Takes

Don't take the Chargers moneyline; they always lose by exactly one point

I want to take the Chargers based solely off the fact that they're going to lose this game by exactly one point and I know that... you'd be an idiot to take the money line for the Chargers.

Kliff Kingsbury is an airhead and a bimbo, not a genius

I don't think the Kliff Kingsbury is an offensive genius. No, I think he's a dummy. I think he's a fucking airhead. He's a bimbo. He's a member... he's all looks.

The Saints have flipped the switch and are going on a big run

With Sean Payton, there's always like a time in the season when Sean Payton flips the switch. I think the switch got flipped. I think that the Saints are going to go on a run, big run.

The Patriots will beat the Ravens on Sunday Night Football

Patriots defense is atrocious. How do you feel about this game? Survive and advance... I think it's going to be close with the Patriots squeaking out a win... Cam Newton getting revenge for it happening against the Bills.

My parlay system is designed to never lose all your money

Basically what I've done is I've figured out how to make sure that you don't lose all your money... it certainly is like making an app. I've got up to 31.25% that I break even. It's not going to win you money, but it's going to help you budget your bet better.

The Cowboys collapse is the biggest surprise of the season, and the Falcons are the biggest disappointment

I guess the surprise would have to be the way the Cowboys have totally collapsed. I honestly thought that [Andy] Dalton would acquit himself better... and disappointment I would think is Atlanta. I mean that is it was just terrible. I mean the 0-5 start I didn't see at all.

Patrick Mahomes is the MVP of the season

The Chiefs have the defending champs and they have to me the MVP of the season now is my prediction going in and just so you know, I'm not the only one they're saying that you know about that Mahomes.

Todd Gurley scored his accidental touchdown on purpose to hit a contract incentive

You know what you'd say if you wanted to cover up the fact that you had a big-time escalating clause in your contract on touchdowns... [Gurley] had a big-time escalating clause in his contract on touchdowns... He did it on purpose.

I have to get my hair cut every 10 days because it grows back in weird spots

I need to get my hair cut every 10 days... it cannot be buzzed because if it gets buzzed it grows back weird. Truly what I do have grows all the time to the point where I need to get my hair cut every 10 days... if not, it just grows in very difficult spots.

Scott Hanson is a superior RedZone host to Andrew Siciliano

Who do I have to tell go Siciliano? Oh my gosh... I'm taking PFT's gun and shooting Siciliano... why is that? [Scott] Hanson is far superior. He's an animal. He is outstanding what he does.

Michigan football is no longer relevant

It's not even fun anymore because the Michigan smarm and like 'we matter' and 'Michigan's important'—you don't matter... Michigan has not performed in that way at all that we had hoped with Harbaugh, but the relevance is absolutely [gone].

HP has the worst customer service in the human race

I prepared on my Twitter account this morning thing that says about HP the worst cutting height I put him in quotations—customer service the worst in the human race. Whoa. And I could hurt so many people.

The Patriots are playoff bound and good

The Patriots playoff bound playoff bound... They're good. It's a good they should have beat the bills. They should have beat the seahawks. They could it be the chiefs... I think they're going to go on a run.

The Chiefs are the only team in the NFL without a major flaw

I've come to the conclusion that it's the Chiefs and everyone else like every other team and I unfortunately I love the Steelers, but every other team has at least one flaw where you're like, I don't know. I don't really trust this and then the Chiefs don't.

The Patriots will beat the Ravens next week

I actually believe it. If Stephon Gilmore comes back... I think they're gonna beat the Ravens and then everyone's going to flip.

The Jets are better than an 0-16 team and will win a game

The Jets don't feel like an 0-16 team... they're going to win a game. They feel like you can tell when you see an 0-16 team and you're like, there's just no chance. The Jets feel just a little bit literally one game better than 0-16.

Ben Roethlisberger is a hypochondriac who convinces himself he has every injury imaginable

Big Ben [Roethlisberger] essentially now is like an elementary school kid who just wants to go home for the day... He's a hypochondriac. He just spends all his time like looking up his symptoms online. He put himself on the COVID list because he probably watched the news and saw the infection rate.

The 76ers new City Edition jerseys are the worst of all time

My hot seat have a few first one is the 76ers. They released the ugliest probably the worst Jersey reveal of all time the NBA yesterday. They like had new City theme jerseys that are just disgusting... objectively ugly uniforms.

John Rahm's viral skipping shot at the Masters might be doctored

John Rahm hit a shot that walked on water at Augusta... I think that the Masters needs some more Buzz around it because it's not being held at the traditional time. I think that maybe there might be some monkey business afoot here somebody who's better at the internet than me look at the footage and tell me if you think that it's doctored at all.

Derek Carr is officially in the NFL MVP race because his brother David is the one person voting for him

Derek Carr is in the MVP race because his brother David Carr is voting for him for MVP. He's the one person that gave Derek Carr a vote. So Russell Wilson doesn't get a vote... that's so fucked up.

Never trust meat made from plant proteins

My hot seat is McDonald's they're releasing a McPlant... never trust a man made a plant proteins.

Kyle Sloter is the greatest preseason quarterback in NFL history

Kyle Sloter, the best preseason quarterback of all time. Yes, preseason, preseason, preseason.

I can win the 2020 Masters

Can you win? That's a that's a great question. Yes would be answer one. Yeah. Yes, like literally and like technically I think I can. Oh, yeah, I mean that's the goal.

Bryson DeChambeau's 48-inch driver is cheating

I've never even tried 48 inch driver, but I would be lying if I said Bryson's not making me like kind of considering... sounds like it's cheating. I think it's cheating. [Big Cat: We decided it is cheating.] I'm a third party so that's not you as the fans can decide.

A professional golfer should be allowed to blame their caddy for literally anything, including tripping on the course

I could blame [my caddy] whenever I want... if you trip walking to the Tee Box you can be like, 'What the fuck dude? Why didn't you tell me that was there yesterday?' ... you can just blame your caddy. I do feel like he wins out a lot... but we can always blame him if I always listen to him.

Finish 13th at the Masters is the worst possible outcome because you just miss out on the automatic invite back

13th place would suck here... because top 12 gets you into the next Masters. So there's another happy—I think I'd be really happy with 12th if it wasn't first.

I will be the first person in line to get the COVID-19 vaccine once it's available

I am going to inject myself when we get the vaccine. I'll be first to get that. I'll take what—acts will lead from the front on this one. Fill me up with whatever you need. Absolutely.

I would probably give up a pinky for a Bears Super Bowl, but I don't want to lose the fun of the chase

Would you give up a pinky for the Bears to win a Super Bowl? Yeah, probably I would... but I don't want to have that fun taken away. Like, why would I do that to myself?

Every man sits down to pee at home when they are tired or it's late at night

In between the hours of 2:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m., if I have to piss, I'll sit down because I'm grubby. I absolutely sit down. There's nothing to be ashamed of in sitting down if you're tired, plus it's like a little mini workout, you do a little squat.

British soldiers are mandated to sit down to pee in tanks

The British have to sit down when using the toilets in their tanks the piss because they can't stand up in the tank. I believe they like mandate it... I checked myself. That's a good fact check.

The Bucs' blowout loss to the Saints was so bad they should just throw out the tape and move on

Is it better that the Bucs lost so bad that they can just throw this one out? You throw the tape out. Bruce Arians is not going to take this game seriously... he is going to hit the delete button on it. I'm also concerned just with his sideline appearance in general... it appears that Bruce Arians has a bomb strapped to his chest at all times.

I wouldn't give Russell Wilson an MVP vote right now because Patrick Mahomes is better

Russell Wilson is not the MVP. Patrick Mahomes is starting to play incredible football. He's like so Patrick Mahomes is 25 touchdowns one interception... if I had to do the MVP voting right this second, I wouldn't give Russell Wilson an MVP vote.

If you take Russell Wilson off the Seahawks, they would be the West Coast Dallas Cowboys

I think you can make the argument that because his defense is so bad that that is actually saying that Russell Wilson... is the most valuable player in that if you were to take him off of his team... they would be the West Coast Dallas Cowboys, right? Except way way way worse.

The Seahawks are frauds because their defense cannot be trusted

The Seahawks who I think they're frauds. I think they are... they definitely are the biggest frauds. Your defense just can't can't be trusted whatsoever and I again I still think there are... they're not going to figure it out.

The Ravens can win in the playoffs because they've proven they can win after trailing at halftime

The Ravens deserve credit for winning a game like that where it was clear they didn't have their best game. ... Those are the things you got to see out of the Ravens to start saying to yourself, 'Okay, they can win in January.'

The Bears will not make the playoffs this year

In the last 10 years, there's been five teams and started five in one and not made the playoffs. I don't think the Bears going to make the playoffs this year. Let's be honest.

Matt Nagy has lost the locker room

I'm so sick of Matt Nagy. I'm so sick of the visor. I'm so sick of his fucking bald ass head... I think Matt Nagy has lost locker room. No you have, no, I think he has because when you whenever you have a situation where it's like one side of the ball is so much better than the other the defense is just like sitting in the locker room knowing... where these clowns doing?

Joe Brady should be the next head coach of the Chicago Bears

Joe Brady should be the next coach of the Bears, please. ... He's a guy that's gonna wow somebody in an interview. Be like, 'I know this guy doesn't have the experience, but look at the track record where he's been.' He's an offensive genius.

The Chiefs are by far the best team in the NFL

The Chiefs are definitely by far the best team in the NFL and then... they can literally do everything. I don't know like yes, this game was close... but winning these games. I'm never gonna be like, oh man, the chief should have blown them out.

Dalvin Cook is the answer to the 'don't pay running backs' argument

The Dalvin cook Dalvin cook should be the he will be the response to everyone being like don't pay running backs. Everyone will now start saying but Dalvin cook because he does make that much of a difference for Vikings... he is now the answer. He's the poster boy for yes. You should pay him and keep touching the electric fence.

The Dolphins are going to the playoffs

The Dolphins are going to the playoffs. The Dolphins are going to the playoffs. The Dolphins are a good team. They are a good football team... I have the Dolphins going 10 and six... they have graduated from feisty to just a good football team.

Kliff Kingsbury coached chickenshit football by kicking a late field goal against Miami

Coach of the Year Kliff Kingsbury. What the fuck are you doing? What is Kliff Kingsbury doing that was chickenshit football... He kicks the field goal to try to tie the game and give the ball back to Tua who then could easily go back down the field and win the game... I don't know why the fuck he did that that was chickenshit football.

The Chargers will never win a close game; it's the arrow paradox

I don't understand it how they can do this every single week... It's the arrow Paradox... like an arrow will never get totally from me to you if I shot you with an arrow because it would have to travel half the distance to you... that's how the Chargers keep getting closer and closer to winning a close game and they never they're just never going to win a close game.

The Ravens need to get Lamar Jackson a legitimate number one wide receiver to succeed

I love Lamar, but he has to develop more. They need to develop him more in the passing game as well as they got to go into free agency and get him a real number one guy out there.

Dez Bryant is so slow now that he should transition to playing tight end or offensive line

I said that Dez Bryant is so slow he should play tight end maybe even offensive line. ... If I wasn't on that, he should not have put that out. His workout tape showed physicality, but he had someone holding him back with a resistance band, that's why he was running so slow.

The Seahawks will not win the Super Bowl this year because of their terrible defense

They're horrible. ... There is no fix right now. That's an off-season fix. ... Until those corners or other persons on that defense have that kind of dog-eat-dog attitude, it's not going to be fixed. ... They're not going to win a Super Bowl, not with that. No, not this year.

Matt Nagy has officially lost the Bears locker room

As a head coach, when you lose games, that's one thing. But when you lose the players in the locker room, it's over for you. [Nagy] has definitely lost the locker room. He's lost it. It's over.

Justin Herbert is a better quarterback than Joe Burrow because he reads the field better

Herbert would be [ranked above Burrow]. ... Herbert is showing me some things and he's reading the defense and he's seeing the game, to me, a lot better. He's more effective and efficient and he seems like he has a better grasp on everything.

Brooks Koepka will dominate The Masters

My who's back is Brooks Koepka. Yeah Brooks Koepka is back. It's a major. He's gonna dominate I'm certain of it... Masters are here. He's locked in and for the first time in a long time, it looks like he has an actual rival.

The rivalry between Bryson DeChambeau and Brooks Koepka is great for the game of golf

For the first time in a long time, it looks like [Brooks] has an actual rival. It's good for golf. ... Having rivalry and pressure really brings all the best qualities out of Brooks that we know and love.