Takes

Calling a World Series at Wrigley Field for the Cubs would be the highlight of my career

Doing a World Series at Wrigley Field for the Cubs would be the highlight of my career. And I own it. I wear it. I believe it. And I think it would be the biggest sports story of any of our lifetimes if that were to come to pass this year, next year, whenever.

I drank a beer during the first inning of every playoff game I called to remind myself it's just a game

I got into the habit of having one of the runners go down and get me one of the mega beers from a concession stand. And I'd sip the beer during the first inning. And it wasn't to get drunk, obviously... it was to remind myself that I was at a frigging sporting event and nobody's hanging on every word... I just drank a beer in the first inning of every game of the playoffs.

Troy Aikman and I were comfortable enough to fart around each other in the booth right out of the gate

At what point in your relationship did you guys get comfortable enough to fart around each other in the booth? [Buck]: Pretty much right out of the gate... Troy's that guy. And he's a guy's guy. And I remember one, the first time it happened, he said something like, 'I'm bringing some heat.' And I was like, 'What?' And he goes, 'Just don't worry about it.' And then we came back from commercial and I knew what he was talking about.

Game 3 of the 2016 NBA Finals is a 'can't lose' for the Cavaliers

I think it's a can't lose because if they lose it, then the series has officially begun and then Steph Curry is going to just put the nail in the coffin in game four. So they have to win it because if they lose it, then they won't win another one.

The San Jose Sharks have no chance to come back against the Penguins in the 2016 Stanley Cup Final

Done. Done. Oh, that's not a chance. Like it was pretty stupid. They would even waste the money that it costs to pay for the private jet out to play the game and lose and then have to fly home. ... They're just a better team overall.

I didn't play for Team USA in 2016 partly because of the Zika virus

At first, it was the United States thing, and then I realized that Zika virus was my built-in out. So I was like, all right, I don't even have to play anymore. I can just chalk it up to Zika.

I wanted to jump over a convertible for the Dunk Contest but Kia made me use an Optima hood

I wanted to jump over a convertible... But I wasn't allowed to. It had to be a Kia Optima... there's no way I was going to make it over the entire thing, over Baron Davis in the sunroof, so I opted for the hood, and then everyone was pissed that I jumped over the hood.

The Canadian dollar is the only thing that can stop the Blackhawks because it drags down the salary cap

The only thing that can stop the Blackhawks is your stupid fucking Canadian dollar... when you have Toews and Kane both making like 10 and a half a year and the cap keeps going down because Canada can't get their shit together, it makes me a little upset.

Cavaliers in 7 over the Warriors

I unfortunately have the Cavs in 7. I think the Cavs are going to win.

Kevin Durant will leave the OKC Thunder

I'm finished with him. I think that Durant's going to leave, and I hope that he does, and he's going to go to the Wizards or the Celtics or the Clippers or the Lakers or the Spurs or the Rockets.

The series loss to the Warriors will haunt Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook for the rest of their lives

It was an unbelievable series. That's a series that will haunt Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook for the rest of their lives. They were up in game six at home, ready to bury the Warriors. And they choked down the stretch.

Chris Humphries will never win an NBA title

If Chris Humphries is ever going to win a national championship, I don't think that he'll win a title. Curse. Curse. Sorry, Chris. You're on the list.

The NBA and Kevin Durant should stop exaggerating player heights

When did Kevin Durant become seven feet tall? He's six foot nine, right? They used to call Ben Wallace a seven footer and it's like he was at least six, I don't know, ten or something like that. Kevin Durant's... that's giving him more than a few inches. I often hear this with LeBron... they add 10 pounds and they add at least one inch every time they talk about him. I hope we can pull back from that on Kevin Durant.

Chris Berman's retirement report is a bargaining chip for his next contract

Does Chris Berman not strike you as the type of guy that's going to take a victory lap? He is a victory lap guy through and through. So this wishy-washy back and forth, this was all on purpose... Or what this could be is a bargaining chip. He might be trying to play him for a raise. His contract's up next year. So he's dangling the threat of retirement.

The St. Louis Cardinals 'statement loss' is a ridiculous spin by a losing team

My favorite team in Major League Baseball, St. Louis Cardinals, they had a statement loss against my actual favorite team, the Cubs, on Wednesday. They showed determination and grit, that's a quote, when they lost to the Cubs. Colton Wong said, 'I think we still made a statement in the loss.' In the loss? Don't let the Cardinals get too hot with all these statement losses they're throwing out there.

The Raptors are the Russian Army of the NBA; they defend their home well but get smoked once they travel abroad

The Raptors, they're only good in Canada. They're like the Russian army. They can defend their homeland really well. But the second you send them over like the Kush mountains into Afghanistan, they're getting smoked.

The Rio Olympics will be defined by corruption and extortion

Not only is the water full of poop in Rio, but the people that they hired to clean it up stole the money. So pretty classic Olympics we got going on here, folks. We got the environmental stuff. We got the extortion. We got corruption.

I hope Draymond Green doesn't get suspended for the nut kick because playoff basketball is better with fights and retaliation

The question is, is Draymond going to get suspended for that kick? Because it was a crane kick. It was a Karate Kid shot to the balls. And I hope he doesn't get suspended because I'd like to see some retaliation. That's when playoff basketball really takes off is when there's fights and retaliation.

Having four grown men taking Viagra together in an RV is a bad idea

We've decided that we're not going to all take Viagra because it's a really, really weird thing to have four dudes with, like, raging hard boners in an RV.

Grit Week participants should only pack underwear and laptops, buying all other clothes daily from thrift stores

Since it's Grit Week, we got to go out there. We got to scrap. We got to hustle for everything that we earn. So every morning, we're going to go to a thrift store, buy our clothes for that day, depending on the weather.

Nyquist is not a slam dunk to win the Preakness due to potential rain

There's a probability that it's going to be a hellaciously rainy day on Saturday. [Nyquist] has never run in conditions like that before... Whereas Exaggerator, the horse that he beat in the Derby... he won very impressively in conditions like that.

American Pharoah was more talented than Nyquist

American Pharoah was a brilliant kind of horse... American Pharoah [was] like a wild horse. Nyquist is sort of like the consummate professional... I think at this point, I would take American Pharoah. I think he has more overall talent than Nyquist.

It is not illegal to sell fake hospital bracelets as work excuses

Is it illegal [to sell fake hospital bracelets]? No. I think you could do it, but it's like with so many things, it has other ramifications.

People forget that Steven Adams is only 22 years old

People forget that Steven Adams is 22 years old. It's unbelievable because he looks like he's 37. It's crazy.

People forget Kyrie Irving was born in Australia

People forget Kyrie Irving was born in Australia. So not a lot of people remember that.

The only difference between a mixtape and an album is price

[Mixtapes are] for free. Albums you have to technically pay for. You can still find it for free, but technically it costs money. Mixtapes are just for free. Musically... there's really not much of a difference.

LeBron James is the first player I would pick to start a team today

If you're starting a team today... the first person I'd pick right now would still be LeBron James.

Mark Sanchez's 'Sanchise' nickname was a bad one that didn't age well

Steve Francis and Mark Sanchez, Stevie Franchise, Mark Sanchez... Both guys turns out do not make your franchise. Those are unfortunate nicknames when you actually look at how they play. The Sanchise nickname felt like a nickname that Rex Ryan came up with to convince himself.

Joining the Wikipedia club will help you get at least two correct answers on Jeopardy in the next six months

I guarantee you that by joining our [Blake Bortles] Wikipedia club you're going to get like at least two correct answers in Jeopardy over the next six months. This is going to come in so handy for you, like way more practical than Andrew [Luck's book club].

The Cubs could win the World Series this year

Do you think the Cubs will ever win a World Series? This could be the year, man. I'm looking forward to the All-Chicago World Series this year. I like that. That would be something special.

If Steph Curry loses in the finals, the public will turn on him and call him a fraud

Everybody rooted for him last year because he was the skinny kid... Now he's so confident in his abilities, people are starting to turn on him. If he loses in the playoffs or in the finals, they're going to be like, I guess he couldn't hang with the big boys. Guess he's a fraud.

The Warriors-Thunder series will feature Russell Westbrook and Steph Curry flexing on each other and it will be awesome

This is going to be Westbrook flexing on Steph Curry, Steph Curry trying to flex on Westbrook. It's going to be awesome.

Steven Adams is a genuine mustache guy, not like the ironic losers who just talk about them

Adams is like a genuine mustache guy. And like half of his tweets are about how much he loves mustaches. Um, so I'm looking forward to seeing him and [Andrew] Bogut going at each other.

The Sharks will beat the Blues in the Western Conference Finals

[The Sharks] need to beat the Blues, and I need to have that Sharks-Lightning finals so that we can just pretend the Stanley Cup didn't happen this year.

The San Jose Sharks will win Game 7 against the Predators

I mean, I got a good feeling about San Jose, to be honest. I mean, I know this isn't going to air in time, but big game seven tonight, so we'll see what happens.

Rache Caldwell is the world's worst criminal

The whole premise of it is like [Rache] Caldwell is the world's worst criminal... he orders five and a half pounds of MDMA from China and it shows up on his doorstep delivered by a federal agent.

Alexander Ovechkin deserves the heat for the Capitals failing in the playoffs

I'm going to blame Ovi... Call me a dumb fan. That's fine. Call me a dumb fan... But if you want to be a top player in any league, you're going to get this heat. It just happens. It happens to every guy. It happened to Peyton Manning. It's happened to A-Rod.

I'm dreading the Capitals' inevitable playoff exit more than ever

I should schedule a reminder in my phone that goes off this week every year saying, okay, schedule some time with your therapist... this is the gut punch that I get every year and I've gotten it for the last 15 years.

The Cavaliers could beat the Warriors in the Finals

The entire season has been about the Warriors and then a little bit about the Spurs. The Cavs, they can do like the whole nobody believes in us shit, which is unreal with a guy like LeBron on your team. And I don't know, man. I wouldn't be shocked if they beat the Warriors. I really wouldn't.

Steph Curry getting 131 media members to agree on anything is more extraordinary than his play

The news on this press conference is not that he won. It's that he managed to get 131 media people to agree to the same thing at the same time because that's far more extraordinary than scoring 17 points in an overtime game.

I could still play in the NFL, but I'm too washed up to get an invite

I think that I probably could [play]... [but] I got no real invites. I'm too washed up, man. Too much of a has-been.

I side with Darren Rovell over Dana White

Ravel and Dana White are in a fight, which is the nerd and the jock. I obviously side with Ravel here. It seems as though he's in the right.

Michael Jordan doesn't actually get paid for the Crying Jordan meme

Black Twitter bullied ja rule off of twitter and and this was because ja rule said that michael jordan gets paid a dollar for every time the crime jordan face is tweeted yes yeah which if we are ranking ja rules tweets it actually wasn't the top tweet he's ever had... This guy thinks he just cracked the lotto and Michael Jordan makes a dollar off every picture on the internet.

JJ Watt grunts and moans while chasing quarterbacks

No, [JJ Watt] is not a big talker at all. Like it's kind of – you kind of just – you hear him like grunting and moaning behind you as he's coming. He just makes noises, really.

A number never won a Super Bowl

Here's a stat for you. A number never won a Super Bowl. Fact.

Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes beat the Monstars at the end of Space Jam

The spoiler is that Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes beat the Monstars in the end.

Leicester City is a fraud if they don't defend their title

If you don't defend your title, you're a fraud. Let's just put our cards on the table here, Leicester City. If you don't defend your title, you're a fraud.

Does LeBron James have the 'it factor' and the 'clutch gene' to win without Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh?

My question is, does LeBron have the it factor? I don't think people are talking about this enough. He's won a couple championships, but the years that he won it, was he really the it guy? Did he really have that clutch gene? He still has to get it done on his own this postseason without the help of future Hall of Famers Dwyane Wade and [Chris Bosh].

LeBron James and the Cavaliers will win the Eastern Conference

LeBron, unfortunately, I've been through this many times. He does this every single year... then the spring comes around, and LeBron's like, 'oh, yeah, I'm LeBron,' and he just dominates everyone. But LeBron's going to win the East.

Chris Bosh is a first-ballot Hall of Famer because the Basketball Hall of Fame lets everyone in

The Basketball Hall of Fame lets in basically anyone who played basketball for more than 10 years. So Bosh is a first ballot then. There's really no rhyme or reason... 50% of the basketball world is a Hall of Famer.