Takes

Nick Saban needs to relax and stop trying to expand the SEC schedule

Nick Saban said that he wants to expand the SEC schedule so that you can play nine SEC teams, which is just... Nick, just relax, man. Just chill out. Just fucking chill out. You beat the fuck out of everyone already. Just relax.

Hue Jackson jumping in Lake Erie on June 1st is a total cop-out

He waited until June 1st? Kind of a cop-out. That's the biggest cop-out I've ever fucking heard. ... You can't wait until June 1st to jump in a lake.

Automatic tip screens are intimidating and the minimum amounts are getting too high

When you go to pay for something, the people, when you swipe your card, the tip screen automatically comes up. It's intimidating... it's too much. The lowest amount is too much. If you get a sandwich and they show you it, you've got to tip $3 for a sandwich. That's too much.

Getting an honorary doctorate makes JJ Watt think he's an actual medical doctor

JJ Watt thinks that getting an honorary doctorate makes him an MD. He's actually a doctor now... He literally thinks that he can go and operate on someone. When he's next on a plane and someone has a stroke or a heart attack, 'Is there a doctor on this plane?' JJ's like, 'Yes, that's me.'

Sam Hinkie is the 'smoking gun' who tipped off the Ringer about Bryan Colangelo's burner accounts

A Twitter egg tipped off the ringer, which people actually think this is now Sam Hinkie that tipped him off. I think it is... Sam Hinkie definitely has a smoking gun here, right?

A Sixers insider created the burner accounts to get Bryan Colangelo fired so LeBron James would sign

I think someone inside the Sixers organization created these accounts to get rid of Bryan Colangelo so that LeBron would come to the Sixers... I think someone in the Sixers organization did it so that they could fire him, and LeBron would be like, 'All right, that asshole's gone. I'm coming to the Sixers.'

The 76ers must fire Bryan Colangelo over the burner account scandal

They gotta fire [Bryan Colangelo], obviously... obviously, the guy is like live tweeting University of Chicago basketball games and getting upset about his collar size. Like, obviously, it's him.

Drake lacks the 'clutch gene' in rap feuds

I don't think that Drake has it in him. I don't think he's got the clutch gene [against Pusha T].

Drake will win his feud with Pusha T simply by releasing a song everyone likes more

I think Drake's just going to drop a song that everyone likes more than Pusha T's song, and everyone's going to be like, okay, Drake still wins.

LeBron James is breaking his social media blackout by using his wife's Instagram

LeBron James, who said he's not going on social media one time the entire playoffs... decided that after the Eastern Conference Finals that he was going to do an Instagram takeover on his wife's Instagram account, which to me seems like he was on social media and not focusing on the biggest series of his life.

The Cubs should throw at the Pirates for failing to throw at Anthony Rizzo

The Pirates neglected to enforce an unwritten rule, meaning the Cubs should actually throw at the Pirates today to make them respect the unwritten rule of throwing at Rizzo.

The Seahawks will miss the playoffs because Brandon Marshall is a team curse

Russell Wilson [is on the hot seat] because Brandon Marshall has signed with the Seahawks. And when Brandon Marshall goes, teams don't go to the playoffs. He's never made the playoffs, right? Never made the playoffs.

The Celtics' offseason priority will be keeping Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum over Gordon Hayward

I think their priority is to keep Jaylen Brown and Tatum because they're younger and because it's contract control as opposed to [Gordon] Hayward's number. But Stevens usually can figure this stuff out because the only real overlap you have is the rotation of those three.

The Warriors move the ball better and are superior without Kevin Durant

The Warriors are better without Kevin Durant... They move the ball better. Yeah, they move the ball better.

The Golden State Warriors will win the NBA Finals in six games

I'll say Warriors in six. Yeah, I'll say, like, something, you know, a couple of a game there. The Warriors are an incredibly, like, arrogant team, for good reason, but... They will screw around. They will screw around in a game and lose it.

If you don't like the Vegas Golden Knights' pregame show, you are a 'piece of shit'

If you're not into that pregame ceremony, I actually said you got a dump in your pants, and I'll reword it here, you're a piece of shit. Because it's awesome. I love it. I get a kick out of it. It's Vegas. You know it's a show.

Braden Holtby's poor rebound control and lack of mobility will cost the Capitals the Cup

My biggest worry for a Caps fan is [Braden Holtby]... these rebounds, those are not – that will not win you the cup, those rebounds... his mobility isn't nearly what it used to be. So if you're going to come out and take away those angles, the rebounds can't go anywhere but the corner.

The NBA is an embarrassing joke of a league because it lacks parity

Being completely serious, it's the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen for a sport. Four goddamn years in a row and you've got the same team... How about you get the Golden State Warriors owner... complaining about what team you're playing against. That shows how much of a joke of the league it is.

Chris Paul not playing Game 7 with a hamstring injury is weak compared to hockey players

So my hammy hurts so bad you can't go out and jump up two inches off the ground and take a jump shot because you're hammy? Are you kidding me? You can't get a shot? Like hockey players, you know how many shots? There's probably, I bet you 18 or 20 guys got a needle somewhere in their body last night just to go out and try to battle for the cup... It's a long way from the heart.

Golden Knights forward Thomas Nosek is the definition of a true 'hockey player' who shows up in the playoffs

Say [James Harden] makes 20 million... and you know who had two goals last night? Thomas Nosek. And what does he make? I don't know, a million? That's a guy who shows up to the playoffs. That's a hockey player.

Half-Baked Idea: A traffic app that gives you directions in the local city's accent

When you go to a city, a traffic app that gives you directions in that city's accent... you go to Chicago and you get a little bit of, 'you go left on the Dan Ryan Expressway.'

There should be a reality show called 'Racism Island' for people fired for racism like Roseanne Barr

Everyone who loses a job for being racist, like Roseanne Barr... should go on a reality show together. They should make a reality show called Racism Island... and then you take all the money that the show generates, and then you donate it to make a scholarship fund for minorities.

I use Grindr to find guys with good haircuts to ask where they get groomed

I signed up for a Grindr account on my phone and then I found the guys that I thought had the best looking haircuts and I messaged them to ask them all where they got their haircuts... It's foolproof.

This might actually be the Washington Capitals' year to win the Stanley Cup

Today is Friday, May 25th, and might actually be the Caps year. Like, it's still shocking that they're in the Stanley Cup Finals. And I'm not saying this in a mean way because I, too, root for and have rooted for loser franchises, but, like, the Caps were a loser franchise. So to get over that mountain, it takes a lot.

Tom Wilson is a star and a complete badass

Tom Wilson, that dude's a star. I fucking love Tom Wilson. He's a badass. We make fun of him a lot because he tries to cut people's head off with his skates. And he like intentionally hits people in the head... but he's no longer on fraud watch.

Both NBA Conference Finals series are going to Game 7

We're going to have two Game 7s. I'm just going to say that right now. We're going to have two Game 7s. The Rockets are not dead. I think we're going to get two game sevens. I really do.

The Warriors' lack of bench depth makes Andre Iguodala being out a series-ruining injury

Iguodala being out ruins everything the Warriors do because they don't have a bench. That's the problem with super teams. Can't get a bench.

LeBron James is tired because he has inhaled too many pre-game chalk fumes over the years

He is tired... it's the fact that he's inhaled so many chalk fumes over the last five years. He does his little pregame routine. His lung capacity just isn't what it used to be.

JR Smith is the most important player on the Cavaliers

J.R. Smith, whether he's shooting his threes or not, whether he's making threes or not, that's how the Cavs go. You can basically say that J.R. Smith is the most important player on the Cavs.

Chris Paul's shimmy in Steph Curry's face was disrespectful to the game of basketball

When I say it was disrespectful, it wasn't disrespectful to Steph Curry. It was disrespectful to the game of basketball that he did it because they're friends. I don't like playful jousting. You've got to hate the other men.

The Capitals are a Team of Destiny because they beat the Lightning

Every single team that has defeated the Lightning in any round besides the first round went on to win the Stanley Cup. Team of Destiny. Doesn't get any more Team of Destiny than that. Now they're 2-0 in Stanley Cup this year. It's a dynasty.

Brad Stevens struggles because he's too good to understand Ty Lue's bad coaching

I also think that Brad Stevens sometimes struggles coaching against such a bad coach. Ty Lue is such a bad coach, and Brad Stevens is such a good coach, that he can't put himself in the mind of a serial killer. He needs to just smoke a bunch of bath salts before drawing up a gameplay against Lou because you can't guess the weird moves that he's going to make.

The NFL's new anthem rule is a trial balloon and a needles complication

It was ridiculous that they did this in the first place. Essentially bringing up a story that they wanted to have die in the middle of the summer for no reason... They not only did that, but they didn't even do it officially. It's such a perfect NFL story because they made it needlessly complicated.

The Celtics will win their series in six or seven games

I think they're going to win six. And I think if they don't, they'll still win game seven.

LeBron James will eventually return to Cleveland in five years as a player-owner

I don't think [this is his last game in Cleveland] because he's going to sign another contract somewhere else and then he's going to do another big announcement and come back to Cleveland in like five years. He's going to come back and he's going to be the first player owner for his last season.

Grit is defined by being relentless and having maniacal work habits

For me it's it's very simple and we talk to our players about all time it's about being relentless. We talk about intensity. We talk about maniacal work habits and going about it, determination, teamwork, all those things, toughness, hardness about ourselves. Those are the things that we describe grit to.

You can hear grit on a football field without seeing it

I think a lot of it for me is really what I hear, meaning when the practice starts and the pads are on, I can hear grit without actually having to see it. And sometimes during the nine-on-seven drills... I'll just kind of close my eyes and listen, you know and say okay was that a good play for grit? Was that a good toughness play?

True team chemistry is built through shared suffering and relentless work, not group activities like bowling

Chemistry comes in my mind is when you know you're working so hard and I don't think I can take another rep... They're so focused on being pissed off at me, they can't be pissed off at each other. That builds a type of chemistry.

I have eaten more bologna than anyone else in the world

I really believe that, at least at my age. I can say that for sure. No one can beat me in the bologna [eating competition].

Bologna is the ultimate comfort food and survival food

Whenever I want to feel good, I eat bologna. If someone said, what's the one food you're bringing in that bunker? Simple: Bologna. Because it can turn into so many other meals... I fry it... Once I fry it, I kill all that bacteria and I still got a great meal.

A football team can never lose if they run the ball every single time

I've never seen a team lose a game of football if they ran the ball every single time. I haven't seen that either... If we can be successful running the football... the fans know we're running it, the opposing team knows we're running it, we're running this ball and we're going to get positive yards.

Ron Rivera and Mike Vrabel are the toughest coaches in the NFL

Mike Vrabel is probably the toughest. Ron Rivera is a tough son. Ron Rivera is a good one. To be a coach in this profession, you have to have a toughness about you in some way or another.

The biggest mistake a successful team can make is assuming they will be back in the same position next year

The biggest fault you can have is to think, 'Hey, listen, this is going to be every year. We're going to be back here.' That's the number one mistake you can make.

Baker Mayfield already 'Gets It' because he refused to draw a stripe on his Browns helmet logo

Baker draws the Browns helmet... they're like, 'Hey, why don't you have the stripe on there?' And he goes, 'Well, it's because I haven't earned my stripe yet.'... He gets it. Baker gets it.

The Warriors will still win the series against the Rockets

I still think the Warriors are going to win the series, but it's not because of a lack of analytics.

Kevin Durant is the one guy I want taking a shot when the team needs two points

I think Kevin Durant is the one guy I would want to take a shot when your team needs two points. Just two points to put into overtime.

The Golden State Warriors are now Klay Thompson's team

It's Klay's team now. It has to be his team.

No matter what Kevin Durant does for the Warriors, it will always be Steph Curry's team

No matter what [Kevin Durant] does for the Warriors, it will always be Steph [Curry]'s team in the fans' eyes. And he's never going to be loved, Kevin. Just know that.

If Brad Stevens loses the series to the Cavs, it is one of the all-time choke jobs

I mean, if [Brad Stevens] loses the series, you've got to chalk that up as one of the all-time choke jobs, right, Hank?

The Celtics will win Game 5 and eventually the series in 6 games

I think the Celtics are going to win Game 5 in a close one, and that's going to break LeBron and the Cavs. They're going to go back to Cleveland, win [Game 6]...