Takes

Inhaled 'Protein Hookah' will revolutionize bro culture

A doctor claims that inhaled protein enters the bloodstream faster and absorb more efficiently. It's kinda like weed. All I'm saying is like keep your eye on this technology. Because it has the opportunity to revolutionize bro culture.

Society has gotten too soft — kids need dodgeball, the SAT, and pressure to build real toughness

The fact that we're not playing dodgeball in gym class, and even there should be some type of standardized tests. What happened to the SAT? Like we've gotten so soft on young people that you don't even have to go through like the pressure and stress of having to prepare for that test, take that test, have to get some type of a number. Or dodgeball in gym class. You don't think that this is gonna make people tougher and more resilient? Greater fortitude, be prepared to handle the things that come up in life, the ability to compete, have to respond from failure, deal with pressure.

Golf carts should replace cars as the primary mode of transportation for non-highway use

What is your thoughts on maybe moving away from cars and really locking in on the golf cart as transportation A to B and only using cars highway use only. So like neighborhoods outside of that. We're just using golf carts on an everyday basis for travel.

High Point is not a real school; it is a four-year post-high school vacation

High Point isn't a real school. It's vacation. It's vacation use four years of post high school vacation... Students in Madison right now still have another like, solid month and a half of Winter. High Point is going and eating ice cream and in their shorts and flip flops and having steaks.

I need to get into a car accident that totals my car so I have an excuse to buy a new one

I need to get in an accident that totals this car so that I have no choice but to get a new car. I want to get a sick car. That way I don't even have a choice.

Adults who wear swim shirts at the pool look like children

If you wear a swim shirt as an adult, you just you look like a child. They shouldn't sell adult swim shirts. I agree. No shirts belong everywhere but in the water.

I am against prenups because marriage should be forever

I'm against prenups. Because if you're getting married, you're never—you're getting married to be together forever. If you really love someone, the money shouldn't matter.

Laser tag is a children's game and it's terrible for adults

Why were you playing laser tag as an adult? Laser tag sucks. It's a children's game. I guarantee you I've played more laser tag in the last five years than any of you guys... every laser tag, the guns don't work. You hit someone and it doesn't register.

A joint bachelor/bachelorette party is a 'pre-crime' indicating a lack of trust

If you do a joint bachelor bachelorette party, you just, that's pre-crime. That's the most insane thing possible. It's, it's, it's not, it's bad, bad behavior. It's, it's, that means you just don't trust each other.

The half marathon is a joke of a race that isn't a 'real' accomplishment

Half marathon's gotta be the lamest thing to break. Call it a 10,000, what is it? 10,000 meters. Half marathon is bullshit. Make it a full marathon or make it a 10K. It's just a joke. It is a joke of a race. In principle it is a joke.

I will commit to soccer if the USA wins the World Cup

If we win the World Cup, I will, I will commit to soccer... If we win the World Cup, I'll get a cat with [Hank]. We'll both get cats. If we win the World Cup.

Peptides are the play for weight loss and health in 2026

Through some limited extensive research, I think part of my peptides might be the play. All the hot people online are just like, 'these are what you need to do. Take these peptides, you'll lose a bunch of weight.'

I am facing a potential '10-day termination' from my apartment after a meeting with my landlord

Had a really constructive meeting with my building... but he introduced a new term. I was not familiar with a 10 day termination... next time it's like, it's a 10 day legal 10 day. Wow. I didn't know 10 day was a thing.

Daily ice cream consumption can reduce diabetes risk by 50%

Ice cream might save the planet. The healthy fats in ice cream can protect you against so many things... 50% reduction in diabetes [from] one serving a day. I believe it.

I will use my bare hand to unclog a toilet at a party if no plunger is available

I have used my hand... I've used my hand in a trash bag. You put your hand in a trash bag... The trash bag works. If you're in a, I mean, I guess in a home it might be tough, but you just, whatever the little trash is next to everyone's got one little trash next to the sink. You just get the trash bag out of there. Dump it hand in. Unplug.

Ava Hudson is the best volleyball player I've ever seen

Ava Hudson was insane. She might be the best volleyball player I've ever seen before in my life. And that's saying a lot.

Billionaires who don't own a professional sports team are losers

I've said it a million times, I think it's a very strong take. If you are a billionaire and you don't own a professional sports team, you're a loser. ... The only reason you get that much money is to go buy a team.

The best way to surprise a girl with a proposal is to do a fake one at a sports game first

The surprise is already over because you already are planning it. ... The only way he could truly surprise you is doing it at a sports game... center court at a mid-tier college basketball game. ... He does a fake proposal to you at a sports game and then he's like 'piss you off! Just kidding!'

My ceiling as a golfer might be higher as a lefty

I might be more... I can maybe my my ceiling is higher. Potentially left-handed more good at golf. My ceiling is higher. Damn. We'll see.

Ayahuasca allows you to have real conversations with your ancestors in another realm

You go back, you go back and you have real conversations with your people. You know, you go to another realm... The medicine brought me places that definitely put me at peace with things that were, I had turmoil in my system.

I am going to read Don Quixote cover to cover

I ordered it, I I'm gonna give it a shot... If I read the entire book cover to cover every single word, I will wipe the debt. Okay... I'm fucking, I'm I'm gonna be done with it by the time the punishment comes around.

I'm officially declaring that tits are back and the era of the 'ass boys' is over

I said, tits are back. I said, the, the ass, the the ass boys had their little run, but tits are all the way back. And people were like, bro, you're fucking 50 and you're talking about this, like, yeah. That's awesome.

I am a better rock skipper than both Big Cat and PFT Commenter

I think I'm better than PFT... I didn't say guaranteed, but I think I am [better than both]. I don't know. I just think I'm, I think I'm a good, I'm, I have a lot of experience skipping rocks.

I will beat Hank in an 18-hole match play golf game for $5,000

I am now very excited about beating you [Hank] at golf and taking the thing that you love the most in this whole world away from you.

A cracked or shattered iPhone screen is incredibly sexy

The cracked iPhone. It is so sexy... when her iPhone screen is so shattered that she's got like tiny little cuts and abrasions on her thumb from using it. It's so hot. Hot. I got utterly unusable.

One of the best parts of getting old is being able to get away with light shoplifting.

Light shoplifting. Just a little bit of light shoplifting. Some of it, when you're old you can kind of just walk out with shit. And people aren't gonna get mad at you. ... Oh, I didn't know. I, I put the, that candy bar in there. ... Whoops.

One of the best things to look forward to when you're old is watching your enemies die.

Watching your enemies die. I got some enemies that I wouldn't hate seeing die. ... and like the older you get, the better chance you have to watch them die.

Planet Earth needs an alien invasion to unite humanity

I've said that about wars and aliens. I think Planet Earth could use a good alien invasion because we're sick of beating each other up. It would unite us. We're sick of hitting each other. We wanna take out [the aliens].

The only way to win at gambling is to bet money lines on favorites

Gambling on sports is the only way to win. But you have to bet the money line... where you only gonna win cents on the dollar. Because teams always win. They just never cover.

Joey Chestnut is a top five athlete of all time

I really do think that Joey Chestnut might be the greatest athlete of all time. I actually like broke it down... however you slice it, he's like top five athlete of all time.

The job of a male OB-GYN is essentially just to mansplain women's bodies to them

Here's a fun fact though. The job of a male [OB-GYN] is to mansplain that— I mean, how the fuck are you supposed to know that? They didn't put any periods in between the letters or anything.

Apple is going to force brain chips on everyone and we'll have no choice but to accept them

I don't want it, but it's coming. It's gonna happen and I'm gonna have to get it... So it's chip or be left behind. Correct. No choice. We just have to chip.

I am the undisputed greatest chess player of all time

I'm not sure I'm the right person to, to ask really, but I don't mind. That's that's completely fine by me... I feel like I'm, I'm getting there. So, that's all I can ask for.

There is currently no clear next dominant chess player among the younger generation

I wanna see somebody among the kids, like really stand out and be a serious threat to be that new number one guy who can actually dominate... with the kids right now, I don't, I don't see it like there are a lot of them are really talented, but it, it is not obvious that some one of them is gonna, is gonna dominate.

I am currently the best at every single format of chess

At the moment I would say that I, I'm definitely the best at every, at every format that we we play. And honestly, my closest competitors are still the, the old guys, guys around my age. So yeah, the kids, they're good, but they're, they're not quite quite there yet.

I would fight Marlon's Man in a Rough N' Rowdy match.

I'm not ashamed to beat up a 68-year-old man... I'll fight you in Rough N' Rowdy Marlon's Man. Balls in your court.

Running a marathon in six hours does not count as finishing a marathon.

People do run marathons in like six hours and then they, and they, and then they post on Instagram... No you didn't. Six hour marathon is not doing it.

Kidney stone pain is worse than childbirth

Also, the doctor again for the second time told me that this pain is worse than childbirth. Which I will not be saying to any women, but it's true... I've given birth to like 13 kidney stones. I'm as tough as Philip Rivers' wife.

It is not gay to take a shower in a gym locker room after a workout

I finally look up, I'm like, is he yelling at me? And he's staring at me... 'bro, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck is this gay shit, bro, you gonna shower?'... I really do. I love Joey Swoll. Love his content. He's the best. Joey, I need you to weigh in on this. Am I outta line? Should, should. Is it gay as shit to shower after you work out?

Cliff Kingsbury buying a one-way ticket to Thailand is the horniest move an adult male can make

I just keep thinking to myself like, this is the place that Cliff Kingsbury bought a one-way ticket to. I think that's the horniest move that an adult male can do. Is to buy a one-way ticket to Thailand.

Hammocks are more afraid of you than you are of them

Hammocks are more afraid of you than you are of them. My take is that that's a fact. Some of us aren't pussies and it's extreme sports. It's like extreme sleeping. Big Mattress is trying to steer you away from hammocks. Anytime somebody dies in a hammock, it becomes a big news story like a shark attack.

Lactose intolerance is a fake condition that everyone actually has

Lactose intolerant... that's fake. It's as fake as fake gets. No, it's fake. Everyone's lactose intolerant. If I eat too much ice cream, my tummy hurts. Am I lactose intolerant? A little bit probably. So everyone is.

Being in a plane crash where no one dies is an awesome experience

Being in a plane crash where no one dies though. Rocks. ... I think it would've been awesome to be like, 'yeah, I was on a plane that flipped and blew up, but I survived.'

Booing national anthems in sports creates healthy bad blood

I'm fine with it. I like the fact that they, that there's some bad blood there. Like for a while. USA Canada, we've been buddy buddy... but to like actually drum up some hate for your opponent, I think is really good. It's awesome.

I can't live with a dog because they are too in-your-face

Dogs are too much for me. I like being around dogs but I couldn't live with a dog. I think they're just too in your face. Just do your own thing for a little bit.

I am a better athlete than Hank at everything

I just have to come to the realization, I'm just a better athlete than [Hank] at everything... I'm mad at myself hand up accountability. I'm just better at than Hank at everything Hand up.

Wooly Mammoths will be cloned and brought back from extinction

My who's back of the week is Wooly Mammoths... There's a company called Colossal Biosciences and they just raised $200 million... to bring back and clone wooly mammoths... Willie Mammoths might be back soon.

I will most likely die in New Orleans if the Commanders win the Super Bowl

If we get to the Super Bowl, if we're lucky enough to win the Super Bowl that night is statistically my most probable night of dying that I think I've ever had in my life. New Orleans Super Bowl victory. I'm 40. That's like, if you look at a pie chart... that would be like 12% of the entire pie that one day.

I am confident I could tackle Booger McFarland if given enough time

I'm confident that I could tackle you [Booger McFarland] if you gave me enough time. ... I would simply want it more. That's the key is you just have to want it more than the other guy. ... I would kind of do the Olay and let him get right by me and then jump on his shoulders and then he'd have to carry me like a backpack and then hopefully slow him down for somebody else.

People who complain about winter are losers and should just move to California

People that bitch about winter are fucking losers. It's cold and it's dark early and also get over it. Don't bitch. Move to California if you don't like it.