Takes

Skip Bayless will get 'West Coast soft' and lose his edge at Fox Sports

I don't think that what they're going to do with him on Fox Sports is going to be nearly as good because he's going to get West Coast soft. He's not going to have somebody as fiery to debate. It's like separating two dogs from each other that have grown up together their whole life.

Pre-game Prediction: The Warriors will win Game 7 by 20 points and LeBron James will get injured

The Cavs are going to lose [by 20]. LeBron's going to get injured in the first half, and people are just going to always talk about how if he had played healthy, they would have won.

LeBron James should leave Cleveland now because his mission in town is accomplished

My question is, is this the worst thing that could ever happen in Cleveland? Like, is LeBron James gone now? Like, is his mission in town over? Why would you want to stay in Cleveland if you're LeBron? Like, what if he goes back to Miami?

The 2018 NBA Finals will be the Charlotte Hornets vs. the Seattle SuperSonics

2018 NBA Final predictions, give us a winner as well. Hornets in five... Hornets versus Sonics. Sonics are back. Hornets in five. Book it.

LeBron James isn't actually clutch; he's just a 'carrier' of a mutated clutch gene that he passes to teammates

LeBron James still doesn't really have it [the clutch gene], but he is a carrier of it. He's mutated it, and Kyrie [Irving] caught it from him... much to LeBron's chagrin, Kyrie became more clutch than he was after catching the disease from him. He's the carrier of the mutated genes. He's the Zika fly.

My dad was convinced Barry Sanders was coming out of retirement every year until 2008

My dad was convinced I would say up until about 2007 or 8 that Barry Sanders was coming back. He had himself convinced every summer right around camp season... He'd be like, someone's going to take Barry Sanders. Someone's going to pick him up. You just watch.

Steph Curry throwing his mouthguard at a fan is assault and battery

It's assault, right? Like, let's be honest. It's assault. Steph Curry, I mean, he's an NBA player... he's a professional athlete, probably has some sort of communicable STD, getting hit with that mouth guard. That is grounds for lawsuit. That's assault. I believe it's also battery.

Ayesha Curry's tweet about the NBA being rigged was a viral PR stunt for Under Armour shoes

She could always say, guess what? This was a viral spot for my husband's Under Armour shoes. I got 70,000 retweets, got everybody talking about me... You guys just got Kimmeled, America.

LeBron James is sleeping with Beyonce to impress her

Do you think that LeBron James is sleeping with Beyonce? I think it's a good possibility... LeBron James played tonight like he was showing off for a certain somebody sitting courtside, if you know what I'm saying.

The Warriors will beat the Cavaliers 107-91 in Game 7 of the NBA Finals

My prediction for Game 7 is... It's going to be 107-91 Warriors.

The Warriors will beat the Cavaliers by 15 points in Game 7 of the NBA Finals

I think Steph's going to play, Warriors by 15.

Carson Wentz's gas station bathroom story is a fake alibi for doing something else

I don't think this actually happened... I think that Carson was doing something that he wasn't supposed to be doing. And he was setting up an alibi for himself... anytime somebody starts throwing in these unnecessary details about a weird event that happened, it's because they're trying too hard to corroborate their story.

The Bulls will dangle Jimmy Butler and Derrick Rose in trade talks all summer but trade neither, leading to a dysfunctional locker room

The Bulls are such a fucking shit show because what they're going to do is they're going to dangle Jimmy Butler and Derrick Rose all summer long. They're not going to trade either, and they're both going to come back and be grumpy as fuck and hate the front office.

Jimmy Butler is not and will never be a relevant NBA player

Jimmy Butler is not a relevant player. He's never going to be a relevant player... every time you mention Jimmy Butler's name on the show, like I want to go shoot heroin into my arm and pass out.

The winning score at the 2016 U.S. Open will be plus 25

I heard the winning score is going to be like plus 25. Doesn't matter with DraftKings it will be fun the triple bogeys will be exhilarating.

I officially hate the New Orleans Saints and will root against them on broadcasts

Joe Buck now hates the Saints... I think we should go on record and at least have one that I actually can't stand. And I'm just over the top rooting against. And whoever they're playing that week, I will refer to as we.

David Stern is still secretly pulling the strings of the NBA behind the scenes

Adam Silver's not. Adam Silver cleaned up the league... Meanwhile David Stern is behind the scenes suspending Draymond Green and getting these ratings... he's the master puppet and I love it.

Peyton Hillis had a more successful pro career than anyone else on that Arkansas team, including Darren McFadden

People forget that the most successful pro career of anybody on that Arkansas team was Peyton Hillis. Madden cover boy.

Draymond Green missed LeBron James' testicles because LeBron is on steroids

Draymond threw a punch directly into the groin and didn't make contact with LeBron James' nuts... steroids, common side effect, shrink the testicles. making them harder to hit, harder to locate. So I think that the fact that Draymond... didn't make contact... that is a major red flag. And if I'm Adam Silver, I'm personally walking a piss cup into the Cavaliers' locker room and making LeBron James urinate into it.

Human evolution is not real because our testicles aren't protected by a rib cage

I think this really proves, though, is that evolution is not real. Because if you think about it, if evolution was real, like the most sensitive part of the male body, what is it doing just like hanging out there in the open? It should be like horses. It should be like inside. There should be a rib cage around your balls protecting you. A ball shield.

The Oilers will face the Panthers in the 2018 Stanley Cup Final because they'll hoard more first-round picks

I got the Oilers because they probably have – they're going to somehow figure out a way to get like six more first-round picks between now and 2018. And the Florida Panthers.

Steph Curry is playing poorly because he is addicted to opioids

I think that Steph Curry, he got hurt and he got put on some pain medicine... Now he's off the pain medicine. He's off the Vicodin and he's addicted to opioids now. And so like he can't – He's got like a vicious hangover. He can't find a stroke because his arms are shaking.

The Cavaliers will lose the 2016 NBA Finals in six games

The series hasn't started yet... real talk... they're going to lose in six.

The NBA will give the Cavs the 'David Stern treatment' with favorable officiating in Game 4

I think they're going to win game four. And I think we're going to get another David Stern treatment where they'll get some calls. And game five and six, the Warriors will punish them.

If you do a bit better than the person who invented it, it becomes yours legally

I feel like if you do something a lot better than somebody else, then it becomes yours... On the internet, we call that a hat tip. So as long as you give somebody a hat tip, then you can steal all their shit and it's totally above board.

Cam Newton's next celebration should involve converting to Islam and refusing to stand for the anthem

Cam X, Cameron X, converted to Islam, doesn't stand for the national anthem. His touchdown dances to pray, and then he hands the ball to a black kid. I mean, there we go.

Maria Sharapova being caught for PEDs proves Serena Williams is using them too

My witch hunt is actually going to be, I think that this proves without a doubt that Serena Williams has been using PEDs. Because Sharapova is 2-19 against Serena Williams while Sharapova was taking PED.

Trent Richardson is definitely taking steroids if he thinks he is a Hall of Famer

Pre-crime. Trent Richardson is going to be using steroids. I'd say it's a fair assumption. He obviously has not taken any performance-enhancing drugs... but he hasn't been taking PEDs [yet].

Olympians should be banned from masturbating for months before the games to store up testosterone for their country

if I was his coach, I would consider cutting him because... right now, if you're an Olympian, you should not be masturbating. Now is the time where you need to be storing up these reserves of testosterone for the next like five months. You're competing for your country here, OK? The American flag is not a jizz rag.

The US Men's National Soccer Team could make some noise in the next two World Cups

I'd say that [soccer is] better than ever. I would say not this World Cup and next World Cup. The U.S. could really make some noise.

I am officially unretiring for a $10 million starting spot

Retired. Done. [Big Cat: $10 million?] Yeah, for sure.

NFL owners likely faked the Roger Goodell death hack to test public sentiment before potentially murdering him

I think it's more probable than not that this was an idea that was floated by the owners just to see – just to kind of like gauge the reaction and see what public sentiment would look like if Roger Goodell were to die. ... testing it out to see like if we killed him, would people hate us?

The NFL faked the Roger Goodell death hack to cover up a photo of a Patriots fan flipping him off

Tweet comes out last night or this morning, Patriots fan giving Goodell the finger in a picture. Bad look. Real bad look. One of Goodell's security guards got fired for that. You can't let that happen to the boss man. So how do we cover it up? Fake killed Goodell.

The Cavaliers are officially dead after Game 2 of the 2016 NBA Finals

The Cavaliers are officially dead. I feel confident about this time. I've done this before, and I had to eat some crow... because the Cavaliers have been blown out now two times and it looks like [it's over].

LeBron James is likely rooting for Kevin Love to miss time with a concussion so he has an excuse for losing

I feel like LeBron's probably rooting for Kevin [Love] to be out with a concussion because that way he's got something to point his finger at and be like, 'we weren't healthy.' He's got a little excuse there. If you're LeBron, you're making middle notes of all the excuses along the way that you can use.

The Golden State Warriors are better off without Steph Curry

I've seen enough and I know enough that if you take Steph out of the Warriors, they're just as good, if not better. [They haven't said his name] all series because he's been on the bench all series.

The Cavaliers are finished in the 2016 NBA Finals

Cavs, done or finished. It's looking pretty bad, man. I actually thought they were going to win tonight. It's looking pretty bad. I'm going to say they're finished.

The summer of 2016 is when soccer officially catches on in the US, especially if they can get a 'big tie' against Brazil

This is the summer it catches on. You watch. Some people have called it the summer of soccer. I think so. If they could get a big tie against like a Brazil or something, that's the launching point for soccer being the biggest sport in America.

LeBron James lacks grit because he peaked in high school

LeBron has no grit, but it's not from his own – it's not his own fault... I think that LeBron's just been screwed over. Like I said, the guy peaked in high school and... he was back in, like, 11th, 12th grade being put in the center of the universe.

The Zika virus is an official threat to the Rio Olympics because of sexual transmission

If you can't get your dick sucked or eat some vagina, there's no point in going to Rio. So Zika is now an official threat to the Olympics. If you're an Olympic athlete and you can't fucking suck your way through Rio, what's the point in going?

LeBron James would be a better player if he had gone to college

I think maybe if LeBron James had gone to college, he would be a better player. What do you learn in college? You learn how to make new friends and how to trust other people. LeBron has some trouble with that.

LeBron James peaked in high school

I'll be the first to say it. LeBron James peaked in high school. There it is. Boom.

We need to stop talking about Shaun Livingston's knee injury because it was a decade ago

At what point can we just move on from the Shaun Livingston knee issue? It's been, I don't know, six, seven years. He's been totally fine for a really long time... I just want people to stop with Sean Livingston's stuff. He had a knee injury 10 years ago. Knees grow back by then.

The 1996 Bulls are the best team of all time because they hold the record for combined regular and postseason wins

If you add up the regular season and the postseason record, the Bulls already have the title for best team of all time. This chicken is fucked. Put to bed. Tucked in.

The 'glowing puck' ruined the NHL and likely caused the 2004-05 lockout

The glowing puck, did they get rid of that because it was easier to play defense? I think they took the non-hockey followers word too seriously and kind of ruined the game. I really think that's probably why the lockout happened.

The Blackhawks' championship window is still open because their management is elite at filling core pieces

No, their GMs and staff are just so good. And they're like one team that has truly, they've picked out their main core. They know what it is. And they just do a great job of filling in the pieces and finding ways.

The horse Nyquist has AIDS

The horse has AIDS. Right. The first thing I did was... Fuck the horse. Both on Twitter and in real life.

Seeing a hot nude of your ex on your phone actually makes you more attractive to your current girlfriend

I would say that this is actually a good move for the guy because... she's jealous because you've got a hot nude of your ex on there. And so now she's like, there's something about this guy that makes chicks want to send him nudes. And so like in her mind, now you're like, you're one notch up now.

I hope Nyquist the horse dies because his Twitter account is run by a nerd

I now am fascinated with Nyquist the horse... I hope Nyquist dies. I'll say it. Biggest piece of shit horse. And you know what, Nyquist? That's your horse owner's fault for running a shitty Twitter account. I wouldn't have wished death on you if you just had a semi-normal person running her Twitter account.

Gorillas are more valuable than humans because they are the patriarch of human invention

Technically humans, all those things that are invented by humans, humans are invented by gorillas, right? Like evolution. So wouldn't you say that gorillas are more valuable than humans? They're the patriarch of all those things. They're basically God.