Takes

The 2022 World Series will be the Yankees against the Braves

Yankees, Braves.

The 2022 World Series will be the White Sox against the Phillies

White Sox, Phillies.

The 2022 Masters Sunday is a Tier-1 nap opportunity

I think Sunday is like tier one nap. [The masters] has the raise and pitch and cadence of Jim Nantz's voice very slightly on Sunday. Cause he's a little bit more excited and he says, 'Imagine dragons.' It comes out a little bit more splash and pizazz.

Dilaudid is the greatest thing I've ever experienced

Dilaudid... That is the greatest thing I've ever experienced. I mean, it was really... that shit is amazing. I mean, that's medical heroin and it makes you want to try heroin. It's so good.

Dana White is banned from most major casinos for winning millions at blackjack

Dana White is banned from almost every major casino for playing blackjack because he has taken them for millions. He has a system and one of the casinos, they gave him a belt and they're like you are the champ and you are ready to kick somebody out. I don't know what his system is and we're talking walking out with like, 'Hey, I won $1.3 million playing blackjack.'

Every NFL team should have at least two fullbacks on the roster

I truly believe that every NFL team should have at least two fullbacks on the roster. Even though there's nothing that you can quantify to say this works. But I also am barely smart enough to realize that I'm dumb for thinking that NFL teams should run the ball with their full back more often.

Will Smith is actually at his most employable right after a public scandal

I feel like now would be the time to get Will Smith. Everyone's talking about him. It's like the safest time to fly as after a plane crash. And so like, if you want Will Smith to not slap somebody, now's the time that you bring Will Smith around.

Men avoid laughing at comedy because they don't want to surrender control of their consciousness

Tough guys never dance and tough guys often don't like laughing. They don't like comedy. If I'm doing comedy and there's someone in the front row with their arms crossed and they're daring me to invade them... it's because they don't want to give you control of their consciousness. Women tend to be more okay with giving you the control.

The awareness of death is what makes things like ice cream taste better

The fact that we're only here for a time imbues this moment with a richness that wouldn't be there if I lived forever. The stakes of death are what give life more value. And I would say make ice cream a little bit more delicious because it means more that you know it might be your last.

Losing to UNC in Coach K's final game will haunt me for the rest of my life

Whenever I'm happy, whenever anything goes in my life, whenever I'm feeling good or like something Patriots, Celtics, whatever it may be. I just know that Daniel Katz is gonna just at any chance he gets be like, 'Hey, remember when we killed coach K and the final four and UNC beat Duke in their last two games.' And it's just going to bring me down.

Most sports fans no longer care about college athletes getting paid or schools facing NCAA violations

It is the perfect champion for this day and age where the rules have changed. I'd say most people don't give a fuck about college players getting paid whatsoever. And the NCAA has just been dragging their feet... they're giving a trophy to a school that is also facing violations.

Kansas winning the 2022 national title is justice for their 2020 team having the tournament cancelled

It's justice though for Kansas for 2020, because going into that tournament... we I think we had Kansas number one overall seed. I think we picked them to win the championship in 2020 and the fake bracket. It's good to see Kansas get this bag.

Bill Self has the second-best active coaching resume behind Rick Pitino

Does Bill Self now, out of all the active coaches, have the second-best resume only to Rick Pitino? This second one for Bill Self puts him in rarefied air and it cements everything that he's done at Kansas. He has more wins than Jay Wright. He has gone to the tournament 23 straight years, and 12 out of those 23 he's gotten to at least the Elite Eight.

Coach K's legacy is forever stained by losing his final home game and final tournament game to North Carolina

Coach K's legacy is also forever stained. If Bill Self lost two important games to end his season this year, we would put that as a big dock. He would not be in the Rick Pitino [tier]. Pitino remains unstained.

The Final Four is a better and more fun sporting event to attend than the Super Bowl

I think the Final Four is borderline funner [than the Super Bowl] because the Sunday that you have... you get basically to drink all day Saturday, then you get a Sunday to come and like explore a city, have fun, see friends, all that stuff.

The Final Four is the premier father-son event on the sports calendar

Final Four feels like the most father-son event that happens in the sports calendar... you do see a lot of that. You see a lot of families walking around, which is kind of nice.

Elon Musk's involvement with Twitter will be good for trolls and memes

I think [Elon Musk] just going to make it easier for trolls online. I think he likes trolls. He likes memes. He likes trolls. I think this is good for us. Happy to see old Elon getting on board.

Andy Dalton is a dickhead for signing with the Saints and causing Blake Bortles to be cut

My hot seat is Andy Dalton being a nice guy because he signed with the Saints and Blake Bortles then asked to be cut because there was not enough room for Blake Bortles. So I'm starting to rethink this whole Andy Dalton thing... Andy Dalton, what the fuck, dude? Kind of a dickhead move.

St. Peter's has a chance to become a small-school powerhouse like Gonzaga

I actually think [St. Peter's] have a chance to become like one of these small school powerhouses that ends up like a Gonzaga. Seriously, like they'll make runs with... now that the school has had such an increase in enrollment and increase [in funding].

The Masters should never allow cell phones and should arrest anyone who breaks the rule

I hope they never do that [allow cell phones]. I hope they actually have like their own security staff arrest people that try to break the cell phone rule. I like Augusta as it is.

I am 100% guaranteed to make the cut at the 2022 Masters

The only thing that's made me nervous is for the first time in my life, I've kind of laid my nuts on the table and said I'm going to do something... I texted you that I was a 100% making this.

Laser tag is far superior to escape rooms for building workplace team chemistry

I've got a better way to build your work vibe and your team vibe. [Laser tag] feels way better than an escape room... solve your problems with aggression.

There is a path for me to win the Masters this year

There's definitely a world where I can see myself winning the Masters... I definitely need to accomplish one goal [making the cut], but I'm coming off of a made cut at my last major... so I'm streaking at the moment.

LeBron James' Lakers tenure has been a bust (excluding the Bubble title)

Would you say LeBron's time in LA has been a complete bust because we don't count the Mickey Mouse championship? And do you as a Lakers fan feel disgraced because you basically threw Kobe aside and started loving LeBron? They are right now out of the playoffs... it's been hard defending it.

My hatred for Aaron Rodgers is far greater than my hatred for Coach K

My hatred for Coach K is a five alarm fire. My hatred for Aaron Rodgers is literally the sun, the surface of the sun. So it's not even close, like not even close. This has been miserable for me.

Boneless wings are slow-twitch muscles and bone-in wings are fast-twitch

Boneless wings are slow Twitch muscles and bone in wings are fast Twitch muscles. In terms of on the chicken... I think it has more higher mineral density.

You should never order the most expensive steak on the menu when someone else is treating you to dinner

If you go out to dinner... my rule is you go one level beneath what her dad would [order]... Third or fourth most expensive steak is where you have to [be]. There's just always that feel. You have to judge who you're with. If you're out with someone who maybe can't afford a super expensive steak, just don't be that guy.

You cannot pair a stone-cold sober person with a heavy stoner in a relationship

You can't have somebody that's stone cold sober and somebody that's like high. Ben Buddha Ben needs... he needs a Buddha babe that understands him and gets him. But you can't pair up like a stone-cold sober person with that because the personalities just don't align.

If you agree to a bracket-based system for naming your child, you are legally bound to follow through with the winner

My problem with this is, if you agreed to this, you have—it's legally binding. You shouldn't have done this... naming our child off a completely random tournament, but you agreed to it. And now guess what? Your only recourse here is have another kid and then you get to name that kid.

Coach K is a hypocrite for claiming the 2022 Duke team was 'double champions'

I watched all of coach K's press conference... I didn't realize this, but coach K was helpfully telling the reporters... this team has actually, they accomplished something very rare in college basketball. They're double champions... He's counting their regular season ACC championship and winning the west region. Western region champions is this. So he threw Mark Williams completely under the bus... [claiming] it's not one player's fault but then bringing it up over and over.

Kansas will defeat UNC in the National Championship game

I'm going to predict it... I think Kansas is actually going to win. I'm going to bet on Kansas in the Natty, because I do feel like the UNC Duke game was UNC's national title... I feel like it was so much emotion that got spent in that game.

UNC's win over Duke is the final proof that Roy Williams was a better coach than Coach K over the last 20 years

Tonight's victory over duke is the final feather in the cap for Roy Williams, being a better head coach in the state of North Carolina than Mike Krzyzewski was in the last 20 years.

Caleb Love is an awesome player with no fear of the big moment

I love Caleb Love. He's awesome... He has no, it doesn't give a fuck... the moment wasn't too big for him. Cause he doesn't care. He just wants to fucking shoot no matter what the circumstances are.

Dan Snyder's financial theft from other owners will be what finally forces him to sell the team

Dan Snyder... Apparently Snyder was lying about how much money he was getting into his gate. So he was actively stealing from the other owners... if you steal a million dollars from Jed York, they want to kill you. And so it looks like if anything's going to happen, this would be what could bring Dan Snyder down.

Dan Snyder is as close as he's ever been to being forced to sell the Washington Commanders

Florio just texted me a second ago and was like, we're as close as we've ever been to him getting to sell the team... If Snyder was lying about how much money he was getting into his gate, he was actively stealing from the other owners... if you steal a million dollars from Jed York, they want to kill you.

The Masters at Augusta National is tarnished by letting Dude Perfect and Bryson DeChambeau film content there

The course at Augusta National Georgia... tough look over the weekend. Bryson DeChambeau and Dude Perfect got together... and they went to Augusta's Amen Corner... I actually am on the side of golf hardos that like, if you say that exclusivity is your thing and it's sacred, you can't have this.

I will continue to keep the same 'negative' energy about LeBron James as he requested

My who's back is LeBron... his tweets coming back and everyone's retweeting it... 'keep that same narrative energy when it begins'... And we are keeping that same energy. He asked me to... far be it for me to disobey one of LeBron James' orders.

The Lakers will miss the playoffs and I want them to get swept if they somehow make it

I really want them to make the playoffs because I want them to lose. I would like them to get swept in the playoffs. That'd be fun... [LeBron] asked me to keep that same narrative energy, so I am.

Duke's status as a 'Blue Blood' is fraudulent because their success is entirely dependent on one coach

Is Duke a blue blood? Are they a program that had one good coach? I'm talking about Vic Bubas who... went to the Final Four. Take away the Coach K era, what has Duke done? Nothing. They are a program that had one good coach.

I would bet my life that Duke will not win a national championship in the next 10 years

If Duke wins one title in the next 10 years, you've got to kill yourself... I'll take that bet. I would take the under... I'll bet you our lives. You get 10 years because... John Scheyer, we don't know. He's not proven.

UNC has a 70% chance of beating Duke in the Final Four

My own proprietary algorithm has the chances of UNC winning at 70%.

Coach K's career would be a disappointment if it ends with a loss to UNC

I just think that it would be the best possible ending to his career if he were to lose against UNC... The perfect ending would be if you were to lose against his arch rival, UNC. You'd have to say his career would be a disappointment if it ended—

Duke is going to smoke UNC in the Final Four

I'm very excited. I think [Duke is] going to smoke UNC... I just know how it goes. We know how it goes. We've done it before, you know, we'll do it again.

Duke is going to win the national title

I am actually very nervous. I'll be honest with you. I do think that Duke is going to win the national title. I've mentally prepared that in the back of my head.

Coach K is the greatest college basketball coach of all time

He is the best college coach of all time. I will admit that.

Duke will win the national championship

Jake decide. 3, 2, 1. [Jake]: Duke.

Coach K turned into a 'real weirdo' after the 1990s

I liked Duke in the nineties and then Coach K turned into a real weirdo after that and I was like, you know what? I'm out.

Tom Brady returned to the Buccaneers on the condition that Bruce Arians was removed as head coach

I think what really happened here is people with brains will agree that there was some sort of deal made between Tom Brady and the Glazer family... he told them that he was going to come back on the condition that Bruce Arians is no longer [there].

Todd Bowles is a top 10 NFL head coach

Todd Bowles coming back pulls my top 10 NFL head coach... sometimes you just say things out loud. If you have a take and then you look dumb for a couple of years after the fact, but then if you wait long enough, guess what that takes coming back around.

The Buccaneers will definitely make the playoffs

You look at the flaws of the other teams and then you have Tom Brady and in the continuity it's like, all right, Bucs will be in the playoffs.