Takes

Bryce Harper will retire by midseason due to the Philadelphia media

I also predict that Bryce Harper is going to retire by midseason because the Philadelphia media and fans will be too much for him to handle.

Fighting is dead in hockey because social justice warriors have taken over and influenced the league

Fighting is dead in hockey... all these social justice warriors have kind of taken over and directed the league in a certain way. I feel bad for league officials... because it's just a constant barrage of people bitching about everything.

LeBron James' physical therapist's deleted Instagram post was a calculated excuse for his poor season

[LeBron's] physical therapist put out an Instagram that immediately deleted it... Classic LeBron. To just put it out there, let everyone know that he actually was dealing with a way worse injury, but then have it deleted... this was the ultimate excuse, just a very well-planned excuse.

Liberty University is the best Cinderella story because of their midnight curfew

I would say Liberty is a better Cinderella story because they have to be home by midnight. That's actually a rule on campus. True, true. That is. Some steep curfew for them. Yeah, Liberty, they're my team this year.

Joe Thomas's draft day fishing story was staged

Joe Thomas. He didn't even go to the draft. Yeah, exactly. He was fishing. Which is the biggest BS... There's no way that boat got that far off the dock before it came right back. I just thought, I was like, this had to have been staged. Because either A, you're getting so far out, you don't have cell phone reception. Or B, it wasn't going to time out... I think he got [the fish] from the supermarket. They just put it on the boat.

Fullback assists should be an official NFL stat

I would like to actually make the fullback assist a real stat that's recognized. So that's whenever a running back scores a touchdown inside the five-yard line and a fullback makes a block, they should get an assist like in hockey or in soccer.

Nick Saban paid Bill Belichick to wear an Alabama shirt to help recruit white wide receivers

I think that Saban paid him to wear the shirt because Saban knows they need to do a better job recruiting the Hunter Renfros of the world... What better way to recruit the, like, scrappy little white wide receivers than have Belichick be the new face of your program?

Sean McVay will turn Blake Bortles into the greatest quarterback of all time

Sean McVay is about to get his hands on that clay and mold [Blake Bortles] into the greatest quarterback of all time. Well, second. One and one. One and one A with him and Jared Goff.

Ben Roethlisberger intentionally fumbled to sabotage offensive coordinator Todd Haley

Did Big Ben fumble? On purpose? ... Absolutely yes.

The Lakers should trade LeBron James

Jeff Van Gundy put it out in the universe like last week that the Lakers should trade LeBron, and it's awesome. They should. They should. He's not like he's paying him to be a basketball player.

John Elway has figured out that his draft mistakes were caused by quarterbacks being too young

So I think Elway's figured it out. So he's learned from his mistakes. He's getting all these tall quarterbacks that aren't very good, but the problem is he's drafting them. So he's had such a terrible record in the draft that he's figured out that the problem is that they were too young.

It would be more shocking if an LSU basketball coach was not cheating

Again, I would be more shocked if the LSU basketball coach wasn't cheating. I saw blue chips.

The Jacksonville Jaguars made the biggest mistake in franchise history by signing Nick Foles

The Jacksonville Jaguars made the biggest mistake in franchise history. I have put a curse on them... basically we're just cursing Nick Foles because Nick Foles, you should not have done that... You can't fill the shoes of Blake Bortles in Jacksonville.

The Steelers with Bell and Brown were the greatest fake dynasty of all time

Can we say the Steelers had the greatest fake dynasty of all time with Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown? Yeah, and at various points they had the best wide receiver, best running back, and a top five quarterback all at the same time and won absolutely zilch.

Alex Caruso is a crisis actor from central casting

Caruso is not a real person. I'm convinced that Caruso is a crisis actor. They went to Central Casting in Hollywood, and they were like, we need somebody that looks like he's had all this talent drained by the Monstars.

College coaches should only be punished for cheating if they win the national championship

I think you should only get punished for cheating if you win the national championship.

LeBron James is tanking the Lakers' season to lure Kevin Durant to Los Angeles

The one thing I'm keeping an eye on here, I think LeBron might be tanking this season on purpose because KD is going to want to do the opposite thing that he did last time he was a free agent. He wants to go to perhaps the worst team in the league. Right now that looks like the Los Angeles Lakers because they just lost to the worst team in the league two nights ago. So I think that this is LeBron James setting up a long, long proposition here.

Kyrie Irving is a method actor who has become stuck as the character Uncle Drew

I think he's a method actor. I think when he got into character as Uncle Drew, as like a baby boomer, now he hates all millennials around him. He's a character actor right now and he's still stuck. Andy Kaufman got stuck playing [characters], his mind got messed up. Can you imagine that, playing a character for so long that it starts to affect your brain and everything that you do?

If the US prioritized rugby, we would be the best football country in the world

At this point, if the U.S. took our best rugby players from a young age and taught them football, we would be the best football country in the world. That's how good our rugby team is.

Robert Griffin III's best football is still ahead of him

I think a lot of people might chuckle at this, but I would say this. His best football is ahead of him. I really believe that.

I would still take Brad Stevens over LeBron James

Still take Brad Stevens. [over LeBron].

Patrick Kane is the greatest American-born hockey player ever

Kane, holy shit, he keeps getting better. It's the best I think it's the best he's ever been. It's just he's the best American-born player ever. That's my hot take of the day.

LeBron James is a piece of shit teammate and a bad look for the sport of basketball

Big Cat, I know you love hoops, but what he's doing right now... It's actually pathetic. It's just so embarrassing. He's the worst role model I've ever seen. ... He is just a shitbag. He's such a shitty teammate.

Robert Kraft's punishment for the solicitation sting should be jerking off every other NFL owner

As much as I would like to see the Patriots get their entire draft this year and next taken away from them for the actions of the owner, I feel like the punishment should fit the crime, and [Robert Kraft] should have to jerk off every other NFL owner.

Duke should fold their basketball program and let everyone go to the NBA

If Zion's going to sit out... what's the point right you're probably not going to win the title now so maybe have cam reddish sit out maybe have rj barrett sit out... and maybe just fold the whole duke program and let everyone else just go to the nba

Alex O'Connell is a top five player in the nation

[Coach K] is going to now have two months to get this team with the number two and number three recruit in the nation, Alex O'Connell, top five player in the nation, in my opinion.

Trevor Bauer is the smartest man in baseball, according to Trevor Bauer

The thesis that you can give after reading this is Trevor Bauer is the smartest man in baseball, according to Trevor Bauer. [Big Cat]: Jesus Christ. What a fucking wacko.

Michigan football doesn't matter anymore

Here's the difference between me and you. I know what I am. You still think Michigan matters. You still think we're in 1960. I know that Wisconsin winning nine games in the Pinstripe Bowl is cool with me. You think you're competing for national championships, and you're not.

John Elway is officially canceled as a GM

John Elway has been canceled. He is obsessed with height. Height is not everything. He has traded for Joe Flacco... John Elway will not hear of anything unless you are a tall, rocket arm quarterback. And guess what? He's been canceled... He cannot find a quarterback.

The Steelers should trade Antonio Brown back to the Steelers for a fresh start

Antonio Brown's a free agent. He wants to leave Pittsburgh... so just trade Antonio Brown to the Steelers. New start. New us.

John Dorsey leaked the Kareem Hunt video to drive down his price for the Browns

The Stay Woke is John Dorsey is the general manager of the Browns. He was the general manager of the Chiefs. He drafted Kareem Hunt. Kareem Hunt's incident happened in a Cleveland hotel. It didn't come out for a long time. John Dorsey's in Cleveland. It comes out. Then John Dorsey gets Kareem Hunt for a million bucks.

Papa John is the new face of Kentucky basketball

I think we should just go with a take that Papa John is now the new face of Kentucky basketball. When I think UK Wildcats, I think shitty pizza.

Having a pass batted at the line of scrimmage is better than throwing an interception

I submit that getting your passes batted at the line of scrimmage is better because some of those balls would have turned into interceptions. So Brock Osweiler throws a lot of balls that don't get tipped. And he trips over himself. That's why he throws so many interceptions.

Matthew Stafford will own major passing records and still be considered a bad quarterback

Matthew Stafford is going to be a real problem for the NFL Hall of Fame. when he plays 10 more years and has every record and is the shittiest quarterback of all time. Matthew Stafford was basically the most perfect, terrible quarterback to come along and play as much as he is. If he plays for like 10 more years, he will have every record.

I honestly thought I could be a Premier League goalie with one year of training

I swore I could be a Premier League goalie. And she's [my girlfriend, Kealia Ohai] a soccer player. So I was like, give me one year to train. I think I can do it. So she goes, okay, come to the field... She smoked a ball past my face so fucking fast. And I was like, no chance. You can give me five years to train. No chance.

Einstein marrying his cousin proves we shouldn't judge geniuses by conventional standards

I think that just ties into the theory that you shouldn't judge geniuses and we shouldn't hold them to our standards of convention. [Standards of not marrying your family]... I would probably say that.

Orlando Magic GM John Hammond is a worse GM than Hitler

Worst GM in any sports history, including Hitler. Straight facts. Spot the lie.

Roger Goodell is the stupidest person in the world for having Dave Portnoy arrested

I'm starting to think that Goodell and this whole crew, he's the stupidest guy in the world... How could he not realize... the fact of the matter is, it's one thing if they were to stop them and they saw him when he got in there, but apparently they were hunting them down during the game.

The NFL is running a 'long con' with referee John Perry to make the Patriots win

In Rams games, [John Perry is] 7-0. In Patriots Super Bowls, Patriots are 0-1. So is this also an NFL long con where they planted John Perry in 2007 to basically ref for a decade-plus and be really biased towards the Rams so that everyone would be like, oh, the Rams are going to win this because the NFL is corrupt. Oh, switcheroo, the Patriots won.

I would throw for 6,000 yards and 60 touchdowns in today's NFL

So I'm going to just say I would carve it up. Throw for 6,000, you know, 60 touchdowns and have fun, especially with my guys like Duper and Clayton... and there was no bubble screens. Pass interference was like a different monster back then too.

Jerry Jones should hire Tony Romo as the Cowboys head coach

I think that Tony Romo would be a great coach... because we would get the chance to see Tony Romo blow more fourth quarter games... And Jerry Jones will never fire him. No, make it happen, Jerry.

The NFC Championship officials from Southern California conspired to help the Rams win

Four of the refs, NFC Championship game, were from Southern California, where the LA Rams reside. ... They waited their whole life for the Rams to come back to LA. Then they were like, now's our time to strike. Then they struck.

Max Kellerman could beat Derek Carr in a fight

I might take Max Kellerman in a fight against Derek Carr. I would. He talks about boxing a lot. If you talk about fighting a lot, I assume that you can at least handle yourself a little bit just by osmosis.

Saints fans should sue the NFL for 'loss of enjoyment of life' after the NFC Championship no-call

The Saints ticket holder lawsuit against Roger Goodell in the NFL. Mental anguish and emotional trauma. Loss of faith in the NFL. That's fantastic. Loss of enjoyment of life. I actually like that... When your team loses like that in the playoffs, just cross off the next three months of your life.

Fix NFL overtime by making both teams play their backup quarterbacks

College overtime, 25-yard line, everything's the same as college overtime... Only wrinkle, each team has to play their backup quarterback. Now we're getting, now we're creating jobs and the backup quarterback becomes a very important position. The minute you go to overtime, your starter can no longer play quarterback.

Rob Gronkowski was sandbagging all season and is actually the best tight end in the NFL again

I'm going to eat a bird, a big black bird with feathers, and say that Rob Gronkowski was sandbagging the entire season. He's totally healthy. He's actually the best tight end in the NFL right now. I'm sure he'll show up for the Super Bowl.

Tony Romo is receiving the coordinators' play-call audio in his earpiece during broadcasts

I know someone who works for the CBS football production team, and CBS is pulling play-call audio and hot routes from the same radio channel that the coordinators send to play into the QB's helmet. They direct the audio into Romo's earpiece, and he appears to know all the calls beforehand.

The missed pass interference call against the Saints was retribution for Bounty Gate

Was that no call in the Saints game, retribution finally for Bounty Gate? [PFT]: I think we can say with confidence, absolutely.

Zion Williamson should drop out of Duke and secure his shoe deal to avoid injury

Zion. Zion can't shoot free throws. ... He will be the number one pick no matter what, probably. So why not just go do it? And he'll make more money on his shoe deal than he will playing basketball. So don't risk that whatsoever. Just leave and get your shoe deal.

Duke is 'finished' because the blueprint to beat them is out.

Duke... finished. I'll tell you why. The blueprint is out on how to beat Duke, and it's twofold. One, make a 55-foot three-pointer at the end of the half... The other thing is piss your pants. Because the blueprint is to have a coach with a little leaky tinkly going down the front string. Jim Boeheim literally pissed on Coach K's name.