Takes

LeBron James might just quit on the Cavs

LeBron definitely is not close, but he's definitely got in his mind, like, I might just quit on these bums. Like, these guys stink. And, like, what do you even tell LeBron when you go, J.R. Smith went 0 for 7.

Ty Lue knows about as much about coaching basketball teams as I do

Lou knows about as much about coaching basketball teams as I do, I think. So he's just going to be like, NBA teams are going small. We're going to go small. But he doesn't have any small players, but he's just going to put his smallest players out there and be like, okay. We'll see if this works.

Warriors will sweep the Rockets

I'm going to be an overreaction guy, and I'm going to say I think it's going to be a sweep. I think that that third quarter stomped them so hard, and their manalytics are so subpar.

James Harden needs to get in shape

James Harden, he played his heart out in the first half... when is that guy going to get in shape? Because he was running – he was doing what I do... When I get really gassed and I just pass the ball and then stand as far away from the hoop as possible.

Chris Paul is a sneaky, very dirty player

I think people forget often that Chris Paul is sneaky, very dirty. Like, they're like, oh, shit, Chris Paul, what are you doing there? Oh, no, that's actually... Chris Paul's like, yeah, he'll elbow you right in the butthole.

The Warriors will sweep the Celtics in the NBA Finals

I think it's going to be a sweep out west, and I think it's going to go six, and I think the Celtics are going to play against the Warriors in the finals, and they're going to get swept.

The Celtics will win the NBA Finals in 7 games

It's going to go six or seven in the finals. Celtics might win in seven. He's got to steal one. He's got to steal one at the Warriors.

Roger Goodell will eventually implement an NFL Draft Lottery

You know that Roger Goodell is sitting at home and he's trying to figure out a way to get a lottery involved in the NFL so that he can sell a two-night pay-per-view of the NFL draft lottery.

I am NOT worried about the Capitals

We're not worried about the Caps, repeat we're not worried about the Caps... I'm actually not worried. I'm not worried. Nope. We got another one at home. Marlon's Man's going to game four.

You should only pay cash at Chili's to keep your meal untraceable

Chili's is a cash establishment. You don't bring plastic into this equation. Cold, hard cash is the name of the game. You want to have your meal at Chili's be untraceable. That's on you if you paid with a card.

Adam Silver is a narc for reporting email threats to the police

Adam Silver, he turns out he's a narc... Everyone thought that Adam Silver was the cool commissioner. But if he's so cool, how come he called the police on the guy that threatened to murder him? And had him arrested.

Wisconsin cities are the Mount Rushmore of drunks

USA Today ranked the top 10 drunkest cities in America... seven [were from Wisconsin]. Green Bay is number one, Eau Claire, Appleton, Madison. They have all four of the top four. They are the Mount Rushmore of drunks.

Legalized gambling will eventually end the relationship with personal bookies

My first hot seat is your bookie... gambling is legal. I don't think anyone's going to lose their bookie overnight. I think it's going to be probably like a decade, but at some point the bookie relationship will be something of the past. And that's very sad.

Kyrie Irving won't be happy that the Celtics are 'Brad Stevens' Team'

Kyrie's not going to be happy that this is Brad Stevens' team. Kyrie left Cleveland because it wasn't his team. And now he's gone somewhere else, still not his team. You think LeBron sends Kyrie a U-up text tonight?

An expansion team like the Golden Knights winning the Cup in their first year is a bad look for the NHL

The one thing you make sense is it's not a great look for the NHL in a sense that— Right... every GM around the league is like, all right, this team's lighting it up. Like, my owner's going to be like, why the fuck isn't your team good?

Mark Scheifele is an NHL superstar now

I want to get respect out to Mark Scheifele. I don't if you've been watching the Western Conference. He's a, I'd say superstar now, Scheifele. He's incredible.

Modern hockey is much better than the 'old school' era

No, because the game is so much better now. And when you say old and grumpy, there's a generation above us that the best players didn't make much money... But for me, like, I love seeing guys get paid... I love seeing guys get [money].

Vladimir Putin hands out unlimited credit cards to high-end Russian hockey players

I've just heard some rumblings, and it's been confirmed by a few guys that, like, Putin basically hands out credit cards to all these high-end Russian hockey players like Malkin and Ovechkin. Where basically they could just go, like if you say they want to pop bottles one night, they just go, they just put it on the Russian credit card.

The NBA is a show where players stay down after contact so people can take pictures of them

LeBron, he caught a pinky to the side of the head today. So he stayed down for 45 minutes, make sure everyone could take a picture of him. And then he went in the locker room five minutes later. It's a show. Probably liked a couple pictures on Instagram and then was like, all right, everyone knows I'm out.

Robinson Cano took steroids specifically to heal his broken wrist faster

He broke his wrist like a week ago, and now he has... That was pretty quick of him to do steroids for the recovery. Got to admire the hustle. That's Andy Pettitte-like hustle to the pharmacy.

Diet is more important than working out for weight loss

It's no secret when people say it's actually not about working out, it's about the diet, because what happens is... because I went to the gym, I was like, I can eat anything I want. And then I ate way worse than I normally would have.

The Celtics are a problem for the Cavaliers

I think it's a problem. I mean, everybody's saying, okay, LeBron's going to just snap back into LeBron. But Brad Stevens, the mad scientist, looks like he's just completely outmatching the Cavs. The Cavs suck, besides LeBron.

The Celtics are better off without Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward

They're a better team without Kyrie and Gordon Hayward. Yeah, everyone keeps saying, well, they'll have their two best players back next year. Well, do you really want that? No, you don't. You get rid of them. You dump those salaries. Yeah, you reload on draft picks. Yeah, you sign Terry Rozier to a 10-year contract.

James Harden will suck in the Western Conference Finals

I'm excited for James Harden to submit a James Harden full-on series. He is going to suck in this series. That's my prediction. He's going to have at least two or three games. You'll be like, is James Harden? Is he drunk?

The 2018 Washington Capitals are playing better than any version of the team in history

I'm telling you, this Capitals team is playing better than any Washington Capitals team than I've ever seen with the exception of like every Washington Capitals team between the month of October and February.

Millennials are saving the frozen food industry

Frozen food is also back. So a lot of people bash us millennials and say we're only good for avocados and things of that nature. But it turns out that millennials are saving the frozen food industry.

Every crime drama can be successful with just interviews and aerial drone shots

We need to do a crime drama because essentially all you have to do is interview a couple like FBI or ATF guys and then mix in a shitload of drone shots of where, around where it happened. Like, Making a Murderer, it was just half drone shots. Evil genius, half drone shots.

Ty Lue is the worst coach to ever win an NBA championship

The biggest mismatch of the series is Brad Stevens versus Ty Lue. Like, Tyronn Lue is a terrible coach. He's the worst coach to ever win a championship, and the fact that he's got to match Brad Stevens, like, that sucks for the Cavs.

Everything will fall apart for the Celtics later in the series

And then the Celtics will go back to, like, Terry Rozier won't be able to hit a shot anymore, and Jason Tatum will look like a rookie, and Al Horford will be with a Kardashian or something. Everything's going to fall apart.

Clint Capela is the X-factor for the Rockets against the Warriors

The key to the series to you, I'm going to throw out a name... Clint Capela because he's like that extra dimension that could actually guard, you know, stop these guys attacking the rim and stop, you know, basically everything. And also he does really well with the pick and roll with Chris Paul and James Harden and then going to the hoop for lobs.

Kawhi Leonard and LeBron James will sign with Philadelphia, while Paul George goes to the Lakers

Kawhi Leonard will be playing for fill-in-the-blank. LeBron James will be playing for fill-in-the-blank. Paul George will be playing for fill-in-the-blank in 2018-19... Philadelphia, Philadelphia, Lakers.

I would trade Ben Simmons for Kawhi Leonard because Kawhi is the best two-way player in the world

I'd trade Ben Simmons for Kawhi... If you're giving me Joel Embiid for the next 10 years, LeBron for like three or four, Kawhi Leonard for like seven or eight, you can win three or four titles during that time... I think [Kawhi] is the best two-way player in the world.

Big Cat should buy Bitcoin, but PFT Commenter should stay away

Should you buy Bitcoin? I would say for Big Cat, I'd say for sure do it. For PFT, I would say not a good idea for you right now.

Jordan Spieth should take off his hat so people only focus on him being bald rather than his bad golf

Spin Zone or PR 101, [Spieth] can just take off his hat and people be like, oh shit, you're bald. That's the bald guy. So no one will remember that you did the snowman thing.

The Raptors should hire LeBron's manager Maverick Carter as their next head coach

The only way that Dwane Casey could have kept his job is if he was somehow just really good friends with LeBron. They should name Maverick Carter their head coach.

I have a photographic memory like LeBron James

LeBron memory test... I had a donut on Saturday, but I played two hours of basketball, so that doesn't count. I had a donut. I had two donuts... I had Thai food for dinner... Fucking photographic memory of my ass.

The Celtics have a 60% chance of beating LeBron James and running him out of Cleveland for the second time.

I said it when the Celtics signed Kyrie that if they can run LeBron out of Cleveland in the beginning of his career and then run it out at the end, it would be the sweetest thing in the world... I put the percentage at 60%.

The Cavaliers will win the Eastern Conference Finals in six games.

I think it's going to be 4-1. Cavs in six. Gentlemen sweep in six. I think the Celtics will win one of the first two. I think they'll win game five, and then they will lose in Cleveland in game six. That is my prediction.

A Winnipeg vs. Tampa Bay Stanley Cup Final would be the NHL's worst nightmare for ratings.

That sound you hear is Gary Bettman shitting his pants in anticipation of a Winnipeg-Tampa Stanley Cup Finals.

The Vegas Golden Knights being successful as an expansion team makes the NHL look like a 'rinky-dink' league.

I think if you're a true blue hockey guy... you kind of got to root against Vegas because this makes them a little bit of a rinky-dink league if an expansion team can come in and just steal the show.

Winning the Stanley Cup in their first year would be bad for the Las Vegas Golden Knights franchise.

There was a takequake on ESPN the other day... they said that Las Vegas winning the championship in their first year would actually be bad for Las Vegas... I agree 100% with that. You can't set the expectations that high.

LeBron James is arguably up there with Michael Jordan as one of the best players in history.

It's a no-brainer that LeBron has ended up becoming one of the best players in the history of the game. And arguing, you know, up there with Mike.

The 2010-2011 Bulls would have landed LeBron James if he hadn't chosen South Beach.

I signed with the Bulls, and we had enough cap space... for LeBron to make his decision, hopefully, to come to the Bulls... there was a good buzz around Chicago that he might come join us, too.

Tom Thibodeau's high-intensity practices and heavy minutes took a physical toll on the Bulls' stars.

I think, unfortunately, it ended up taking a toll on us... You've got a guy like D. Rose playing 42 minutes a night. He's also practicing three hours a day... I think there has to be this balance between preparation and game.

The Chicago Bulls would have won the 2012 NBA Championship if Derrick Rose hadn't gotten injured.

If D. Rose doesn't get hurt, I think we break through that year... We had a roster where we could play. I think we were like the number one or two defensive team in the league. We were top five in offense. I mean, we were a very complete team that year. And then, boom, Derrick Rose gets hurt. And it just... It took the air out of the balloon for us, you know what I mean? Because we all thought that was our year to win the whole thing.

Marlins Man is likely joining Donald Trump's legal defense team because top firms are rejecting him.

My theory is that I think that Lawrence Levy, Marlins Man, is joining the Donald Trump dream team because Trump can't get any more lawyers to represent him. He's been rejected by like five or six of the top law firms. Marlins Man's probably number seven or number eight. And if I was in a tough spot and I needed somebody on my side to just like harass my opponent until they got so annoyed... I'm going to Marlins Man probably first.

Darren Rovell is a 'Debbie Downer' for analyzing athlete business ventures like Marvin Jones Jr.'s cupcake shop.

Darren Rovell from the rafters telling him that the most important part about opening a franchise is to understand that franchisor fees come off gross sales, not net sales... and basically shits all over Marvin Jones Jr.'s dream and tells him that he made a terrible investment... He is Debbie Downer in real life. What a fucking asshole.

Steve Rosenblum's column blaming Roquan Smith for getting his car robbed is a nonsensical 'Take Quake'.

Steve Rosenblum, who is provocateur, the Chicago Tribune... likes to just figure out the most nonsensical take out there... the premise of his article was Roquan Smith, who had his iPad stolen... it was his fault that he got robbed... at this point you could ask how a student athlete... is able to afford a 2018 Beamer... Steve Rosenblum... did no fact checking whatsoever and wrote this hot topic.

I was 100% confident the Capitals would beat the Penguins once game six went to overtime

I knew it was going to happen. We all knew it was going to happen. I was so confident in that team when it went to overtime. If we had lost that game, the whole series was over. There's no chance that we're going to come back. That's a mental midget thing.

I might eat poop just to 'alpha' PFT because his hesitation is getting sad

I've even said to you, I might just eat poop just to alpha you because it's getting so sad what you're doing. You are like, I can't do it. I can't do it. You came off the plane. You're like, what if I eat a mushroom with a little poop on it?