Takes

Magic Johnson is the greatest nickname in sports history

I think it's probably the greatest nickname of all time because it just becomes his name. It is Magic Johnson. There is no one better than Magic Johnson. Irvin Johnson becoming Magic. I mean, it's just synonymous.

Tiger Woods' nickname is better than any other because it's synonymous with his dominance

This one is another synonymous name. It's an all time nickname... it is Tiger Woods. He's Eldrick Woods. His nickname is Tiger. It was given to him when he was a kid. There's nothing better. Like when he's in his red shirt on a Sunday hunting down his prey, Tiger Woods.

Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s nickname 'The Intimidator' is an all-time great moniker because of the fear it struck in opponents

I'm going to go a little NASCAR. Maybe the greatest nickname. I know. Time... The intimidator, Dale Earnhardt Sr. I mean, what are you going to do when the intimidator comes for you?

Usain Bolt is the greatest sprinter because he's the only one of the all-time fastest who hasn't tested positive for steroids

Basically of all the sprinters to break [ten] seconds, 9 out of the 10 have tested positive or been accused of using steroids except Usain Bolt.

JaVale McGee is the greatest American athlete of all time

JaVale McGee... three-time NBA champion and Olympic gold medal. In my opinion, the greatest American athlete.

Draymond Green is officially a Basketball Hall of Famer

Draymond is a Hall of Famer now. Like, he has everything. Two Final Fours, three titles, two gold medals, Defensive Player of the Year. When you look at his resume, you're like, whoa.

Race walking is the most metal sport in the Olympics

I think I've actually changed my tune on race walking... because it is the funniest looking sport by far, but it's insane. The dude that is the best in the world at it... he was just shitting himself during the race... his body just gave up. It's actually the most metal sport.

Peyton Manning will become the Commissioner of the NFL

I thought that Peyton Manning's speech points us in one direction only, and that is that he wants to follow in the footsteps of his dad and become commissioner of the NFL. So that when Arch [Manning] gets to the league, he can implement some weird draft rule.

A Manning will be on every American television screen for the next 40 years

Eli and [Peyton] are doing that thing on ESPN, the simulcast for Monday Night Football. I also think Cooper is going to get involved at some point. You're not going to be able to turn on a television in America and not have a Manning staring at you.

Gable Steveson is the next Kurt Angle

Gable Stevenson, who's a Barstool athlete... that was incredible. The backflip, fucking legend. He's the next Kurt Angle, I think.

OJ Simpson's son was the real killer in the 1994 murders

OJ did a great job distracting everybody about his son. His son was recorded attempting to stab someone... now you think of OJ not as this murderer, but this father... I think it's still a murderer was covered up.

Italian sprinter Lamont Jacobs 100% used steroids to win Olympic gold

Did [Lamont Jacobs] do it? Yeah, 100%. If you look at his Instagram photos from him like two years ago, he's like rail thin. And then if you look at him now, he's like kind of jacked.

LeAngelo Ball will be a rotation player for the Charlotte Hornets

My who's back is LeAngelo Ball. Back in summer league for the Hornets. 16 points. Love it. Five three-pointers made. Making a lot of noise. People saying he could be a rotation guy off the bench.

Ed Sheeran is 'not football' and shouldn't play the NFL Kickoff

Roger Goodell needs a guy that hangs out with him that's like, 'Hey, that's not football.' Ed Sheeran is not football. Not opening night football. Coldplay, not football. Imagine Dragons is way more football than Coldplay.

Imagine Dragons is much more 'football' than Coldplay

Imagine Dragons is way more football than Coldplay. For the most part, there's no situation where you're playing Coldplay where Imagine Dragons wouldn't be a gigantic upgrade.

Trying to cancel Joe Rogan only promotes his show

It is the dumbest thing ever that they try to cancel Joe Rogan every other month. And then a bunch of people just tweet out Joe Rogan clips that probably just make new Joe Rogan fans. They're just doing his promotion for him.

The Apple Pie Hot Dog is a culinary combination that works

What we came up with actually should be prepared and sold in frozen food sections because we take a flaky pie crust, we take an all-American beef hot dog, we make a bacon jam... what we came up with, it so works.

Runny egg yolks are gross 'liquid chicken'

I'm just not a fan of the liquid chicken part of the runny yolk thing that my wife loves. She had to dip the toast in that. I just sit there and go [ugh]. I'm not a big fan of the smell.

I am going to release a line of Guy Fieri boozy ice cream soon

I got into this thing of boozy ice cream. So you may keep an eye out. There may be a Guy Fieri boozy ice cream coming out sometime soon. Tell me that would be gangster.

N'Keal Harry is a great late-round fantasy football sleeper for 2021

N'Keal Harry is doing amazing, apparently. So that would be a good late round fantasy pick.

Texas' move to the SEC was an attempt to recruit Arch Manning

Texas' move to the SEC might be trying to court Arch Manning as a potential reason.

I'm taking the over on the Hall of Fame game's 32.5 point total.

I think the over-under was like 32.5 tonight. Take me over. The Hall of Fame game has changed where it used to be you'd get maybe like a series of the starters. Now we get nothing.

I'm taking the Cowboys to win the Hall of Fame Game because Mike McCarthy wants to set a tone for Hard Knocks.

For that reason, I'm going to take the Cowboys in the game tonight just because I think that McCarthy, he knows that Jerry Jones has his, like, Emperor Palpatine breath breathing down his neck all the time. So he wants to set a tone, and he knows that he's on Hard Knocks.

The US men's 4x100 relay team is terrible.

So our four by 100 team sucks. And there were like a lot of people who were like, this is a debacle. How are we so bad at this? ... I really just don't care. Like, I want us to win, but if we don't, I don't lose any sleep over it.

Australia is a mortal lock to beat Slovenia in the Olympic Bronze Medal game.

Mortal lock of the century, Australia, third place game. You've got to find the teams that actually, it's like bowl season... Luka just carried his team to the semifinals, and now is he going to be like, I'm going to really want a bronze medal? Australia, that group together, has never won a medal.

A pizza place's ability to make a plain cheese pizza correctly is the true metric of their quality.

If you can do a plain pizza right, then I think that you can do everything else right. ... Start with the basics and build off that.

Black olives have the most flavor per surface area of any pizza topping.

Black olives have the most flavor per surface area of any pizza topping. ... I like doing a mixture [of green and black].

If Justin Herbert had played in the SEC, he would have been the number one overall pick.

I scouted [Justin Herbert] for two years. I go to ESPN, and I'm standing on the table like, I want this guy... And I said it, which was if Justin Herbert played in the SEC, he would have been the number one pick in the draft. But he's quiet. He's in Oregon.

It is way too early to call Tua Tagovailoa a bust and he needs more time to develop.

Tua had major hip surgery a year ago. Basically an abbreviated offseason. Like we got to give the guy a chance to see like what he has. ... Obviously this is a consequential year but I think sometimes like we move on from guys way too fast.

The Packers will not blink in the Aaron Rodgers standoff until he actually skips a regular season game.

Green Bay will not blink or even think about blinking until [Aaron Rodgers] doesn't show up. Now, when he doesn't show up, now they're going to take a half a step back and say, hey, can we get three ones from Denver? ... But until then, they're going to assume that, hey, he's bad like a lot of us are at his boss, but when rubber meets the road, he's going to show up.

I am betting against the Los Angeles Rams' 'stars and scrubs' roster model paying off.

It's a huge calculated risk that may pay off, but if I had to bet, I'm betting against it... they're saying, F that. Like, we're going to get Jalen Ramsey, Aaron Donald. Like, we're going to go play five against 11. But our five are so good, we're going to win. I think when you look at their offensive line guys, they are paper thin.

Baker Mayfield is a height and speed deficient quarterback who should not be paid a top-of-market contract.

Baker Mayfield is a guy that is just objectively short and slow... you can't pay him $40 million a year because you've got to keep Chubb and Ward and all these other guys... In my opinion, he's somewhere between the 6th and 8th best quarterback in the AFC. How are you going to win a championship?

Carson Wentz is lacking the 'battlefield commander' leadership qualities needed to win championships.

If you're worried about Nick Foles as your backup, you've got the wrong guy. You think Brett Favre, Dan Marino, Patrick Mahomes, Tom Brady cared who their backup was? No... And that's the part about Carson Wentz that he may be lacking.

In NFL front offices, a player's production determines the level of tolerance for their off-field behavior.

In every single GM's office, they have one mathematical equation. Production equals tolerance. ... You want to have standards, protocols, and culture. But you know what? Hey, if Tiger Woods is not in the offseason program, he's still going out there as one of our guys.

Josh Allen's massive jump in completion percentage is a historical aberration that is unlikely to be repeated by others.

He is a very good player, and historically he has done something that no one else has in terms of improving his completion percentage... People don't leave college football and become as accurate as he has... his increase in completion percentage is historically good. [It is an aberration].

Jameis Winston will be successful with the Saints because of the humility he showed by sitting for a year.

He is someone that bet on himself and showed great humility a year ago by sitting behind Drew Brees. And that's hard to do when you're the first pick in the draft. Now, we have to go see it pay off, but I thought what it did was really be selfless and take long-term view.

LeBron James would obviously beat Mike Tyson in a street fight because of his size and reach.

LeBron James would obviously beat up Mike Tyson. He's way bigger, Billy. Dude, reach. He's bigger. Mike Tyson... LeBron James is like 6'9". And LeBron's tough. He's never flopped.

This is a 'Mickey Mouse Olympics' because host countries are manipulating tracks to ensure records are broken.

It's a Mickey Mouse Olympics. ... It's basically, and I kind of love this, that every host Olympics wants to break a bunch of records so they just make the track better. ... Every host country is like, how can we make this legal but also break all the records?

The Giants aren't tough enough if their quarterback thinks he's even able to swing in a training camp fight

I say that I don't think that the New York Giants are tough enough if their quarterback is thinking that he's even able to swing on him... I don't think that they're tough enough if Daniel Jones thinks he's a fighter.

Dan Campbell is the most 'football guy' to ever coach in the NFL

Dan Campbell, man Campbell. He's alpha-ed the entire ranks of every – he's the most football guy to ever coach in the NFL, I think. He's starting to blur the line where he's no longer really a football guy. He's just kind of a football.

Joe Judge making NFL players do laps and push-ups after a fight will not end well

Joe Judge is dealing with it as well because part of the giant scrum... they did laps, 100-yard laps, and then he didn't like how everyone did it, so then he made everyone do push-ups. And I feel like that's not going to go over well with a bunch of millionaire athletes.

I'm legitimately excited for the Bulls after the Caruso, Lonzo Ball, and DeRozan signings

The Bulls are back. They have gotten very aggressive. Caruso, Lonzo Ball, and now DeMar DeRozan all in the Bulls next year. I'm actually legitimately excited.

Once the Lakers get to the playoffs, it will be Carmelo Anthony's team, not LeBron James'

I'm also rooting for the takes to start flying because when you have that many guys on a team, it's no longer LeBron James' team. I think once they get to the playoffs, it's Mello time, baby.

Alex Caruso is a top-five player in the Eastern Conference

Caruso is legitimately, I think, now a top five player in the East.

Olympic runners are breaking world records because there are no fans to suck the oxygen out of the stadium

If there's no crowd at all, does that mean that there's more oxygen for the people to breathe on the track? ... They're sucking all the oxygen out normally, but when there's no fans there, it's a richer environment for especially distance runners to be able to breathe more efficiently.

The 49ers are only saying Jimmy Garoppolo is playing well to pump his trade value before sending him to the Colts

John Lynch went on Adam Schefter's podcast, said that Jimmy is playing his best football since he's been here, which sounds to me like a general manager pumping a guy up before they send him somewhere else, maybe to a place like Indianapolis.

The U.S. women's soccer team sucks at soccer now

My hot seat is the U.S. women's soccer team because they lost and we stink... I tweeted about like, oh, we suck at soccer now.

The USA men's basketball 'Golden Generation' is just getting started

Our [USA] men's team golden generation has just begun... The USA's golden generation is just getting started. Hell yeah, we are.

You need at least $50 million in the bank to successfully use your parents' wealth to get out of jail

He was screaming like, my parents have $2 million. That's a lot of money, but it's also not like... I feel like if you're trying to get out of jail for free, your parents have to have like $50 million.

Matthew Stafford will make the Hall of Fame if he wins a Super Bowl or has several consecutive winning seasons with the Rams

It all depends how much longer Matthew intends to play. And if he gets that ring out, he's out there. You know, if he goes out there and lights it up and has consecutive, like three, four or five consecutive winning seasons, even if he don't win the Super Bowl, I think he has a chance.