Takes

Jamal Murray should claim he has coronavirus to make people forget his accidental sex tape

PR 101 for him. I don't know what you do. You just actually say you have coronavirus. There you go think that really is the only way out. If you say you have coronavirus people will just feel bad for you and then kind of forget that that happened.

I will fight anyone who is genuinely mad about John Rothstein's texts

If you have a problem with John Rothstein texting good luck and most of the time getting left just completely ignored by the coach, come fight us. I will actually punch somebody... open invite to anyone who is mad about this genuinely mad. If you have to actually be mad, we will fight you.

The NFL Network should hire Jeff Fisher to bring them back to mediocrity

Jeff Fisher, he brings the mediocrity back. So you're going from low... To right in the middle. I think Jeff Fisher's the perfect hire.

Jamie Horowitz should have worn a hat to hide his large forehead

Jamie Horowitz... Definitely should have been a hat guy. Should have went with a big hat. He's got a large forehead, and I'm not saying that's why he got fired, but it's the Tom Crean, right? It's like you can't give them an extra reason to fire you... if you have a big forehead that just looks stupid.

Kurt Eichenwald should embrace being the tentacle porn guy on Twitter

I think he just needs to own that block. He needs to be the tentacle porn guy. Just change your avatar to like an octopus... and just put your head right on top.

United Airlines should fix its PR by making people horny with porn links

If you make us horny, guess what? We're not angry anymore... Just tweet out porn. Be like, hey, it's now being reported that this guy was a porn freak or something. Be like, hey, you know who else was a porn freak? United. And then just start giving us free links.

ESPN First Take's ratings are down because Stephen A. Smith failed to kidnap Kevin Durant

So they need some help because First Take, when they lost Skip Bayless, both sides lost. Ratings are down because people realize that Stephen A. Smith wasn't going to back up that talk. They're like, oh, this guy's not going to kidnap anyone.

If you claim you were hacked after a scandal, you must lean into it with more fake hacks

If you are going to go the hacked route, you have to go farther down the rabbit hole of hacked. So you accidentally snap a picture of your penis, then you accidentally snap a picture of a swastika, then you accidentally snap a picture of like you throwing a rock at a pigeon and then you're like shit I got hacked.

Draymond Green should sue Snapchat for entrapment

If I'm Draymond, I would consider suing Snapchat. They made an app that makes it really easy to send dick pics that disappear afterwards. So it's like entrapment.

Johnny Manziel should get fat to regain public sympathy

Fat Johnny Manziel is actually a good way to get some sympathy back... You can't... It's just different when you're fat. People won't call him a scumbag as much... You're lovable when you're fat.

Olympic cancellation rumors are just a PR stunt to remind people the Olympics are happening

I swear to God, they pretend it's canceled the Olympics every Olympics just to remind us the Olympics are coming... how else do you pump everyone up for the Olympics in the beginning of May?... Their whole PR 101 is they just remind you it's happening by scaring the fuck out of everyone.

Retired players should fake-tweet they are returning to the league just to get back into the news cycle

I think more players should start doing this where they just fake tweet that they're coming out of retirement. Just get people talking about him because I didn't even know Jason Campbell was retired... Jeff George should just tweet something racist tomorrow just to get the rush of being like a celebrity again.

Johnny Manziel should become a sports blogger

He needs to become a blogger. He needs to write for the Players' Tribune. I'm sure they'll hire him over there. ... because pretty much all bloggers do all day is they talk about sports and then they get drunk at night. And that seems like it would be like a square peg, square hole situation.

LeBron James will announce he is re-signing with the Cavs by re-following them on Twitter

I actually think what's happening is that LeBron unfollowed the Cavs and that when he signs his option... he's going to announce it by refollowing the Cavs. It's such a shitty, like not cool thing to do, but it's so lame that it perfectly fits something that he would think was a good idea.