Takes

LeBron James' seven straight Finals appearances should have an asterisk because they were in the Eastern Conference

Asterisk, asterisk. They're all against the East. True. So let's not crown them just yet.

LeBron James threw Game 3 against the Celtics to help the Celtics' ticket sales

LeBron James threw Game 3 just so that all of Boston had to buy tickets for Game 5 so that he could buttfuck them in public.

The 2017 Finals will be the best coached series ever because of Ty Lue and Mike Brown

I think one thing we can all agree on is between Lou and Mike Brown, this is probably going to be the best coached NBA Finals of all time.

The Nashville Predators winning the Cup will be forgotten like the Hurricanes or Ducks wins

I'm rooting for the Predators simply because when teams like the Predators win championships with like their piss yellow uniforms and weird cities for hockey, people just tend to forget that that season never happened. So it's like when the Ducks won, it's like, I mean, did they win? I don't even know. I can't remember.

Grit is an inherent trait you are born with

Grit, I mean, I feel like it's something that you just have to have in you. I wouldn't say it's something that you learn. I think you can adapt to it over time. But I think it's something that you're going to go regardless of the circumstance.

The intensity of the Bengals-Steelers rivalry is mostly a media narrative

I wouldn't say guys act differently [for Steelers week]. I think the media does a good job of trying to portray it as, okay, this is going to be the most physical game. These guys hate each other, all this kind of stuff... I think it's outside of the building more than it is inside the building.

TCU was lucky to beat Wisconsin in the 2011 Rose Bowl

Lucky win in the Rose Bowl for TCU... you did get lucky to beat Wisconsin... we got lucky on that one play [the two-point conversion].

Rex Burkhead fits perfectly in the New England Patriots system

I kind of felt like... once [Rex Burkhead] got to free agency, I think Rex fits perfect for what [the Patriots] do.

The Bengals will go 16-0 in 2017

We're going to win every game. [16-0 guaranteed].

Tiger Woods' golf career is officially over

Tiger, I listen all you Tiger fanboys out there just I want you to do something for me right now. Sit down, listen up, you ready? It's over. It's over.

Brock Osweiler helped his teams by keeping the defense on the field

The Texans had a really good defense. And so Osweiler did a great job of keeping their best unit on the field. [Same with the Broncos]. Brock Osweiler knows how to have his team play to its strengths by always keeping the defense on the field.

Russell Wilson has been practicing post-game press conferences since he was seven years old

Russell Wilson has been practicing post-game press conferences since he was seven years old. He's been standing up, I guess, like in a mirror, talking to people and saying how like, yeah, I threw that interception because God wanted to test me.

Russell Wilson should become a pharmacist to write Adderall prescriptions for the Seahawks defense

What if Russell goes back to school in the off-season? Here's what you do, Russ. Go to school, become a pharmacist. And then just write unlimited [Adderall] prescriptions.

Being a Resident Assistant in college is a terrible job

Don't be an RA. Don't fucking do it. Listen, if you need the free housing... Go work the streets, but don't be an RA. An RA is worse than a mall cop.

I do not like Skyline Chili

I do not like Skyline. Thankfully, we staved off PFT... so if you can just find me crackers and hold everything else that Skyline offers, I'd be a big Skyline fan.

Skyline Chili's cheese is actually good

I'll say this about Skyline Chili... I like the cheese. The cheese is good.

The NBA is paying the refs

The NBA is paying the refs. The NBA actually always pays the refs. That's how they get paid. They're paying the refs.

Kyrie Irving wouldn't have gotten off the bench for John Wooden in the 1960s

If [Kyrie Irving] played back in the 60s, he wouldn't have got off the bench on John Wooden's team. Dribbles between the legs too much. A little bit of a ball hog. A little bit of a flashy showboat. But I guess if you score points in today's day and age, that's all you need.

Dante Jones is the real coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers

Okay, the coach, [is] Dante Jones, my former teammate. He has his three-point celebrations down so perfectly. There's like a different one for each guy. He's the first one off the bench to high five. He's the coach.

The Cavaliers haven't lost an NBA title since I left my wallet at Quicken Loans Arena.

I left my wallet in the Q, and they have not lost an NBA title since then. So right now, it looks pretty good for the Cavs.

Rooftops are overrated for drinking

I think that rooftops are actually overrated. I'm a beer garden guy. I'm a beer garden guy and I'm a river guy.

Ohio State's program lacks class compared to Michigan

My hot seat is Ohio State. I'm sorry. The Ohio State University. We went to Michigan today. We met with Jim Harbaugh. It was great... All class exuding from the campus on Ann Arbor, unlike those guys down in Columbus. I'm just saying. They could – You still can rectify it. We're going to Columbus today. I don't want to be too mean to the guys in Columbus, but I'm just saying you guys are behind right now.

Leonard Fournette’s parents are geniuses for naming both sons Leonard

If you're a parent out there, a new parent, and you're thinking about having a couple kids and you think one is going to probably be better than the other, name the shittier kid just Leonard so that all of his mistakes – Or anytime your good kid, the one that's your breadwinner, fucks up, you can just blame the shittier kid.

Toughness can be built like a callus and the human body craves contact

Think of it [toughness] like building a callus, you know, just like the human body. What a tremendous organism. I mean, it actually craves contact. I mean, it likes contact, craves it, as opposed to a car... So, yeah, much like conditioning can be improved, I mean, so can that callus of toughness and grit also be acquired or improved.

I need football every day in the same way some people need ice cream or a drug.

Some people like and need ice cream. You know, they want to eat it every day. I look at football like that. I need it. I need football. [It's like a drug, yeah.]

It ain't hard being a football player if you're actually a football player.

It ain't hard being a football player if you're a football player. That's it. ... If you're a football player, you crave the contact. You like going to bed at night, having the head hit the pillow, and the muscles are sore. They ache. You've sweated. You're exhausted. As soon as your head hits the pillow and you close your eyes, you're asleep.

I still play football in my dreams

I play in dreams... I don't ever have any coaching dreams, but I have football dreams still, and I play. I play... Sometimes I'll be D1, but more and more, for some reason, I'm in the D3 now. I've got another year of eligibility.

My life plan is to play football as long as I can, then coach, then die.

I knew from the very youngest age that I was going to play football as long as I could, then coach, then die. And I really haven't thought about deviation from that plan.

Drinking massive amounts of milk built strong bones and made me taller than the rest of my family.

I literally was able to drink as much milk as I could hold. ... The proof being that nobody in my family is over six foot. My brother, John, and my dad... are right at six foot. I got to six three. ... Milk builds strong bones. ... It does do a body good.

Vegans don't know what they're talking about and organic food is a sham

Here's what I learned. That this – Vegans don't know what they're talking about. And two, the people that are – Organic is – that's a sham too... Organic is not more healthy. It is not sustainable. We're going to 9 billion people on the planet. The resources that it takes to make something organic uses twice the month, twice as the resources that it does otherwise. I mean, that's not sustainable.

I am a staunch defender of adults wearing baseball gloves to games to catch foul balls.

I've always been a fan of and a defender of the baseball glove at the baseball game. Why wouldn't you wear a baseball glove? ... People think that grown men wearing [them is ridiculous], but I'm on your side.

The 'low man wins' principle of football pad level applies to catching foul balls in a crowd.

Most of the balls that you get are not clean caught. I mean, all you got to do is go low. When you see the crowd of hands go up, just go low. Dive in low between the seats, that ball is going to come down. Like in football, pad level, low man wins.

Mike Zimmer should replace his eye with a glass eye featuring the Vikings logo

At some point, wouldn't a football guy just say, take the fucking eye out, put in a glass eye, and have it be the logo of whatever team I'm coaching?

Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg are not speaking off-air

Fair Play, Mike and Mike, if you haven't heard, Mike and Mike are not speaking... They are in an icy, icy relationship. They are not speaking at all off air.

Bragging about your dick on national television is a solid strategy to win The Bachelorette.

I don't hate that strategy [bragging about his dick]. Why send a boy to do a man's job when you can just brag about your dick yourself on national television and no way will you regret this decision?

I predict love will be found on this season of the Bachelorette

I'm sure this is going to be a great season. They're going to find love. I'm going to predict it right now. I'm calling my shot. Love.

Roger Goodell is keeping a hit list of players who celebrate to have them killed

I think Goodell is secretly letting the players do this [celebrate], but you know he's keeping a hit list. So if he sees a player go to ground or use the ball as a prop, heaven forbid, he's writing your name down on a sheet of paper and he's going to pay to have you killed.

Adam Silver texted LeBron James and told him to play bad for ratings and revenue

Did LeBron James get a text from Adam Silver being like, 'Hey, LeBron, all anyone can talk about is how the NBA Finals are nine days away after you sweep the Celtics. We're going to really need some more cash here, so could you just suck for an entire game and look totally disinterested?'

The Celtics are in year five of a rebuild and are closing in on LeBron James' tail

We're in year five of a rebuild. We have the number one draft pick. We're in the Eastern Conference Finals. We're clearly coming up on LeBron [James]'s tail. As long as we can dominate LeBron in the beginning of his career and then dominate him on the way out, I can be content with that.

If we die in the van, LeBron James should be our pallbearer so he can let us down one final time

If we die in Vanny Woodhead, let's have LeBron James as one of our pallbearers so he can let us down one final time.

Tyronn Lue wears a three-piece suit to look official when he isn't actually doing anything

Ty Lue [was] wearing a three-piece suit. What the fuck are you trying to prove, dude? He looked like a classic guy like, I don't really do anything for my job, so I'll just dress up really fancy and pretend to type in an Excel spreadsheet all day.

This is the year of the Nashville Predators in the Stanley Cup

The Predators, I feel like this is the Predators' year. People have been saying it for a long time. This is the Predators' year. Take out your fang claws. Nashville's number one hockey city in Tennessee.

Kevin Love should be the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns

Kevin Love should be the Browns quarterback. He does have unbelievable passing. He'll throw one or two a game where it's like, how the hell did he do that?

If your wife goes away on business, you should move farther away from her to make her miss you more

Here's a pro tip for all you guys out there that are married. If your wife goes away on business, move farther away from your wife. Make her want to come to you.

A truly gritty person doesn't want to explain what grit is

I think in all fairness, if you are gritty, you don't want to be the person explaining what it is. You just go out and you do your job every day. And then everyone else can decide if you're gritty or not.

A quarterback's fertility and family size are indicators of strong leadership

Between [Philip] Rivers [having eight kids] and [Joe Flacco] having four... Is there something about fertility that you think makes a good leader? I think it just shows that they're strong... leading a big family. Family men, and they're strong leaders.

Cincinnati would have won a national title in 2000 if Kenyon Martin didn't get hurt

I think anybody who doesn't [think we would have won] don't know anything about basketball. [I think about it] not more than four or five times a day.

Deflections are the most important stat when playing a press defense

Since we started pressing, it's deflections. Deflections is a sign of activity and energy. It's disruptive.

If an Olympic medal deteriorates, the athlete shouldn't be considered the winner anymore

I think the medals that were won in this Olympics, if they deteriorate, they shouldn't count. If the medal's gone, you didn't win it.

LaVar Ball should not be held accountable for facts in his takes

I'm not on board for fact checking LaVar Ball's takes on anything. As far as I'm concerned, LaVar Ball does not when he says things, he doesn't give a shit if they're true or not. He's a prey and spray kind of taker. He's just gonna shoot, shoot, shoot. LaVar Ball, he can't be held accountable for his takes.