Takes

Tiger Woods will win at least one more Masters

We're now getting the Tiger Woods is going to win at least one more Masters takes. So I think that that means Tiger is like all the way back. When people are actually debating how many more Masters or, you know, championships you're going to win, I think that's exactly where Tiger is back.

Tom Brady's mother being from Minnesota will be a massive Super Bowl storyline

Tom Brady's mother is from Minnesota. Wow. That's actually pretty good. Big storyline there. So coming home, kind of, I don't really know where we're going to go with that, but it's going to be good.

Josh McDaniels and Matt Patricia's imminent departures will be a major Super Bowl distraction

The coordinator's last games. So Josh McDaniels is going to be a head coach of the Colts. Patricia is going to be the head coach of the Lions... this is going to be [a storyline].

The Big Ten won the bowl season

The first one is... the Big Ten. Won the bowl season. Many people are saying the Big Ten won the bowl season. Seven and one in bowls. And dominated, just dominated everyone.

The Boston Celtics are officially back

My who's back of the week is the Boston Celtics. Oh, great. They won 12 in a row. They're in first place in the Eastern Conference.

Lane Kiffin definitely knows the spread and plays to it

I've said this for many years, that Lane Kiffin is one of the only coaches that I will put my fucking life on it, that he knows the spread and plays to the spread. He used to do it at Tennessee, too, where he would go for two in random spots. I know Lane Kiffin knows the spread.

Washington sports teams will win the World Series and Stanley Cup this year

Washington is back. It's the Nats year. It's the Caps year... So they're going to win the World Series. They're going to win the Stanley Cup.

Blake Bortles is officially back

So my who's back of the week is Blake Bortles of the Blake Bortles Wikipedia Club. Huge game. Four touchdowns. He's back.

Sam Darnold isn't actually good, he just throws 'good looking' interceptions

I also have a theory that I'm working on that Sam Darnold's not actually good, but his interceptions look good. So even when he makes a bad play, you're like, this guy's good.

Blake Bortles is the Jaguars' QB1 for the 2017 season

Blake Bortles is back... he is QB1 for the season. All you haters out there. Blake Bortles, QB1, Jacksonville Jaguars. Write it down.

Pumpkin Spice is officially back because stores are already displaying it in August.

My first who's back of the week is Pumpkin Spice. ... Walking to a grocery store, walking to any type of store, you will see ... It's just who's back of the week. And who's back of the week is pumpkin spice.

Ole Miss will return to sucking at football now that they can't cheat under Hugh Freeze

Hugh Freeze is out, and it looks like Ole Miss is going to have to start playing it above the board here. No more cheating. So they're going to suck at football again.

A good Yankee player will always eventually be the face of Major League Baseball

You have Aaron Judge, Yankees, big market. People forget if there's a good Yankee, he's going to be the face.

The 2017 Yankees are fully back

The Yankees are fully back. Pinstripes for everyone. Aaron Judge hit three home runs on Sunday. His 21st of the year. Also the longest home run of the year... They have the best run differential in the league.

Stephen A. Smith claiming James Harden was drugged is a transparent attempt to brag about his contacts

After the James Harden game six incident, [Stephen A. Smith] went on the air and he said that he had five Hall of Famers text him saying they thought James Harden was drugged... No one cares about that. It's five Hall of Famers text Stephen A. Smith. That's big stuff.

Since 2014, Tiger Woods has had more back surgeries than top ten finishes

A little sabermetrics for you on Tiger Woods. I saw this stat running around. Since 2014, he's had more back surgeries, three, than top ten finishes, one.

Short, tighter shorts are making a major comeback in college basketball

The bagginess has gotten way too far. It's getting in the way of the dribbles. These guys like to go between their legs a lot, you know, with these new players out there. So they're bringing back short, tighter shorts. A couple guys in Indiana are doing it. I've seen it across the Big East, too, I think. So we're going to see a major swing here. Get out in front of this. If you're a college basketball player, tighten those things up.

Tom Crean will be hired by another team specifically because he has a 'contentable' face

Tom Crean, he will get fired by Indiana sooner rather than later. But someone will hire him simply because of his face. He's got a brand. Crean has a contentable face. He has an exceptionally stupid-looking face. And that in itself, that's a brand that people will be like, oh, wow, where is Tom Crean coaching? He can go coach the Missouri Valley, and people will now be watching Missouri Valley games because of his name and his face.

The CFL is the perfect place for Johnny Manziel to start a comeback

Johnny Manziel is back. He has reportedly had a tryout with the CFL, which the CFL is exactly where Johnny Manziel needs to start his comeback.

The Saturday Wild Card game featuring the Texans is a tradition of bad football that everyone hates

The Texans are playing the first wildcard game on Saturday that everyone's going to hate and always features really bad quarterback play. Tradition like any other.

Aaron Rodgers is officially back and the Packers are the team nobody wants to play in January

Aaron Rodgers is officially back. He did his whole thing where everyone talked about how [he] was awful, and then he's rattled off three games that have been great, and the Packers are right back in the thick of things, and they are officially the don't-want-to-play-these-guys-in-January team.

The Detroit Lions are in trouble because Matthew Stafford's finger injury is a season-killer

The Lions are back because something really good happened to them today, and they're in the catbird seat of the NFC North. But then in a win, they also got really bad news as Matthew Stafford dislocated his middle finger on his throwing hand and severed a bunch of ligaments. So they're kind of fucked.

John Gruden is the ultimate coaching search leverage tool to help candidates negotiate higher salaries

John Gruden is like the fail-proof coaching rumor. When a team or a college can't leverage their coaching search against anyone, they're like, well, John Gruden's interested... He's always going to come back if a team needs him to negotiate against someone else.

Football is officially back and here to stay.

The whole sport of football. It's been a whole long season. Everyone's shitting on it, saying it's only got so much time, 25 years before it's gone forever. This weekend was a perfect example. It's back, and it's here to stay.

The Detroit Lions officially beat the bye week after everyone else in the NFC North lost.

The lions beat the bye week because every team lost except the lions. That's right. So that snaps their 30-year consecutive losing streak against the bye week.

Every NFL team that passed on Dak Prescott will be draft shamed forever

Dak Prescott has been named the starter. He was drafted 135... You could have had Dak Prescott. And people will remind you every single day... Everyone gets draft shamed now that Dak Prescott is officially the starter and a superstar.

The Raiders are officially back.

The Raiders. The Raiders are officially back. And it's fun. The Raiders are like Notre Dame or maybe even the Yankees where everything's more fun when they're back.

The Raiders are officially back as the 'Bad Boy' team of the NFL

I have the Bad Boy Raiders are back. The team of the 70s. Silver and black... They set a record for most penalties in a game... Al Davis bad boys are in town.

Oregon is back to sucking like they did before they were good

The University of Oregon is back to sucking like they did before they got good.

The Atlanta Falcons are officially back.

I have my who's back, the Atlanta Falcons. Falcons are back. They are back. Last week you had Matt Ryan back, right? Well, no, two weeks, three weeks ago I had Dan Quinn on my hot seat. Then I had Matt Ryan back. Now I have the Falcons back.

Jeff Fisher will lose his next two games because the Rams are in L.A.

Jeff Fisher is losing his next two games now that the Rams are in L.A. Hollywood Jeff is going to be reading the dailies. He's going to see his name and variety. And he's like 3-1, 3-1. I know another team from Golden State that was 3-1 not too long ago.

Aaron Rodgers is officially back

Aaron Rodgers is [back]... Aaron gets really surly with the media. He pouts, tells everyone to relax, and then he goes out and kills the Lions. And I feel like we've done this every year.

The Texas Longhorns are no longer 'back'

Texas no longer back. Because they were back because they beat Notre Dame, who is not back. Now Texas is back into the not back category.

Matt Ryan is officially back

I am going with Matt Ryan. He's back. Went on the road. Won a game. Matty Ice. Bring it back out.

The Chicago Cubs will win the 2016 World Series

I'd like to say congratulations to the 2016, um, world series champion Chicago Cubs. All right, well, congrats to the future World Series champions.

Notre Dame is heading in the wrong direction

If you had to describe Notre Dame for the last seven years, it's perfectly this. Are they back? Question mark. They've been almost back, sort of back, never fully back. But I think now they're going the wrong direction. Now they're set back.