Takes

T-Rexes lived closer in time to humans than they did to Stegosauruses

T-Rex are closer to humans in time than they are to stegosauruses. Whoa. So T-Rexes and humans are 65 million years apart. Stegosauruses and T-Rexes are 85 million years apart.

The PMT YouTube channel will not hit 500,000 subscribers by August 15th because listeners don't have it in them to watch

The listeners don't have it in them. Yeah. They don't have it in them. We're not going to hit 500,000. We're not gonna be able to do the live stream. They're listeners. They're not watching.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have the second-worst run differential in the National League

They have the second-worst run differential in the NL right now... second worst behind [Big Cat's] Nets.

I'm going to be a huge fan of women's sports once my daughter is born

I'm having another child. It's going to be a girl... As of June, I'm going to be forced to do a podcast with a bunch of misogynists, and I'm no longer going to be a misogynist. For some reason, I just love watching women's sports now. That just happened overnight.

I genuinely didn't know the T in 'mortgage' was silent

I genuinely thought that's it. I didn't know the T was silent... I missed that once. I've gotten criticism in my broadcasting career. I've gotten destroyed for this... It's my fault. I messed up.

Drew Brees will not be a good broadcaster

I got a hot take. I don't think Drew Brees is going to be that good in the booth... There's going to be a wave of people being like, and as much shit as we give Tony Romo, he's objectively good... I don't think Drew Brees has a personality. I would sell all my stock on Drew Brees being good in the booth.

COVID is no joke, even for peak athletes like me.

My Fyre Fest is I have COVID. It pretty much sucks. It's low-key not a great time... a peak athlete like myself, I've had trouble breathing all week. It has not been fun. I've literally just done this show, and after we hang up, I'm like, gasped beyond belief. It is no joke, and you shouldn't take it seriously... i know i sound preachy but guess what i'll fucking say it this thing is no joke

I am going to 'skull fuck' Jose Canseco in our fight

I'm going to skull fuck him. ... I'm absolutely going to skull fuck him. No doubt. He's tiny. I mean, yeah, he looks big. He's 270 pounds. But I just care about the frame. He has a smaller frame than I thought.

I am guaranteeing that I will enter 'Berserker Mode' during my fight with Jose Canseco

I'm guaranteeing berserker mode... It's this sort of being where you use your mind to get your body into a total higher element of operation... I've been really studying this whole training camp, how to get myself in the zone and get in berserker mode. And you're going to see it tonight.

Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset

I learned a lesson, which is Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset. Yeah, absolutely. No regrets.

I am going to kick Jose Canseco's ass

I'm going to fucking kick his ass... I'm going to fuck him up. No, yeah, you are. Dude, I've hit the point in my athlete-to-weapon transition where it's like, the only way to win and to get this guy to stop punching me is I have to punch him harder to make him quit.

Losing the SEC on CBS theme song is a tragedy for college football

On behalf of all college football fans, we are losing the SEC on CBS theme song in 2024.

The Steelers have zero chance of winning the Super Bowl

It's the Steelers to win the Super Bowl 55 to 1 and I'm sitting here watching them go 11 and 0 and being like, well, it doesn't really matter... In the back of my head, I'm like, no chance. Zero percent chance.

Wisconsin's football season is effectively over

My fire. First two of them Wisconsin's football season is over pretty much that sucked

March Madness is at high risk of cancellation or major forfeit issues

I'm really starting to get worried about college basketball... if we don't have March Madness this year. It's going to be weird because if they have to play so many games, right if one team gets an outbreak. They basically have to Forfeit.

Bill de Blasio changed his name to sound Italian so he could win in New York

He changed his name to sound Italian so he'd win in New York. He was born Warren Wilhelm... He changed his name to Warren de Blasio Wilhelm in 1983 and finally to Bill de Blasio to honor his maternal family, bullshit.

Sir Yacht's reporting on the Big Ten is completely fabricated

Sir Yacht is a choose-your-own-adventure source. He's wrong all the time, a hundred percent of the time. He pretty much makes it up. But if you want to live in a fantasy land like I do, listen to Sir Yacht and ignorance is bliss in this respect. I do love the fact that like twice a week the Big Ten comes back.

The Bryson DeChambeau vs. Brooks Koepka rivalry is exactly what golf needs to be interesting

I'm fine with this. I'm glad that there's a rivalry in golf. We needed something like this. The Tiger-Phil just doesn't do it for me... today was actually one of the first times that I've been watching golf and I've been more excited to watch somebody else besides Tiger.

I'm pre-mad about how much the Mike Tyson vs. Roy Jones Jr. fight is going to suck

Mike Tyson is back. He's going to fight Roy Jones Jr. in September... I'm going to buy this fight... and it's going to suck. It's going to be sadder than the Kimbo Slice Dada 5000 fight. This is going to without a question suck and I'm going to get so excited for it.

I will guest on one random podcast with 100-200 followers every day next week

I will do one random podcast per day starting on Monday. And the criteria is it has to have between one and two hundred followers on Twitter. So it can't be like a brand new podcast, more random the better. I'll do five podcasts and then I'm done.

I'm surprised there has never been a Call of Duty branded movie

I'm surprised there's never been a Call of Duty movie, to be perfectly honest. ... I know [there are war movies], but there's not like a Call of Duty branded [one].

News websites are exploiting engagement by phrasing headlines as 'alley-oop jokes' on Twitter.

News websites have started to exploit the ratio, and they're starting to do like alley-oop jokes on Twitter. ... When companies are tweeting out like an article that they just wrote, they're phrasing their tweets in such a way that they know they're going to get replied to and a shitload of quote tweets.

I guarantee sports will be back in July

Sports are coming back in July. I guarantee it. ... Clip that. No, they are coming back. At some point in July.

Kristin Cavallari is leaking stories to the press to make Jay Cutler look bad

Kristin Cavallari has now had like seven stories in the last week that she's leaked to the press. My quarterback has not said a word... she is going to try to make a reality show out of this. 100%.

Kristin Cavallari will eventually star in a reality show centered around her divorce from Jay Cutler

No, she is going to try to make a reality show out of this. 100%. She is going to have a reality show being like living through a divorce or some bullshit... Jay will not be involved.

I am guaranteeing a Fiesta Bowl victory against UConn

I am guaranteeing a Fiesta Bowl Victory guaranteeing no way I lose in the field. If you don't what if you lose I will not because I'm going to change the slider so much in my favor.

Bill Belichick won't care about Gronk leaving; he will just view it as getting a draft pick for nothing

There's not a single person better equipped to have like two of his star players leave him willingly than Bill Belichick... He'll probably get a great draft pick for and just keep moving on like not even think about... he would absolutely get something for nothing because Rob's not coming back to play.

It is ridiculous to postpone the NBA 2K league since the games can be played remotely.

The NBA 2K league is expected to announce tonight that it's postponing the start of its season... Hopefully video Gamers can figure out how to compete against each other in the privacy of their own homes. I don't know that seems like a pretty big technological step. We're going to have to make, but I have confidence that the people into k-league will figure out a way to let people play video games in their homes.

My recent gambling hot streak was the best of my life

I have never been hotter as a gambler in my entire life, 20 years of gambling, than I have been in the last three weeks and Coronavirus stopped it all. I honestly have two losing days in the last 21 days.

The Red Sox trading Mookie Betts makes no sense and is a repeat of the Khalil Mack trade

The Red Sox seems like what they did, what they got for it is, at best... a Mookie Betts. It's kind of like the Raiders trade when they traded Khalil Mack. They're trading assets that they hope will eventually turn into a player the caliber of Mookie Betts. ... no one is as good as Mookie Betts except for Trout.

The Dodgers have to win one because their 'all-ins' are becoming pathetic

And now the Dodgers, I mean, how many all-ins can the Dodgers... The Dodgers are going to break the record for the most all-ins. This decade, this is like their fifth or sixth all in. You've got to win one, Dodgers. This is so pathetic.

We are 'all fucked' because of the coronavirus

The coronavirus is active. It is live. It's over in China right now. They've shut down cities. They've quarantined entire cities... And I've seen the movie Outbreak recently. So I just think we're all fucked.

The Washington Redskins' medical staff misdiagnosed Trent Williams' cancer for six years

The Trent Williams trade news out of Ashburn Virginia... he said that he was misdiagnosed six years ago by the Redskins medical staff. Cancer has been growing on his head for the last six years. They told him it was fine. He said he almost died. He went to the hospital for several weeks over the summer. No one from the team came to visit him. They deserve every bad thing in the world.

Max Kellerman is wrongly claiming he created the term 'BOAT' for Blake Bortles

Max Kellerman keeps talking about how he created the BOAT, and it's pissing me off... I think it was someone in the Barstool World slash Blake, and it's been around for five years now, and the fact that Max Kellerman thinks he just made it up on the spot yesterday is driving me insane.

Acai bowls are a scam that make you fat because they are basically just ice cream

I found out about them [Acai Bowls]. They're awesome. It's basically ice cream. But then I found out they make you fat... Turns out it basically is ice cream. They're labeled as superfood.

The AAF was a Fire Fest run by people with no plan

It is hilarious to just imagine Bill Polian as being Billy McFarland. Like, drinking like rock stars, fucking like porn stars speech. I guarantee you Bill has said that at some point... Instead of cocaine and tequila on a private island, it was like tortilla chips and a nice beer, just hanging out watching tape.