Takes

The NFL referees definitely have it out for the Detroit Lions

I don't know how many times I've said that, but... I don't want to say that and be wrong, but, I mean, everybody felt like that in Detroit. It's hard not to feel like that... Yeah, they got it out for us.

The NFL uses the Detroit Lions as a test case for the most obscure rules in the book

You were also, like, victims of the most obscure parts of the rule book constantly... Rules that you never hear about growing up playing football, but somehow, like, it's like the refs go, they check under the hood, then they flip to the very back of the rule book, put their glasses on, and they're like, here, this one right here... They use you [the Lions] as a test case scenario for a lot of them.

Jim Caldwell had a father-like ability to make players feel guilty just with a look

He [Jim Caldwell] was a high character guy, man, and he had all of us playing as if, like, you know, he's a father, you know, the kind of guilt that you get from your dad, you know, when you do something wrong. It's easy for him to leave that kind of guilt on you just by looking at you, like, with a little shake of the head... and that's all you need to say. You're like, okay, I got it together, Coach.

Al Harris was the toughest cornerback I faced because of his nastiness at the line of scrimmage

I'll give you two guys. When I first came in the league, nobody liked playing Al Harris... halfway through the game, they're switching over to me... as far as the aggressiveness that I came with, you know, to fight at the line of scrimmage, it was all tailored after playing against Al Harris.

Aaron Rodgers is a diva for returning to the Packers and taking Blake Bortles' job

Aaron Rodgers decided that he was going to be a diva and take Blake Bortles' job. [Bortles] got cut, Aaron Rodgers un-retired. I know deep down I was like he's obviously gonna come back, but I also believed that maybe he would actually retire.

Tennis is a lifestyle or a leisure, not a real sport

I would say that tennis is more of an event. Yeah. Tennis is a lifestyle. Not really a sport. If you pick up a sport after you retire, that's not a sport. The thing they always say like, 'Hey, take up golf and tennis because you can play it for your whole life.' Well, that's not a sport. It's a leisure.

The Green Bay Packers are the least desirable team to play for in the NFL

The Green Bay Packers are a classless organization by cutting Blake Bortles. Probably least desirable team to play for in the NFL, according to Aaron Rodgers, not me, Aaron Rodgers. If you're a free agent listening to the show right now, Will Compton, don't you dare go to the Green Bay Packers because they will mistreat you.

Only 4 quarterbacks (Rodgers, Brady, Mahomes, Wilson) deserve to have their organization listen to their input

There's only a few guys [an organization should absolutely listen to]. It's pretty much Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, Patrick Mahomes and probably Russell Wilson. Those are the guys right now. One of your top checklists that you check off every day is, 'Is my generational talent quarterback—top five guy who wins us games and makes me look better than I am at my job—is that guy happy?' That should be one of your top things you check off every single day, and the Packers clearly haven't been doing that.

General managers extend their careers by drafting a quarterback and then blaming him for failures

There are two things that a general manager can do to extend his time. One is drafting a quarterback and the other is then placing all the blame on that quarterback that he drafts.

Aaron Rodgers will retire mid-season before a divisional game to maximize pain for the Packers

If he is actually a man that believes what he says, he's going to retire in the middle of the season before a game against the division rival to inflict maximum pain upon the Green Bay Packers. So Aaron, I would suggest maybe quitting before a game against the Bears, maybe the day of a game against the Bears.

Aaron Rodgers will become a year-to-year mercenary on one-year contracts after this season

I think this will be the last year for Aaron, because I think what he wants to do is he wants to do a sign-and-trade next year. He wants to go someplace for a one-year contract and then be a mercenary year-to-year, and then just go ring chasing all across maybe another four years after that playing for various teams.

College football conferences are completely made up and mean nothing

The conferences are just, they're not—they're made up, completely made up. So you can have SEC pride or you can have Big 12 pride, but at the end of the day, it really doesn't mean anything. Once [the leaders] get exposed for really just keeping things strung together with duct tape and string so that they can make a shitload of money, they don't really have any sort of a moral or legal recourse to anything.

Mercedes' current F1 strategy is intentionally taking out Red Bull at every turn

Mercedes, essentially their strategy now is just take out Red Bull at all times, which is sick. And then yeah, Lewis Hamilton, Sir Lewis Hamilton is the goat.

Rowdy Gaines is the best announcer in all of sports

My 'Who's Back' is Rowdy Gaines, because we get reminded every four years: the best announcer in all sports is Rowdy Gaines for swimming. He's awesome. He's electric.

Forearm tattoos make you faster

They also forearm tattoo on the guy that won the a hundred meter dash [Marcell Jacobs] this year. Forearm tattoos make you faster. Absolutely.

People rooting for Lollapalooza to be a super-spreader event are 'tremendous losers'

You gotta be a tremendous loser if you're just tweeting out, like, 'What's the new strain going to be looking at all these people at Lolla.' You're just basically saying you'll never have fun again in your life. You're rooting for bad things. 'I'm going to sit at home and everyone's going to go live their life and do awesome fun shit, and I'm just going to hope for them all to die so that I can be like told you so.' Fucking losers.

I realized early that to get an edge I had to out-prepare everyone because I couldn't out-throw or out-run anyone

I came to the realization that I couldn't out-throw anybody. I couldn't throw it 85 yards down the field like a Brett Favre. I couldn't outrun anybody clearly. I realized that to get an edge, I had to try to out-prepare anybody. I told myself that I was [working harder]. The main people I was trying to outwork was our opponent. It gave me confidence to go full speed ahead.

Rookie quarterbacks like Trevor Lawrence and Zach Wilson should start immediately and play all 16 games to learn

I'm a believer in putting those guys in right away, put [Zach] Wilson in, put [Trevor] Lawrence in and let them play. Let them see how fast these defenses are. They're going to figure it out a lot sooner. I would like to get that [28 interceptions] record off my resume, and if Trevor Lawrence wants to break that this year, I am for it. But you got to be a 16-game starter to do it.

The quality of a spiral is overrated; wobbly touchdowns count just the same

Every one of my records is getting broken... but nobody's throwing more wobbly touchdowns than me. Okay. I mean, the spiral is overrated, right? As long as it gets there. And the good thing about the wobbly pass, a lot of dropped interceptions. Because these guys playing defense, a perfect spiral right in their hands they're going to catch, but a wobbly pass, there's a good chance they're going to drop it.

High jumpers splitting a gold medal is the equivalent of quitting competition

The cutter and the Italian guy tied for high jump, and then they split the gold. I would do the same thing if given the opportunity to be like, 'Hey, you can quit now and get a gold medal.' That's the best of both worlds for me. But for the people who were like, 'Simone Biles is a quitter,' they should be mad about that. Because this is the most like—this is competition and you just tie. You must have consistency on this one.

A 'thunder and lightning' backfield is the best thing in football

I'm going to go with thunder and lightning, but specifically in your backfield. Nothing better than that when you got the big bruiser between the tackles and then a scat back on the outside.

Trading Anthony Rizzo and Chris Bryant is the correct business move but emotionally crushing for Cubs fans

There's the business side of baseball, which I fully understand. And then there's the sentimental, your heart, the guys you root for the guys you love. I understand the baseball side of it because they need to trade guys when they don't know if they're going to be here at the end of the year, and you've got to rebuild, but goddamn does it suck.

Dodgers fans don't deserve Max Scherzer and Trea Turner because they haven't endured the bad times

You get jealous when they go and they put on another man's uniform and they were playing for another team and you see the other fans starting to root for them. And you're like, no, no, that's my guy. I feel like I'm getting cucked by another fan base. Like the entire city LA getting Trea Turner and Max Scherzer, it's a bad feeling, but I feel like they don't deserve them yet. They didn't go through the bad times of those guys.

Jalen Green will be a great NBA player based solely on his draft night suit

Jalen Green's going to be a great NBA player. Just look at his suit. And I was like, yup, Perk, thank you. This is the analysis. Like I don't give a fuck about you showing me a few highlight teams and being like, he comps out to this guy because similar to the prospects in baseball, none of us know. So yeah, if it's going to be like, 'Hey, this guy wearing a cool suit or not,' that's actually the analysis.

Cade Cunningham's veganism is a major red flag for his NBA durability

I am concerned with Cade Cunningham though... it's because he's vegan. If you're a vegan going into the NBA, Jalen Green's 180 pounds, he will probably be able to put on another like 20. And Cade Cunningham's probably gonna lose weight over the course of his career. You can't trust a man made of the plant proteins. That's his durability and his mentality.

Jalen Suggs falling to the Magic at pick five was the steal of the NBA Draft

I do think Jalen Suggs is really fucking good. So that was a steal for the [Magic].

Ben Simmons should post photos of himself at a psychiatrist's office to rehab his public image

Post a picture of you walking into your psychiatrist's office, posted that like at least do a Photoshop of you sitting down across the room from Dr. Melfi and be like really figured out some ways to get some stuff off my chest, like, and get people talking about you in a positive light.

The Lakers getting Russell Westbrook will work because LeBron James will make him fall in line

If you look at it as like it's LeBron's team, it's LeBron city, it's LeBron's everything he will make Russell Westbrook fall in line and that, and itself should work.

Russell Westbrook cares too much to ever be LeBron James' 'Robin'

I love Russell Westbrook. I think he cares so much that he's going to be the one that gets pissed off at LeBron... I don't know if he's going to be able to like work in a system where he's very clearly supposed to be the Robin because he's a dog.

Synchronized diving should award more points if nations add more people to the team

I think you should be able to, like, you should get more points if you can add people. So like, if you can do a 10 person synchronized or diving... why two? Why are we stopping it to make it fucking 3, 4, 5? So then it's like, all right, you can be perfect with two or you can be 95% with seven. That guy, that team should win.

Nations should exclusively use identical twins for synchronized diving to gain a scoring advantage

Get identical twins to be doing the synchronized diving. I feel like that's an absolute no brainer. If your country has identical twins, put them into synchronized diving program as early as you possibly can, because they're going to have such a leg up. Even if they're off a little bit, their physical similarities are going to cover that up a lot.

I am officially opting out of all Simone Biles discourse

I'm opting out of all discussion about Simone Biles simply because there's like, it's one of those discussions where it is either all the way on this side or all the way on that side and there's literally no nuance or actual discussion being had. As soon as you see it happen and people start screaming at each other, no one's actually having a conversation. So I've opted out of all Simone Biles discussion because no one is actually trying to change each other's minds.

I am genuinely on Aaron Rodgers' side because he is quitting on the Green Bay Packers

If you want to talk about a real quitter in sports, we're going to talk about Aaron Rodgers on Sunday... I think justice for [Bortles]. My take on Aaron Rodgers: Let's just say, I think I'm on his side. Not jokingly on his side, I think I'm on the side.

Running sucks at every level and racing is the only enjoyable part of the sport

At any level running still sucks... I wish I was going to darts or literally anything else besides the running, but unfortunately this is what I'm stuck with... the only fun part about running is actually like racing.

'Runner's high' is a myth people use to trick others into thinking running doesn't suck

I honestly don't know what the hell and people are talking about when they say that [runner's high]. I've never experienced it... I think it's just runners trying to convince other people that running doesn't suck.

Most distance runners don't reach their peak performance until they are 30 years old

I'm 27 and most people get real good at running when they're like 30. Why is that? The Kenyan guy could be 45 and know it, but there's a guy from Norway that's 19. That's crazy. So you do have another chance. You're going to have another chance.

The mile world record set in the 1990s was likely fueled by heavy steroid use

The mile world record is three minutes and 44 seconds. The dude with the mile world record right now is so juiced up and liked the 1990s that drug testing—I mean, no one dopes anymore, but this dude was just literally coursing with steroids.

The Olympics should have a separate division for athletes who are permitted to use performance-enhancing drugs

I think we should have world records for steroid users. Like we really should see how far—we should have regular world records, and then world records of how far can the human body be pushed with help of steroids, right? Humans would just become like a horse.

A Kenyan runner will win the 1500m gold at the Tokyo Olympics

If someone put out betting odds and there's a Kenyan guy and it's going to win it [the 1500m gold].

Jalen Johnson is not a true Duke player because he 'stood up' to Coach K

Jalen Johnson... he's the guy who quit on, dropped out of Duke. So he's not—let me say, I'm not going to say he quit on it. It was courageous what he did against Coach K, because Coach K probably made it his life miserable playing at Duke. Coach K is officially off the board. No, I think Jalen Johnson, he's not a Duke player. He's just not. I don't think that we can count him as a Duke player.

I could take a New Jersey tornado to the face because they aren't 'real' tornadoes

I'm just not afraid of tornadoes. I feel like I could take a tornado in the face, especially like a bitch ass and New Jersey tornado. This isn't, I'm not an Oklahoma right now. I'm not in Kansas.

The Pi Coin cryptocurrency is officially a pyramid scheme and a scam

That Pi coin I was telling everyone to do is a scam. Yo. Basically it's sort of a big kind of pyramid scheme mask type thing. What made you think it was a pyramid scheme? Was it the fact that you had to get other pioneers to make yourself more Pi? That, and you know, the sort of pyramid part of it.

The Chinese weightlifter claiming his 'balls are okay' on Instagram is a strategy to deflect steroid testing suspicion

That dude on the weightlifting team, China and kept saying his balls are okay. That's because he's trying to like, make people think he's not doing steroids... It's like saying, am I being detained to a police officer? They have to let you go.

Coach K will win 'Retirement of the Year' multiple times because he wants a year-long 'suck my dick' tour

I'm going to say coach K is going to win it this year. And he's going to win next year when he actually does retire because coach K has said that he's going to retire, but he needs everyone to suck his dick for an entire year before he actually retired. He could probably be talked into coming back... then he could have a dynasty of retirement.

The European Super League would have been sick and a great idea

I honestly kind of missed the idea of the super league. I, again, it's bad. We understand football's a sport. Everything else is a business, but super league would have been sick and low key. Imagine Man City against Barcelona on a Wednesday, like twice a year on a Wednesday that you would have. That's just a great idea. Great idea.

Dan Wolken thinks sports should not exist until he personally approves of them

[Dan Wolken] thinks it's sports and he doesn't think that sports should ever exist. He thinks that balls, every ball should be deflated in America until such time that Dan Wolken personally approves of it.

I have successfully beaten 'Old Takes Exposed' by blurring the lines of my seriousness

I think I've beaten old takes exposed. We've blurred the line enough where it's like, I don't know if this I'm going to get roasted for an old takes. If I try to old takes Big Cat on them. Right. He's, he, every single time, it's just like, oh, that's just Big Cat making a joke or trying to jinx one of his bets.

Waffle House is the best night, breakfast, and drunk food in the world

Let's not shame people that eat at waffle house because now if you're a millionaire, you should still be going to waffle house on a regular basis. It is the best night food. It's the best breakfast and it's drunk food. It's great. Waffle house shrunk waffle house is one of America's finest institutions.

Having a rival or a point of principle to beef over is healthy for an adult

I honestly don't. I think this guy is actually the most well adjusted adult I've ever heard because he seems like a great guy, but having a grudge or a point of principle that you will not let up... It's like a bulldog with a tennis ball in his mouth. Sometimes guys just have to do that... Having something to drive you every single day is healthy.

Mitchell Trubisky might be the only winner of the Nickelodeon NVP award ever

[Mitchell Trubisky] might be the one and only winner of the NVP award. I, yeah, it would be incredible if it were the four that we're the case. There's definitely a conversation happening and Nickelodeon right now. Like, aye, we can't do the NPP again because those shitheads at Pardon My Take will just ruin it.