Takes

Losing the SEC on CBS theme song is a tragedy for college football

On behalf of all college football fans, we are losing the SEC on CBS theme song in 2024.

The Steelers have zero chance of winning the Super Bowl

It's the Steelers to win the Super Bowl 55 to 1 and I'm sitting here watching them go 11 and 0 and being like, well, it doesn't really matter... In the back of my head, I'm like, no chance. Zero percent chance.

Wisconsin's football season is effectively over

My fire. First two of them Wisconsin's football season is over pretty much that sucked

I accidentally put a down payment on a hedgehog while drunk

I accidentally put a down payment on a hedgehog... Basically I got drunk last Sunday. I was like fuck it, I'm gonna buy a hedgehog. Yep. Then I woke up the next day and I was like, wait a second... It was $75 down payment and a hedgehog's about $250 on top of that.

Bill de Blasio changed his name to sound Italian so he could win in New York

He changed his name to sound Italian so he'd win in New York. He was born Warren Wilhelm... He changed his name to Warren de Blasio Wilhelm in 1983 and finally to Bill de Blasio to honor his maternal family, bullshit.

Sir Yacht's reporting on the Big Ten is completely fabricated

Sir Yacht is a choose-your-own-adventure source. He's wrong all the time, a hundred percent of the time. He pretty much makes it up. But if you want to live in a fantasy land like I do, listen to Sir Yacht and ignorance is bliss in this respect. I do love the fact that like twice a week the Big Ten comes back.

I'm pre-mad about how much the Mike Tyson vs. Roy Jones Jr. fight is going to suck

Mike Tyson is back. He's going to fight Roy Jones Jr. in September... I'm going to buy this fight... and it's going to suck. It's going to be sadder than the Kimbo Slice Dada 5000 fight. This is going to without a question suck and I'm going to get so excited for it.

I'm surprised there has never been a Call of Duty branded movie

I'm surprised there's never been a Call of Duty movie, to be perfectly honest. ... I know [there are war movies], but there's not like a Call of Duty branded [one].

I guarantee sports will be back in July

Sports are coming back in July. I guarantee it. ... Clip that. No, they are coming back. At some point in July.

I am guaranteeing a Fiesta Bowl victory against UConn

I am guaranteeing a Fiesta Bowl Victory guaranteeing no way I lose in the field. If you don't what if you lose I will not because I'm going to change the slider so much in my favor.

Bill Belichick won't care about Gronk leaving; he will just view it as getting a draft pick for nothing

There's not a single person better equipped to have like two of his star players leave him willingly than Bill Belichick... He'll probably get a great draft pick for and just keep moving on like not even think about... he would absolutely get something for nothing because Rob's not coming back to play.

My recent gambling hot streak was the best of my life

I have never been hotter as a gambler in my entire life, 20 years of gambling, than I have been in the last three weeks and Coronavirus stopped it all. I honestly have two losing days in the last 21 days.

The Dodgers have to win one because their 'all-ins' are becoming pathetic

And now the Dodgers, I mean, how many all-ins can the Dodgers... The Dodgers are going to break the record for the most all-ins. This decade, this is like their fifth or sixth all in. You've got to win one, Dodgers. This is so pathetic.

Max Kellerman did not create the term 'BOAT'

Max Kellerman keeps talking about how he created the BOAT, and it's pissing me off... I think someone in the Barstool World slash Blake [Bortles] created it, and it's been around for five years now, and the fact that Max Kellerman thinks he just made it up on the spot yesterday is driving me insane.

Acai bowls are a scam that make you fat because they are basically just ice cream

I found out about them [Acai Bowls]. They're awesome. It's basically ice cream. But then I found out they make you fat... Turns out it basically is ice cream. They're labeled as superfood.

The AAF was a Fire Fest run by people with no plan

It is hilarious to just imagine Bill Polian as being Billy McFarland. Like, drinking like rock stars, fucking like porn stars speech. I guarantee you Bill has said that at some point... Instead of cocaine and tequila on a private island, it was like tortilla chips and a nice beer, just hanging out watching tape.