Takes

Bill Belichick is likely having a baby with his girlfriend Jordon

If I had to give one piece of advice to Jordon, have a baby. No, no. With Belichick, with Bill. Have a—let's get a baby in this thing. Consummate this love with a baby. A baby in the mix of this would be one of the greatest stories.

The card collecting community is mostly comprised of gatekeeping losers

I had the entire card community come after me and they do not like me and they are fucking losers... it's the gatekeepers. And the guys who are like, 'actually'.

Helly is going to kill her father in the Severance Season 2 finale

I want death. I want multiple deaths. Oh, I think Helly's gonna kill her dad. No, I mean, she's showed... she tried to kill herself. They think that she's her daughter who's like the whatever of the company, but they don't know Hellie down there.

Gemma in Severance was never a real person and has always been an innie

Gemma is an innie that they released to the real world to like, make Mark fall in love. Like she was, she was never a real person... She's always an innie.

Binging a TV show is much better than watching it week-by-week

This is my big, i I like binging shows. I like just diving right into 'em. I don't know how people can watch a show like I gave up on House of Dragon. Yeah. Because I watched the first season and then it was four years and I was like, I don't remember fucking shit. I'm out.

Albus Dumbledore is a piece of shit for setting Harry Potter up to die

As I'm watching them [the Harry Potter movies], dude, Dumbledore's a piece of shit. He knew that Harry had to sacrifice himself. He set him up. The guy that you think is like the grandpa that's always there to help him... he's a bad sicko.

Books are always better than the movies

Michael Lewis books—always better than the movie. Big Short? Ever heard of it? Moneyball? Ever heard of it? Blindside? Books are always better than the movie.

Clay Travis is a loser for bragging about getting kicked out of his son's Little League game

I don't care who these boys' daddies are... He just sat and bragged about getting kicked out of a little league game and thought that everyone would be like, 'Oh my God, you're right, that umpire sucks.' This is just as basic as it gets. You just sat and bragged about getting kicked out of a little league game.

Moana is a legitimately incredible movie

That movie is awesome. I don't know if anyone's seen Moana with the Rock. It's a legitimately incredible movie. I'm at the point now where I'm like 'How about Moana?' and [my son's] like 'Nah, Mickey Mouse.'

My brand of motivation is essentially Gary V with a brain injury.

If we made like an Instagram page of quotes... like a your entire quote page that makes you a true scumbag in life. Yeah. Like the opposite of the success win guys. If you think like Gary V with a brain injury.

Jake Marsh would beat Ryan Russillo, Nephew Kyle, and Sir Rudy in a fight by himself through pure sportsmanship

What if we... let's do the fight. We just sent Jake Marsh. Boom. He kick all their asses. One verse three. Fun with that. Come on. Sportsmanship to death.

Ted Bundy is a wildly overrated serial killer

Ted Bundy is wildly overrated. I mean, I... Ted Bundy was overrated as a killer. He's just good looking.

George R.R. Martin is 'completely lying' about working on the next Game of Thrones book

I don't think he's written a single word. If you look at anything that he's said in the press recently, I think he's just completely lying about it. I don't think he's started the next book at all.

Daniel Ricciardo is a fake Australian because he failed to mention 'drop bears'

I don't think Ricciardo is actually from Australia. Because, one, he didn't make a drop bear comment, which is like Australia 101... and kangaroos are actually dangerous, and he wasn't actually down with the animals in Australia. He's probably from Chile.

The new Space Jam movie isn't worth seeing because Lola Bunny is no longer 'thick.'

Lola Bunny is no longer thick. It sucks... I don't think I'm going to go see the new Space Jam. If I can't get aroused to a cartoon character in a movie about basketball, then I don't think it's worth my money buying a ticket.

Rebranding Mr. Potato Head to 'Potato Head' is neutering the toy

They changed him today. They massacred my boy. Hasbro is... they neutered him. Yeah, they're giving him a spud, a gender-neutral new name. Just Potato Head.

OJ Simpson's son committed the murders, not OJ

I don't think OJ did it. ... I think it was his son. ... I saw a TikTok.

Robot dogs will eventually turn on their owners when Jeff Bezos activates a 'serious switch' via Alexa

I'm just afraid that these robot dogs are going to fall into the wrong hands. You're going to have a robot in your house and he will turn on you. It's going to be Jeff Bezos hitting the 'serious switch'—the Alexa switch. We already have robot dog whistles inside our homes right now and that's going to activate them.

Social distancing is great because it eliminates the possibility of the 'awkward white guy dap'

I actually don't mind this new normal because one it eliminates the possibility of the awkward white guy dap, which is huge. And two, you don't have to worry about getting caught in between like a handshake and like a pat on the back... the idea of saying like 'hey, I'm [PFT]'... and you're just standing like 7 feet away from each other... it just sucks.

Netflix's Outer Banks is a bad show that is also good

I like Outer Banks. It's such a bad show. It's so bad. It's become good. It reminds me of all my favorite action movies with Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme... it is so bad, and I'm learning nothing. I'm getting dumber.

Kristin Cavallari is leaking stories to the press to make Jay Cutler look bad

Kristin Cavallari has now had like seven stories in the last week that she's leaked to the press. My quarterback has not said a word... she is going to try to make a reality show out of this. 100%.

Kristin Cavallari will eventually star in a reality show centered around her divorce from Jay Cutler

No, she is going to try to make a reality show out of this. 100%. She is going to have a reality show being like living through a divorce or some bullshit... Jay will not be involved.

Darren Rovell's Kate Upton story is actually a flex on his 'talent scouting' ability

Darren Ravel posting this literally has nothing to do with him wanting to have sex with Kate Upton. It's just him trying to flex on everybody and being like I I recognize that this woman was going to be very attractive... I have a great eye for talent.

'The Circle' on Netflix is the worst show ever created

I started watching the show The Circle on Netflix, and it's the worst show that's ever been created, and I started watching it, and I can't stop. It is horrendous. ... You say to yourself, I'm getting significantly dumber as I watch this show. And then you keep on watching.

The Jonas Brothers are actually not losers and their documentary is good

My Firefest of the week is that I watched a Jonas Brothers documentary, and I actually really liked them. You go in and you're like, oh, Jonas Brothers, those guys are losers. Only teenage girls like them... Then you watch the documentary. You realize they were grinding for three years.