Takes

Sour Patch Kids are elite movie snacks

If I go to a movie, I'm getting two snacks... My second snack, always Sour Patch Kids, people, elite movie snacks. They're very, very good.

Orange is the best Starburst flavor

I personally like orange, orange. [Big Cat: Pink is last, that's crazy.] Orange, red. See yellow. Okay.

Pink is the greatest Starburst flavor

Pink one. One's... Pink is the, is the goat. Pink's the only one for me.

The Detroit Lions will be a better football team this year

I think the [Lions] will be better this year, but [Dan Campbell], the way he talks to his team, like the fact that he's always on the verge of crying football guy tears, he's always on the verge of crying. Holy shit, can that guy fire up a team?

Sean Marks is a bad GM because he brought in Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving

I kind of agree with Kevin Durant. I think that Sean Marks is a bad GM because he brought Kevin Durant in. So Kevin Durant is right. They should fire him for bringing him in there.

You can't be upset that Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving are trying to run the Nets after you gave them ownership of the team

You gave Kevin Durant basically ownership of this team. You can't be like, 'Oh my God, how could this happen? He wants everyone fired.' You gave them the team. You can't be upset that now the guys who you gave the team to are trying to run the team.

Linebackers have become the running backs of the defense

I think that linebackers have kind of become the running backs of the defense where you don't need to pay a right. You don't need to start. Right. And I, in a way, like I missed the old days where it was, you know, like a linebacker centric league.

I don't believe Chris Sale actually fell off a bicycle

I just don't believe it. I was gonna say like, gut, just going off my gut right now until I see video evidence. I think he was like playing basketball. I think it was something else. Yeah, no I do. I do not believe because Chris Sale... he just is the king of weird injuries. So I, I don't, I don't really buy it.

Cam Smith is leaving the PGA Tour for the LIV Tour

My cool throne is going to be Cam Smith... He's leaving the PGA tour and going to the LIV tour. Allegedly as first reported by Pardon My Take. ... He's gonna be joining the LIV tour for a hundred million. Pretty good.

Watching Beth Mowins call a low-scoring Big Ten game early on a Saturday morning was the perfect way to ease into a day of college football

The Big 10 has their new contract... That means, unfortunately, ESPN will not have the Big 10 and we will not have Beth Mowins putting us in a perfect spot on a Saturday morning, watching Purdue and Northwestern have a punt off. And I'm gonna miss that, because that game means a lot to me. It was a great way to ease you into Saturday because I don't like having a huge game right away.

Colin Cowherd knows exactly who PMT is and is doing a bit by pretending not to

He is now going on seven years of the running gag of pretending he doesn't know who we are... he described me as a standup comedian, big guy, big physical presence. And I like, at this point I respect Cowherd for doing this because he is so committed to it... for him to pretend he doesn't know what the number one sports podcast is. I actually tip my cap. Like it's funny.

Mekhi Becton's shattered kneecap could be good for his career

I think maybe this time will do him well, mature, and we'll see him this year. The shattered kneecap could be really good for his NFL career is what I'm trying to say, trying to be optimistic.

The Rams would have won the Super Bowl by more if Jared Goff was the quarterback instead of Matthew Stafford

Trading for Matthew Stafford was a bad idea. They would've won the Super Bowl by more if Jared Goff was our quarterback. Matthew Stafford was a bad idea.

You can never be at the same level of authentic humanity as Pat Tillman

I try to not talk too much about Pat because I feel like he lived his life at such a high level for me to talk for him... I'm trying to raise my game so I can actually be at that similar level, but you could never be at a level of someone like him.

Lion's Mane mushroom is a daily regimen everyone should use for brain health

Lions Mane is great for your brain for neuronal growth basically for all neurons in your body. Lions Mane is one that we're gonna have a lot of research done here soon that's gonna show that it's a something that everybody should have in their daily regimen.

Getting head is a universally loved thing

Our first pick is getting head. Getting your [dick] sucked or getting eaten out if you were a lady. Everyone likes head. I think this is the obvious one too.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

The Yankees suck and won't even make the playoffs

They suck. Blow up the team. They won't even make the playoffs. [The Yankees] suck. It's been the same team five years in a row.

The Phillies are a legitimate World Series contender now that Bryce Harper isn't playing

My preseason pick from the NL is coming on strong right now. The Phillies. Yes. The Phillies are fucking good. [It's] what happens when, when Bryce Harper stops playing for your team, you accomplish big things.

The West Coast offense is the most beautiful offense ever created

I grew up in the West Coast offense. West Coast offense, I think is the most beautiful offense ever created. It's very, it's about timing and rhythm and balance and everything makes sense protection wise... It started with Bill Walsh and Montana and Paul Hackett.

Jordan Davis was the best pick of the 2022 NFL Draft

Jordan Davis, that was the pick of the draft. There were actually, I'm gonna put that in the same category as the Ravens, when they just get great players that fall to them. When the Eagles picked [Jordan Davis], I was like, why is he still on the board?

The Choco Taco discontinuing was a genius marketing move and it's coming back

My other who's back is the Choco Taco. They said they're bringing it back. Stay woke. That was a genius movie. Choco Taco's going Morbin time. They just reminded everyone the Choco Taco rules and then everyone like pull it away.

Earth is spinning faster and it is going to break our technology

Earth is back. There was an article that came out last Friday that said that the earth is now spending faster than it has before. Specifically on June 29th, midnight arrived 1.59 milliseconds sooner than expected. It is gonna fuck up technology.

Sean McDermott is a sleeper pick for a fight because of his wrestling background

This one I think is also pretty obvious, but might not be to the naked eye. It's Sean McDermott. He was a back to back national prep champion wrestler, like all time. Good wrestler had a 61 and oh record surrendering just one take down. You get in a fight, how many people that you fighting know how to wrestle?

Steve Harvey has surpassed Louie Anderson as the greatest game show host

One guy who's transcended all of that [Alex Trebek] and even surpassed Louie Anderson, who nobody thought ever could, is Steve Harvey with Family Feud. He's America's host... I think Steve definitely did that.

I will probably retire in 3 or 4 more years

I do think deep down realize this chapter of my life's coming to a close soon. I'm trying to enjoy it a little bit more than when you're 21... [Retire] in three more years. Maybe four.

Bill Belichick would be an elite fighter because he knows pressure points

Bill Belichick. He's a little older now, but Dalton and Roadhouse where he sees all the angles and he sees a guy with a knife in his boot before the knife comes out. I also feel like he's a big time pressure point guy. He could just walk up to you and you'd faceplant.

I grew up as a Chicago Bulls and Cubs fan

Chicago was Chicago. You got a hundred years of bears football almost right. You have the Chicago bulls. I grew up a bulls fan... and we could get WGN so we could watch, you know, Cubs, baseball, Harry Caray, you know, that was like iconic and bulls basketball. So we're like, so I grew up watching Chicago sports.

The COVID grandmother jokes are not funny

I mean, I know you guys are fucking around. I don't find that, that part funny. I really don't like--

The 2014 NFC Championship loss to the Seahawks is the worst of my career

[The worst loss was] the NFC championship against Seattle. If one play goes our way out of all these... there's like eight plays. If one of 'em goes our way... we win that. We played New England who we had beaten earlier that year at home... but yeah, that one hurts. Always gonna hurt.

Todd Bowles and Mike Zimmer are two of the toughest defensive coaches to play against

I think Todd Bowles has done a good job at that over the years. I think he's a really good coach. What coach Bowles does with the pressure package... [and] Mike Zimmer for a long time was as hard as it came playing against because they had eight up looks, you know, double a gap and then double edges. It was one of the toughest defenses to go against.

Matt LaFleur's use of constant pre-snap motion is frustrating because it prevents shifting tempo

I tell Matt [LaFleur] the same thing. I'm not telling you guys anything I wouldn't tell him. I got after him a day because every freaking play there's goddamn motion. I'm like, can we run one play without a motion to pass so we can get some tempo going because I like to switch the tempo. It makes it a little extra, extra strenuous sometimes on the quarterback.

I'm officially done with the preseason after one quarter of the Hall of Fame game

Every Hall of Fame game's the exact same. Seeing the helmets is great. Seeing the field is great. And then you're just like, okay, this kind of sucks. I want the real football. ... As soon as the first quarter of the first preseason game is over, I'm like just fucking get over with the preseason. I'm done with the preseason. Get me to the regular season.

I still believe in Kyle Sloter as the preseason quarterback of all time

Kyle Sloter, who right now is beating the Raiders three to nothing... He stinks? He's preseason quarterback of all time. The fourth quarter too. There's still the fourth quarter Kyle Sloter. I still believe in him. If you've watched him play, you should believe too.

Vin Scully is the best play-by-play broadcaster of all time

Yeah, no, definitely. He is the best play-by-play broadcaster of all time. He has moments that you could put in a dictionary. Like you could fill a dictionary with just thousands of pages... If I could have 1% of the success that he had, that would be a successful career. He is the best ever.

The Cleveland Browns are the 'rapist franchise' for betting on a light Deshaun Watson sentence

Anytime you're like I'm betting on a sex criminal getting a light sentence. That's the good thing that can happen for me. You're fucked. It's also like betting on Hitler to win World War II. Right? It's like you won, but it's like now you're the rapist franchise. Yeah. Congratulations.

Lamar Jackson has a very high ceiling for his sex life because of how weird he is

Lamar is such a fucking weird guy. I can't even fathom how he fucks. Like him being his own agent is weird, but it could be that kind of thing where it's like a weird guy often has either he can't fuck at all. Or he has top shelf Dick. Right? ... I'm kind of thinking Lamar's got, he's so strange. But when he zeros in on pussy, he goes fucking be on it.

The Jets are my dark horse pick for the highest ceiling in the AFC East

I think if you're betting on like the highest ceiling of dark horse, Jets. ... Zach Wilson's the baby face. ... They got the ear, the earpiece is very important. Yes. Cause Zach Wilson has what he—he's got the physical tools, but he doesn't have the know-how. And I think with [Robert] Saleh his ear... they're, he's got that big for the Jets.

Tua Tagovailoa's stock is a sell because he married his college sweetheart in Miami

He just got married to his college sweetheart. Oh. Which is weird, like far outside of college... Miami. Yeah. Like he went to Miami and then he is like, you know what girl I met in Alabama. Sell your fucking Tua stock. He's sick-fuck wise, that's the nail in the coffin. He's done. He'll be in the CFL in two years.

Doug Peterson fucks with the visor on and is likely a swinger

Doug Peterson, he fucks with the visor on... [Big Cat: He definitely seems like absolutely... leave the garage cracked... come on in, got a hot tub... The whole cul-de-sac is coming to Doug Peterson's house.] He's got like seven different blenders in his room. Like here's my, this is my Thai room here.

Russell Wilson is so coachable he probably invites his trainer to the bedroom to spot him

I actually think that Russell Wilson probably cares so much about doing a good job that he would invite his trainer to help him with—watch him fuck. ... No, his—he's fucking, he's got his trainer moving the hips for spotting. Here you go to beat the glutes, activate the glutes, let your cheeks free... too much tension in the cheeks, Russ.

The Cowboys are disqualified from success because Mike McCarthy is the worst in the league

McCarthy, that's a disaster. He's got—he's spilling on himself in the bedroom. Where the fuck did this mustard come from? ... He disqualifies the Cowboys. He's so right. He's so bad. He might be the worst, worst fuck—worst guy getting pussy in the whole league.

Jalen Hurts has power but will never find the G-spot for the Eagles offense

Jalen Hurts is fucking powerful, but he just never hits the G-spot. Yes. So it's like—this could—yes. If you could just get it a little bit and you're tantalized. Yeah. If you get a little over, this would be the best sex of my life. It's never coming, baby. ... Everything is right, where you just can't find it.

Aaron Rodgers will win another Super Bowl because he has something to prove

Rogers... he's fucking for four days straight... And he's got something to prove. He's gonna win another. I know it. Because it just, it's gonna kill me. Because I love just being like, if you have one Super Bowl you have none. No, he's gonna win another.

Kirk Cousins wears three condoms and a dental dam for max protection

Kirk Cousins is like vegan adjacent. He wears three condoms and a dental dam or whatever. Max protection... No flavor whatsoever going on in that fuck session... He's getting head with a condom on. We've gotta be safe.

Pete Carroll has the best sex of any NFL head coach

Pete Carroll has great... probably the best sex of any NFL head coach. But in my mind he's having sex with like a beautiful female version of exactly Pete Carroll. [Stavros: Watching Pete Carroll chew gum would get my pussy drenched.] They're fucking in the rain. He's still got the raincoat on top.

The 2022 Super Bowl will be Chiefs vs. Buccaneers or Packers

Super Bowl champion, Kansas City Chiefs, from what we've gone through... it's gonna be Chiefs versus who in the NFC dude, do we, who do we decide? ... I think it is [Brady]. We kind of came to that conclusion, right? ... Or, or, or [Rodgers] unfortunately. ... Purely fuck-wise.

The Kansas City Chiefs will be the 2022 Super Bowl Champions

Super Bowl champion, Kansas City Chiefs, from what we've gone through... it's gonna be Chiefs versus who in the NFC dude, do we, who do we decide? Brady?

Bill Gates is a loser for using his hall pass on a woman his own age

Bill Gates is such a fucking loser. He could have any girl in the world. His wife gave him a hall pass and he fucked someone his exact same age... Money buys everything. [PFT: He might be the exception.] Instead he was like, yeah, remember that when I was 16 and we kissed underneath the bleachers... but she's also 70. You have no imagination.

The breakup of Chrissy Teigen and John Legend will be the greatest day on the internet

I can't wait for Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It's gonna be the best day on the internet. Like all these people being like, what is love anymore? ... It will be the greatest breakup of all time... Their private life must be a horror show. John legend... that's the kind of guy that cheats as he gets older. He's gonna do it like in a classy way.