Takes

Jamal Murray should claim he has coronavirus to make people forget his accidental sex tape

PR 101 for him. I don't know what you do. You just actually say you have coronavirus. There you go think that really is the only way out. If you say you have coronavirus people will just feel bad for you and then kind of forget that that happened.

Tony Grossi shouldn't be fired for his hot mic comment about Baker Mayfield, but he should lose his 'word privilege' and not be allowed to talk.

He called him [Baker Mayfield]... 'and all we got was a fucking midget.' That was a direct quote... fire him? I don't want anyone fired. I don't want to get... we're not trying to fire someone just for one mistake... I actually think what needs to happen is that he just is not allowed to talk anymore. Tony Grossi. Just completely no more words ever... someone else can talk for him. He sits in the room and listens to everybody else and not open his big trap.

The NFL Network should hire Jeff Fisher to bring them back to mediocrity

Jeff Fisher, he brings the mediocrity back. So you're going from low... To right in the middle. I think Jeff Fisher's the perfect hire.

Jamie Horowitz should have worn a hat to hide his large forehead

Jamie Horowitz... Definitely should have been a hat guy. Should have went with a big hat. He's got a large forehead, and I'm not saying that's why he got fired, but it's the Tom Crean, right? It's like you can't give them an extra reason to fire you... if you have a big forehead that just looks stupid.

Markelle Fultz failing to fill in the template on his Instagram ad was a genius marketing move

Everybody ought to ignore everything Big Cat just said because we actually gave Markelle Fultz the best PR advice of all time... We got millions more impressions on this thing than he would have got if he actually tweeted out the right thing... this is a genius marketing strategy by Tissot.

Kurt Eichenwald should embrace being the tentacle porn guy on Twitter

I think he just needs to own that block. He needs to be the tentacle porn guy. Just change your avatar to like an octopus... and just put your head right on top.

United Airlines should fix its PR by making people horny with porn links

If you make us horny, guess what? We're not angry anymore... Just tweet out porn. Be like, hey, it's now being reported that this guy was a porn freak or something. Be like, hey, you know who else was a porn freak? United. And then just start giving us free links.

United Airlines should become the presenting sponsor for the UFC to embrace their 'dragging' reputation

I had one go the self-deprecation route and become a UFC sponsor, like the presenting sponsor for UFC. That'd be pretty funny.

ESPN First Take's ratings are down because Stephen A. Smith failed to kidnap Kevin Durant

So they need some help because First Take, when they lost Skip Bayless, both sides lost. Ratings are down because people realize that Stephen A. Smith wasn't going to back up that talk. They're like, oh, this guy's not going to kidnap anyone.

ESPN First Take's ratings would improve if they made it an R-rated adult program

How can we solve First Take?... Or make it porn. People love porn. Just make it porn. Everybody's naked. First Take, porn... Replace them with Ron Jeremy, Peter North, and Madison Ivy.

Charitable foundations are the best PR tool for shielding coaches from social media scandals

If you are trying to get out of your Twitter problems, either have the foundation... and just tweet from that. ... Foundations have never done anything wrong.

If you claim you were hacked after a scandal, you must lean into it with more fake hacks

If you are going to go the hacked route, you have to go farther down the rabbit hole of hacked. So you accidentally snap a picture of your penis, then you accidentally snap a picture of a swastika, then you accidentally snap a picture of like you throwing a rock at a pigeon and then you're like shit I got hacked.

Draymond Green should sue Snapchat for entrapment

If I'm Draymond, I would consider suing Snapchat. They made an app that makes it really easy to send dick pics that disappear afterwards. So it's like entrapment.

Professional athletes should stay in their rooms and say nothing during the month of July to avoid headlines

Basically just don't say anything during the month of July. Like anything that any professional athlete of note has to say is going to become a headline story. So just just shut up. Just maybe here's what you should do. Just stay in your room. Lock yourself in your room. And just hang out there for a while.

The best way to handle a PR disaster is to claim it was satire and that people are too dumb to get it

Another thing you can do now here's, I've learned this from experience. If you say something that's just extremely offensive and rubs people the wrong way, it's satire. Dick Vitale could have said the fuck you thing was satire. And you guys all don't get it. You're all dumb.

Johnny Manziel should get fat to regain public sympathy

Fat Johnny Manziel is actually a good way to get some sympathy back... You can't... It's just different when you're fat. People won't call him a scumbag as much... You're lovable when you're fat.

Olympic cancellation rumors are just a PR stunt to remind people the Olympics are happening

I swear to God, they pretend it's canceled the Olympics every Olympics just to remind us the Olympics are coming... how else do you pump everyone up for the Olympics in the beginning of May?... Their whole PR 101 is they just remind you it's happening by scaring the fuck out of everyone.

Retired players should fake-tweet they are returning to the league just to get back into the news cycle

I think more players should start doing this where they just fake tweet that they're coming out of retirement. Just get people talking about him because I didn't even know Jason Campbell was retired... Jeff George should just tweet something racist tomorrow just to get the rush of being like a celebrity again.

Johnny Manziel should become a sports blogger

He needs to become a blogger. He needs to write for the Players' Tribune. I'm sure they'll hire him over there. ... because pretty much all bloggers do all day is they talk about sports and then they get drunk at night. And that seems like it would be like a square peg, square hole situation.

Adam Schefter is feeling the heat from Jay Glazer and Ian Rapoport in the insider market

Schefter needs PR 101 because Schefter went on the Dan Patrick show and he started defending Greg Hardy. We call that the Jay Glazer effect. Jay Glazer's doing sit-downs with everyone. Schefter's feeling a little heat there. No one watches the NFL insider market more than I do. Schefter's feeling a little heat.

The Crying Jordan meme is essentially a form of blackface

Isn't Crying Jordan meme a blackface in a way? I've never thought about it like that, but I suppose it is... They blackface literally every person who's ever lost any game ever.

LeBron James will announce he is re-signing with the Cavs by re-following them on Twitter

I actually think what's happening is that LeBron unfollowed the Cavs and that when he signs his option... he's going to announce it by refollowing the Cavs. It's such a shitty, like not cool thing to do, but it's so lame that it perfectly fits something that he would think was a good idea.

The best PR move for any scandal is to check into 'treatment' without explanation

Check into treatment... Don't give us an explanation. Just like disappear for 20 days and then you come back and you're like, I'm healed... When you just say it's a real problem that needs treatment, people now all of a sudden can't make jokes about it.