Takes

You are a pussy if you put a case on your phone

No case gang for life. You're a pussy if you put a case on your phone. No, my phone works... Every time I touch this phone metal on skin baby and every time I drop it, it's adrenaline coursing through my veins... I was no case gang for life.

Aaron Rodgers blocked Jordan Love from playing in the 49ers game because of his ego.

[Aaron Rodgers] didn't need this [game]... this would have been the perfect time for Jordan Love to get out there and get some reps in. My conspiracy theorist tinfoil hat says Aaron Rodgers put the kibosh on that.

Aaron Rodgers has a baby face and is going through a mental breakdown similar to Britney Spears shaving her head

Rogers he he also shaved. I don't know if you noticed that he's like a little baby face out there... it's like when Britney Spears shaved her head when she was having a nervous breakdown some people do that. They just have know what I'm going to cut my bangs... Rogers going through a mental crisis right now.

George Kittle will return from his foot injury and be catching touchdowns by Thanksgiving

I believe I believe I believe I believe I believe me two weeks Max. I think I think he's [George Kittle] gonna be catching touchdowns on the weekend of Thanksgiving. Yes, absolutely.

Bill Belichick knew this season was a wash and is tanking on purpose to reset.

Belichick knew that this season was going to be a garbage season that was going to get thrown away by the history books and forgotten as being like a fake season. So he's planned accordingly and [is] tanking on purpose this entire time.

Keeping Adam Gase is the smartest move for the Jets because he is a 'tank' that can't be accused of tanking

Keeping Adam Gase is the smartest thing you can do is GM because... it actually Adam Gase is your tank like he is your tank but not tanking. You can't be accused of tanking, but you are tanking when you have Adam Gase there.

The Seahawks defense will start turning a corner and stop being a liability within five weeks

Jamal Adams is going to be back. I think that the Seahawks defense is going to start turning a corner here playing well and it's going to take a little bit of time for people to catch up to it. But like in like three four weeks we're going to be sitting here being like, you know, who's really playing well to Seahawks defense.

Ryan Tannehill is a great quarterback, but he still actually stinks

Ryan Tannehill still stinks. I don't have anything beyond my eyes that told me that he still deserves not to be honest my guts right. It's my guts that are telling me that he still stinks. I just I still don't trust him. I've never trusted Ryan Tannehill... he is just been delaying the stinking.

The 'Christian Doctrine': NFL teams are actually harder to stop when their star player is out because of unpredictability

When a good player goes out or is traded the team does better I think we called the Christian doctrine... when a defense plans and you know Christian McCaffrey out there, you know, he's going to touch the ball like half the time when he's not you don't know where the balls going.

The winner of Lions vs. Vikings will be the champion of the 'Little Itty-Bitty Baby Run'.

I actually think that this is too little itty-bitty baby runs converging here and whoever wins will be the champion of the little bitty baby run... The winner of this team will come away with the late November early December watch out for this team.

Daniel Jones is JaMarcus Russell 2.0 because of his turnover rate

Daniel Jones and JaMarcus Russell had the same player in terms of turnovers... I will bring you know what I want. I will bring that exact same energy starting this weekend Daniel Jones. I'm going to run with that but is he is JaMarcus Russell 2.0.

I love Doug Marrone's approach of starting young players like Jake Luton because he knows he is getting fired anyway.

I love what Doug's doing here... he essentially was like 'I'm getting fired. I don't care. Let's see what the kids got. We know what Mike Glennon is. He sucks.' That is the way every coach should go out and not like scared... probably can't [play], but if you can why not?

Mike Tomlin is a 'play down to the competition' coach who fails to cover large spreads.

I feel like Mike Tomlin is a big time play to your competition coach and looked it up over the last or his entire career as a Steelers head coach he is one and nine against the spread as a road favorite over ten points.

Tom Brady is smitten with Antonio Brown and is desperate to prove the move was smart.

I think Tom Brady is more in love with Antonio Brown than Antonio Brown is in love with Tom Brady... He's smitten with him. I also think he wants to prove to [Bill] Belichick and [Robert] Kraft like he was right, Antonio Brown is a good move.

Antonio Brown joining the Buccaneers will not end well because he is a 'legit psycho'

I'm calling my shot on this Antonio Brown is a legit psycho. You're hot right now because essentially your shots are... it's not going to end well now it's just not. I'm calling my shot on this Antonio Brown is a legit psycho... Big big-time bad news.

Every time I got a script for The Sopranos, I was disappointed because AJ was always written to be a douche.

Every time you get the script, you're like, 'God I have to be a douche again.' There was no... you almost think he's gonna do something cool that he just miserably fails at whatever he's trying to do... [AJ] was written that way of like as a viewer you're constantly frustrated in him.

Modern poker is no longer fun because it has been solved by mathematical models and GTO

13 years ago poker was different than it is now, you know, they figured it out with solvers and computers... it just it makes it a lot harder it makes it also a lot less fun. You know People are just sitting there not talking figuring out like mathematical equations in their head where when I was when I moved to Vegas everybody was drinking and laughing and the poker table was like a party, you know, where now it's like a classroom.

Tony Sirico (Paulie Walnuts) was the funniest person on the set of The Sopranos 'by far'.

I can't believe when you said who's the funniest guy? He's [Tony Sirico] the funniest guy by far... he was just hilarious being himself because he was, you know, Paulie Walnuts... he was just hilarious being himself.

I took a guest role on Law & Order specifically to avoid having to go to jury duty.

I got the phone call and they were like, 'hey, you have to come down to Center Street'... so I called my manager and I'm like, 'can you get me a job to get out of jury duty next week?' He called me back and is like, 'yeah, I have a job for you on Law and Order.' If you do the episode of Law & Order, they'll send a letter in that you're working and you can't make jury duty.

I am one of the best in the world at predicting Dave Portnoy's pizza review scores

I feel like I'm one of the best in the world at predicting what Dave is going to rate a pizza... I'm nasty like it's just it's crazy. Like I picked this so many times... I would put money up if we want to do that one day.

The Buccaneers are still top-tier contenders because they can win with their C-game

I'm not going to like ding [the Bucs] for that because... you didn't get a A+ effort from the box and they still won with their C game, which actually is a better sign for... it's like very good. It was a trap game.

Bill Belichick is actually doing his best coaching job this year

Bill Belichick is actually doing his best coaching job this year... He's not totally wrong when he says [they have no money]. The Patriots are paying Brady, they're paying Antonio Brown still, they're in dead cap space.

The Saints' cap situation proves Drew Brees has already told the team he will retire

The Saints are like $92 million over the cap next year... How is that even real? Drew Brees has already told them that he will retire. That's the only way they can do that.

The Saints could destroy the NFL's monopoly by suing over salary cap interference

If the Saints sue the NFL being like, 'Hey, you're interfering with the free market. We should be able to pay people whatever we want.' Then that case goes to like the Supreme Court. NFL loses its monopoly. The Saints could blow up the NFL if they want.

The Warriors' 'Oakland Forever' jerseys are total bullshit since they left town

They released jerseys for this year that say Oakland on them... It's like the Oakland forever jerseys and it got Warriors fans really mad because they left Oakland. Apparently there's like a lawsuit going on... it's messed up that they did that.

Darren Rovell is 'disqualifyingly stupid'

Darren Rovell got called 'disqualifyingly stupid' by Nate Silver today. You have to be so stupid to get disqualified from Twitter. Everyone is an idiot on Twitter, and he got put into a locker.

Heat Wave's bloodline produces the most delicious cattle of all time

You would know that the most tasty cow of all time is Heat Wave and Heat Wave's bloodline lives on to this very day. And if you buy a direct descendant you from the Heat Wave, the most Billy cow of all.

Stephen A. Smith refusing to mock the Cowboys is the meanest thing you can do to a fan

By saying this, this is the most he could ever make fun of... saying you're not even worthy to be made fun of, I feel so bad for you... I'm taking away the very last smidge of relevancy that you have is me making fun of you when you lose. This is the meanest thing that we could ever do to you.

Humans are more effective and cheaper than robots for retail inventory

Walmart has stopped using robots to do inventory because they realized that humans were actually just as effective and cheaper. So cool throne humans.

I am absolutely not a vegetarian

I was never a vegetarian. I don't know where that came from. I have 20 Longhorns on my property for God's sake. I am a vegetarian only for two hours at a time between my cannibalistic eating of meat.

I will officially retire from wrestling in a couple of years

I have an expiration date on my wrestling days and it's a couple of years from now because of the slow pace that I'm going at it right at this moment.

I could squat nearly 800 pounds in my heyday

I could squat a little under 800 pounds. Other than that, I never really did any big lifts... If I go above 800, I don't want to snap the bars.

If you have to ask if a guy is serious about a relationship, he's just trying to fuck

I think if you're asking then it's he's just trying to fuck. Like if this is like the old... if you're asking if he's into a relationship or just trying to fuck, he's probably just trying to fuck.

Bats can predict the future using spatiotemporal echolocation

Bats can actually see into the future because they predict where the insect [is going]. They've gotten so good at using echolocation, they can predict where an insect is going by processing the spatiotemporal information. It's like a quarterback knowing where a receiver is going to be.

The Cowboys' defense plays better when they have a backup quarterback like Ben DiNucci

It turns out that in a weird way is kind of good having a shitty quarterback playing because your defense gets this mindset of like we have to create turnovers, we have to stop everybody. Whereas before they're like, oh we got Dak, he's gonna throw for a million yards, I can take a couple plays off here.

I'm 90% sure the Cleveland Browns are going to make the playoffs

I'm pretty sure in part that the Cleveland Browns are going to make the playoffs. Yeah. No, I agree. I'm like, 90% sure that the Browns are going to be a playoff team this year and that's going to be a lot of fun.

The Tennessee Titans are a fraudulent football team

I'm going to use the F-word on the Titans. I think the Titans where a fraudulent football... I think they're fun when they were five and oh I was saying I don't think they're real because Ryan Tannehill, we should always stick with our gut on Ryan Tannehill.

The Patriots vs. Bills game was one of the best games Bill Belichick has ever coached

That's actually here's ready for this one. That's one of the best games Bill Belichick's ever coached you like that was a wonderful game... because their roster sucks so bad and the fact that they were within three points.

The Green Bay Packers have a soft defense

Aaron Rodgers playing great this year but similar to last year would you say the Packers might be a little a tad bit soft and say their defense might be a little soft... They are one of the last are going to just destroy some hearts they because they will get they're going to end up with a record like 12 and 4. Hmm. And Aaron Rodgers is going to be cooking at the end of the season. He's going to win a playoff game and he is going to break everybody's heart.

The Packers will finish 12-4 and win a playoff game just to break everyone's heart in January

The Packers are an excellent team to root for this year if you're really really trying to get your heart broken in early January. They are going to end up with a record like 12 and 4. And Aaron Rodgers is going to be cooking at the end of the season, he's going to win a playoff game, and he is going to break everybody's heart.

The Baltimore Ravens are frauds because Lamar Jackson can't throw consistently against elite teams

As I've thought from day one when I've started the Ravens are frauds and again, it's not that they're bad team. There are very very good team when I say the word fraud I'm doing it because because they have Championship aspirations... until I see it from Lamar Jackson in terms of passing the ball consistently... the NFL like to be in Upper Echelon team, you have to your quarterback has to be able to throw have that type of game.

The Dolphins went to Tua Tagovailoa too early

I think that Fitzpatrick should be starting right now. I think they went to Tua too early. Not because now he played like I could give a shit how to play today. He didn't get hurt, which is great... I still think that Fitzpatrick like if you're actually going to be maybe a playoff team why not just stick with Fitzpatrick and see where this goes because every he gives you I think a better chance to win most games.

The Los Angeles Chargers are officially a sadder franchise than the Atlanta Falcons

Chargers are sadder than the Falcons. Of course the Falcons obviously had 28-3 in the Super Bowl, but the Chargers... 38 of their 49 losses [since 2015] are one-score losses. That's insane. It's mind-boggling how they're able to do this. I think we've been talking about them and how weird and heartbreaking their losses are... they're like the English national team, essentially just finding new ways to lose games.

The 49ers are about to get 'schedule fucked' by an upcoming hallway of death

The 49ers have a tough stretch coming up. They have the Packers, Saints, Rams, Bills... that hallway of death is going to tell us what they are. I think the 49ers are about to get schedule fucked. They have not had a tough schedule up to this point, but they are about to have a fucking really tough schedule.

Matt Nagy has an extremely low football IQ

I feel bad for Matt Nagy because in his head he was doing something insanely smart... So that is something that a smart person would do. So his idea of what a smart person is is so far from actually being what a smart person really is. That I don't think it's his fault. I think he's I think he's just got extremely low IQ.

The Bears should go back to Mitchell Trubisky because Nick Foles isn't playing any better

I think they should go back to Mitch. Yes, because Mitch at least can use his feet. I don't think Nick Foles is playing right now, Nick Foles is not playing better than what Mitch Trubisky was. Plus if you keep switching quarterbacks, you keep getting that spark.

The Ravens are not a team that can throw the ball when expected to

These guys are not a one-dimensional team that can throw the ball when expected. They're not like that. The only way they're have success throwing the ball is the objective of run... and they didn't have that today.

I would take Derek Carr over Justin Herbert or Drew Lock right now

Between those three quarterbacks... Derek Carr, Herbert and then Drew Lock. I'll take Carr because I know what I'm gonna get. I don't know what those other guys gonna do. I'll take Carr.

The Brooklyn Nets are going to win the NBA Championship with their new coaching staff

The Nets are going to win the championship. How do they not? They signed Mike D'Antoni as an assistant, Amar'e Stoudemire. This also just has the makings of like a Hollywood movie ending where it's like these guys revolutionized basketball, they never won a title together and now they've won a title together.

The Jim Harbaugh era at Michigan is officially over

The knives are back out for Jim Harbaugh... I just all I'm saying is I think it's over. I really do. 24 and a half Point favorites against Michigan State... and they lose like that... I think this is actually might be close to the end for Harbaugh.