard will eventually go the way of the sun-dried tomato

Honey mustard... I feel that it likely is going to ultimately go the way of the sun-dried tomato... Sun-dried tomato had about half a dozen years at the top... then just vanished. Honey mustard, it's fine it's here now, but I won't miss it when it's gone tomorrow.