Takes

I will not pick Florida to beat Georgia until I actually see them do it on the field because of the recruiting gap

Florida is the favorite... I'm still a little surprised by that because I keep saying I'm not picking them against Georgia until I see them beat Georgia, just because of the recruiting gap. Recruiting rankings matter in the aggregate. If you just sign a bunch more five-stars than somebody else, you're probably going to win most of those games.

Mike Leach will have the most talented roster of his career at Mississippi State

This is still a better roster than from a talent standpoint than Mike Leach has ever had either at Texas Tech or at Washington State... smart quarterback [Costello] can come in and learn the Air Raid. I do think they're going to come along pretty fast.

The NBA should replace the Slam Dunk Contest with a Layup Contest

I stand by the fact that there should be a layup contest and you have the dunk contest. Dorks, I'm done with dunks. Anyone can dunk. Not everyone can make a layup. I don't think Shaq could do a layup. The NBA needs to go back to making baskets that can get torn down.

Bill de Blasio changed his name to sound Italian so he could win in New York

He changed his name to sound Italian so he'd win in New York. He was born Warren Wilhelm... He changed his name to Warren de Blasio Wilhelm in 1983 and finally to Bill de Blasio to honor his maternal family, bullshit.

Blake Bortles will take the starting job from Jeff Driskel in Denver

Let me be perfectly clear Blake Bortles is getting the starting job. I don't think that there's any question about that.

The Saints are being held back by Drew Brees

Do you think Saints fans realize it that it's over or do you think they're still holding onto? Oh, The Saints are good enough, which they do have a great roster, but they're being held back by their quarterback. And this isn't just this year. This has been the last like year and a half. It's much more evident right now though.

The Saints should start Jameis Winston right now

Unleash Jameis Winston. I got a Meraki I I disagree with you on the Michael Thomas thing... the time is now it is Jameis a clock in New Orleans.

The Raiders are actually a good football team this year

We are taking credit away from the Raiders being actually good. [Derek] Carr looked good their running game looks good. Their defense looked decent... they got something cooking here.

The Las Vegas Raiders' new stadium is the most erotic stadium ever built

I want to fuck The Las Vegas Raiders new stadium... I want to fuck it is the most erotic stadium that I've ever seen almost it almost looks better with no fans... that thing is sexy as shit, and I want to fucking fuck it.

Zendaya's Emmy win was not a 'biggest upset' because fans were happy about it

She won the Emmy for best actress and the New York Post wrote an article and it said biggest upset in Emmys 2020 over Jennifer Aniston and more... Zendaya stands were all very upset because they're like no one's upset about this like this. No one's upset. Like this is a great thing.

The San Francisco 49ers are officially a cursed team this season

My hot seat is the San Francisco 49ers. They have injuries now... Jimmy G, George Kittle, Raheem Mostert, Tevin Coleman... their MRI truck broke down... Shanahan got fined... They are in Final Destination the snake bitten Team of the Year. They're not they're not hurt or injured. I think they're cursed.

I am betting on the Jets because Adam Gase said they are in 'hyperdrive'

My hot seats is the Indianapolis Colts because we're playing the Jets this week and Adam Gase said quote 'it's time to put this thing in hyperdrive.' Okay. So watch out Colts and Jets might score 12 points hyperdrive... I'm gonna have to bet on the Jets this weekend.

I will beat PFT Commenter in ping pong by at least nine points in every game of our series

I'm better than [PFT Commenter] when I'm wearing glass and he's not... I'm going to be going to beat you by nine points... nine wait in how many games? Each game. I will be home by 9:00 all games.

There is an active war going on in the ocean where orca whales are specifically ripping out sharks' testicles

Whales are ripping out the testicles off the coast South Africa... there's some sort of war going on in the ocean. They're practicing Eugenics. They're not there disabling their ability to breed.

Costco's co-founder threatened to kill the CEO to keep the hot dog price at $1.50

The Costco co-founder... got mad at the CEO of Costco said, 'Hey, we're losing money on our dollar fifty hot dog deal. I think you got change it up' and the co-founder of Costco's like 'If you change that deal, I'll kill you.'

Managing COVID-19 protocols is more important than roster talent for winning in 2020

I think more important than everything to win this year's is who handles COVID the best, who handles social distancing the best so that they can have the best players out there.

Coach O is the alpha in a room full of SEC West coaches

In coaching especially that you got national championship coaches... I would say Coach O probably would win in the end... he would probably bring his own 600 pounds of crawfish to the table too.

Football teams would be more effective if they played more like they were on a playground or in a video game using downfield laterals

If you would play more like you playing the park or like people play video games I bet you'd be better in some areas, you know, you catch it and guys are there you just throw it over there [laterally]... but we don't do that because you know ball security, but I do think there is something to that.

College football features significantly worse game management and clock management than the NFL

I don't understand College media you see some of the worst Game management ever at major programs in college football and it's like nobody's as either in the NFL you get killed that night for it... I've never understood that why five people get to slide with such terrible clock management and management of situations in college versus NFL.

Defensive head coaches and coordinators are the ones who need 'get back' guys the most

I usually don't need to get held back usually defensive if you think about it usually defensive coaches defensive head coaches or defensive coordinators. They're usually the worst ones that going on the field.

Kickers are struggling because NFL stadiums are too quiet without fans

No adversity. There's no dynamic. There's no, you know, you need a dynamic environment to excel... You should feel alive and not like you're a mouse in a laboratory.

Kickers should have their teammates scream at them and insult their mothers during practice to simulate game pressure

You gotta tell your 80 teammates or whatever you have 50 now... they gotta yell and scream at you have six live kicks. Let's say doing practice. They got it. They got to talk about your mama. They got a whatever it takes they got to make it uncomfortable... That's as real as it gets.

We will see a 70-yard field goal in the NFL this season

I think we're gonna see a 70 yard field goal. I wouldn't be surprised if is this year... the way [Harrison] Butker hit that 58 that that had another 10 on it.

The Atlanta Falcons are the world champions of losing

They [Falcons] are right now the world champions of losing. I just look into the curse to try to figure out what's going on there... the cursor courage is put on yourself by bad performance becomes habitual it becomes wedding just like losing is a habit.

You should never go through your partner's phone because you will never find anything good

I'd say just never go through the phone. Yeah, correct. You're not going to find anything don't do it. No woman has ever picked up a man's phone spent a good 15 minutes on it and been like 'this kicks ass'. I'm really glad that I do know what everything's out of context to that's true.

The Bulls are back after hiring Billy Donovan

Your Chicago Bulls have just hired former Oklahoma City Thunder and Florida head coach Billy Donovan as their head coach... my darling Jake you have that Bulls are back.

Cam Newton looks healthy and the Patriots offense looks very promising

Cam Newton looks good. He looks healthy. The Patriots were very promising. Yes, very, very good. I would watch these two teams [Patriots and Seahawks] play every single week. He has absolutely no hesitation running the ball or passing it, his shoulder looks really, really good right now.

Matt Patricia is literally eating his losses as they pile up

I think Matt Patricia is eating his losses. He looks large and those losses are piling up because they've lost now 11 in a row. He's layering up. He was certainly getting into layer season a little bit early. He's all seven-layer dip on Matt Patricia's body.

The Aaron Rodgers 'Fuck You Tour' is officially happening this year

Aaron Rodgers the 'fuck you' tour is happening this year. I've come to accept it and I'm very, very scared. They do need to figure out how to keep Aaron Rodgers pissed off for an entire season. They have to have a strategy because right now they're toasting off their master class of drafting Jordan Love.

Matthew Stafford is a future Hall of Famer based on his statistics

I'm the one who's on the hook as calling him as a hall-of-fame future hall-of-fame quarterback just based off his ridiculous stats. Yeah. No, he's absolutely going to be in the Hall of Fame.

Ryan Tannehill is officially a top-10 quarterback

Ryan Tannehill is just like a top-10 quarterback right now... 44 out of 60, 460 yards, six touchdowns, zero interceptions. He finally was like, 'Fuck it, you guys want to keep making fun of me for taking the next step? I'm going to take the next step.'

Daniel Jones is officially not the second coming of Eli Manning

I think we can officially say that Daniel Jones is not Eli Manning. I haven't seen anything from Daniel Jones that makes me be like, 'Oh, that guy's good' besides like he looks good when he's walking into the locker room.

The Vikings are officially 'done-chained' and won't win the Super Bowl

The Vikings suck. I would like to say I'm going to done-chain the Vikings again after week two. They are totally done. Vikings are done... If the Vikings win the Super Bowl, I'll get Creed lyrics tattooed on my body.

A safety should be worth five points instead of two

I actually think that a safety should be worth five points. Two points is not enough for a safety. It's hard to do. It's a change of momentum type play. They should—it should be five points and then you also get the ball.

The Colts are back to being a Dark Horse team in the AFC

The Colts are back to being a dark horse. I'm gonna say they're dark horse again. Narrative alert: Colts back into the dark horse team because AFC South is wide open. I think they're officially good.

Josh Allen is a legitimate MVP candidate

Josh Allen for MVP. It is people talking about honestly, I'll accept an apology from anyone at this point... he's fucking fun.

Kicking a field goal while down 21 points is the 'death rattle' for an NFL head coach

Adam Gase kicked ass at field goal of the week. Down 24-3, fourth and goal on the seven, kicked a field goal. That right there tells you that's like the death rattle for a coach. That's a box score move. That's not a football winning move. It's an absolute disaster.

Carson Wentz is officially bad at football

Eagles might just be bad and no offense Eagles fans, but Carson Wentz might just be bad... he just misses guys and throws interceptions and kind of just isn't good right now. He stunk today. It's time to push the panic button.

The Rams have their 2018 mojo back

I think the Rams are kind of we're getting the Rams from two years ago. They got their mojo back. Sean McVay's got his mojo back, Jared Goff's got his mojo back. Cooper Kupp is back this year and they're like, 'Oh, the Rams are back.'

Big Ben is fully back to being the classic Big Ben

I think Big Ben is fully back to being Big Ben. He had one of those boneheaded interceptions where you can tell on a play when Big Ben starts to think, that's when everything goes awry. Big Ben does his best work when he's just naturally reacting to things.

Matt Rhule has 'dumb face'

Does Matt Rhule have dumb face? His glasses are too big. That's the thing. He has glasses of someone who's 60 pounds heavier than he is... I'm starting to think he's got dumb face.

Kyler Murray is the 'best wiggler' in the NFL

I'm a believer in Kyler Murray. He's really wiggly. He's the best wiggler in the NFL. He's starting to figure it out more and I'm a believer. It matter how fast your defensive line is when you have a quarterback that is at least half a second faster than all of them.

I could be the punter for the Ravens and they would still win 13 games

I think I could be the punter for the Ravens this year and not cost them any games. Easily. They never go for... they always go for it. I think I could punt for the Ravens and we'd still go, I'd say, 13 and 3.

The Ravens are the Alabama of the NFL

The Ravens are Alabama. They're Alabama football. They just run the ball down your fucking throat. They look like college football runs. Like, you're not in the NFL, you're not supposed to be able to run the ball like the Ravens run the ball.

The Ravens should extend Lamar Jackson immediately to get a better deal

When are we going to get the conversation going for you should extend Lamar Jackson now? Pay him now. Pay him Lamar. Yeah, right now, because they're going to get a hell of a deal out of him.

LeBron James is definitely winning the NBA title this year

LeBron's gonna win [the] title... I ran some simulations and they're all kind of coming out the same way.

Bronny James Jr. is better at smoking weed than I am

I would say I would say something like that. Yeah, smoking the nuggets pack. He's better at smoking weed than I am. Oh, he's what, 16 years old? He's great at smoking.

The return of 'crisp air' is the best feeling for big guys

The crisp air is all the way back. I like it. When you're a bigger guy, it looks like a big dog getting their life back when the crisp air comes. I feel like I could just run, I have the Zoomies. I hope someday, many years from now when I die, it's just sitting outside in the crisp air.

Many are questioning the validity of Bryson DeChambeau's US Open win because Brooks Koepka was injured

Bryson DeChambeau... emerge victorious to win his first ever major. Many are questioning the validity of this win as two-time US Open Champion Brooks Koepka did not participate due to injury.

Always Sunny at its peak goes toe-to-toe with any show ever

I would say it's definitely top three funniest shows of the last 15 years. Always Sunny at its peak goes toe-to-toe with any show [ever created].