Takes

I am the alpha of the show because I squat and bench more than everyone else in the room

I 100% squat and bench more than anybody in this room. And because of that, I think that makes me the alpha.

Ages 21 through 26 are the 'prime stains' years for a man's clothing

I would expect that at 23 years old, you would have some just random stains on you... I'd say if you're 23, I would expect that to. It's like 21 through 26 is that's Prime stains.

Social distancing is great because it eliminates the possibility of the 'awkward white guy dap'

I actually don't mind this new normal because one it eliminates the possibility of the awkward white guy dap, which is huge. And two, you don't have to worry about getting caught in between like a handshake and like a pat on the back... the idea of saying like 'hey, I'm [PFT]'... and you're just standing like 7 feet away from each other... it just sucks.

Netflix's Outer Banks is a bad show that is also good

I like Outer Banks. It's such a bad show. It's so bad. It's become good. It reminds me of all my favorite action movies with Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme... it is so bad, and I'm learning nothing. I'm getting dumber.

I'm surprised there has never been a Call of Duty branded movie

I'm surprised there's never been a Call of Duty movie, to be perfectly honest. ... I know [there are war movies], but there's not like a Call of Duty branded [one].

News websites are exploiting engagement by phrasing headlines as 'alley-oop jokes' on Twitter.

News websites have started to exploit the ratio, and they're starting to do like alley-oop jokes on Twitter. ... When companies are tweeting out like an article that they just wrote, they're phrasing their tweets in such a way that they know they're going to get replied to and a shitload of quote tweets.

Kristin Cavallari is leaking stories to the press to make Jay Cutler look bad

Kristin Cavallari has now had like seven stories in the last week that she's leaked to the press. My quarterback has not said a word... she is going to try to make a reality show out of this. 100%.

Video games should only be played with a controller, regardless of PC or Console

I play video games with a controller. Like I'll never play video games... [without a controller]. Video games we play with a controller. Yes. I don't want to hear anything different.

Darren Rovell's Kate Upton story is actually a flex on his 'talent scouting' ability

Darren Ravel posting this literally has nothing to do with him wanting to have sex with Kate Upton. It's just him trying to flex on everybody and being like I I recognize that this woman was going to be very attractive... I have a great eye for talent.

The legal system would break if everyone collectively stopped responding to jury summons.

What if we all just stopped going to jury summons? They can't bring in new juries to try us. Solidarity. They also can't arrest people right now. That's illegal. If a police officer tries to arrest you, you can arrest him.

It is ridiculous to postpone the NBA 2K league since the games can be played remotely.

The NBA 2K league is expected to announce tonight that it's postponing the start of its season... Hopefully video Gamers can figure out how to compete against each other in the privacy of their own homes. I don't know that seems like a pretty big technological step. We're going to have to make, but I have confidence that the people into k-league will figure out a way to let people play video games in their homes.

Twitter is losing a step because it takes them four years to copy features like Stories

This tells me that Twitter is absolutely losing a step if it took them like three and a half four years to copy a feature on another platform. You got to do that shit within like six months instantly.

Medium Rare Plus is a legitimate and superior steak temperature

PFT, you just won't believe me that medium rare plus exists, even though every time we go somewhere I order it and the waitress here... they always say yes. [Restaurants] will always err on the side of rare [when you order medium rare], so that's why I get plus.

The Red Sox trading Mookie Betts makes no sense and is a repeat of the Khalil Mack trade

The Red Sox seems like what they did, what they got for it is, at best... a Mookie Betts. It's kind of like the Raiders trade when they traded Khalil Mack. They're trading assets that they hope will eventually turn into a player the caliber of Mookie Betts. ... no one is as good as Mookie Betts except for Trout.

The Dodgers have to win one because their 'all-ins' are becoming pathetic

And now the Dodgers, I mean, how many all-ins can the Dodgers... The Dodgers are going to break the record for the most all-ins. This decade, this is like their fifth or sixth all in. You've got to win one, Dodgers. This is so pathetic.

'The Circle' on Netflix is the worst show ever created

I started watching the show The Circle on Netflix, and it's the worst show that's ever been created, and I started watching it, and I can't stop. It is horrendous. ... You say to yourself, I'm getting significantly dumber as I watch this show. And then you keep on watching.

A wet sock is worse than a broken foot

I will say having a wet foot will ruin your day. Wet foot is worse than spraining an ankle which is worse than a break. I would rather have my foot chopped off then have my sock be wet all day.

The Cincinnati Bearcats' black field prank was a terrible joke

Cincinnati...dying their field black for Friday night's game. I've never been more excited to bet on a team. Turns out they were just kind of like joking... that's not a good joke. Getting everyone excited about it. That's a terrible joke. I was so pumped to watch Cincinnati on an all-black field.

The Chicago Cubs are the most maddening and frustrating team I've ever watched

My fire fest is the Chicago cups. They're the most maddening team, frustrating team I've ever watched. They just want to toy with everyone's hearts and they win one game, lose one game, lose two games. Don't score for a week. Then they look awesome... I am at the point where I'm just I don't even know what I want anymore.

The Popeyes spicy chicken sandwich is one of the best sandwiches ever

Unpopular opinion that Popeye's chicken sandwich is good. I'll die on that hill. No, it's really good. And I need to have another one.

iPhone 'tapback' message reactions serve no purpose and the inventor should be exiled

I am in quite the text thread for my [fantasy football] league. Not only are is everybody just like replying with small little jokes, but they're also huge on the emphasizing things, the laughing at things—those extra buttons. They serve no extra purpose and I fucking hate those extra buttons because they fill up my phone notifications... the person that invented it should have to go live in Brazil for the rest of their life.

The compact SUV market is a total fraud

The compact SUV world is such a fraud city... it's just a car. And then you actually don't have as much trunk room as you would in a normal car. You put a dog in it, and it's already crowded.

VAR is ruining soccer and we should go back to just complaining about refs

My other fire fest... is robots. Especially VAR robots in the World Cup, in the Women's World Cup. It's ruining soccer. It is absolutely ruining it. I'm actually the mindset that I'm out on instant replay across the board. I think we've gone too far. Fuck the robots. We need to complain about refs.

Acai bowls are a scam that make you fat because they are basically just ice cream

I found out about them [Acai Bowls]. They're awesome. It's basically ice cream. But then I found out they make you fat... Turns out it basically is ice cream. They're labeled as superfood.

The Jonas Brothers are actually not losers and their documentary is good

My Firefest of the week is that I watched a Jonas Brothers documentary, and I actually really liked them. You go in and you're like, oh, Jonas Brothers, those guys are losers. Only teenage girls like them... Then you watch the documentary. You realize they were grinding for three years.

I will never cord-cut because streaming sports is too unreliable

I have so many boxes... my cable bill is like probably $400 a month. I watched a bowl game with [a friend] two years ago... It buffered so many fucking times. I had money on the game, and I was sitting there like, what is happening right now? I could never cord cut.

April has the worst weather of any month because of its inconsistency

April has the worst weather of any month... Because you can't fucking plan for it. It's cold. It's still the winter. Then it's hot. Then it's cold again. Then it rains... I would rather at least know January's going to suck no matter what.

The AAF was a Fire Fest run by people with no plan

It is hilarious to just imagine Bill Polian as being Billy McFarland. Like, drinking like rock stars, fucking like porn stars speech. I guarantee you Bill has said that at some point... Instead of cocaine and tequila on a private island, it was like tortilla chips and a nice beer, just hanging out watching tape.