Takes

Tiger Woods will play in the 2022 Masters

Leroy reported that Tiger Woods is coming back to play in the Masters... He said that he's like 85% sure on it.

Max Homa will make the cut at the 2022 Masters

[Max Homa] is gonna make the cut. He's going to make the cut.

George Carlin's comedy predicted much of what is currently wrong with society

Every time like something happens in the world, George Carlin has a standup bit that's like, oh, he predicted this. Or he's exactly correct about this.

Step Brothers is one of the funniest movies and is aging very well

The other one that I think holds up is Will and Adam McKay's movie Step Brothers. I feel like that one is aging very well. Every time it's on you just can't shut it off.

Soccer is a joke because games are decided by penalty kicks with lasers in players' faces

I said that soccer is a joke. Like the fact that, you know, your spot at the world cup is determined by a fucking penalty kick with laser beams getting shot in your face is a joke.

There is a 95% chance Tiger Woods plays in the 2022 Masters

I talked to my sources in the golf world, aka Frankie Borelli. And he said that there's a 95% chance [Tiger Woods] is going to be playing in the masters.

Max Homa would be the worst golfer of all time to win the Masters if he pulls it off

Max [Homa] would be the worst golfer of all time to win the masters... I'm saying this from a place of love, max would max home of the be worst golfer of all time to win the masters.

NFL fans will eventually find a new reason to complain about the overtime rules

I'm just pointing out the fact that we'll just find a new complaint. Cause if it keeps going, there will be a new complaint and it will be exactly like the new complaint we'll have the answer that the old complaint had is just play defense.

The Chicago Bulls are in a free fall and are currently a terrible basketball team

I look at the standings every day. The Bulls are in free fall. They're terrible right now. I just do not want to play the Celtics, the Sixers or the Bucks, because I don't want to have to deal with the fans of those teams.

Villanova cannot win the national championship because their bench is too thin following Justin Moore's injury

I don't know how you can go from a, 'we don't have any bench' to, 'we just lost a starter' and be like we're okay. I have a future on [Villanova] that I'm just going—it was lit on fire once Justin Moore went down. So let it ride.

The Will Smith slap of Chris Rock was fake because Will Smith taught a kid how to fake slap a month prior

There's a video out of Will Smith a month ago, teaching a kid how to fake slap. I don't know if you guys see this on TMZ... I'm just saying, you know, it looks like a guy who's been practicing slapping.

Will Smith and Chris Rock will eventually do a Pepsi commercial together to cash in on the slap controversy

My prediction is that there will be a Pepsi commercial this summer. Kendall Jenner gives them both a Pepsi and they crack it open. And yeah, everything's copacetic.

It would be 'fucking hilarious' if the US Men's National Soccer Team loses by 6 goals and misses the World Cup

If the U.S. team loses by six goals tonight then they don't automatically qualify... I as a giant U.S. men's national team soccer fan, I can admit that if they lose by six goals tonight and don't qualify, that is fucking hilarious. I hope either they win or they lose by six or more goals tonight.

LeBron James has it in his contract that he cannot be shown in Lakers loss photos on Twitter

Every single time the Lakers lose a game and they post the final score on Twitter, they never include a picture of LeBron... I absolutely think this is in his contract. He definitely put this in his contract. So you cannot include me in any lost pictures.

College athletics will see more structural changes in the next five years than in any previous ten-year span

Over the next five years, there will be more changes in college athletics than any previous ten-year period. And it's because of the ability to not be able to adjust.

I refuse to recruit players whose primary dream is just to make the NBA because it is too limited

I do not want to recruit you if when I ask, 'What is your biggest dream?' if you tell me your biggest dream is to make the NBA, I do not want you to come play for us. That is so limited. That is so shallow... if that's what you're telling me your dream is, I don't want you to come play with us because we go about this every day like this is your dream.

Kansas is going to win the national championship because of their superior defensive talent

The way Kansas played in the second half yesterday, their talent is worthy of being in the Final Four. Their coach is a Hall of Famer, but what they were doing defensively just absolutely negated an incredible run by Miami. So I would probably be against the grain, but I think... Kansas is going to be right there.

I am the greatest 7th round draft pick underdog in NFL history

I'm a seven round draft pick. That's why I call myself the greatest underdog seven round draft pick here I am in going into year eight. And I kind of proved myself to be one of the best offensive tackles in the game.

The Raiders medical staff almost killed me by accidentally putting air into my veins via IV

That shit just got air. I got air in my veins... they almost killed me. You know what I mean? They basically weren't paying attention... I was laid out on the floor. Like basically I was just sitting there, they pull out the syringe or whatever. And then I pass out. I didn't, I couldn't feel my limbs. I'm shaking. I'm sweating. Jesus. Like, you know what I mean? So that shit was scary.

Raising children as fans of losing teams like the Lions or Browns is good for their character development

I think that a healthy amount of adversity—losing, growing up—actually has a good impact on the kid for learning how to deal with all that. Whereas if they... just made them say like a Patriots fan who also rooted for Duke, then they'd turn out to be a real piece of shit.

Villanova should officially be considered a basketball Blue Blood

If you look at, you mentioned Bluebloods, these are four. I would even say Villanova might be a blue blood... I would take away one drop of blue blood from Kentucky, like Elizabeth Holmes, and I'm giving it to Villanova.

A UNC win would prove Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K

If UNC wins, that would be an all-time vindication for Roy Williams, being a better head coach than Coach K... If Roy Williams picked the perfect time to walk away and his hand chosen successor beat Coach K who stuck around for year long, suck Fest... I think that's another feather in the cap for Roy.

Coach K's farewell tour is already a success because he reached the Final Four

Getting to the Final Four is like his farewell tour has worked. I've already admitted some defeat because getting to the Final Four is like his farewell tour has worked.

If you do not have a strong opinion about Duke basketball, you are not a real sports fan

Duke is binary. If you don't have an opinion about Duke, I don't trust you as a sports fan. Either you love Duke or you hate them. You can't be like, I don't know, I never really had an opinion about Duke.

Coach K fucks like a stallion

Mike K fucks like a stallion. And I was like, oh, I can't believe I just tweeted this. I don't think he, he doesn't fuck. He makes love.

Will Smith is a Scientologist

Will Smith's a crazy person and Jada Pinkett Smith's a crazy person. I'm pretty sure they're Scientologists... if you have to say, I'm not a Scientologist, you're a Scientologist. That's the test right there.

The Will Smith slap at the Oscars was a fake, staged event

When Chris Rock took the slap, he watched Will Smith walk up to him... the whole time Chris Rock has hands behind his back. And when he got slapped, you know, he was just totally open... honestly, I fall for a lot of fake stuff on the internet. And this is one of those ones where I'm just like fake.

Open relationships are always bullshit

Will Smith's in an open relationship with Jada Pinkett Smith... Open relationships are always bullshit because of this. Like, he probably is like, oh, I got to do something. Otherwise someone else is going to have sex with her tonight.

The Will Smith slap meme will reach mass exposure quickly but will resurface during the NBA Finals

The countdown clock on [the meme] is finite. So like when Michael Jordan cried... it had a longer tail on it. This one it's like, okay, everyone's seeing it tonight and tomorrow. And then after that, it's going to take a big pause. I was thinking actually until football season, but when meme said NBA finals, he's absolutely right. The NBA finals are a hundred percent going to be ground zero for this move to resurrect.

All of life is a simulation

I'm going to put it at a 1% chance of being fake, but that's solely because all of life is fake and we're all living in a simulation. If that's true, then this is part of that. And then I was right to call that part.

Will Smith and Chris Rock will host the next Oscars together

I think that Chris Rock and Will Smith will definitely be hosting next year's Oscars together. I also think that they're probably going to do like a little routine together. At some point they're going to be in a commercial.

The current USMNT roster is a 'Golden Generation'

The U.S. Men's National Team... suck my dick Italy. They didn't make it. We did... the golden generation for the U.S. soccer team is here. I just hear people say that. It sounds so cool when they say it. So I think we can officially declare because this team is young enough. I'm just going to say, this is our golden generation.

The USMNT will get out of the group stage in the 2022 World Cup

When we make the World Cup, we always get out of pool play.

NFL football takes priority over the USMNT World Cup games on Sundays

It's Sunday, we're here. We're watching games. You say, Hey, USA's about to play. You're not getting a TV and I'll watch the games. I'll watch every other, like when football's not on... but we have to, you realize that, right? Not a TV on a Sunday. You have to stand for something.

LeBron James only cares about breaking the NBA scoring record now

LeBron dropped 39 tonight... and they lost... literally all he does is score points for the record... classical LeBron, Hey fellows. Remember one thing a woman will always love and vibe with a real true player.

MLB should adopt the Savannah Bananas rule where a fan catching a foul ball is an out

Banana ball rule number nine, if a fan catches a foul ball, it's an out and it happened and it went viral... I feel like the majors should consider... if they did that to the majors, that'd be, that would change the game with home field.

Bert Kreischer has a Division 1 level tennis serve

I have a division one serve in tennis... I aced him [Tom Segura] 42 times... his tennis coach pulled Thomas out before the match. He said, 'heads up your boy's got a division one serve.'

A 'Two Bears Racing' endurance team is a viable business idea

I came up with stupid fucking two bears racing... I fucking just invested a hundred thousand dollars... already in just talking about it, all our advertisers for two bears have asked if they could buy space on the car. And I'm like, oh, this could work out pretty good.

Having two dishwashers in a house is a brilliant life hack

I love original ideas... this guy was like, dude, I got two dishwashers in my house... who the fuck? I just loaded one up. And then I have one empty. So when I did that, I looked at the one up. I put two dishwashers in my house because this fucking guy that wrote in, I put two dishwashers in my house.

Hank's parlay: Duke and Kansas to win their Final Four games, and the Celtics to win the NBA Championship

Duke Celtics championship future... Duke money line, Kansas money line and Celtics championship... 5,000 pays 115,000. That's it.

I am officially retired from competitive eating

I retired from competitive eating. After these past three ELLs, I just want to eat regular sized portions. Please respect my decisions.

Gonzaga will never make it back to a Final Four

Gonzaga is like, I don't think they'll be back. I'm sure they have great recruits and everything, but damn, that's a [loss]. That's never going to get to a Final Four.

Coach K will lose the game immediately after his 100th career tournament victory

Of course [Coach K] is going to get to 100. He's probably going to lose the next game so he can walk away with exactly a hundred clean wins, just straight up three figures.

Drew Timme does not have the killer instinct

I'm going to say it right now. Drew Timme doesn't have the killer instinct. I love that [drop step] move. But yeah... [Chet Holmgren] got in foul trouble and they kept just going right at them.

Drew Timme will be an awesome professional basketball player in Latvia

He's going to be an awesome, awesome player in Latvia. And that's, I'm not saying that as a mean thing... [Timme] does have like sick Euro moves.

Miami is my Game of the Year against Iowa State

Miami's the game of the year. Fuck it. I might just flip my winnings from tonight responsibly. Miami's the game of the year I'm going to be going... making another game of the year. Fuck I, that was my original game.

Patrick Mahomes will make B+ wide receivers look like A-tier players

They're basically making a bet that Patrick Mahomes is so good that if you have... a B or B plus wide receiver, Patrick Mahomes can make him an A kind of like what Aaron Rodgers does. I actually think this will be better for Patrick Mahomes... they'll have guys in more specific roles.

Patrick Mahomes' productivity will drop significantly without Tyreek Hill

I honestly think Patrick Mahomes' productivity is going to go way down without Tyreek Hill and Tyreek Hill would've done way better with Zach Wilson. Well, think about how many times Tyreek Hill bailed out a bad pass by Patrick Mahomes.

Losing Tyreek Hill will actually help the Chiefs' offense because it will force them into a more structured system

I would take the alternate approach... that's actually going to help the Chiefs because the Chiefs, oftentimes when they would fall apart, it's basically because it was like backyard football. More structure will probably help Patrick Mahomes... They'll have guys in more specific roles.

Tyreek Hill is not a good short-yardage wide receiver

Tyreek Hill is not a good short yardage wide receiver. If [he] was a bigger receiver, he doesn't get tackled on the one-yard line at halftime against the Bengals.