Takes

The Irish Goodbye is the single best way to leave a social gathering

Irish goodbye is our first pick. There's no better goodbye than Irish goodbye. When you just are, you can just leave and you don't have to worry about saying goodbyes and you're just gone... The Irish goodbye is one, one of goodbyes.

The 'Notes App' social media post is a top-tier way to announce a career change

We're gonna go with posting a notes app on social media to announce a career change. Thanking everybody involved... a lot of people, public figures do this, right? They say goodbye via notes app. And it usually puts their name in the trending column. So I think it moves the needle.

The Daily Show was the most dysfunctional place I have ever worked

The daily show was easily the most dysfunctional place I've worked because the network set it up the wrong way. They hired the executive producer first and then they didn't, they hired me second. And so it was very dysfunctional. I just ignored it and scored on the air and got out of there.

The NFL is in trouble because watching on a couch is 10 times better than going to a stadium

The NFL's in trouble. I think in terms of like ticket sales, they're gonna start building smaller stadiums, I think in the future. Cause like it is the, the cat's outta the bag. Your couch is 10 times more comfortable than going to a stadium.

I would pay any price for NBA League Pass

For the NBA league pass, I would pay anything. I have to watch those games. So I think it's like, I think it's 300 bucks. I don't know what it is, but don't tell Adam silver, but if it was higher I would pay higher.

Justin Fields is in such a bad situation that we might not know if he's actually a bad quarterback

He is going to be the perfect test case of if he's good, it's in spite of everything that's been stacked against him. And if he's bad, we're not even gonna know if he's truly bad because it's been that much of like, he has nothing. So I could totally see him being terrible for the bears and then getting a second chance somewhere else and flourishing.

I am going to win the $1.2 billion Mega Millions drawing

By this time tomorrow, I'm going to be 1.02 billion in debt with a B... I've worked my own way into that sort of situation. Cuz I went out to the store. I bought $500 worth of mega millions tickets... I've fairly confident that I'm going to win the drawing tomorrow night.

Wolverines are more closely related to seals and sea lions than they are to wolves

Wolverines are related to seals and sea lions closer than actual wolves.

We are actively trying to never be nominated for a Sports Emmy unless it is for the John Cena interview

We are actively trying to never be nominated for everything... if they wanna nominate us and only do it on our John Cena interview, we're in.

Collecting signatures is objectively weird and has been replaced by the selfie

I don't think that as a society, we talk enough about the fact that collecting signatures is just fucking weird. Yeah. It is. Especially if you have a picture and you're like, 'Hey, can you write your name on the, on this picture that I have of you?'... I do think that the selfies have taken the place of it, which is a hundred percent, way more meaningful.

LeBron James is actually 0-10 in NBA Finals appearances if you apply the proper asterisks

LA Fraud is actually 0 and 10 in the finals in my eyes. 2007, lost swept. 2011 lost. 2012, baby thunder doesn't count. 2013, Ray Allen also rigged. 2013, Ray Allen doesn't count. 2014 lost. 2015 lost. 2016, injured warriors doesn't count. 2017 lost. 2018, lost swept. 2020 Mickey Mouse doesn't count.

Ben Simmons' claim that playing with Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant would be 'scary' meant he was literally scared to play

[Ben Simmons] said, quote, 'It's going to be scary.' So I actually think he was correct about this. He was talking about, he was just expressing his emotions. He was like, 'I'm scared to play. I'm scared to play basketball.'

Dan Orlovsky will do a one-on-one sit-down interview with Deshaun Watson to teach him how to 'not be horny'

I think that we are going to get a, one-on-one sit down interview with Dan Orlovsky and Deshaun Watson. And he is going to set him straight on how to not be horny... Dan Orlovsky, according to his rules, it would be like, 'Deshaun, don't ever go to a room by yourself. Don't ever be in the same room as a woman.'

LeBron James will respond to Skip Bayless and try to 'Time's Up' him

I think this is the year that LeBron responds to Skip. Tries to get him off the air... Skip's gonna start going after Bronny Jr. And then LeBron's gonna be like, 'that's a bridge too far. Time's up.' He's gonna try and time's up Skip.

The LIV Tour could eventually take over everything in our lives, including this podcast

I mean, it's a possibility that live tour could just take over everything that we like. Yeah. In every single branch of our life in this podcast. Yes. Open for business.

It is time for Bill Belichick to retire because the game has passed him by

It's time for Bill Belichick to retire. Has the game passed him by?... If Mac Jones is not the answer this year... I think we're gonna have the conversation: 'Bill, is it time to go coach lacrosse?'

Paul Rabil retiring was the best thing to happen to professional lacrosse

Is it a coincidence that the PLL had their best year ever after Paul Rabil retired? Was Paul Rabil bad for professional lacrosse? Some are saying.

A team that a PMT member roots for will win a championship in the next year

A team that a PMT member roots for will win a championship. We have so many opportunities.

2023 will be the 'year of normality' and a return to normalcy

I'm gonna say that it's gonna be the year of just normality. A return to normalcy.

The 'Finger of the Year' award should be permanently named after Urban Meyer

The winner of finger of the year... it's Urban Meyer's finger at the bar. Of course it is. I knuckle deep in a butthole... I feel like this one's gonna stick around. And it might be named after Urban Meyer going forward. I think that's how impressive his performance was this year.

The LIV Tour paid Cameron Smith too much money

I think that they paid [Cameron Smith] too much. Yeah.

The LIV Tour paid Cameron Smith too little money

I think they paid [Cameron Smith] too little.

Odell Beckham Sr. deserves credit for getting his son a Super Bowl through his viral baker Mayfield video

[Odell Beckham Sr.] released a video on YouTube that said Odell Beckham is always open... It was just a breakdown of all the times that Baker Mayfield didn't throw it to Odell Beckham, Jr... He got his son a Super Bowl. Yes. Yes. He got his son a Super Bowl.

Anna Lynn McCord's open letter to Vladimir Putin is the ultimate form of narcissism

It's not only the ratio of the year, but it's might be narcissism of the year to be like, 'if I was your mother, I would've stopped all war.' It's also fucked up like towards Putin's actual mom. How do you know she wasn't a nice lady?

Winning 'Blake of the Year' carries a performance curse for professional athletes

Everything sort of went downhill after last year's Blake of the Year. I had a rough year fellas, and I think it started with those ping pong balls. Now I can't even look at a ping pong ball without thinking of the devastating loss... This kind of begs the question: is there a Blake of the Year curse?

The 2022 'Blake of the Year' is a legitimate title despite the suspension of Brooks Koepka

I'm gonna get ahead of this... the people out there, 'cause I'm sure there'll be a few, say this is a Mickey Mouse Blake of the Year because you're only competing against Blake Bortles and this were not Blake Koepka. I remind you that I believe for the first two Blake of the Years, these are the original Blakes. So don't bring that Mickey Mouse shit to this.

Historic NFL franchises should not use alternate helmets because they look 'candy ass'

The bears unveiled their new helmets. It's now cool for every team. ... that doesn't mean every team needs to do a alternate helmet and the bears kind of were the first team to show up and be like, oh yeah, not every team needs to do this. ... historic franchises should just keep with their regular helmets because there's no reason we're... we're not the Jaguars. ... It's Mickey mouse. It's it's it's candy ass.

The Bears and Commanders Thursday night game will be a low-scoring, boring affair with multiple coaching and kicking errors

it is gonna be against the commanders and the greatest Thursday night game that this podcast has ever seen. ... I feel like that is a vibe where it's like the coach [Eberflus], he's gonna lose two challenges. The wind is gonna blow the ball off the kicking tee at least twice in the course of the game. ... It's gonna be one of those that basically has a running clock the entire time, because both teams are just gonna run the ball and nothing exciting is gonna happen.

There should be extra enthusiasm for Aaron Judge hitting 62 home runs because it is the post-steroid era

Aaron judge has been mashing race to 62. I want everyone to get involved in that because it does look, I'm a, I'm a pro steroids guy. So I, I definitely think Barry Bond's the best player of all time. And I also think his records stand, but there should be like an extra enthusiasm. If someone can hit 62, just knowing that we're not in the steroid era anymore.

Beachfront spray kiosks for sunscreen would be a 'godsend' invention

I have a beach idea. ... it's a spray tan booth, but it's got sunscreen, spray sunscreen in it. So you just walk through it, they set up like a kiosk and you walk through it on your way out to the beach. You pay like 10 bucks and then you turn around like your Tony Hawk, your entire body gets coated in sunscreen. I feel like for kids, especially if you got kids, this is like a godsend of an invention.

Stephen A. Smith taking a month off for a shoulder injury in August is a 'soft move'

Stephen A. Smith is, but I do think, I do think he's talking about anything because he's taking the entire fucking month of August off with his shoulder injury, because he's not man enough to go on the air in August and talk about sports. This is, this is actually what really separates the good take Smiths from the bad ones. ... this is a soft move by Steven A. Smith.

I hate acting and am bad at it, and it's ironic that people keep offering me roles precisely because I tell them not to cast me

I only care about comedy. Right? You gotta force me to act. ... I'm saying this right now. And every time I say it, I get offered another gig. I don't like acting right. I'm bad at it, but they keep offering shit. ... It was like literally the director [of White Men Can't Jump] almost didn't put me in it. And I was like, why? He was like, well, I listen to brilliant idiots. And you specifically said, don't cast me. I'll ruin your movie.

Malcolm Gladwell is a guy who is just smart enough for dumb people to think he's a genius

Malcolm Gladwell is the, is the perfect case of a guy who's just smart enough that dumb people like ourselves think he's a genius. And then real smart people are like, no, no, no, no, this guy's full of shit.

Any rich person who doesn't buy a sports team is untrustworthy

Any guy who or any person, because I'm a feminist, any woman guy who has that much money and doesn't buy a sports team, can't be trusted... Piece of shit. Because it's like, what is the point of having that much money and not owning a sports franchise? Like that's, that's the end goal of society. ... The end goal is like buy an NFL team. That's what rich people do.

The Mets' season will inevitably implode in 'fantastic fashion' despite their current success

I'm sure the Mets are still good. ... Yeah, yeah. They'll be fine. I'm sure this won't just implode in, in fantastic fashion.

The reason people are so outraged today is because they are waiting too long to have kids

I think part of like the, everybody being outraged about things is we're waiting too long to have kids. ... because there is like, once you have kids, the little things, the little things do not bother you as much. ... I don't have time for that. I just want my kid to be like a good kid.

Jeffrey Epstein was definitely a CIA asset running a honey pot operation

I'm fully, I have Alex Jones myself on, on the whole Epstein situation because I know if you, if you connect all the dots, the dude was working for the CIA. ... He cultivated all these different networks of people... befriending the most powerful people in the world got them in a honey pot operation... And he was working for the CIA as well on their payroll.

James Dolan's 'Moneyball' approach to overpaying for good-but-not-great players is relatable

I kinda actually like, now that I'm saying it, I kind of like James Dolan's process strategy. ... as a gambling brain, I think the same thing where it's like, maybe this is maybe it's just like, everyone just plays their best for an entire season. ... let's sign people and just hope for the absolute best case scenario all the time. ... That is a gambling brain of like, yeah. Yeah. This is the one that's gonna work.

Jalen Brunson is an 'alpha' who will succeed in New York because of his Villanova background

Jalen Brunson actually might be one of those guys. He has a little that alpha. Cause like at Villanova, like you can see it. ... And like when Luka [Doncic] was down in that series, he picked it up. Like he does have that quiet, alpha, like I know what I can do and I'm gonna do it.

If my special is successful, it will force major streaming services to stop giving notes to comedians

Let's just teach these streamers that like, you know, people like funny jokes and it doesn't matter if they're messed up... if this is successful, they can't give comics and notes anymore. ... because you can't compete.

A pet is the absolute worst gift to receive

Any animal that you have to take care of? It's like, not a, it's not something that let's say you don't like the gift you can, you know, pretend to like it. And then kind of just forget about it. If you get an animal, like you have to take care of that animal.

A gym membership is a terrible gift because it implies the recipient is fat

Number one, a gym membership, because the double double, like whammy of basically saying that you're fat and you need to get in shape. And then like the gift is you just have to go punish yourself at the gym, a gym membership fucking sucks to give someone.

The Statue of Liberty was a bad gift from the French because of high maintenance and war obligations

The statue of Liberty was low key, a pretty shitty thing for the French to do to us. They just made this giant sculpture outta bronze. And it's like, here, you have to clean this every day or else it's gonna turn green and it's a big fucking woman and you ha it's so big that you have to find an island to put it on and oh yeah. It's also gonna make, you have to fight on our side in every war that happens from now until the end of eternity.

Trey Mancini is the Comeback Player of the Year

Comeback player of the year. We're going to [Trey Mancini]. I think that's well-deserved came back from cancer. I mean, who can top that? ... Trey Mancini has won the first Taiki of 2022.

Russell Wilson is reaching 'turn on tweet notifications' territory because of how corny he is

I was thinking about that yesterday. [Russell Wilson] is dangerously close to crossing into turn on tweet notifications territory. Because like, you never know what you're gonna get with [Russell Wilson] and it's going to be extremely corny, but extremely funny.

The LIV Golf tour is a failure as a sports-washing operation because it only makes people talk about Saudi Arabia's human rights record

The entire premise of the LIV tour through the public investment fund is to be like a giant commercial for Saudi Arabia... It's been a gigantic failure on that respect because all anyone talks about is how bad Saudi Arabia is when LIV tour comes up... it's definitely the Streisand effect.

The Bengals' white helmets will make them faster on offense but a liability on special teams

I think that the Bengals white helmets, it makes them faster on offense. They'll score... but special teams will be liability, kick coverage, especially, and kickoff returns. I don't see that working out well.

The Cardinals overpaid Kyler Murray with his new contract extension

How much do you think they overpaid for Kyler? ... I think they overpaid for him too. I really do. They only offered Pat Tillman $9 million. Kyler is sick at Call of Duty though.

Cardinals Week 1 against the Chiefs is a lock

I think [Arizona] Cardinals week one's when we a lock of the week... he's [Kyler Murray] engineered to be an early season guy with a home against the Chiefs... he's got a great line. Track meet and the chiefs don't have Tyreek.

Kyler Murray is an early-season betting lock, but Colt McCoy is the guy to bet on in mid-to-late November

I think that there are certain quarterbacks that you can do that it's like [Kyler Murray] is engineered to be an early season guy... [Colt McCoy] is a good quarterback to bet on for like one week it's mid-November... maybe late November. That's Colt McCoy territory.